Need to talk - need distracting - can you talk to me

[tulips]

I am falling apart

I need distrating

I know I need to talk but I cant pick up the phone

I have come on here to see if this helps

talk to me

please

Tulip, i just wantd to add that i too was thinking about you last night, well still am. I didn't feel able to post anything constructove so thought it best if i didn't post at all.
Please do take the advice that has been given. you really do need to talk through some things so that if things come to a head again, it isn't so dark.

Please don't be cross with yourself. Its so easy to feel anger at asking for help but its really nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm overwhelmed by the kindness of the responses on this thread. Thank you Munmsetters.

Just so people are aware. I am already receiving some support. I have been seem by the community mental health team and have been referred for psychoanalytic therapy at the natyional institute for mental health. I am also on medication and am reviewed by a psychiatrist regularly. However, because of my complicated diaGgnosis, and the fact that I normally do such a good job of wearing a mask to front the outside world, I am no longer seen as critical and am left to join the queue to wait for treatment. That is very hard to deal with.

Sorry, I didnt mean that post to be so long, but didnt want people to think I was sitting on my backside not actually seeking help. (Before I was seen by the CMHT I had spent a number of years trying out various private and alternative treatments, to try to help myself).

I have not had as much to drink tonight (yet) so I am far more fluid and far less irrational and emotional about things. Although I still regret starting this thread in the first place and bearing my soul on mn for all to see..... But, seeing as did start it, the least I could do was to update you

tulips - i reapeat; you are amazing.
come back and bare your soul anytime you like, ok?

No one thought you were just sitting on your arse! Please try not to beat yourself up so much (easier said than done I know). Perhaps you should let that mask slip a little in RL? Might help you get a bit more help?
Thinking of you x

anyone here?

I am

Hi there

I've only just read this thread. So, you're a coper so they let you cope and then you CAN'T cope anymore right?

yeah newlife - someting like that

I know I shoudl be in bed but atm I am in a irght old panic and am resisting running as far away as posisnble

hi busybena

I think when I was caring for my exdp I felt like you do a few times. Phoned Samaritans myself once too but for me it just emphasises how on my own I am in coping with life. Nobody can live my life for me and so if life is shit then life is shit and it is MY problem.

It's like asking someone to go to the toilet for you!

Im not quite sure what to say to you, only please dont do anything to hurt yourself, my friend did last month and she died at the age of 21. please phone the samaritans, just talking to someone wil help. im so sorry to hear about your dh, it must be so hard. can you make the most of the time you have together? are there things that you and the dc can do to store memories of him, eg scrapbook, photos, days out etc etc?

but how do you accept that newlife?

yes, so life is shit - and no one can change that apart from perhaps you - but what if you dotn wnt your life?

I dont

what would happen to your children though if something happened to you? how would your dh feel?

oh bisy bean I am so sorry to hear abotyu your friend. My dh isnt about to die at any moment. But he has an illness that will kill him sosoner rahter than later. Oh dear spelling that out is v hard and upsetting. My feeligns are so selfish.

but your feelings are right. losing your dh is going to be the hardest thing, but when someone dies its so important to look back on the happy memories rather than thinking of lots of what ifs.....

can you afford to go away on holiday? have some proffessional photos of you all done?
you need to build up a "portfolio" of happy lovely memories, for both you and your children....

DCs and DH would be devastated of course, but that's part of the pressure isn't it?

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Sorry this is all getting a bit too mch for me. I am going to bow out. I cant carry on this coversation any more, sorry. Please forgive me for ever staring this thrtead. I am just a creul insensitive person. Why on earht did I put all this on mn? Goodnight, but thanks for tlaking. x

tulips, you sound so sad...but brave too.

You say you don't want your life, of course you don't - the way it is at the moment... but this WILL pass.... EVERYTHING passes.
Things WILL get better.

Get the help you can... both practical and emotional, ...sounds like you are already but don't stop....DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!

please

I don't accept the shitness of life and sometimes walking away seems easiest but because I don't feel I have that choice (I've 3 dcs and a mother who'd probably kill herself too if I did leaving a dh and my sister, and so on...) I try and find ways of turning negatives into positives. I have grand dreams of setting stuff up to help people like me with my day to day issues (financial difficulty, domestic abuse, caring for mentally ill).

Sometimes it all feels terribly futile.

Sometimes the fact I don't feel I have the choice of departing this life keeps me going sometimes it turns me towards dark feelings of wanting to leave it all.

I'm not depressed as a rule and I feel all of these things. I have been depressed in my early 20s and cannot imagine dealing with this level of difficulty on a daily basis and being depressed on top.

Tulips are you ok?? there is no way you are cruel and insensitive you are going through so much! you are caring and wonderful remember that

Tulips you are NOT cruel and insensitive or anything like that. You are going through an immensely difficult time.
My DP cared for his wife for 3 years as she was dying and he says it was the hardest time of his life, and that he thought he would never get through it. But he did and he has found joy in his life again. I'm not comparing it to your situation, everyone is different, but just trying (very clumsily) to say that you may well come through this, there may be good times to come even though it seems very dark now. Please hang in there and try to access some more support in RL if you can x

Message withdrawn

thank you all for asking after me. I am not okay. we had some bad news this afternoon. DH's liver has deteriorated and they want him to begin chemo on Friday. We knew it was coming but somehow hoped it would never happen.

is anyone around?