Feeling very low

[HouseOfHelliot]

I have been on ADs for over a year and have had my dosage put up twice in the past six months. They are for depression adn anxiety. They do work, at least they did work. I have had a very positive year in many resp[ects and have made a lot of necessary changes in my life, and everything seems on a much better footing in everyway, outwardly. I have much to be happy about. But I feel terrible just lately, I am putting weight on very rapidly, am tired all the time and insomniac, am having very black thoughts and moments of fearing that I am going to lose my grip on reality and do something just irrational or odd. I am very uneasy about being around people in case they notice that I am spaced out and not myself. Also something has happened to me three time that has never happened to me before, I have stammered when trying to speak to someone (a friend, not someone who makes me nervous usually) and actually had to start the sentence again and apologise. It was very frightening. I have even been self-harming, in a very non-detectable way. I had a bad panic attack last night too.

I just wanted to write it all down really.

Oh House, you poor thing, you sound at your wits end. Are you getting some help?

Poor you HOH, so sorry you feel this way. I know what its like to be depressed and not seeing a way out. Maybe you should try going back to doctors and explaining to them how you feel, maybe you need someone to talk to one on one?? Sending you big hugs xx

Hi, first of all, I just want you to know that people on here are thinking about you. Secondly, have you had your thiroid and hormone levels checked???? If you were going along quite merrily and this has came on suddenly along with the weight gain I would go and see my gp and get some bloods done. It may be that poor hormone levels have triggered your anxiety again. I am speaking from experience here, I am on long term ad's to deal with depression and anxiety and when I am die my period (which isnt very often as I have pcos) my moods take a drastic nosedive. Please see your gp and get some blood tests done.

Agree with singyswife, friend of mine was putting weight on without doing anything different, turned out hers was a thyroid problem.

I did have thyroid tests and other tests quite a few times in the past and never showed up as anything. My GP is good and would listen, but the waiting list for counselling or CBT is very long. I was offered group therapy but couldn't face ut,I don't have anyone to take care of the children while I even go to the doctor really. It wouldn't be right to come out with all this in front of them.

Where are you????? Is there a childrens centre of some kind in the area that you could go along to. They are normally social work run but arent like social work if you get what I mean. Maybe there is someone on here who could help. If you are near me I would at least be willing to listen. Where are you

I don't really want to say where I live but thanks for asking. There is a family centre here but I know too many people in there and wouldn't feel comfortable. I will be fine, I just wanted to get it all out.

just bumping this because I feel quite lonely today. I made an appointment to see my gp todau but had to ring up and cancel it because dh couldn't cover with the kids.

one last attempt

Hi HOH, have you made another appointment?

you poor thing.
does your dh know how you;re feeling ?

There's no point in seeing the doctor really, it has all been said before and he can't do anything. dh knows and sympathises but he can't hepl me either really, he has to work and I have to get on with things and that's that. I just feel so hollow.

what about some sort of counselling?

It sounds like things are getting worse not better so your AD clearly aren't working. Maybe they need changing or maybe they just aren't enough on thier own.

how are you feeling today HOH?? xx

Thanks for asking how I am. It's been another flat, miserable type day. One of the children has been having problems with defiance and tantrums which I am finding very difficult in my current state. Sometimes I just with they would all go away and leave me alone. But I suppose we all feel like that sometimes. I haven't done anything about seeing the GP because theree really is no point. I know what the situation is with counselling and with ADs because we have talked about it often before, and there isn't any special reason I acn give him for things being worse at the moment. They just are. Unhappiness isn't strictly medical, I suppose.

bumping again before bed

Hi
I sometimes feel like you - defiant children and the sheer repetitiveness of everything. My dh works away a lot and I know that evenings are the hardest for me. Do you have any rational grown ups to talk to? I find that I feel worse when I have no chance to spend grown up time. I think we all need more of that to help us get through the week. I don't get any right now but I'm working on it. Don't suppose you're in Kent??
I just wanted to respond as I know how everything seems worse at night. Hope you are feeling not too bad tonight.

Thank you for responding swedishmum, I don't live in Kent but it helps to unload here. I do have friends in real life but most of them are quite new friends and I don't feel I can show them the depressed and flat side of me. They would run a mile I think. Also lately I find it very difficult to hold conversations when I am feeling bad and end up breaking off mid-sentence and having to start again. I have never stammered before so it is alarming. I do feel awful tonight, I know I won't sleep and have nothing to look forward to tomorrow or the next day, but I know if I sit here self-indulging all night I will just feel worse. There is no good option.

I wonder if there are any other miserable insomniacs around on MN at this time?

sorry to hear things are so difficult at the moment.

I know it feels quite hopeless when you feel that using the usual channels of help like the GP and AD's etc have all been tried and are pointless. Sometimes I think it helps not to think of the pathways of 'help' there are, but to visualise the OUTCOME that you personally want.

What is it you want more than anything?

then it's a case of working backwards and finding the best way you could acheive that outcome.

i just think this might be a way of breaking things down into easier 'chunks' for you. At the moment feeling happy and not needing ADs or help are obviously feeling a long way off, so perhaps working on one outcome that you feel IS acheivable is all you should focus on at the moment?

sending best wishes. sleep well. x

I don't want anything really. I just want to go to sleep and stay asleep. I want to not have a headache. I want not to have this horrible sick dragging feeling in my stomach from the moment I wake up in the morning. It feels as though someone has buried a big iron anchor in my chest and is pulling on it all the time. I want not to have panic attacks for no reason and feel too tired to eat when I haven't done anything all day. Not much else, really.

I'm sorry, that sounded very negative. I am grateful for the companionship and someone to talk to. I just feel terrible.

Message withdrawn

Oh god Please don't out me.