Just want to end it all

[BabyJaneLives123]

I have been on this site now for some time and feel that it is ok for me to share thoughts and feelings. For a long time now I have been feeling really low and had been working in what I can only describe as a horrible place with a toxic workmate, who at times had me feeling like I was going out of my mind. I hated working with the person who constantly undermined me at every given moment and made herself look like a great employee.

I thought I had got out of this horrible situation when I managed to get myself a new job. The whole package was going to be so different but the pressures of learning their system very quickly was very overwhelming and my confidence, being at such a low level as it was, took an even bigger hammering.. The travelling was exhausting and all of this made it impossible for me to stay there, so I left. I now feel like a total failure and a big disappointment to my son. (He is 19)This happened last week and I told family and friends, I have only heard back (by text message) from one friend of mine to ask how I was. I feel I have disappointed them as well.

I dont know what to do. I have never been unemployed. I have to see my GP on Thursday. I spoke to someone yesterday who told me that she may be able to help me look for something through the agency she works for. I am 50 and already think time is running out for me anyway. I just feel like people WOULD be better off without me dragging them down. I feel positive for all of 2 minutes when I am trying to do something for myself and then the feeling disappears.I love my son so much and dont want to leave him in this shitty world on is own but i really cannot cope anymore.....

I totally get this and my heart goes out to you.

Please remember that however bleak things feel today, they will not always feel like this. Things will change. They always do.

I too was in an awful work situation and left for an equally awful work situation. My self-esteem was on the floor and it all felt hopeless. Applying for jobs when feeling so low was really difficult but I had to do it. And so will you.

Whatever brings you light in life, bring it to mind. Daffodils growing by the side of the road, time with your son, an uplifting book, going to an art gallery and seeing beauty there, walking in nature, music....small pleasures. I don’t know where you are in the country but if your local NHS services run a Recovery College, see if there is a free course you can enrol on. Try to do something every day, however small.

Take heart, things will change for you

Thank you so much MudCity... your comments were/are so uplifting. I take comfort in the fact that I know I am not alone and that there have been people in my position before and have got through this. I will get another job, Im sure of it. And I can honestly say, even now, this has been such a learning curve for me. In future, I will try and not take so much for granted and have a bit more consideration and compassion for people who are worse off than me. I get that sometimes other people can use a person's misfortune to make themselves feel better and if Im truly honest with myself, I probably did this in the past but I will certainly have second thoughts if that feeling ever comes over me again. Its true what they say about feeling so low that the only other way to go is back up. (Right now getting back up is a bit like the scene from Bambi on ice, bit wobbly, but will definitely manage), and its also true that you find out who your real friends are when put in a predicament like this and unfortunately for me, I dont have as many as I thought I had!!

I will certainly keep you posted and honestly dont know how I would have gotten through the last few days without the help of Mumsnet...XXX

Sorry that you’re coming across that total lack of understanding OP. I know how hard work that can be. Most people just don’t understand things or sometimes even try to until they have been through the same thing themselves. Other people are just awkward in situations where they feel like they should say something helpful but don’t know what to say so end up saying totally the wrong thing.

You did the right thing, you stand a much better chance at getting a decent job now that you are out of the place making you miserable. Being in a toxic job at the same time as looking for another one and trying to keep up your confidence for interviews is a lot harder than interviews when you’ve had the chance to recover a bit.

Also, honestly don’t feel like you have to answer to anyone it really is none of their business and your focus should be on you and the positives in your life to move forward. Definitely not in anyway swayed towards other people’s unnecessary opinions. It’s not like you can say oh heck you’re right, silly me, give us a lift in your time machine and I’ll hop out a couple of months ago and do things your way this time.

You seem really positive now and that is amazing. Hope you get some good news on the job front soon. Thanks for keeping us updated X

Glad to hear you're feeling more positive now BabyJane

Just tell people you're between jobs if they ask. Most people will have been there at some stage. I think it's more a case of people relying on work as a subject for small talk much like the weather!

Yes... Your right JaneJeffer..

So much good advice on here and am grateful to everyone who has left really helpful and positive comments. I'm living in the hope that in a couple of weeks I'll be back on here thanking everyone and relaying good news. Trying hard to keep busy. I feel as though if I stop, I;m going for walkabouts inside my own head and imagining all sorts because I've now got too much time on my hands... Washing, ironing, hoovering, going for walks, reading, (all in between doing my internet and newspapers job searches) Timing the television programmes I watch and before I know it I'm back in bed and another day has passed...

People say that everything changes and that nothing stays the same and I sincerely hope that is the case because I hate this. I dont know how some people can do this every day and still come across as being OK (or maybe they're not, who knows?). But...

tomorrow is another day!!!.... XXXX

Thank you so much for that. It means a lot n really did help me put things into perspective. I do feel for your plight but I totally agree that its so good that youve got to your age without being unemployed. Id love to be able to say that n im also bad in the mornings n sometimes feel frustrated or even slightly nauseous bcos im not even claiming benefits but cant carry on like I am. I apply for jobs everyday n its demoralising too. Im not too bad today but to top it all I have a thyroid lump n after just over a mth iv finally got an appt next wk. Blood tests normal but still a worry but im keeping it all together. Us mums we need to be strong. Its great to have other mums for morale support n even some tips sometimes. Thanks x

Hi guys

Just thought I would write this wee update and let you know that I applied for a few jobs online this week. One of them was for a Trainee Recruitment Consultant for a company in the next town from me (only about 20 minutes on the train). To be honest I thought they wouldnt look twice at my CV as I somehow thought "Trainee" to them meant someone straight out of school or a lot younger than me at least.

Anyway, I received an e-mail back from the Managing Director of the Company asking me why I had applied for the position. I explained that I thought I had the experience which fit the criteria for the position and said the word "Trainee" attracted me as it suggested they were not looking for someone who already had experience in this field and I said that I honestly didnt have any recruitment experience but the Job Spec did also say that full training would be provided. I was very honest and said I hoped that had answered his question.

The following morning I received a telephone call from a gentleman who told me he was calling from this company (the Managing Director) and said he would like to interview me for this position and could I go to his office on Tuesday at 12 noon. He gave me his mobile number and said that when I got to the office I was to call the number and he would come to reception and see me. I looked online and read up on this company and they are totally legit and seem very professional (I just couldnt get my head around the fact that the Managing Director personally e-mailed and telephoned me, I would have thought he would have staff to arrange these things..??). The wages seem really good as well.

I will attend for the interview on Tuesday, (I've got nothing to lose). Even if I dont get a job offer, at least I know/knew someone was interested enough to go out of their way to contact me and I still get to have the interview experience.

I just need to try and work on my confidence over the next couple of days. I keep telling myself that it doesnt matter because at the end of the day this company is going to provide full training so it would be like a clean slate.

Would be interested to hear what you think.

PS. I put on my CV my school dates etc, so they must have been able to work out my age from that. Dont know if I am just being paranoid because I know some companies do put experience over youth...Trying not to get my hopes up...See??... thats me chipping away at my own confidence already... I dont think 50 is classed as very old these days. I certainly dont feel it and have often been told I dont look it, but if it was me doing the employing, I dont know if I would rather have someone younger.??

XXX

Interview today at 12 noon!!. Fingers crossed!!...XX

Good luck! Hope the interview goes well. Sounds like they are interested in you and are maybe glad to get a "mature" applicant.

Thank You JaneJeffer.

Just come home and my interview went really well. The person interviewing me was really lovely and he seemed quite impressed that I had looked online and found out a lot about the company and their procedures etc. He asked questions and I answered to the best of my ability and I also had questions of my own.

On the whole I am really pleased with myself. Even if I don't get the position, I at least have the interview experience again and its an ego boost in itself that someone was interested enough to interview me.

I will keep you posted!!...XXX

Hey
Good luck
Im on a 3 wk course n my two children live with me. I hv no income n doing this so I can do an apprenticeship (im over 40 too so......)
I feel my anxiety most mornings tho im handling it so I totally understand your situation n all u told us. Iv not worked much at all in the last few yrs bcos my childrens father is a narcissist n totally controlled, manipulated n abandoned his family. I was told I didnt need to work n in a roundabout way lost the jobs I did get bcos of the control.
Now im stressed with no job but tryin to be positive whilst he is shacked with a gold digger
I so hope I can pull it round and am in same boat as u
We need some good luck you and I
I really hope u get that job

Leave him and his gold digger to get on with it. You have your children and they love you. Focus on them and getting your own life together. I have this wee mantra that I use every morning now (only came across this last week) but every day I waken up I say to myself..."This is my life, I choose how I want to be and today I am going to be confident" and believe it or not it actually does work. I sailed through my interview yesterday and for the first time in ages I felt like the old me again. When I left the building, I felt as though I was walking on air.

My problem was not a man, but a toxic work mate and a more septic work place. Its been over a month now, but Im slowly getting back to normal. Last week, my confidence was on the floor and I would never have guessed that I would be feeling the way I am today. I dont even care now if I dont get this job because I know there will be something else.

Things will get better for you. Remember to be kind to yourself too!! XXX

Well guys... (thinking maybe I should just write a blog..LOL!), did as I was asked. The guy who interviewed me yesterday asked me to "go home and have a think about what we had discussed at the interview" and to "call him about 3pm tomorrow" (which is obviously today). I have called him and it just went straight to his voicemail. I left a message, saying I had called as he had requested and I left my mobile number in order that he could call me back.

Ive not heard anything.....(got a really uneasy feeling now....just when I was feeling really positive)....

Ive been for interviews before and usually what happens is at the end of the interview, the interviewer usually says "thanks very much for coming in, it was lovely to meet you and we'll be in touch"... that sort of thing.

Ive never had an interview where someone says, "Go home and have a think about what we've discussed here today and call me tomorrow afternoon"..???

So I call and there's no reply??....Im begining to think that Ive been had!!...XXX

Hi
I feel tearful n nauseous ths morning bcos I ws already worryin bout paying out loads today for bills n having virtually no income n now iv just noticed an email in my bin folder. Its from my narcissist ex n I just put it in my abuse folder but im now in tears n sickness feeling worse now. Opening line ws im not entitled to maintenance. I put it in a claim but they sed they wernt sure how to find him so as far as I know hes not been contacted plus I left it as hes paid sum rent for us so I thought id not take it further n yet im always worryin bout money n my bleak future. The terrible feeling I have when he contacts me I cnt tell u how badly upset im feeling rite now. I suffer anxiety n depression as it is.
I am tired of being alone while he met someone one mth after leaving us n now just over a yr later hes engaged n shacked up with ths gold digger. Would appreciate support as im feeling just awful now n have no real adult support apart from my friend whos soo far away
I agree ur reply sounds real strange bout the interview

That sounds terrible. Surely you are entitled to some kind of maintenance from him. Have you tried to contact the Child Support Agency?

If you are not working and your on your own with children, are you not able to get help elsewhere with your rent and that means your ex should not have to pay anything towards your rent. Sounds as though you need to get him out of your system and out of your life.

Concentrate on you and your kids. Why dont you go down to your nearest local Advice Bureau. They will have someone who can go over everything with you from you current circumstances to your financial position. You never know, you may even be entitled or qualify for things you dont even know about?.. I would give that a try...Hopefully in time, when you are more sorted in yourself, you too will meet someone really nice and you can start enjoying your life again.

The man who interviewed me called me this morning to say that he still has a couple of people to interview and that he will be calling me again on Wednesday morning ..??.

Im begining to wonder if he is just keeping me on my toes...

Good luck....Take care!!...let me know how you get on...XXX

Things were going fine but woke up this morning with that old familiar feeling. "The Panicks".

I have to see another Adviser at an Employment Agency on Monday at 3.30pm. (The one I registered with 3 weeks ago has not been in touch...is this normal??....never been here before so dont know??)..

The interview I went for on Tuesday went well and the guy who interviewed me called on Thursday morning to say he had other people to see and that he would call me back this Wednesday morning. (Dont understand the need for all these phone calls....is it just me?? or is it because I have too much time on my hands now that I am feeling like things are not happening quickly enough..??).

In a way I am looking forward to my telephone call on Wednesday morning as this will be the "YES.. you have got the job" or "NO.. you didnt get the job" call....

I am telling myself it doesnt matter if I dont get this position as there should be something else for me and hopefully soon, but I know in my heart of hearts that Im going to be devastated if I dont get it and am already living in fear of that "black hole" swallowing me up again!!!

I have been so positive up til now and today sat and read over all of my messages of support from Mumsnet to try and find that "boost" again.

Horrible, horrible feeling. I wish I was more like those people who just dont care...

XXX

Hello OP, I had a very demanding job, travelling round the world, endless deadlines, etc, held it down for 12 years and then I couldn’t do it anymore, went straight into another less intense but still demanding job and couldn’t do that either, I resigned while off sick, had been there less than a month, it honestly felt like everything was tumbling down around me, I have always been an achiever and here I was completely unable to cope with the work environment. I have limped along for a while doing some freelance work, crap pay, but my head has been able to handle it and this week have been offered a job I have been hoping for for months, one I have a great interest in and I know I can do it. Please don’t despair, I felt like I was on life’s scrap heap and was shocked at how fast and far I fell but there is hope and good things will be around the corner xxxx

Thank you for that, really appreciate it.

I think I probably do just have too much time on my hands although I am trying to spend a lot of this time looking for employment. Its going on for a month now and this is the longest I have ever not worked.

Im just a bit confused about the interview I went for on Tuesday. I feel this is a job I could do really well and when the interviewer said to me before leaving "Go home and have a think about what we have discussed here today and give me a call tomorrow afternoon", I stupidly took this as a sign that I was going to be offered this position, so when I called him the following afternoon and it went to voicemail, I left a message. He never called me back that day but called me the following day to let me know that he still had a couple of other people to see and that he would call me again the following Wednesday..?? Why could he not have said after the interview "Ill be in touch with you by Wednesday of next week at the latest to let you know what Ive decided" or words to that effect. All these phone calls, its like a form of mental torture... Is he just toying with me or what??

I am glad though that Im not the only person who has been in this position and this experience will only serve me well I suppose, but right now my emotions are all over the place. One minute Im thinking really positive thoughts and the next Im really down and thinking Im a waste of space. Ive got a 19 year old son who goes out to work every day with the lone parent in the house unemployed. He doesnt comment on this and is very sympathetic because he is a great boy. I just want to get something so I can show him I still can and that there is still some hope out there...XXX

Sorry, I did mean to add "Congratulations" on your new job!! That's great and has cheered me up as it just goes to show there can be light at the end of the tunnel. It just may not be my turn at the minute, but yours is another message I will probably read over and over as these messages really do make a difference!! Thanks again!!...XXXX

Hi
I hope u get it. Im on a 3 wk course for people wanting to jobs in a certain area so altho iv no benefits n suffer anxiety over haemorraging money with virtually nothing coming im tryin to get thro this course. Im a third thro n I too hv a 16 yr old at home but hes not working so I hv to help him find work too. Im still suffering with anxiety so I totally understand how u feel on this. I hate being a single mum too its awful. Not having the other parent to discuss stuff with is so hard. Hes so narcissistic n living with a gold digger tht I cnt even communicate with him. Lifes soo hard rite now. I just try hard to think it wont always be this way

I cant stand this!!....I woke up this morning feeling so despondent. I have just returned from a 2 hour walk and the sun was shining and it was absolutely lovely outside. I keep thinking I will appreciate all this beauty around me "as soon as I get a job". Life will be great again "as soon as I get a job", I'll wear those new boots "as soon as I get a job" Its as though nothing means anything until I "get a job"

Im doing all the right things and have had one interview. The chap is supposed to be calling me tomorrow to let me know if Im going to be offered a position but my gut is already telling me that Im either not going to be offered a job or that he will just not call...

Its been a full month now and I today is the first day I have just wanted to cry myself silly... Im even begining to wish I had never left that awful place I used to work in. The lonliness and despondency Im feeling today is so overwhelming. Im sure people on here must be getting sick of me by now but at least if Im typing this, Im getting something off my chest. Its only five to three and already Im saying "tomorrow is another day!!??"
XXXX

Hi
Its ok to feel like that. I know how u feel. I got a msg that my ex has split with his gold digger yesterday n also tht he was leaving the Uk
Now iv just found out hes not leaving the uk cos hes worried bout our son n his depression. He helped us to get our house financially so iv been all over the place mentally since yesterday. Im a complete mess now. Apparently hes not goin back to this woman but im confused.
I recognise ur efforts to get another job. I so felt for ur anxiety n unhappiness bcos ur last job was causing u so much anxiety. Maybe it wud hv been better to get another job lined up before u left but thats done now. Tht baby shop not been in touch I take it ? He seemed to be messing u around. U miss the routine I get tht totally. Keep applyin everyday for new jobs n sooner or later one will turn up. We are routing for u on here. Being a single mum is hard as iv realised so ur gonna have bad days but dont beat urself up. Msg everday if it helps touch base on here n get it off ur chest. Are u getting by financially ?

Hi and thanks for that. Financially, I am "OK" but dont know how long for. Routine probably is what I am missing and I am trying hard to keep some kind of structure in my day. Im planning things and setting myself goals (even if its just to go to the shops, buy my lottery ticket for the week, go to the Charity Shop and buy a book, anything that means that before I go to bed I can say that at least I did something!!).

Ive spent just over 2 hours now online looking for jobs and have only been able to apply for a couple but at least it is something. The Baby Shop have not been in touch, so going to forget about that one.

I'll wait and see what happens tomorrow....XXX

Hi
Good on u. Yes routine is good otherwise ud feel the strain more
Iv got people coming in to my course next wk to discuss employment opportunities n im hoping to get a job becos like u im shelling out for bills etc n two mouths to feed n only child benefit comin in so I suffer anxiety. I too was constantly applyin for jobs n getting no response cos iv been unemployes exactly a yr now apart from a two temp job so at least u hv an edge over me on that front. My ex saboutaged my previous jobs n wud tell me I didnt need to work until he walked out n found I couldnt get a job. I had structured days n sum money but then I found myself alone n vunerable n lacking a job. I joined a cheap gym n stuff like tht just to give myself sumthing to focus on until a job came along. I now also have a scan n biopsy next wk on my neck just to top off my anxiety which prob caused it lol. Hopefully u n I will soon hv a job n tht will take away a lot of stress n anxiety. I hv to move agen in a few mths which is bcos theyr sellin our house n I cnt afford to stay. Sooo much stress I wanna be a teenager at home again

Hi there!!

Well I got the news I was dreading this morning and that was that I was NOT going to be offered a position working for the company I interviewed for last week. All that stress, worry and questioning my capabilities for nothing!!....

I did receive a phone call from an agency this morning offering me three days temping work in an office in the next town. My travelling expenses will be paid and it will be the type of work I am used to doing. So I said yes!!... (Dont see the point in spending all my time indoors looking online for jobs, walking and reading books when I could be out earning three days wages...).

Ive also decided that this will be my last post on here for a while (unless I get some good news). I dont want to be the person people see and say "Oh no, not her again with her tales of woe"..I dont want to be that pain in the ass.

I do appreciate everyone's kind comments and heartfelt words though..

Thank You...XXX