Feeling generally unmotivated

[Clairelouise91]

Hi, im not really sure were to start really. So ill try keep it short. Me and my ex partner of 4 years planned to have a child but after i got pregnant he walked out when i was 5months gone and ive been on my own ever since. He is in her life but doesnt really step up alot hes more like a glorified babysitter who has her every other weekend then maybe in between if i beg him so i can help out at work etc.

I didnt expect to be a single mum so my whole life has been flipped upside down my daughter is now 18months and i love her more than anything in the world. There has been some hard times and probably a fair few more to come but i wouldnt change being a mum for the world. I live on my own with my daughter, So thats my set up that has led me where i am now.

I originally went back to work full time after maternity but it was too much trying to handle a full time job and being a full time single mum not to mention the child care costs. So now i work avg 20 hours a week. I racked up alot of debt when i was on maternity as i had no savings and when my ex walked out i suddenly unexpectatly had to pay all the house bills on my own aswell as provide for a new baby. So have been struggling alot with money

Sorry im blabbing on. So i have started an IVA to try and sort my debts out but i just feel like its one thing after another
Im now left with so much spare time and one on one time with my daughter which i love but i find she just gets bored. I had to give up my car so lost that independance and i cant afford to even take her to a play centre i struggle to even feed myself sometimes she is always provided for though.

I generally just feel like i could be doing so much more i just feel de motivated, alone and just like i cant be bothered i just sit on my phone all day doing nothing (onvs watching the daughter at the same time) i play games with her and read and stuff but i run out of ideas and admittly cant be bothered. Im tired allll of the time and just want to sleep in the day but i cant.

I just feel like my life has come to a stand still and i have no self enjoyment or passion for anything. Sorry for the long post 🙈 i dont want to go to the doctor i feel they have more important cases to deal with and havent tried to sort myself out this is the first ive said anything. Just wondering if anyone has any advice if anyone has experienced anything similar TIA xx

To add, none of my friends have children so are busy with there own lifes, i rarely spend physical yime with family due to me not driving anymore and they dont drive. So every day/night im just on my own. I have nothing going on in my life for me everything relates to being a mum...i feel more lonely than anything especially in the nights and the fact ive had to put my career on hold the hours dont suit around childcare for full time anyway so i will need to change career before she starts school but i really dont even know what i want to do 🙈

I keep forgetting bits lol it Sounds bitter it probably is but im in this situation feeling like this whilst her dad lives at home pays next to no bills, drives (thanks to me originally giving him a car) has his daughter 4 nights a month and choses not to see her on his day off for the mere fact his words its my day off..has holidays all the time with his girlfriend who hes been with a year (which im fine with im completley over it all) it just seems really unfair when we both chose the responsibility together

Poor you op . It sounds like you have undergone a huge amount of change in your life in the past couple of years, not all of it under your control and that is bound to be very stressful. It's not surprising you feel down in these circumstances as you are perhaps having to come to terms with "how it might have been" to how it is in reality.

Do you think you might be depressed? If so, would a chat with the gp help?

Do you have any family support around you? Are you very isolated? If so, your GP or health visitor may be able to help again with local groups that could offer support maybe?

Fwiw, as an old curmudgeon, I am so cross with all these men I keep reading about on hear who dip their wicks and then leave their partners literally holding the baby.

Good luck op. I really hope things get better for you x

Sorry X posts with your two later posts about driving and not being able to see family etc. That all sounds very hard. Could you move nearer to where your family live if your ex is not stepping up?

Also, maybe you could look around at some local colleges to work towards qualifications for a new career once your dd starts school? Might give you more direction and purpose plus a bit more adult contact during nursery hours? Maybe?

Good luck anyway.

That sounds like a really difficulty situation. I sorry that your ex is being so unhelpful.

In terms of boring, practical suggestions, have you checked that you are claiming all of the benefits you are entitled to? I absolutely do not think a visit to the GP would be a waste of time. Partly they might be able to signpost you to resources for someone in your situation.

Another suggestion is depending where you are in the country you could try meetup.com or an MN meetup in order to meet people if that is important to you?

Thanks for your reply erinaceus, its a lot of different little things im un happy with that are just making it all seem so much bigger. Yeh i recieve everything i should but tax credits said they paid me too much last year so have deducted £40 from me a week for the majority of this year 😞 so thats left a hole. I get so anxious about meeting new people another thing that has come from no where since the break up and ive never really been an anxious person 🙈 ive been moved into a new build area and every house has families and young children i thought about getting to know a few of them but left it too long because i was scared so i feel like they now have there own little mum groups lol i think i need to just deal with one thing at a time but i dont know which thing to start with first i just always find the negatives, ive thought about dating but then thought well im stuck at home every night and the odd weekend i dont have her thats when i work so dont really have time for that.. then all the toddler groups near me tend to be on the two days i work. I went to some baby classes when she was really little but none of the mums seemed to make an effort no one swapped numbers etc and they barely said two words to me maybe i should have been more forward i dont know i look young for my age im 27 but still get I'd for scratch cards sometimes 😂 so i feel like i get judged when people think im really young maybe just being paranoid 🙈 people go through a hell of alot worse than i am i guess i just feel stood still with nothing to work towards or look forward to if that makes sense xx

Thanks chipotlejars just seen your reply yeh i sort of went on a rampage! My family are very scattered and im in social housing now so sort of stuck where i am for the time being. Yeh i think now im working part time i have more time to think about what may have been or what i imagined it to be. I have a twin sister who has just got married saving for a house and has my gorgeous niece sometimes i think why couldnt i have had that. I dont know wether its depression, anxiety or my lack of healthy diet and a good nights sleep thats causing me to be so tired and un motivated. I have been to the doctors before they did a load of blood tests to rule out and medical issues all was fine they never really followed up with another appointment so i assumed they wasnt that worried about my state of mind x

Yeah it's crap isn't it. (I never got as far as DC, my DH decided he wanted a divorce which upended my plans, but my peers are having DC now whilst I am on my own and whilst I am delighted for them it's horrible for me.)

It is really, really crap. Is the IVA helping or are you getting more into debt?

Im so sorry to hear that 😪See its situations like that that make me feel like an ungrateful martar! I absolutly love being a mum, i just want to make a better life for her than i had but everything i try just doesnt seem to have the outcome i hoped for 😕 It wasnt so hard to keep her engaged over summer as we could go to the park etc which is free i get fresh air she has a play win win but with winter approaching and no car i am dreading sitting indoors day after day trying to occupy her mind and she is very on the go so doesnt concentrate on one activity for too long. Its only just all been accepted the IVA so my first payment goes out this week so i guess finances can only get better from here. I dont think i have depression because i want to make changes and turn everything around for me and my daughter to have a happy life together, and i have tried different things like looking into groups, i also tried dating and this guy just put me off if anything of trying it again, we went our seperate ways after 5 months as it just added pressure. But now i just feel so drained all the time and dont know what to do next as nothing seems to be working, i even spoke to a career advisor as im a restaraunt manager at the moment and have a degree in management but due to having no evening or weekend childcare its just not going to work. I have been to interviews for jobs working in the nhs as i feel i would enjoy this as a receptionist/administrator but lack of experience i havent been given a job yet. The career advisor said i wont be able to get anymore funding and would be better going into an admin role anywhere and working up from there but i then feel working for a company i have no intentions of progressing with and leaving my current job which i do actually enjoy and i have been with them 10 years will just give me another thing to hate about getting up in the morning 🤔 see what i mean about always having an excuse which is how it sounds and i am fully aware of it xx

I don't think you need to feel like an ungrateful martyr! It's a different set of difficult circumstances to yours. This was the bit I could relate to the most though:

i just feel stood still with nothing to work towards or look forward to if that makes sense xx

I am not surprised you feel drained, you are single parenting with an uncooperative ex who is father to your DC, sort of pinned location-wise far from family and with no car. It sounds overwhelming. I also think it's hard to make friends once you are an adult and I am not very good at it myself I don't think.

I sort of decided to myself that seeing as I felt trapped in the way that you describe I was going to try to somehow make the best of the situation anyway, so I try to go to some things like groups and what-not, without the expectation that I will make new friends, just to try to do the activity, otherwise I end up somehow disappointed at the lack of getting to know people. It does work, but I only started doing this after the best part of a year of essentially doing nothing at all, staying in bed a lot, and feeling very sorry for myself and hopeless, which I think I needed to do actually, it was a sort of mourning period for everything that I had lost in terms of the marriage and the future I had imagined for myself.

I think it's amazing that you contemplated dating, I had rather ruled that one out for the time being!

Do you have any plans for today?

Hi, thanks for chatting :) i am at work today, the two days i work in the week are long days with 3 buses to catch am and pm to drop and pick the little one up from nursery lol but its good to be out and about, i seem to have just lost myself and who i was before being a mum. I was thinking alot last night and ive decided to try different things i can do at home of the nights, im going to try baking first i think, see if i am any good at it. I usually go swimming every 2 weeks with my exs sister (i made an effort to keep my relationship with his family for my daughters sake) but her little one just started school this week so thats swimming stopped for a while until we can figure out when will suit lol ive also decided to go up to my dads over christmas so thats a bit of a worry off about waking up xmas morning alone 🙈 gives me something to look forward to anyway. What sort of activities did you try? Xx

That's okay. I find chatting on MN helpful generally. There is often an ongoing thread on this board which can be helpful I think.

I tried loads of things, at the moment I am into drawing. Mostly still life and architecture, but bits and pieces off all sorts of things. Baking sounds like a good place to start too. I think it can be anything - knitting is popular, nail art, volunteering, making music...anything really...

Are you me OP? I have no advice since I'm in a similar position. I can't even be bothered to eat most days. It's all too much.

Erinaceus they are some good ideas to keep the mind busy will try a few! Speckleddot its wierd isnt it sounds so dramatic but feeling alone when you know your not really is the worst part none of my friends or family understand because they cant relate going to try some new hobbies and see if this IVA helps my finances i think because i cant afford to take the little one anywhere is making the days drag im spending too much time thinking over things and getting worked up at the minute. Sometimes it helps just to rant amd have a few ideas thrown your way. X

How are you doing today? The hobbies thing does help. It takes an effort to get started but even if you can take your mind off other worries for 20 minutes or so I think of it as worth it, sort of like an island of distraction in a sea of misery or something.

Hi, well i tried to do some baking last night, it was a disaster to say the least 😂 i think i need alot more practice! Went out with the little one yesturday and got the bus to see my sister, ive planned to visit my mum on sunday and planned in chester zoo at the end of next week. So feeling a little more upbeat just having things in the diary, it has really helped just to say how ive been feeling out loud even if it is over a computer screen lol. Ive got a diary and decided to pencil in one activity a day so i make sure i get out the house and break my day up a bit, its going well so far thank you x how are you? X

Well, the only thing I can bake with any reliability at all is chocolate Rice Krispie cakes, so hats off to you for trying! Maybe watch GBBO for inspiration? (Maybe you do already?)

Yup yup, put one thing in the diary for every day is what you have to do, and it does help, even though it takes effort. I'm at work full time which helps but as I said no kids so it's a different set-up.

I'm good, been feeling a bit knackered this week, not sure why. Today I'm going to yoga class and then to stay with a friend this evening, tomorrow seeing another friend to borrow some DIY equipment, and so on and so on. One day at a time, it's all you can do.

That sounds nice ive been stuck in yesturday and today the weather is awful daughters playing up she always does if we stay in so feeling a bit stressed out today lol x

Bless you. I felt quite similar after my firstborn but did have a supportive, nearby family network, I understand your situation is much more difficult and hats off to you. When my firstborn was a baby I didn't leave the house unless I absolutely had to, i went to baby groups but really had to force myself and usually afternoons only as it took most of the day for me to get myself in the right mindset to go out.

With my second child we already had our routine before she arrived, out every morning to nursery, friends established and so on. I didn't have that slump and had to carry on with life as it was at the time.

I didn't recognise how I get and behaved as a problem at the time after my first child, but looking back, it most definitely was. I wasn't myself, not at all. I even left work because after the maternity leave time I couldn't face dealing with it all. I didn't even go in to show off my baby.

Had I recognised it, I'd have visited my GP for some advice. You can visit your GP - you're important! Just like the other people with appointments are important too.

Thanks serialnamechanger im really trying to just push myself and stay positive for the time being now that ive acknowledged im not feeling myself and if i feel like im going backwards at any point ill definitely go to see my GP even if they just point me in the direction of the right people. Happy mum = happy child at the end of the day and shes my number 1 x

How's it going @Clouise212322 ?

Hi @erinaceus, thanks for checking in :) this week has been okay i think largly due to me working an extra shift at the start of the week and my sisters been off work the second half of the week lol we are going to chester zoo today just hoping the weather isnt too bad, got my brothers birthday meal tommorow night and work on sunday whilst the little ones at her dads and my friends came over last night. So all in all a good week for socialising and keeping busy 🤗 no plans next week yet and i only have 1 shift at work, i feel alot more myself when im busy seeing different people and out doing things with my daughter it seems to come like buses nothing for weeks then a busy week then nothing again so next week ill probably be back feeling a little low with not much going on but im going to second attempt baking at some point lol how are you feeling? Xx

That sounds good! I'm sure you'll find things to do next week, now that you know that you feel much better once you are doing stuff.

I find it hard to strike a balance, too many things in the diary and I get more overwhelmed and exhausted than I used to, too few and I get stuck in my own thoughts and spiral downwards. This week I started a new evening class which was good but meeting new people is one of the things that I find difficult so I was glad of a quieter evening yesterday.

What evening class did you start? Yeh i know what you mean about too much being overwelming thats why i had to drop my hours at work originally both that and childcare costs anyway. Before i was a mum i was always doing something either working a 60 hour week and seeing friends in between etc i think thats been the hardest change as i cant work as much or leave the house after 7pm so ive gone from always being busy to not doing anything which i think has had the biggest impact so finding a balance is whats needed it seems x

It Improv (like improvised comedy). Out of my comfort zone. I laughed a lot though!