Parents of anxious kids/ teens support thread

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi
Welcome to parents of anxious/ teens thread.idea is to share tips and advice and listen and support each other on days things are getting tougher

bigbus/parsley I used to be a huge comfort eater of sweets/chocolate.im an all or nothing person so gave them up in favour of other comforts-do my nails,Deepcondition my hair,a face pack of an evening -ways I'm in saying I love myself and I'm worth caring for.it took me a year with a number of setback,but I am now adding in a bit of yoga during the day as part of my self care.i walk (can't drive) and am lucky to pass thru a nature reserve walking lil zoo to school so having aindful walk enjoying today's landscape soothes me

Bloody aweful day here today. The weekend was so good - DD1 came with us to a local panto and even ate a veggie hotdog there which is a massive step. However, yesterday a boy in her class had to leave the room and was sick - one off school. Real challenge to get DD1 to school this morning and now she says she’s not going to eat for a week. Having said that, she did eat some food tonight but none of the actual dinner. She wants to talk all the time about it but is completely unreceptive to any logic (which is the nature of phobia, I know). She seems completely unwilling to challenge the anxiety at all. She won’t do anything the doctor suggests. I’m really struggling because things were going so well and now we seem to be back to square one. :-(

bigbusshe made amazing progress at the weekend eating in public.also remember she must be engaging a tiny bit of logical thinking to eat SOMETHING after saying couldn't eat for a week.she sounds overwhelmed to me,given a few days to rationalize things hopefully can get back on track.in your shoes I'd tread lightly for a couple of days then gently note how well she did at weekend and see if she's ready to talk of how she feels about her setback.
Personal experience I needed reminding no one likes being sick and that we are to some degree hardwired to avoid those that are in a primitive survival sense..BUT we aren't in the primal age and with modern medicine to help us people survive many things.does she avoid areas if flu is prevelant for example?I don't as I'm not afraid cold based illnesses despite flu having capacity to knock me off my feet.which you can then point out perception of danger/logic.
Sorry if it seems an essay.as a mum and emetophobic I can see both sides of the coin and feel for you as neither side is easy

Well we have finally got a copy letter from O.T to D's school saying he's unfit to be there right now...
Still no homework though....

Zoo many thanks for your reply the other day - I actually wrote a long post to thank you but it doesn't seem to have posted. Sorry about that! I wish I had read your post before I lost the plot on Tuesday but also sometimes it seems that DD1 and i have to have a bust up every now and then to clear the air - I guess there is the teenager factor coming in too! She has reverted to her previous improvement so that is a relief. I fear we may stagnate now as life is sort of bearable but in no way a 'normal' teenage life. I worry that I lack the energy to move forward from this point and the other kids need some time too.

Great that you have the letter and the support from the OT. Do they have a plan going forward? What does DS want - does he envisage any end result/have any goals or is he just too anxious at the moment? DD1 still not eating at school but has said she wishes she could which seems to be definite progress - before she just said never and that was that.

We are having an old friend of hers round this Sunday so this will be progress too.

Happy Friday everyone. Thanks again Zoo

bigbus he wants to be able to go to school,outings,sleep properly,not need ear defenders...o.t are currently trying to build up some rapport currently.im not sure how they plan to help us
School emailed me that they've received sign off letter and that D's on waiting list for SAM learning package which aledgedly will provide some online learning

How were everyone's weekends? Ours has been up and down but DD1 says she might try to drink some pineapple juice before school tomorrow. Small victories! We had a long chat last night about how the anxiety is controlling her life and she is letting it make all her decisions for her. The problem is that in order to challenge it she is going to have to do some things which will increase her anxiety and this feels very frightening for her.

Zoo although it's probably sad to hear him talk about all the things he wishes he could do, I guess maybe it is also a positive thing that he still wants to be able to do these things? It sounds like the OT is really good - my DD1 would only be able to work with someone she trusts so it's really important to build up rapport first.

I hope the week ahead is not too stressful for everyone.

Bigbus acknowledging it gets worse before it gets better is an important part of the process and things that provoke acute anxiety and you stay with it feel like amazing victories!

Not great weekend.ds very agitated and anxious.ive got problems with my back so we've not been out walking as much,plus I'm trying to limit screen time as he's relying on his phone/Xbox for Minecraft as distractions which I fear will hamper any attempts to return to school(eventually) as he can't manage without either.as result reduced screen time has caused few angry outbursts and tears but I feel it's a bit manipulative as when he can only do what he likes he's much better?

I have exactly this manipulative thing today - big fuss about eating dinner (salmon) - I'm full, I'll be sick - but then somehow managed to gobble up a jacket potato, strawberries and some ice cream! Seems she can eat things she likes! But only in the evenings, I do recognise that eating at other times remains extremely anxiety-provoking. (She had some pineapple juice before school today - small steps!).

I am aware that there is also the whole teenage thing at play here and don't want to excuse all her behaviour as anxiety-based when some of it is really just normal teenage stuff.

bigbus well done on the pineapple juice!
It's hard deciding what's the anxiety and what's pushing boundary's sometimes isn't it?

I’ve just watched the Dispatches programme about home schooling. It’s very interesting.

bigbus I'm planning to .I've friends on MN who homeschool Asiatic kids and they're breathing fire it's very biased..one I also follow on FB and her kids have a rich mixture of clubs they attend and since withdrawing from school have grown from frightened barely communicators to confident people!
Will try and watch it today and get back to you

Hi everyone, mind if I join?

My DD (10) is Emetophobic with anxiety and panic attacks and has struggled for years, we are only just putting the pieces together now. She’s deteriorated rapidly since November last year - last night she woke at midnight and didn’t go back to sleep until after 5am. She panics and repeatedly, obsessively seeks reassurance that she’s not ill. I’m reluctant to keep reassuring as I know long term it doesn’t help, but it gets to the point of just surviving the night.

I’m also wondering about ADD as she ticks quite a lot of boxes (but at home only - she had been doing quite well at school).

Welcome fairwell

Bigbus is experiencing similar problems with her slightly older daughter.i have personal experience this horrible phobia

Remember girls can be "high functioning" so it's harder to diagnose a raft of different issues.also just a thought but she may be fearful admitting things in case it makes them happen(i.e I can't eat X,y,z as it could make me sick)
As for nighttime we do what we have to do to survive.no judgements here
That said if it's becoming too much you could try saying not before X time and practising grounding techniques(breathing exercises etc.i can share some if it would be helpful but if you have tried all this please tell me to stop! ) and it's impossible to learn these once already stressed they need to be fully on board so they can naturally be reached for during stressful events before logic part of brain shuts down and panic fully takes hold..all easier said than done.my D's sleeps on one sofa me on the other at mo,anything less and he passes and panics all night so no one in the house can sleep!

Zoo thank you, we’ve started trying a few things, I’d be very grateful if you could share your suggestions, we are really struggling to find something that helps in the midst of the panic - what you say makes complete sense.

Hi Bigbus, I recognise a lot of my DD in your posts. Sending solidarity to you and to everyone else too

Sorry should have added a bit more detail - sleep-deprived brain! Just went for a shower, put shower on, put plug in for some stupid reason, wandered off and nearly flooded bathroom!

She’s been referred to CAMHS very recently, but things have escalated so much we are starting with a clin psych. She’s still going into school but it’s a massive emotional struggle and she’s with the school SENCO for at least an hour each morning. Not sure school have anything else to offer.

Yeh,I can relate to school not being much usefarewell we having issues with ours.ds has been in SENCO since sept,spend couple hours doing little fact files etc.no real work.hes signed off now thru cahms and school are saying might give online stuff...

Ok,first up breathing exercises.7/11- breathe in slowly for 7,out for 11.my D's gets tangled up counting and stresses if breaths don't reach right numbers so we have hot chocolate visualization ...imagine holding a mug of hot chocolate.its to hot to drink and you need gently blowing it to be able to drink it.visuakise what the cup looks like cup it with both hands and imagine how warm it feels etc .is your chocolate "pimped"(cream,sprinkles,sauces,chocolate flakes,cherries etc) we find this combo works better for us as it's mindful as well as breathing.slow gentle breaths out to cool the drink.another option is birthday candles on a cake,but rather than blow them out you are trying to just make them flcker with gentle breaths(you can practise with real candles if you are awake enough for health and safety)
These need to be practised at least couple times a day WHEN CALM.the idea is to teach how to go from normal/calm to very relaxed as it then can be seen as a very soothing thing to do and the brain will actively want to feel like that during panic

Next up,I'd try grounding.the brain starts to panic and shuts of logic as it tries to assess perceived dangers.you need to bring it back as quick as possible to a point she's aware panic is starting and needs to implement breathing and possibly distraction techniques+more on those in. Sec)smells are great grounding tools.you need to find one she finds soothing.commob comforting smells are orange,lemon,peppermint,rosemary, ginger,or maybe a favourite perfume?carry a tissue with a little oil of scent,a little piece rosemary etc in her pocket and as soon panic starts to rise smell it and teach her to say to herself "I feel myself starting to panic,I can help myself feel better" the lack of control affects most people so having a sense of will to it helps

Then distraction- that's trial and error.at home colouring is very calming,soothing baths or music,favourite books and films harder in street/classes.take 5 works here
5 things you can see
4 things you can hear
3 things you can touch
2you can smell
1 you can taste

All about bringing the brain down so logic can engage

Oh,that was an essay
Also learn about causes of panic-stricken is heart races because body precieves danger and adrenaline spikes in case need to run away etc

And finally my favourite analogy.
Worrying thoughts are like tomato seeds
If you plant a tomato seed and ignore it,nothing happens.
If you plant a seed and give it attention/water it grows bigger and bigger and eventually you end up with more tomatoes
Basically saying the more time you give worries the more worries you end up with!!

I should've added once skills are learned they work as follows
Panic starts
*Ground with smells
*acknowledge- say I am starting to panic and I can cope with how I'm feeling
*Breathing
*Distract or take 5 whilst still breathing as slowly and deeply as possible

zoo you are very kind, thank you so much for the advice. Trying to get her to practice while she isn’t panicking is a great idea. She gets it in theory but all the breathing etc falls apart when she’s panicking - we’ve never actually done it when she’s calm so that’s a really great suggestion, so she can understand how it feels.

Smells is a brilliant idea too, she has a very acute sense of smell and I can see this really helping her, she might even enjoy picking a couple of comforting smells (if I can time it right)

Farewell I’m sorry to hear you are in this situation too. DD1 has always had this phobia but it got massively worse over the summer holidays after a friend was sick virtually on her in the very back of our car, which combined with starting secondary school and being right in the middle of puberty created a perfect storm I think. DD1 remember everything I ever say - even the things said in desperation to get her to go to school! So now she is convinced that I said she can’t be sick if she doesn’t eat. She googled it and found out it takes 4 hours for your stomach to empty so she works on this basis.

Before Christmas mornings were a complete nightmare and honestly I was near breaking point myself I think. It could take an hour of screaming to get her there. We’ve started seeing a doctor every 2 weeks and there has been some progress - mornings are mostly better. She had not been eating or drinking anything before or during school for several months but this week she one sip of pineapple juice before school one day and a few sips of tea another day. Yesterday she also ate pizza at school! I could have cried!

The problem is that there are so many references to vomiting. We had a massive relapse when she watched Pitch Perfect and a character was sick without warning. So many foods are crossed off the list for various reasons.

I could say so much more...

It’s exhausting and so illogical. Zoo and this group have been a massive help. And currently things are a tiny bit better so there is hope. I still get massively frustrated at times and must confess I have lost the plot on occasion. I’m not proud of that but I’m trying not to be too hard on myself.

Sending best wishes to you all

bigbus she ate pizza at school?that's AMAZING.you must've been so proud of her❤️
Camhs for D's today,we also now have Sam online learning from school in place.we start today!!(wish us luck,D's not impressed his easy billet is over)

Fairwell I forgot to ask if you have much real life support and how you care for yourself?it's exhausting and if you are running on empty emotional batteries it's easy to become very down with how things aren't as you expected your child's life to be
Post as often as you wish.we love to hear achievement as well as support bad days

Bigbus oh god, the twisted logic and recalling every little detail that’s said. I’ve twisted myself in knots with her questions. Oh the frustration - I feel like my head is going to explode sometimes and I’ve found myself getting upset and getting impatient with her at times. I feel awful about this but the clin psych said that it wasn’t a bad thing for her to see that, and that I have feelings that I need to express too. It sounds v positive about the pizza though

zoo Yes we are really struggling to look after ourselves and I don’t see how we can sustain life as it is.

We did have some success though last night. We practiced the breathing using candles, and DD was able to put it into practice overnight, which meant that although she woke frequently she didn’t get hysterical as she’s done previously, and was able to get back to sleep quite quickly. Terrible morning though, not helped by the fact she has a cold. She is in school but very unhappy about it.

Any other illness makes them more twitchy full stop I find...D's hates sore throats in his mind his throat feels right all he time and add that in he's convinced it's closing and he can't breathe...

Zoo re the pizza - I was on the way back from helping at a school outing for DS (60 yr 2 kids at a botanical gardens) and was on the train talking to the teacher when she called me to tell me - had to explain why I was nearly in tears about a slice of pizza! She’s decided she can eat ginger biscuits now because it’s good for the stomach so some progress. We went out for dinner for my birthday tonight and she at calamari and pizza and cake (in between polos) but managed really well given that last time we went to the restaurant she had to leave before the food even came.

Farewell glad the night was slightly better. We have certainly been there with terrible mornings. I get so (unreasonably) frustrates by stupid remarks that other people make without realising. All it takes is for one person to say ‘There’s a big going round’ and we’re in all sorts of trouble!