Can I please ask for your experiences of BPD

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi everyone.
Just that really...I’m 29 and have just been diagnosed. I have suffered from lengthy periods of depression and emptiness for about 8 years (since the pregnancy of my first son, i have two children, 7 and 3). This current episode is the worst I have suffered, even though I was previously hospitalised. I feel as though I have no personality left, all that’s there is emptiness, loneliness, with small moments of okayness, when I can be alone or have the space to do something I like. I just want to know it gets better...I’d like to be fun to be around again.

Hi, I can't tell you it gets better, I'm still in the midst of a massive bad patch and it still early days for me.

What can I tell you is that for me it comes in waves and some periods are bad and other periods are good although my happy moments are few and far between but I try to hang onto them.

Do you feel you have extremes of emotions? I often either feel empty or massively overwhelmed or ecstatically happy. There never seems to be a happy medium.

Apparently DBT is really good for BPD. My psychiatrist has just referred me for a group course that's DBT.

I’d like to be fun to be around again.
^^ this really resonates with me. I totally feel the same. I do believe we can get better but it takes lots and lots of baby steps and at times backwards steps. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Youre struggling with a serious illness and it's okay to feel how you do

Do you have anybody irl that can help ground you or reassure you?

Hi Gerd .. thank you for replying.
What has triggered your current episode?
I especially struggle in relationships, I’m with my third bf (previous lasted 3 and 6 years) ... this relationship I’ve been in nearly a year and had offered extreme highs and lows, I think I’m suffering limerence slightly, although I’m very aware currently, not so much in the past, so I can moderate my behaviour so as not to be too over whelming.
Have you suffered such bad episodes that you feel as though your brain has flicked a switch? That you’ll never be the same again? I genuinely hope you start to feel better very soon .

It's shit. Diagnosed almost 4 years now. Lots of very low periods, not many highs, but then I try stop those as I'm so scared of them.
I hate myself, I don't feel I deserve to get better etc.
Mental health services have been shocking if I'm honest and I still feel in the same place as I did when I was diagnosed. No progress at all.
I've been told a certain percentage grow out of it as they get older so that's my hope at the minute.
Hopefully services in your area are good and you get more help than I've been given.

Hi eyeswide. You saying you’re scared of happy moments resonates with me in some
Sense, almost as though I can feel too much, then crash when the moment is gone?? Is that what you mean ? Bpd I think makes us especially vulnerable to absuive relationships, as you just said, you hate yourself, and so any attention can be lapped up, then bad times we feel we deserve.
I internalise things, using things to self harm. I find it difficult to talk sometimes, words are locked in my head and it won’t let me talk. Particularly stressful moments I dissociate, I feel confused, I become paranoid. This episode is so bad, like my personality is gone, as well as my memories, I can’t remember hardly anything, and I don’t even try to recall anymore...I’m 4 months deep into this one.

Regarding the mental health service, I’m so sorry you’re having such a shit time with them, it’s awful. They float In then disappear...are you having DBT? Waiting lists are shit too. I’m very Lucky that my uni (I’m doing a masters, although all my exams have been deferred until summer) are funding private counselling, although she’s not a specialist, at least I have a safe space to talk.

Diagnosed about three years ago. IT GETS BETTER! Xxxx

Appella thank god ! How do you keep yourself in check ?

Honestly, loads of therapy and ensuing self awareness - knowing when I need to stop, say no or check myself. DBT was a life saver.

Coffee Im 28 and got diagnosed in October after a mental breakdown I was put on anti pyscotic and shipped off like that was it. I went down hill very bad so went back to the gp, my gp and psychiatrist have terrible communication but they upped my antidepressant.
I suffer sever mood swings throughout the day, I never know how I'm going to wake up, my anxiety is terrible, iv isolated myself then feel lonely, I get angry at absolutely nothing and flip. I can't sleep or I sleep too much, iv lost my job and have a child to support single handed, so iv got into debt.
Iv had CBT, EMDR, talking therapy, they don't do DBT in my area even privately.
It's shit isn't it, I often wonder if this is it forever because my qualify of life is shit and iv completely lost myself. How do you cope daily and doing a university course?

I'm 26 and just so tired of it all already.

After a year of psychodynamic therapy. I rage less but my depressive lows are still the same.

Hi cmblue and orange...cm I completely understand when you say you’ve lost yourself, I feel as though my personality has been removed, and I have to learn have to socialise, be calm, be a mother, a friend, a girlfriend, a family member all over again, I can’t even remember things anymore. Like I said earlier this is the worst I’ve ever suffered, set off by my current relationship.
I also totally understand isolating yourself, then feeling lonely, I then get angry that I’m lonely. Try to do as much as you can to stay alfloat and keep in touch with friends.
My masters course has been put on hold, I’ve deferred all my exams until the summer and still have three essays I was supposed to finsh three weeks ago.
How do you cope being a parent? I am struggling with that one, I almost can’t stand to be around my children at times. They were at their fathers for Christmas and I completely turned their rooms around and got new beds...then they arrive home and my anxiety increases, my poor beautiful children deserve the world but my brain has fucked off somewhere and left a shell.

I feel I can't socialise either, even going to the shop and dealing with people all together is a struggle.
I struggle being a single parent, if I'm really bad I go into depersonalisation where I feel completely disconnected from my body and the world and my son has to go to my mums, or I have to say I have a bad belly and lie down, I also had a psychotic reaction to sertraline which was scary and I had to ring my mum so I think I still get anxiety over that. Sometimes I find just making his tea overwhelming, I know that sounds stupid but small things like showering stress me out.
It's so hard looking after yourself and your emotions whilst looking after another little human, but trust me your not alone I feel exactly the same.
How often do you see your gp or psychiatrist? Iv had to kick and scream to get help, I was told it gets better with age, but we're in our late 20s how long do we have to wait because living like this is unbearable.

Hi cm, how are you feeling today? Perhaps we could exchange tips for the really bad moments..?
I keep busy, my children and I do something everyday, it’s my coping mechanism. Although my social worker whom I was allocated last month, tells me that avoidant behaviour, however, if it helps me then surely it is a healthy way of dealing with horrendous lows and emptiness. I hear that you get very stressed going out?? So how do you cope day to day? Are you looking for work?

Personally I think it's good you do something good with your children everyday, I wish I could do that.. at the moment I'm trying to just let the different emotions be and wait for them to pass.
I'm not looking for work at the moment everyone is telling me I need to take baby steps to recover but it's been 15 months and starting to piss me off. Ye I struggle with anxiety and that's hard because iv lived and been independent since I was 19 now I feel iv gone backwards in my life.
How do you cope with being low? Have you tried any therapy? Iv told my closest friends my diagnosis but I still think theres a massive stigma attached to mental health.
Is your partner understanding?

Yes the more I think about the social workers comments the angrier I get !
Do you have a social worker? I’ve heard DBT can be really good, it’s totally shameful that it isn’t offered in your area, I’m so sorry. Can you speak with your gp and find out if it is offered in a neighboring county ? Could you travel?
I only suggested the work thing because I’m
Hopeful that it will make me feel better, but if you’re not ready. If people have been on at you I can imagine you don’t feel very understood. What do you think would help?
I haven’t started any NHS therapy , but I’m very lucky in that my uni are funding counselling for me, she’s not bpd specialist or DBT trained but I can complain for an hour ! I’m on the waiting list for DBT and complex trauma, which I think both are around a years waiting then a years treatment.
My relationship triggered my current episode. It’s been incredibly intense, and because of my mh I can easily excuse situations or be treated badly as I’m grateful for love and feel everything is my fault, I shouldn’t have taken it that way, I shouldn’t have said that, I did this so that caused him to do that.
I just want to be confident, normal, know who the hell I am!
Are you in a relationship?

I had EMDR therapy for complex ptsd trauma aswell but I'm lucky my mum paid for it privately, no my gp had no answers when I asked for DBT or BPD councilling, iv literally cried out for help but feel nobody knows what to do with me.
Losing my job hit me hard, if it wasn't for the anxiety id go for a part time job , iv been offered a place in September for access to nursing course but feel something will fuck up, I know it's bad but I'm so negative in thinking. They didn't assign me a social worker even when I was under a crisis team and had suicidal thoughts, how do you find the social workers??
I'm struggling with losing my confidence, I just want to go back with me.
Iv been single for 8 years, I couldn't hold down a relationship I'm completely damaged!!
Have you read any bpd self help books?? I feel they help understanding BPD.
Do you find anything helps??
What symptoms are your worse?
What's your support network like?

Hi cm, I can’t believe you’re having such a hard time getting help, I wonder if someone with a physical illness would be treated in the same way.
Go for the access course ! You can do it, and once your in uni, you will be In a sense looked after, you will have access to a mental health officer, and then counselling if necessary. Not to mention your future prospects. I think someone with your insight would be valued.
I wasn’t assigned a social worker when I was hospitalised, but this time round I think I was listened to by a good gp and health visitor, I told them the truth, that I felt I didn’t like my children. And I think h/v thought I needed more support than she could offer. My social worker is nice enough, although she’s thrown out the avoidant label and ambivalent attachment label...I did some child psychology in uni and now how ambivalent attachment can damage or impair development, so she did me no favours there. I feel as though they have a criteria for a good parent and it’s a streamlined box, and I don’t quite fit it because I’m not feeling well and I take my children out everyday!
I thought I’d say if you’ve been single 8 years you’ve done something awesome, you’ve managed to learn to be alone...I have not mastered that.

@Coffee-The first boy I fell in love with 2 years ago was a complete mind f* and really triggered me. My second year of university was just complete ups and downs dictated by him. He really broke my heart but he's my never again.I have a history of trauma, bulling at school and a lot of emotional abuse at home- so I had virtually no self esteem or worth. I let him treat me like that as I thought that's all I deserved. But love alone is not enough if you are NOT being respected. You deserve better than having to make excuses and believing in potential that he is not showing.

Relationships are trouble for me as well-I burnt my 3-year friendship with my 4 old best friends in may and it still hurts right now.The only person I have at the moment is my therapist who I'm currently having a rupture on the first day he came back from his holiday. I also have my brother but he has exams at the moment too so not talking to him for 2 weeks at a time is common.

I've read I hate you: don't leave me and I've watched the documentry "back from the edge" on youtube which was really good. I have a DBT skills workbook but I haven't gone through all of it yet. The body keeps score I haven't finished.

Since my birthday in september I really have deep urges to have a child- but I tend to get suicidal thoughts just before my period each month. I'm scared pregnancy will trigger me not though I'm anywhere near that stage yet.

The worst thing for me is the depressive episodes- they seem to last for months at a time with only a few days easing up and when it does life is literally beautiful. I don't have this heaviness on me and I can feel the difference.Everything is just easier.

Do you guys take time out for yourself each day?

Self care and self love is my main focus this year. I would recommend Kamal Ravikants Love yourself like your life depended on it. I'm not fully there yet.

Currently getting dumped for a nye break down when I was drunk that j don't remember. He won't talk to me. I have been stable for so long and this has totally floored me. HELP

Do you have any friends you also went out with to ask about your behavior? Everyone gets drunk at some point but I think he's just looking for any old excuse.

Right now your priority is you.Make sure your safe and take it an hour at a time if you have to. How long were you been together for?

Orange - thank you so much for mentioning books and the YouTube film, I will look into them. You’re right about the relationship, thank you for saying that.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friends...do you think you could reconcile? They clearly mean a lot to you, could you get in touch, and do they know you have bpd?
The baby - it’s really good you recognise that pregnancy might trigger your symptoms...for me my pregnancies resulted in huge depressive lows, second time I was admitted to hospital. And now my children are incredibly hard work for me, because they are so young and both boys, there’s a lot of noise which I hate ! But I am quite lucky with them, they are fairly well behaved and for some reason, even though I can be an absolute stressy wanker at times, they seem to adore me! I understand that urge to have unconditional love. How old are you?
Self care is so important, I’m going to try and do a far better job of it this year. Physical movement is also hugely important to me, I’m going to look into joining a team of some sort if I can arrange a time. Sleep and eating well.

Appella - that’s quite cruel that he won’t talk to you about it as you don’t remember what happened so haven’t really got an opportunity to apologise, especially as you’ve been stable for so long. Like orange said , people get drunk and make a mess all the time

I'm 26.In my third year of my second degree and have an exam in 9 days. Studying has been slow. And I just woke up from a 2.3 hour nap because I feel so drained.

I started distancing from them after an incident at a cafe. I came back just feeling hurt and rejected by 2 of them. I promised myself that I wouldn't need someone like again. It was also another friend M cancelling on me three times in a row yet throwing a party for someone we barely knew. I realized that it was me taking the initiative. I started say no to things I didn't want to do and just putting myself first. The days turned into weeks and it literally was 7 months that we hadn't spoken. With M It wasn't a relationship I was actually happy in. I met up with one of them in and another in november but I december and both just unsettled me. It feels like we're different people now and there's no force that can make it feel right. I'm trying to just let it be and move on. It hurts now but in a year I won't. My closest friends at the moment are people I've met on a therapy forum.

There are many jogging groups available in local parks you could try or maybe just start small with walking.

Do you journal?

Orange how do you find managing your degree, I'm hoping to start my access to nursing but am really worried, in my first degree I was 19 I hadn't been diagnosed with BPD and was more myself.
I totally understand your situation with your friends, do you miss their company? I now only have 3 close friends because I pissed the rest off my friends off as I say whatever in my mind without thinking, but your real friends forgive you and accept you, warts and all, do you feel they accept you for who you are?

After years i finally got a GP who listened to me and heard me when i said i dont believe it is typical depression i am dealing with. AD's never worked for me. They would make me what i describe as manic.
I was convinced i was bipolar. GP sent me to a psychiatrist who suspects BPD. I was sent on my merry way with lamotrigine.

I was fine for a while, found myself start a relationship. Then i sank again. Worse than previous times. I can only think the relationship triggered it.

I struggle socially, with constant anxiety. I have been on the sick for 3 months due to the relationship triggering. Funnily enough, the relationship has now ended and i feel myself levelling out a bit.
I am praying that there is someone out there who will not trigger me, but make me feel even more leveled.

It is a sad and lonely condition. The push and pull is the hardest to deal with i find because although at the time i am ok with it - the people i push and pull dont have the understanding or patience to deal with it. Understandably