Just want to end it all

[BabyJaneLives123]

I have been on this site now for some time and feel that it is ok for me to share thoughts and feelings. For a long time now I have been feeling really low and had been working in what I can only describe as a horrible place with a toxic workmate, who at times had me feeling like I was going out of my mind. I hated working with the person who constantly undermined me at every given moment and made herself look like a great employee.

I thought I had got out of this horrible situation when I managed to get myself a new job. The whole package was going to be so different but the pressures of learning their system very quickly was very overwhelming and my confidence, being at such a low level as it was, took an even bigger hammering.. The travelling was exhausting and all of this made it impossible for me to stay there, so I left. I now feel like a total failure and a big disappointment to my son. (He is 19)This happened last week and I told family and friends, I have only heard back (by text message) from one friend of mine to ask how I was. I feel I have disappointed them as well.

I dont know what to do. I have never been unemployed. I have to see my GP on Thursday. I spoke to someone yesterday who told me that she may be able to help me look for something through the agency she works for. I am 50 and already think time is running out for me anyway. I just feel like people WOULD be better off without me dragging them down. I feel positive for all of 2 minutes when I am trying to do something for myself and then the feeling disappears.I love my son so much and dont want to leave him in this shitty world on is own but i really cannot cope anymore.....

Well done for saying yes to the temping work, that’s a great step, let us know how it goes, good luck xxx

Hi OP, please don’t stop updating. I’ve only just found your thread again as it had dropped off my watched list for some reason. I found it again today and just caught up as I was wondering how you’ve been getting on.

I know you didn’t get the job at the recruitment place but it sounds like they were really interested. Recruitment is a really good field to get into so I’m not surprised the competition was high. You must have loads going for you for them to have shown that level of interest.

Congrats on the temping position, I really hope you enjoy it and that it brings more new opportunities for you. I loved temping and the flexibility is a massive bonus whilst you’re still trying to find a good fit.

Do let us know how you get on if you find the time and inclination.

Again congratulations and loads more good luck your way xx

Oh don't worry about moaning, that's what MN is for! Good luck with the job.

Ahhhh!! You guys are so nice!! I just hate being Mrs Moany Arse all the time. LOL!!

Well, today was my second day temping in a small family business. They are a Civil Engineering Company and the people in the office were so nice to me. I have to go back again on Monday and then its back to the drawing board.

I've spent the whole time answering telephones, typing e-mails, letters, scanning etc. Everything I am used to doing, so have really enjoyed it and look forward to my next placement now. Actually started feeling like the "old me" again for a while.

Here's hoping this will open some doors for me.... Fingers crossed!!

Hope your also OK and thanks again for thinking about me and I WILL keep you posted!!.. XXXXXX

There you go, the feeling of having a purpose has returned and with it comes a lift in confidence and self esteem, so pleased you had a good experience, they sound lovely people, the capable you hasn’t gone anywhere xx

Well, I did say I would keep in touch..

Today I finished my very first temping job experience and Im happy to say that I received very good feedback from my temporary employer. I then received a telephone call this afternoon too to say that there is another temp job available for me starting as soon as possible. Its in an office based at Glasgow Airport and is solely for one of the major airlines. Its mainly answering phones and maybe a bit of paperwork , but although its very poor pay, Im hoping it might open some doors for me (at worst its crap pay but at best its getting me out of the house and back into a working environment and also its better to earning something as opposed to nothing right??...

I'd be interested to know of anyone else's experiences doing temping jobs. ..

Hope everyone on here is in good health and OK...XXX

Forgot to add.....new temping job at the airport is for 4 weeks.

XXX

Well done! Keep going, it’s all great experience and you never know where things may lead xxx

And when you leave each temping job try and combine your goodbye with saying to someone suitable that if they have more work, or even a permanent job there in the future, to please contact you.

My mum always taught me that good things happen to good people!! Now, I know I'm no angel but for goodness sake when oh when is this shite going to stop!!

Yesterday I came on here totally high as a kite because I had just finished my first ever temping job and got a really good review. Then I was practically offered another one to start right away in an office right next door to the airport. I was just waiting for one thing to check before officially accepting the position.

I checked out this "one thing" and when I rang the agency this morning they told me that the company had already offered another person this position because she actually lived a lot nearer to the airport. As an employer I can totally understand this but for me..??? this is crap. I keep playing wee positive mantras over and over in my head every day, but each time I get a boot in the teeth I keep thinking "whats the point??".. What is the point??.....I've got 18 years Customer Service experience and 14 years experience as a Legal Secretary and I received an e-mail this morning from a large retail outfit to say that they could not offer me a position because they found someone who had MORE experience!!.. If I had got the job I would have been selling COUCHES!!...I am not qualified enough to even sell a couch!!....

Today, I really feel that this is the end of the road...My sell-by date has ran out and I really am on the scrap heap at 50!!...50..??? Even looks old on paper!!

My mum is also quite a religious person and according to her "everything happens for a reason" "Its all part of God's Big Plan", what the hell is He playing at?? My emotions and confidence are all over the place. Is he having a laugh!!

Im sorry, but for the first time in days, I feel as though I am going downhill again and wish I had just stayed put in my shitty job...I cant handle this...

Im so, so, sorry for this rant but the panic 'feeling just now is terrible!!....So scared it is always going to be like this...XXX

Ah the joys of a religious upbringing. Well now you know it's what God wants so there's nothing to worry about, it all part of His plan for you

Seriously though just tell yourself it's a minor blip and hopefully the agency will find you something closer to home.

Hey OP,
So God doesn’t want you selling sofas, better you find out now than when you’ve signed up for 48 months interest free on a nice brown draylon with free wear/tear insurance.
For what it’s worth I think you’re bloody marvellous and have already come a long way in the last month! You make you own plan and rules from now on!
Pls keep updating though

Thank you!! Amuseme you have certainly made me "laugh out loud" today!!. No, God obviously doesn't want me selling sofas.. But I wish He would bloody hurry up and make up His mind what He does want me to do!!??

I will keep you posted. The thing with me is that I want everything to happen "yesterday" and when your not busy (or as busy as you used to be), sometimes walking around inside your own head can be pretty exhausting. This site IS a "Godsend" though and for that I AM truly grateful.

Will definitely keep you posted... (Amen!!)...

Could you go back to being a legal secretary OP? I thought they were highly sought after? A local practice might be very pleased to employ you.

Hi there!!. This is the type of work that I am looking for but at the moment I feel as though I have to keep my options open. Fingers in as many pies as possible so to speak.

Your right, there usually are always positions for Legal Secretaries but it depends on what type of lawyer you are used to working for i.e. I have done some Criminal Law but not a lot, I don't do conveyancing Law. My field is mainly Civil Law (divorces, separations, child contact cases, evictions, reparation claims Wills, Powers of Attorney). There is a lot involved but not everyone is looking for that kind of secretary. I have 18 years of Customer Service experience as well as 14 years experience of being a Legal Secretary. I have applied for so many positions, some have replied. I've had one interview (didn't get the job) and have just finished doing 3 days temping work. Its only been a month but I am doing all the right things. I have registered with 2 Employment Agencies and I am going tomorrow to register with another one. I am willing to even take on temping jobs until I can get something more permanent. Any advice/suggestions though would be gratefully appreciated. I just hate this getting up every day and thinking "Right, what is THIS day going to bring??"

I feel as though every day that passes is another day I am unemployed and a big failing on my part (but I am trying my best).

Xxxx

I think you are doing all the right things. Something will come up soon. Good luck.

Hey OP really sorry you are going through a shit bit and sorry I haven’t seen this till now. I’ve been going through a shit bit too to be honest but I just need to give my hy head a wobble and drag myself out of the slump. You have come so ridiculously far since your first post and that is all down to you. It’s their loss for going for the easy option instead of the better option. Keep going and big hugs x

Gingermuffin!!!

Hello you!! And nice to hear from you again too!!...Sorry your going through a shit patch as well and even though you are you still managed to send me a nice message, so, thank you for that and its much appreciated!!

Ronnan Keaton once sang that "Life is a roller coaster, you just have to ride it"...So true!!... Up and down and all over the place. Hopefully life will be a wee bit kinder to us both soon eh?..Right now as long as I can get out of bed in the morning, put one foot in front of the other and just DO something, then that's a bonus!! Ohh.... and keep buying the Lottery Tickets!!

I'll keep my chin up as long as you do too ok?.. XXXXXX

Will keep you posted!!..XXX

I think a lottery ticket is an excellent idea. Fingers crossed for us both

Hey Op,
How’s the job hunt going? I’m in the same predicament as you and have my 1st job interview next Wed after being pushed out of a job a year ago due to a shitty boss, Owner and environment and not being mentally strong enough to do a tribunal. I haven’t worked since, have slowly been building my confidence back up. Dreading them asking why I left or why I haven’t worked. I need to come up with something quite feasible I think. They also want exam certificates but my GCSE’s were 20yrs ago so not sure how i’ll get those? So God knows what Gods plan is for me?!(especially as I don’t believe in him-sshhh!)
How is your lovely Boy doing too? Xxx

Thanks for both of your messages!!...

Gingermuffin,...... I am going to put an extra lucky-dip on this weekend and I'll shout you if I GET lucky!!..XXXXXX

Amuseme, I'm sorry to hear of your predicament also. Job-hunting for me is OK just now. I've got to the stage where as long as I can do ONE thing every day, whether it be register with another employment agency or apply for something online each day, then its a day when Im positive. Last couple of days have been up and down with a lot of negatives but today feeling really positive again. Ive got to wait until tomorrow to hear back from the agency about another wee temping job so that might be good.

Go for your interview with a big smile on your face (so that the first impression they get of you is of a happy confident person - big tick in your first box). Dont volunteer any information unless they specifically ask for it. If they ask why you havent worked, can you not just say that you left your last position due to health reasons, but you are absolutely fine now and you have been looking for a job. A job that you know you would like and to work in a place where you feel you would be happy, because you know if your working in an environment that you are happy in then your boss is going to get the best of you, something along those lines!! (that way your actually giving them a compliment, because turning up for your interview is your way of letting them know you would like to work for them??). An old boss of mine once told me that at an interview there is always a very fine line between appearing interested in wanting the job and looking desperate for the job. You can be interested but can also give an air of "Yeah, I'd like to work here, but I can take it or leave it", don't always appear too keen. If they ask about your reason for leaving your last job due to health reasons, try and think of something before you go in, I doubt very much they will want to contact your GP.. As for Exam Certificates, just tell them they were "mis-placed" a long time ago and you dont know where they are - Im sure there must be a way round this too. (Unless there is somewhere/someone you can contact who will be able to retrieve copies from some archive??
Just go and see how you get on....Im sure you will be fine.

My lovely boy is just fine. He is still working in his job too and is never out of the gym these days. He is 6ft 3" and towers over me and I just love him to bits. He knows the position Im in just now and is doing his best to keep me cheerful. Im very lucky to have him. Please let us know how you get on yeah??.

Speak soon!! XXXXXXXX

Well...What can I say..???

The last few days I have been managing to keep myself busy and have been very positive in my attitude. Today however, I feel really low!! (I actually feel as though I am letting everyone down, including my Mumsnet Friends - so please dont feel you have to reply to this, it does me good to just get things off my chest, and if typing this helps then at least I know Im trying).

Its been over a month and I am feeling really despondent today because I honestly thought I would have had a new job by now...

I dont know if it is just because it is Monday and I am waking up yet again to the prospect of being unemployed for yet another week, or if it is down to the fact that I had a really bad dream last night about my old work place. I cant stop thinking that it is my own fault that I am in this position. And the thing I am most ashamed of is the fact that I am feeling so much anger and (cant believe Im even going to use this word), hatred towards someone who went behind my back to my boss. The fact that she tricked me into believing that she was a "friend" is still really bothering me!! This was not someone I just worked with, we used to go for lunches and have the odd night out too, so I feel as though I am still reeling from this betrayal!! If I could find a way of letting this go then maybe I wouldnt feel so devastated/furious!!. I keep imagining her sitting in the office getting on with her job and not even giving me a second thought and I am sitting here knowing I have done this to myself and completely suffering for it! Why didnt I just face up to her? Why did I allow her to push me out of my job?? I feel so angry today!!

In the space of one month I have registered with 3 different Employment Agencies, had one interview but didnt get the job, have went into 2 places near to where I work, got their e-mail addresses and e-mailed my CV, I have had 3 days experience of temping in an office not far from where I live and on Friday I sent a cover-letter together with a copy of my CV to over 20 different Solicitors in my town and the next town (I went onto Yell and looked up the A to Z of Solicitors and e-mailed all of them). I am still looking every day and applying for everything and anything online that I think I may be able to do and yet I am still here with nothing!!.... I have exhausted every avenue now and dont know what else I am supposed to do!!

I hope I feel better tomorrow....XXX

(If anyone is taking the time to read this, I thank you as I know it is very lengthy!!).

XXX

I will try not to go into a long winded motivational post this time but just want you to know I’m here. I totally get how you’re feeling. I think we all have days like that, I know I do. It’s not your fault sometimes the only way to beat a bully is to get as far away as you can as unfair as that is. Keep going but also give yourself a break and have a breather in between efforts. Do something you enjoy for a bit and try and remember you are a person with a life outside of your job title.

More wishes of good luck your way. Xx

Really grateful for your post!!

I feel better having had a good old cry!! Your right about the "breather" and also I actually never thought of myself as being someone with a life outside my job title, so thanks for that and I will try to remember that as well!! I have done my best for now and maybe I just need to try and be patient and wait it out a bit now..

Thanks for your kindness and support!!

XXXX

PS. Didn't win the Lotto last week but there is always this week. Fingers crossed!! :-) XX

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. Try not to dwell on what happened. I know it's hard though. A good cry will definitely make you feel better. You're doing your best so don't beat yourself up.

I didn't win the Euromillions either. Damn!