I've hit rock bottom

[Knittedfrog]

I've hit rock bottom. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no the only way is up. There is no glimmer of hope. There is no this is just a moment.

This is it. I've hit as low as I can hit. I can't see any future. Money is at zero with no qualification for and help. No bills or mortgage can be paid. There is nothing. Nothing good to cling onto.

I've stopped eating. I'm too cowardly to kill myself but at the same time I just want to die. I know if I'm not here my sister will take my young adult child into her home and under her wing.

I just wanted to say it out loud as I have no real life support. Life used to be so good and I never took it for granted. Not sure what I did to deserve this.

Thank you Wolfe and single and everyone else who has posted.
I know it's a big first step but it doesn't really get any bigger than not being able to pay your mortgage and bills.
I think if I slip further into debt things will never start to get better. But if I take positive action at least I'm trying and doing something.
Wolfie made me realize I can't give up for my dc sake.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I think I might come out the other side.
Sorry if there are errors in my post, my eyes are blurry from crying and I haven't got my glasses on.

Where will you go when the house is sold?

Could you sell the house, pay the bills, split the rest and get divorced? I don't want to blame anyone but your DH is the one who lost his job and won't get off his arse to find another one. I'm furious that you're left to seriously consider suicide. I'd rather lose a man than my life.

Oh bless you. I may have something in my eye. Xx
I wasn’t criticising by saying a big step. I meant it was amazing. I couldn’t make decisions like what to wear when I hit rock bottom.
When I was depressed and then started to recover my eldest DC said their worst fear? My suicide. He would have coped fine with losing the house, car and pretty much anything. But mum? He needed his mummy.
The future is unknown. But it can be brighter.

You're not the only one with blurry eyes, OP. A tear just dropped in my soup! (I'm still going to eat it though)

I've been in a similar situation and it was dreadful at the time. We came through it though.

In terms of practical steps

1. can he register for JSA

2. can you boost your income by taking a lodger? We used Monday - Friday and got a series of weekday only lodgers

3. he needs to accept temp work whilst he looks for his next role

Added to the above - sertraline helped me through. I had the same thoughts re suicide but your child needs you and can overcome most things, but not losing their mum. Please know that xxxx

Well done - it will feel like a massive relief when you have the house up for sale. Financial pressure is one of the very worst. Most people would prefer to live within their means and once you are, life is much more manageable fullstop!

Life's curve balls come and go, so don't ever think 'this is it'. Who knows where you'll be in 5 years time.

I hopefully will have some money if the house gets sold to set me up in rented.

Wolfie and single you have no idea what you have done for me today and for my dc. You may think you write a few posts on some random persons thread but believe me you have both done so much more than that. Wishing I had you two in my corner in real life! If karma does it's thing, you two will be rewarded greatly!
Thank you to everyone else who posted. You pulled me from a very dark place. Not saying I won't hit that place again on my journey but I now have a belief that I am better off here and dealing with it than to leave my dc alone.
Hopefully the house sells and a little rental comes up for me and dc. I don't need much else other than that.

Will you have any equity left over to buy a flat? Please think about going on meds' short term - they really can help to pull you out of a hole temporarily (but it can be physically tough due to the side effects for a couple of weeks). I think you are braver and stronger than you know.

Mooncup and Miss thank you.
I can see that maybe the future might be ok. I've had a fab life and experienced some lovely things which I am grateful for. But this very moment, this present, this bit of time can only last so long and even if it gets worse I have to believe it will get better.

Mrs not enough equity for anything else. Enough to pay bills and get a rental. Starting off with a clean slate is all I can hope for. Sad to lose my lovely home but I can make a lovely home with my dc wherever we are.

Do you have a spare room you could rent out? I'm not being presumptuous as I don't know your economics but we managed 359-400pcm with weekday only lodgers, with JSA on top for my husband it enabled us to pay the mortgage whilst he found jobs. In fact it worked so well that we kept it going when he eventually retrained.

I promise you will be ok, but lots of love and support for you here

We don't have a spare room. Going to sell some things to raise a bit of money but not enough to save us.
I keep having huge waves of determination followed by a huge dip of fear and upset.

Fair enough - sorry my suggestion couldn't be possible. Before you make any big decisions it's worth talking to your mortgage company as they often can help.

I also used step change in the past.

Look after your mental health first and foremost but remember there is a lot that can help buy you time and your husband may well be eligible for income based JSA xxx

Thank you. I hadn't thought about step change. Lots to look into and think about. Don't want to take too much time making a decision as that will just build up further debt.

Honestly welling up here OP. Happy to stay in contact if it helps.
Life can be crap. But it can also be incredible and joyful. Wishing you much joy to come. X

Thank you wolfie. Would be good to stay in touch either on here or through private message. I will never forget the kindness I found on here. I'm about to speak to dc about our options and selling the house etc. am going to try and put a positive spin on it for her.

Feeling for you OP - most of us, if we're totally honest, have been where you are at present. I see you work for the NHS, do they have a staff counselling service you could access? When I was at my lowest ebb I accessed my workplace counselling service and a wonderful Irishman's counsel and compassion saved me. Well done for taking the first step of putting the house on the market. I hope things get better for you.

Thank you. I've kept what's going on private from work. I don't have a very understanding manager. He doesn't believe mh is a thing and doesn't have time for anybody's personal needs. At this moment I need my job more than I need their support.

I do understand that, Knitted, it's so weird that some people deny mental health issues. Oh to be one of those that has never suffered!!! You do need professional help, please, please contact your GP who has then has got other professionals to help you. For your own sake, and that of your adult child, please do this. Keep posting, Knitted, we're all here for you.

The support I've had has been amazing on here. I don't feel judged or looked down on. I've spoken to dc. She took it really well. I've said I'm always here for her and she must come to me if she's worried about anything.

Just coming in to hand hold ❤️❤️

I have eczema and asthma.
And depression and anxiety.
The mental stuff is no less real than the physical. I won’t feel ashamed or bad. I will work to be healthier.
Support does help.

I don't know if you lot are good or bad for me! Every time I read another supportive post I well up again! If I had you lot in rl I would be a force to be reckoned with! You have no idea of the impact you have had on my life today. xx