Can I please ask for your experiences of BPD

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi everyone.
Just that really...I’m 29 and have just been diagnosed. I have suffered from lengthy periods of depression and emptiness for about 8 years (since the pregnancy of my first son, i have two children, 7 and 3). This current episode is the worst I have suffered, even though I was previously hospitalised. I feel as though I have no personality left, all that’s there is emptiness, loneliness, with small moments of okayness, when I can be alone or have the space to do something I like. I just want to know it gets better...I’d like to be fun to be around again.

I'm in a really bad place with my BPD at the moment. It's hard when you know you're being an irrational, unbearable bitch and acting out but I feel completely out of control when a feeling or emotion takes hold... and I wonder why people keep leaving. It's just exhausting.

I'm so sick of waiting lists. The local mental health team dicked me over and now I'm back at square one after making the decision to finally get professional help and it feels like an uphill battle to get better. It's hard enough fighting the disorder without having to fight the mental health system too.

Sorry, bit of a rant but it's been a bit of a long day!

Orange - I understand how the breakdown of your friendships must make you feel low and lonely, but doesn’t sound too healthy for you anyway, so perhaps a blessing in disguise?? If you’re struggling with exams, will you apply for extenuating circumstances? I’ve been granted for all the exams and essays over Christmas, but I’m starting tri 2 literally ten weeks behind 🙈. I will defiantly look into running groups.
Cm - you should go for the access course !
Nct- what was it about the relationship that triggered you? This worse episode I’m currently in has been triggered by my unhealthy relationship which is centred around sex and his fantasies for me to sleep with others...I know it is toxic and disrespectful, but he shows me morsels of love, and I think I’m addicted to him, limerence perhaps. Like you I really hope to find someone with patience and understanding and get the stability that I crave...however, I’m impulsive at times and thrill seek, I’ve cheated in the past, and I’d really like to not do it again. This relationship provides enough anxiety for me not to look for thrills with others, I drive a bit recklessly at times instead. But please, I really don’t want to be this way and I really don’t want to hurt anyone, so please don’t judge. I’m glad you are levelling out now thank god...I really hope you to continue to feel better.
Starfish - mental health is a fucking shambles, cm doesn’t have DBT offered anywhere near her. I was given a diagnosis then sent on my merry way. My CPN has fallen off the radar. Keep kicking and screaming, keep visiting your GP if necessary. I’m on the waiting list for complex trauma and DBT but both are over a year before I’m seen.

He has sent me one nasty message, and I've told him I'll leave him alone til Sunday. If he still refuses to speak I will end it. If I can find the strength. This has thrown me off massively and I haven't been able to eat for days. I just want him back but I know him treating me badly is just an indicator of pain he would probably cause me in the future

So has he still not told you what you’ve apparently done? You must eat and look after yourself, remember this Will pass, you will feel better. You’re important and need to make sure you take care of yourself

I'm trying I just have no appetite and was sick this morning :( he hasn't said anything to me except he doesn't wanna talk right now.

Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt but I’m not sure whether you mean Bi polar disorder or borderline personality disorder. A relative may be diagnosed with the latter and I don’t know much about it but don’t know if this is a helpful thread for me or not.

What triggered me in my relationship was stupid lies. Lies that then made me question everything. It messed with my head far too much.

They were such stupid lies there was actually no need to lie about it at all, but i think that made matters even worse for me. I couldnt believe a single word that was said.
Yet everything else waa great, which is what made it so difficult. Trying to ignore the lies since they were so stupid in the hopes everything else would outweigh the negativity i felt. Only it didnt so i ended it.

I wont judge. We all have our impulsive side. Especially those with bpd. I impulsively buy animals, along with spending money on things i dont need, want or can afford.
The pets are a difficult one as i think thst impulsion forces me to focus my mind on the animal, which forces me to ignore whatever trauma my head is trying to face at the time. It all leads to more stress and responsibility which eventually wears on me when i dip.
I am an animal lover though so keep plodding on with them. Thankfully i cant go out alone and family refuse to take me to pet shops now haha

Appella is he playing mind games? I’d tell you what you’d apparently done. This would hit anyone hard, having bpd makes it worse...is he usually understanding ?
Nct- how did you feel after you’ve ended it? My two previous relationships turned similar, other areas can be great but once something has happened then you discredit them, then I usually have turmoil and conflict in my head over it, both times it took me years to build up the confidence to leave.or maybe not th confidence, but I then end up being really unwell then I leave convinced he’s an asshole.
Bean - we’re talking about borderline personality disorder

I felt relieved when i ended it tbh.
Guilt a little, incase i wasnt thinking clearly.
Only his behaviour afterwards, being nice, manipulative and nasty showed me that i had made a lucky escape and the chances the lies were the possible start of gaslighting.
A huge positive for me when it comes to relationships if that was the case as i usually try and hold on a lot longer due to lack of confidence.
How did you feel when it ended?

No idea, i think he doesn't know how to respond to conflict or anger other than stonewalling. Which leaves me powerless.

Apella - please try and use this time away from him to gather your strength. You know this stonewalling is not a good sign and is a strong indicator as to what will be in store for you in the future if you carry on with this relationship.
I understand how difficult it can be to make that break when you are conflicted by your own thoughts, but you need to try and remind yourself of your worth.
Whether this is him not knowing how to deal with conflict or not - it is no good for your mental health. It is not a healthy setting in any relationship. Stonewalling is like a form of torture for anyone, nevermind someone with BPD. You do not deserve that. You are worth so much more than that.

You are not powerless. You are strong and you can do what is right for you

I know - I'm trying hard to gather that strength to say no more. I know staying will lead me to further hurt in future, but it's so hard when you love someone and they are wonderful the rest of the time. That said, I can't see him coming back from this amount of silence and not ending thingsS

Hi ladies may I join in ? I too am in a really bad low . I have zero energy and have to force myself to even take a shower . My husband doesn't understand and I feel sorry for my kids as I'm no fun to be around and often have to go for a lie down in the afternoon whilst they just play . I am currently doing an access to nursing course which is brilliant but very very hard work . Iv been offered a place at university in September to start my nurse training and I am happy about this . I seem to do better when I have something to do and have to get out the house for .i donfind it difficult to socialise with friends though and often make excuses to not meet up . It's such a shit existence. I have a brilliant cpn and phychiatrist and I attend an emotional deregulation group every week. I used to be so full of life and looked forward to living life , now I look forward to nothing ? It's so awful . I used to be a complete neat/clean freak in my house and even that's took a back seat lately . I do the basics like Hoover , bleach the kitchen and bathrooms , strip the beds but I'm definitely not as thorough as I used to be and it's because I just can't be arsed . I have zero energy and I know this sounds weird but I even get physical aches and pains in my legs and arms ? Do any of you get real aches and pains ?

Yy - achy and i find myself more breathless from moving seem like such hard work. Its as though my body has jumped from a 30yo to 70yo.
I feel the same with the kids and house. Although i cant even do the basics tbh.

Appella - write a pro and cons list about your relationship with him. Maybe you will see it ina different light when it is all down on paper

Farmers wife, I feel exactly the same, my whole body aches and it feels like I'm walking through treacle, I'm feeling low at the moment and just showering seems like a massive task, I lost my job so have loads of time to do jobs around the house but it seems so overwhelming. I get serious anxiety when I'm around my friends or if I take my son out so I too feel like a shit mum, I keep waiting every morning to just wake up feeling but it never happens and I know I have to face another day of hell.
Well done on your university place, you should be proud, have you explained your feelings to your husband??

Does anyone else also suffer serious anxiety issues with BPD???

I find anxiety is my biggest issue. I struggle with almost everything because of it. It sucks

Iv been off college for the xmas and Iv felt so so low . I can't wait to get back to normality Monday when college re opens .iv managed so far to get all assignments in but it's a tough course that requires a certain degree of dedication and commitment. I went for my university interview and less than a week later got offered a place to start my nurse training in September . I had worked for the NHS for 16 years and had lots and lots of valuable experience which im sure is what got me through the interview. I haven't worked for over a year tho as I quit when I had my 4 th baby and my dad got diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour (sadly he passed away ten months after diagnosis) . I have had a shit 3 years and left my husband twice because of his controlling parents , Iv lost my dad , my beloved dog died and my eldest daughter was seriously ill in July and was in intensive care with a ruptured bowel and we were told she may die as she got sepsis and was severely ill , I also was sectioned after a serious suicide attempt . I was on auto pilot and I finally feel like it's all hitting home now . I hate feeling this way and today Iv agreed to meet a dear friend who has been amazing with me through all my many troubles but I literally feel like I don't even want to face her . I will go though as she is an amazing friend and I know il feel better afterwards for going .

I get terrible anxiety cmblue . I take sertreline but don't think it's helping . My phychiatrist wanted me to try quietipene but when I read how it makes people feel I was unsure ? It seems to make a lot of people just feel nothing ? Do any of you take quetiapine ?

Anyone around ?

Wow farmerswife you've been through hell of a lot more than most people through in any life time, no wonder you feel the way you do but your being so positive in your course, iv been accepted to do my access to nursing after losing my job after working 5 years in care but my anxiety and mood swings are making me scared to do it, i go into depersonalisation if I have repetitive panic attacks.
I take mirtazapine, pregablin and onlazapine which is similar to quetapine as their both anti pyscotics, I find it helps with sleep, sleep paralysis and nightmares, you could always give it a go and if you feel it's not working after 6 weeks try something else.
I literally have to kick up such a fuss to get help, they just chuck me on meds and say see you in 6 months it's ridiculous.

@Nctothisfornow I'm exactly the same it started 7 years ago then nothing until last October where's it's impacted my whole life and everything I do, what symptoms do you get??

My thoughts take over. I get anxiety sweats, palpatations, internal shakes, migraines, muscle aches and pains, isolation and cant think of anything else but chances are there is more.
Because of these i struggle with going out without another adult im comfortable with. This has an imapct on my children, as well.
I havent even been able to go to work the past few months due to the heightened anxiety of leaving the house etc.
With work the anxiety focuses around my clothing and being around people, along with leaving the house.

This has been ongoing since i was age 10/11. I am now 30

I used to take quetiapine. Helped a lot but made me fat!

Farmerswife - have you tried adding the likes of buspirone or propanolol to your sertraline?
Buspirone is really good for anxiety and it helped me a lot. I was taking that with lamotrigine.