Oh tulips, I have only just seen this. I wanted to post because I know how awful things can be - I had a thread like this a while ago and there have been countless times since then when I really needed one...
Actually, having read a few more of your posts, I am wondering if I 'know' who you are... in fact, I do know who you are. We talked but I didn't realise things were so bad. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm a million miles away from you so I can't be much practical help but I am here for you.
You know I have similar issues - at least the MH ones. I also suffer with non-respondent Major Depression. I do other stuff too - you know about it. I have terrible terrible thoughts. I am on so many meds to help me get through each day that I feel like a walking pharmacy. So, I do understand.
It's a horrible way to be. And you don't deserve to feel like this. You are a wonderful person, kind, thoughtful, considerate - you have been there for me so many times. I can't thank you enough. You know this can't get much worse. So that does mean things can only change. They may change for the better. But you need to be here to find out.
One of the things my therapy does is working on re-training your brain. I have learnt that over the years, my self-destructive coping mechanisms have reinforced in my mind that that is how to cope. Now I have to work incredibly hard to train by brain that even if it is thinking a certain way and making me want to do something I probably shouldn't , that I don't actually have to do them. It makes sense. But you know as well as I do that the compulsions are overwhelming at times. It is impossible to deal with things any other way. It's so easy to sit here and type this to you. I know it is soooo hard to actually take it on board. Perhaps instead of preaching to you, I should actually so what I am telling you too...
I'm rambling. I wanted to be supportive and helpful but I don't think I know how to be. I just wanted you to know that I had seen this, that I am concerned and very sad that you feel like this. I'm going to email you now.
Please, hang on in there.
{hugs}