Just want to end it all

[BabyJaneLives123]

I have been on this site now for some time and feel that it is ok for me to share thoughts and feelings. For a long time now I have been feeling really low and had been working in what I can only describe as a horrible place with a toxic workmate, who at times had me feeling like I was going out of my mind. I hated working with the person who constantly undermined me at every given moment and made herself look like a great employee.

I thought I had got out of this horrible situation when I managed to get myself a new job. The whole package was going to be so different but the pressures of learning their system very quickly was very overwhelming and my confidence, being at such a low level as it was, took an even bigger hammering.. The travelling was exhausting and all of this made it impossible for me to stay there, so I left. I now feel like a total failure and a big disappointment to my son. (He is 19)This happened last week and I told family and friends, I have only heard back (by text message) from one friend of mine to ask how I was. I feel I have disappointed them as well.

I dont know what to do. I have never been unemployed. I have to see my GP on Thursday. I spoke to someone yesterday who told me that she may be able to help me look for something through the agency she works for. I am 50 and already think time is running out for me anyway. I just feel like people WOULD be better off without me dragging them down. I feel positive for all of 2 minutes when I am trying to do something for myself and then the feeling disappears.I love my son so much and dont want to leave him in this shitty world on is own but i really cannot cope anymore.....

Thank You JaneJeffer. I do actually feel better after a good cry. Had a good talk with myself this afternoon and two consolations are

1. I am having more good days that bad and
2. I know I have good friends on here who are more of a support to me than they probably even realise.

I know I will defo be there for you guys too any time Im needed!!

XXXXX

Wishing us all a lottery win. Mumsnet can be such a lovely place can’t it. I was too shy to post for years but I’m really glad I braved it eventually. Hope you all have a good day today.

What a lovely message to read this morning Gingermuffin.

I totally agree this is a great site and it has done me no end of good. I post on here when Im happy and hopeful and also when Im sad and despondent and thats the beauty of it for me.

Im just off out for a walk and not taking my phone with me. If anyone wants me this morning then they will just have to wait. (Waiting on the phone to ring IS like watching a kettle boiling!!)

Massive big hugs to all my supportive MN friends!!!

XXXX

Hey all,

I have done the Euromillions twice now when I don’t usually, so fingers crossed for us all.
Haven’t much to say other than to check in and send hugs to both BabyJane and Ginger.
You are doing so much now Baby Jane something has to come back from what you’ve sent out, there really isn’t physically anymore you can do so sit back and be kind to yourself! I emphasise with you about the friend but we’ll save that for another day).
I’m lying in a cold bath listening to The Archers-and we think we’ve problems? (only coz I’m too lazy to get out)

LOL!!!....Cold bath... My God, your brave Mrs!! (I dont mean the cold bath, I mean listening to The Archers...LOL!!).

I actually was watching Eastenders and then my plan was to let you all know that Ive got a job interview next week and a telephone interview tomorrow. Not getting my hopes up, just going to be myself and start believing that "what will be WILL be".

Here's hoping ONE of us gets a big win at some point but if I hit it big, I will pay for all your flights to somewhere hot and sunny I promise.
We can meet up around a pool somewhere for cocktails and a good laugh!!...

Never met any of you guys but you already feel like good friends!!

XXX....Fingers crossed for that big win then!!! ...XXX

Hi Amuseme, hugs back to you and good luck with the lottery to you too. You need to get taps that you can turn with your toes though for when the bath goes cold, they are marvellous . Babyjane that is excellent news no matter what the result. Interviews mean people are interested in you and your cv and they are all good experience. The least you’ll come away with is more good practise.

Xx

Definitely....

I need to remember this:

Yesterday there was nothing and I felt like I was turning in on myself again and today there was 2 positives, so there is a bit of hope. As long as I dont stop looking and applying Im sure something will come up.

Wait and see, it will be just my luck - I'll probably get a new job and will the lottery on the same weekend!!??....(yes!! that IS wishful thinking).
Hope you guys are good. Will keep in touch and remember you do the same. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meant "WIN" not "WILL" the lottery. (See, that's me getting excited at the prospect!!).. XXX

I read your post. Good luck for your job interview tomorrow. You want to believe that you will get the job not 'ah! another one that won't happen'. I've been going through similar feelings as you since I quit my job due to toxic environment. Afterwards, things spiralled down but
I think you need a clear mind for now.
Best of luck xx

Pho2Mum.. thank you so much for your message. That was kind of you to post. If you are going through the same thing then I honestly feel for you because it is hard. But a lot of my Mumsnet Friends have been here supporting me and offering some great advice. (I honestly think my days would have been harder if it wasnt for the fact that I could go back and read some of the things people have written to me).

I hope things improve for you too, let us know how you get on also!!

Will keep you posted as to how things go.

XXXXXX

Well girlies....just for a change Im on here and not moaning!!

I had my very first ever telephone interview today. At the end of it, the guy said (and he was really nice, totally put me at ease), "Congratulations, you passed that with flying colours"!!?? ..

I wasnt sure they even told you you had passed at the end of the interview, I thought you had to wait a couple of days!!?.. Dead chuffed.

I have got to go for the "one to one" interview on Tuesday at 11am but wont get too complacent as there are 15 candidates and only 5 positions. But my fingers are crossed!!

It goes without saying that I will keep you all posted!!

I hope all of my MN friends are OK today and have had a nice day!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Excellent news well done

That's good news BabyJane and thanks for your support. My ds is 5. So I'm finding it hard to focus on finding a job and what kind of? I also have to start a divorce diy but I feel braindead like an impossible task on my own.
I looked up on mumsnet for daily motivations to at least be 100% there for my ds and I like your mantra idea. How are you coping day to day?

Hi there Pho2Mum,

I am good today thank you!. I try now and take one day at a time, even if I have to break it down to one hour at a time. The trick for me is to just keep busy. There was a point in my life when a crisis like this would have me reaching for a bottle of wine, many bottles of wine!!..I no longer do this. This period for me in itself is a really big test. (I have not had alcohol in my life for many months now!!)

In a way Mumsnet has become my AA as well. No matter what happens in my life, as long as I don't drink alcohol then I know I can cope with things. I think having a wee mantra is a good thing. Sometimes you can tell yourself things but its also good to hear from other people too and that's whats good about this site.

Once you throw yourself into something, you've made the start and the only way you can go then is upwards. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce but if it's what you really want too then get the ball rolling on this. I know its not very pleasant but look at it as a way of improving your life. Get rid of the bad to make room for the good!!

Maybe it would be good for you to get a wee part-time job somewhere. If your on your own with a 5 year old, I think you should be able to get some financial help. You should look into it. And apart from that, you will be getting into company again. I always think your problems seem so much bigger when you are constantly thinking about them on your own - at least talking to people you will be amazed at the number of people who have probably experienced the same as what you are going though! Then you don't feel so on your own.

I have an interview on Tuesday and it is going to last 3 hours. Its one of those interviews where there will be role play and all sorts. At first I thought, "Christ, eh?". But the wages are OK, so I'm going to treat it as a day out!! Relax, try and enjoy it and not think about it as an interview but a way of letting people see my personality and what I am capable of. I think this is what its all about. If they like me and I get a job out of it then great, but even after jumping through hoops like that, they don't offer me a position then too bad!! I can only imagine it is going to be like standing in front of Simon Cowall and the most entertaining person wins. There are 15 of us and only 5 positions. I applied for a part-time job in Boots, working on the No.7 Counter this morning. The form took ages to fill in and I've just received another e-mail asking me to do something else online. I was asked to "find a quiet time as this will take approximately 40 minutes". FFS!!!....Its a part-time job selling make-up behind a counter. You'd think I was applying to work at NASA!! LOL!!

Anyway, try and have a good day!!. As with all of my MN friends, I will be thinking of you.

XXXXXXXXXX

Hi,
Re:The Archers, I’m the most unlikely person ever to be listening to it! My friends think it hilarious but it’s my guilty pleasure I’m afraid.
I had an interview on Weds. I think it went ok but I think I deflected too much with humour and didn’t sell myself enough because the confidence wasn’t quite there, should find out on Tuesday.
Wishing you lots of luck for Tuesday, I will have everything crossed for you!!! Xxx

Ahhh!! Listen Amuseme.....I actually thought to myself, after I had posted about you listening to The Archers, I've got a cheek because I never miss an episode of Agatha Christie's Miss Marple. I've seen me being late for a night out with friends because I've been watching this whilst getting ready and don't leave until its finished!! In fact, I've got an episode to watch later tonight (and have bought ice-cream especially for it!!..LOL!!!).

Let me know how you get on when they contact you about your interview. I'm sure you did really well. The fact that you used humour to me is a good thing. You could have just sat there like a "personality free zone", so just wait and see!!...I found that the interviews I have had and I thought went really well were the ones I didnt get offered and the ones I didnt think I did well in were the ones who offered me a job. The interviewers will know you were probably nervous??

I've been asked to go for another interview after the one on Tuesday. The one on Tuesday is really like a Call Centre but sounds really interesting. I've been asked to go for an interview for a "Front of House Receptionist" for a new........Funeral Directors!! My pal was howling with laughter when I told her. She said there is no way I would be able to do that as apparently there is too much carry on in my head!! (Although since I've been unemployed I have been that miserable, I would probably be a good fit!!).

Anyway, have a good weekend!! Keep in touch and let us know how you get on!!

(And that goes for you too Gingermuffin and JaneJeffer if your reading this.....Big Hugs to all of you!!).

XXXXXXX

Excellent to hear that things are happening for both of you lovelies. Good luck to both of you and hugs back your way. Happy Friday .

I’ve just listened to The Archers and one of the characters has died from sepsis! They haven’t quite said yet but I think they’re hinting at it being due to a cut from self-harming on her arm. It’s left me feeling really flat, I don’t want them to delve in to mental health because this is the place I go to to escape from RL- bring back the bloody 🐑!( I was eating an onion bhaji, I wasn’t sophisticated enough to get myself a lolly). I shall imagine you later on a chaise lounges with a white magnum watching Miss Marple.
On the other hand I do love a good Agatha Christie, be it book or tv, I love them all, you can’t beat a good murder! I didn’t get round to seeing the recent Murder on the Orient Express did you?
I think the funeral directors would be amazing-very sad but very fulfilling too. I think a sense of humour would be needed for that.
We’ll get there in the end, it just means we’ve opted for the scenic route rather than the motorway I think?
Anyway, have a good weekend all xxx

LOL!! You certainly make me smile Mrs!!

I really need to listen to The Archers to see what I'm missing!!

I,ve got on my big fluffy onesie, my boy is due in from work and his dinner is in the oven. As soon as he is settled I am going to plonk myself on the sofa and put on the latest "Agatha" picture and get my ice-cream out. I've got a wee tub of Lidl's Speciality - wait for it.........Millionaire's Shortbread Flavour. It's deeeeelish!!!! And tomorrow night I'm going to have the Jaffa Cake flavour (cos its Saturday Night .....and that means "Casualty" is on). Bet your all dead jealous of my social diary eh??...LOL!! (I've watched Murder on the Orient Express so many times I could play a part in it...Luv it!!).

Speak soon......My son's lasagne is almost ready!! XXXXXX

Well i have to admit I used to love it when the archers came on while I was driving anywhere. Never followed it regularly apart from a couple of months where I was on a course quite a drive away and it thoroughly improved the experience of motorway junction traffic for me. I also have little to no social life in the evenings and weekends apart from DP and the kids and actually I’m quite happy that way. I have some lovely friends but we only meet up in the evenings and weekends occasionally although keep in touch regularly and I used to think that made me a sad case but actually it makes me really quite happy. Sorry for the ramble but im in a fab mood today after a stressful week and I wish you all a brilliant weekend xx

It is uplifting to see that everyone is in good spirits. I'm a bit out of my depth here. I don't know much about The Archers, etc I watched googlebox. Now I'm off to read a book that I got from the library. And @BabyJaneLives123 , I admire your strength. Have a good Friday indeed to all.

Pho I only listened because DP hijacked my car radio and I haven’t caught it in ages so have no idea what’s going on at the moment. Also loved gogglebox but haven’t watched that in ages either since the lovely old guy died. I am on with a good book though what are you reading?

Gingermuffin.. I'm glad you had a good week and keep on rambling, I enjoy your rambles!! I too am limited in the friends I have now. When I stopped drinking alcohol I lost a lot of "friends". They didnt see the point in asking me to parties etc because I didnt drink (cos everyone has to be a Piss Artist before they can have a good time right?? ). These days I prefer to remember my good times. I have 2 really good mates who have stuck with me and dont mind going out once in a blue moon for a night out. They know my position with alcohol and they dont try and force me to have a drink. (They say I'm actually better company sober.... apparently I was a boring arse when I was drunk - now only your GOOD friends will tell you this AND they dont mind if I just disappear in the middle of something when everyone else is getting pissed - they understand).. which is why I was finding this unemployment thing so difficult - a crisis like this would normally have had me on benders every night. So if I can get through this AND not drink, then I can get through anything.

Sorry, here's me getting deep and meaningful again. Its because Im a touch typist you see, I can rattle through this in seconds. Once my wee fingers start going, they never want to stop!!

Going to have a hot drink now to warm up my mouth from eating all that ice - cream!!

Pho2Mum...Your not out your depth, your just new....keep posting...keep chatting but most of all keep your chin up!!....Enjoy your book...

PS... I'm reading all about Henry VIII and all his wives at the moment...Fascinating stuff!!

XXXXXX

Ginger, I hope your good mood is contagious! The sun is shining here this morning so off for a long dog walk with the family.
I love reality TV too especially all of The Real Housewives franchises’, it’s a bit of how the other half live. I’m looking for a new book to start so any recommendations would be good, I quite like thrillers and crime and I think a trip to Lidl might be in order too. Xx

Amuseme

I have just finished a book and gave it to a friend of mine and its called The Note....Its actually based on the authors real experience.
She sees this guy on the train every morning and is totally smitten with him. She tells her palls in work and he becomes known to everyone as "Train Man". She cannot pluck up the courage to speak to him although she strategically places herself in front of him every morning and takes care with her appearance in order to try and get him to notice her. She eventually slips him "a note" and ...........thats all I'm telling you. Its one of those feel-good reads and you dont have to think too hard when your reading it....(and its as I said based on a true story)....Good "switch off" read. If its more thrillery books your looking for, Tesco have a great selection.

Hope you all have a great Saturday!!! XXXXX