should i still be crying about this 3 months on?

[traumatisedatnight]

most nights when i go to bed and switch off the light i am suddenly overcome with feelings of sadness thinking about the birth of my dd. i can't stop thinking about the whole ordeal and the feelings of despair i had when giving birth.
i am normally such a positive and calm person and by day i still am, i talk about the day easily and make jokes about it even. at night i cry. i don't even know why! i don't think it was that bad compared to what some others go through! do others feel this way? i think i'm just dwelling on it sometimes and making myself feel worse but i can't seem to get over it.

best friend had a baby girl in the night! so happy for her, she had a home birth. haven't spoken to her yet but think all is well!
why oh why do i feel sad????? self pity? envy? grrrr! so upset and annoyed with myself! daren't tell anyone i feel like this!
really wish i could see my friend and hug her.
off to a 25th anniversary party today so must pull self together!

because you are sad for the birth you have not experienced, for the experience you feel you should have had with DD

glad you are 'out', nothing to be embarassed about xx

i think if it feels appropriate and if you want to tell her you're a bit envious and you wish you had her birth experience, she'll understand. as i say, vitomum told me that and it wouldn't have crossed my mind to be offended. actually, i was rather pleased as it made me feel lucky. i think that if you've just given birth you are acutely aware of the fact that there are lots of forks in the road and things could turn from 'good' to 'bad' very quickly. i'm not sure anyone feels very in control of things during a birth, so i'm sure she'd understand.
actually, vitomum came to visit me in hospital one night when i'd had no other visitors not even DH(i needed a bit of a break from teh rabble and he was trying to get the house ready) and that was my favourite night in hospital. it was lovely having a bit of a quiet de-brief with someone who knew what i was talking about.

thats nice aitch, you sound like good friends. i've been chewing on this all weekend and i think lulumama is probably right. i just looked at some piccies of my friends baby and now all i feel for her is relief and joy for them. i never disscussed my labour with my friend at all as she is a real worrier and i knew it would scare her. i think that if i had done, if she wasn't expecting herself, it may have helped me get it all out earlier. the other two people in my life that i would have spoken to are dh and my mum but they were both at the birth anyway. feel loads better to have opened up this way since last week and i'm looking forward to getting over it. thankyou in particular aitch for listening and giving me your ongoing support over the last few days.
next step is the debrief on the 10th. i expect i'll update then x

wow! just spoken to my bf - she sounds great (lives hundreds of miles away) talked to her about our labours - hers was 4hrs start to finish! Told her mine she called me a hero! massive positve flashback of dh calling me that the day after I had dd! Had to write this down to re-enforce the whole positivity thing - feels good . Starting my own list of thought and feelings I want to discuss at the debrief - think I know now that the difficulties I experienced were not my fault, just need to hear that from the midwife I guess. No need to respond anyone - its just good to be getting this out.

well i think so cathcart but she's such a weirdy freak that she always completely ignores me on here.... [needy]
glad you feel like you're getting somewhere with all this, best of luck for the 10th.

ooooh, cross-posted. that sounds great, your bf sounds lovely. emphatically not the sort of person who would ignore you on a talkboard...

well, today i had a meeting with the supervisor of midwives and her colleague to debrief on my labour.
thank you to everyone who gave me support and advice here, and as much for giving me the push to do this, as it has helped beyond my expectations!
They talked me through every detail of my notes and, now with a clear head, I can finally see what an amazing thing I did!
The times that I thought things were going wrong or I couldn't do it any longer, I can now see that, actually things were coming along quite nicely - even if dd was taking her time about it! It was not my fault, I was not doing something wrong, or not trying hard enough. Have just had a quiet afternoon taking a walk with dd, just to soak up all that was discussed this morning. When I think about it now, I remember what I was feeling but I don't go back to feeling that way. i just feel proud [ grin]
hope i feel the same when i switch the lights off tonight, somehow i really think i will!

yay! a good nights sleep last night! i dared myself to think of it, which i did , but only positive thoughts!