I've hit rock bottom

[Knittedfrog]

I've hit rock bottom. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no the only way is up. There is no glimmer of hope. There is no this is just a moment.

This is it. I've hit as low as I can hit. I can't see any future. Money is at zero with no qualification for and help. No bills or mortgage can be paid. There is nothing. Nothing good to cling onto.

I've stopped eating. I'm too cowardly to kill myself but at the same time I just want to die. I know if I'm not here my sister will take my young adult child into her home and under her wing.

I just wanted to say it out loud as I have no real life support. Life used to be so good and I never took it for granted. Not sure what I did to deserve this.

Ok think you touched a few heartstrings here today knitted. I'm glad it's helped, and remember we're all rooting for you! I'd be happy for you to pm me as well, if you think it would help.

Amazing strangers doing amazing things for other strangers. I think I will keep up with this thread for support/advice. Couldn't have got through today without it. This morning I was actually contemplating getting a train to London and a bus to Victoria and sleeping rough to disappear from my life. You amazing people brought me back from that desperation.
I know it's not going to be easy and it may well get worse but you've made me see it won't last and things will get better.

Have you eaten? Hope so! Xx

Have to admit I haven't eaten. It's been one hell of a day! Trying to eat something should be my next step though I guess. I think I've lost about 2 stone since new year. I'll try and have something tomorrow.

Could you manage a slice of toast?

I couldn't face food yesterday. I think I've got so used to not eating now, I don't hungry.
Had about 3 hours sleep. I think I was naive in thinking because some decisions were made yesterday that I would feel better/different today.
I don't. I know I need to be here and get through this but I feel scared and desperate. I'm scared everything is going to go wrong and not get better.
Dc took it all so well, I can't let her down now. I'm working today so will have something else to occupy my mind for a while. It's a struggle getting through work when I have to spend the day being strong and pretending life is great. I really don't want to confide in anyone I work with. I try to keep my life private from them. Sorry for the ramble. Hope you all have a good weekend.

Good morning KnittedFrog. I just wanted to chip in here. I don't have problems with MH, but my teenage daughter does and I know how much of a rollercoaster it can be. Of course it's not going to be easy, but please look after yourself and take it one small step at a time. There are so many people sending you hope and strength to get through every day...

Sending my love KnittedFrog - hope you get through work ok today. Just remember, you have made the first step in identifying the issues and starting to work on solutions. You are actually showing great strength - you will get there, one day at a time.

Not sure how I'm getting through work. I'm a quivering wreck. I've had 7 missed calls from the same number and I'm too scared to answer it. I haven't been able to answer because I'm not allowed my phone while I'm working. Just saw them on my break.
I don't feel strong. I'm scared of everything.

I googled the number and it appears to be a cold caller.

That's happened to me a couple of times. Just block the caller. Probably double glazing or PPI. If it's someone important you'll know the number or they'd leave you a message...
Try and eat something - anything, and think about your DD and something nice you can do together over the next couple of days...
We're right with you, oozing support and strength

Almost made it through my shift. Just two and a half hours to go. It's nice being isolated at work but also hard pretending everything is normal. Thank you for your supportive messages today. Just getting through each hour is my goal at the moment. I still want to disappear and for this to all go away.

its scary but it can be done i have had to start again many times in my life and never thought id survive but somehow someway you do. you have your lovely dc who only wants to be loved by you nothing more i wish you all the love and luck in the world a few weeks ago my depression got the better of me but now i am coming out the dark tunnel and i know you will be soon too xxxx

Thank you. I had a chat with dd just now and she's very accepting and matter of fact about the whole situation. She's just worried about me and I'm just worried her!
I have real moments of clarity and determination. Then I dip again. Hopefully the strong moments will become more common.

Hold on to those moments.
Please think of something you could face eating. Even a biscuit or rice cake. Dried fruit? You won’t be able to have determination if you don’t have something. Even a milkshake. Ice cream?
Thinking of you.

At work again today and finding it hard. I had something to eat last night. Didn't really want it but forced myself. I just wish I knew it will all be ok in the end. I wish I knew that the house will sell and we can get something rented. I hate the unknown and not knowing what else I'm going to have to face. The positive mood seems to have gone. I hate life right now.

Hi Knittedfrog, it's the not knowing and uncertainty that is the worst - been there myself, so I totally sympathise with how you're feeling. I've been watching the housing market as we are looking to move and things are selling at the right price (seen a few reductions that have sold in the last few weeks). Maybe contact your mortgage company and explain the situation, they would much rather work with you and give you some leeway - it's worth a try. I know how you feel - I remember thinking that everything that I had worked for after 20 years was at risk - but our house did sell after about six months and I did get the decree absolute and a decent financial settlement. You are a strong woman, Knitted - you can do this. Holding your hand today xx

Keep going knitted, you're doing brilliantly and your dd sounds lovely too. You will have lots of lows, probably more lows than highs at first, but it will get better!

Where is your dh in all this? It seems unfair that you are shouldering all this alone.

I really admire you for keeping going to work. At my worst I just couldn't go, I physically couldn't get out of the door, and I don't work now because of my mental health problems and I hate not having a job.

for you and your dd.

Knitted, if you feel up to it then maybe you could ask on Money Matters thread for some non judgemental help and support on debts. You’ve seen here that you don’t have to do it alone, try and reduce the stress of bottling it all up. Good Luck !

I have to work even though I hate being here pretending everything is good. If I don't work we have less than nothing. I don't think I can do this though. We can't pay hardly anything. I don't want to be here. I wish I could sleep and just not wake up.

Please please go to the doctor. I'm not saying that it's a magic bullet, but just letting someone know how bad you're feeling may help.

You are doing so much better than you realise. I understand that feeling of just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up - I used to wake up in the morning really pissed off that I hadn't died in the night.

Don't underestimate how much you've got on your plate and try and be kind to yourself. Other pp's have given some really good advice about money and debt but try not to overwhelm yourself. Doctors first.

Keep posting, I'm always here and so are a lot of other great mumnetters

I’m so glad you’ve eaten something. That’s brilliant. Please consider seeing your Gp. I’ve finally found an anti depressant that works for me. It has really helped. I know that just want it all to stop feeling. I really do. You can do this. Just not on your own. You need help and support my lovely. MN disapproves of Hugs so I’m sending a gentle cwtch instead. Like a hug but much much better. Oh and have some because. Well just because.

How are you doing Knitted ? We’re all here for you . If its a struggle on your own then lean on this virtual group, one step at a time, one meal at a time, one meal at a time. Don’t let it engulf you xx