Can I please ask for your experiences of BPD

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi everyone.
Just that really...I’m 29 and have just been diagnosed. I have suffered from lengthy periods of depression and emptiness for about 8 years (since the pregnancy of my first son, i have two children, 7 and 3). This current episode is the worst I have suffered, even though I was previously hospitalised. I feel as though I have no personality left, all that’s there is emptiness, loneliness, with small moments of okayness, when I can be alone or have the space to do something I like. I just want to know it gets better...I’d like to be fun to be around again.

No Iv not tried those nct. I did however try mirtazapine and it wiped me out like a zombie . I had double vision and felt out of it . I only took one dose and have never dared try it again . I wish there was a magic pill that could get me back to the fun loving , loving life , confident person I once was ! I'm a shadow of myself and I hate being this way .

Hi not read trft but my OH was diagnosed with BPD around 7 years ago and had been on AD for a long time before that. She has been managed on medication and a very brief series of counselling sessions. She's been stable for at least 4 years now.

The best thing aside from finding the correct dose of mood stabilisers is dropping down to part time and a very understanding employer. She has been incredibly lucky in that regard.

As a couple we recognise that part time is most she can manage which does put pressure on me to be the main earner but her being healthy is the main thing.

She did go through a period of feeling very flat in that she was neither depressed nor manic just 'stable' but it's a improvement on mood swings.

Just wanted to add a positive story.

I'm 48 and I've pretty much grown out of it - or grown myself out of it - although I'm not sure I'll ever be in a relationship again and I do suffer from anxiety. I do also get triggered by a whole load of stuff still but I get what's happening and I can manage it.

Things that helped me: exercise, yoga, meditation (I like the Buddhist stuff though I'm not a Buddhist), stopping drinking, being a parent (I am surprisingly good at this, I never wanted children when I was younger because I thought I'd fuck them up too but I think my experiences have made me a better parent than I would have been otherwise), hanging out with people who are chilled and have good emotional regulation - in fact I'd go as far as saying this is the most important thing, and reading psychology / self help voraciously and particularly understanding what was happening physiologically in my brain. I've had bits of therapy but I'm not sure this was as helpful as other stuff.

I read a study that said most people (I think) grew out of it in the 10 years between the start and end of the study. For me the feelings are still there but I no longer need to act on them.

I was diagnosed 6 years ago. After trying and failing on medications (now I don't take anything), having zero contact with people who trigger me and ALOT of self awareness, I am now happy, healthy and moving on.
6 years after I was sectioned, I will be marrying the perfect man.
It not only gets better but if you truly love yourself you will start a new chapter.

I promise that if you learn to understand yourself, accept yourself and love yourself, today will be a distant memory.

I am only 27 by the way and FINALLY at university!!

It's good that it's being recognised now, in my teens and twenties I think they thought it was incurable and/or it just wasn't considered. I was at the same time too ill (we won't treat you unless you stop self harming) and too well (you hold down a job so what's the problem?) for treatment, and the only people I knew with a diagnosis were the homeless people I worked with, it didn't occur to me that it was what I had and I always felt it was my fault for not being able to think my way out of it, not understand it was programmed in the neural pathways of my brain. I know treatment is still pretty crap but at least there's more self help stuff out there and the knowledge you can get better.

@Cmblue and coffee - My first degree was in England, I'm currently studying in Europe at the moment and I really feel there is a huge difference in that it's less supportive and the attitude is just here's the stuff get on with it. In England our university arranged mock exams,had student helpers, and I got extra time. We had counselors who I knew were available but I was in denial about my abuse. My current university doesn't have a counselling service. I see a private therapist.Re studying I'm just doing what I can. I have to take it slow but I still get tired a lot.I've been feeling burnt out since the middle of november and feel like going home for Christmas wasn't good for me.

Go for the degree!

I really did love them, and I will admit the way things ended does make me sad. I felt with them it was a case of I'm not trying hard enough to get better. Comments like I should see a psychiatrist in England I wouldn't get better here. To be honest at time I'd already seen 3 and I wasn't impressed. I did cave in and when I did pay to see a british doctor the session was for an hour and 30 mins- but I found it pointless to just be told that I had major depressive depression, something I already knew. and at that point I'd already started therapy and for me that's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't feel like I could talk to them about the abuse or what even came up. I just see it as people come and go I just had to let go of trying to hold on to something that wasn't there anymore.

It's nice to read the positive stories.I feel being diagnosed personally was helpful. I always just used to think that it was me that I was just too sensitive and felt everything too strongly.

Congrats Dress!!!!

Orange you sound like you have no support at all, have you any close friends or family you can confide in???
I do push my friends away but I'm lucky my closest ones understand, as for emotional support my mum is practical she helps with my son and assists me to appointments but after my diagnosis she told me... "I thought I knew you but I don't"I can't confide in her and I feel she thinks I want to be this way!
Who the fuck in their right mind would want to live like this!! Qualify of life is shit, the mood swings and depression are horrific it's so hard to get out of bed!!
I'm glad there are positive stories out there, I'm just struggling very much at the moment.

I've always found it difficult to talk to people who don't have some sort of experience of trauma or mental health conditions, it can be like talking a completely different language. I have one friend who is never depressed so why should anyone else be, and another who constantly forgets how bad my childhood was as if maybe I was making it all up! Then there are all the "attention seeking" comments from the past and the general shame of generally being weird / angry / hard work / getting triggered and freaking out about random shit. It can be quite an isolating illness. I still sometimes freak out about random shit, but I think if I told most of my friends now I had BPD they'd be shocked / disbelieving, so it's still quite isolating because despite being "better" I still feel different.

You really have summed up my feelings here gerbil. I've only been diagnosed in the last few months but my behaviour was much more typical of BPD and symptoms much more severe when I was in my early 20s, I just never really knew why. I've grown out of a lot of the reckless behaviour that I was engaging in and am happily married, in a stable job etc and am generally pretty happy (albeit I've been struggling with PTSD and anxiety over the last year or so). The BPD does still effect me in more subtle ways although I've learnt a lot of coping techniques over the years and I've sort of come to terms with why it makes me behave in certain ways.

Guys I’m sorry I’ve been away, my children have been a massive amount of work, and I’ve been so stressed, I fear I am fucking them up now.
Tonight I rang my bf after a non stop day and my opening line was “I’ve got uni work to get on with” and that really annoyed him as I set the tone for the conversation and annoying him, just that one little thing, has caused me a huge breakdown and felt suicidal and s/h, too many thoughts in my head to talk, including losing my temper with my children...I’m empty again now. I met with my friend and her son today and we took children to softplay, and mine weren’t very well behaved and I couldn’t stop apologising to the point that my friend felt worried about me because “they’re just children”

Today has been a shit day ! My dh just does not understand and if I'm honest I'm pretty certain he is the reason I am this way ! It's his way or no way and I'm starting to see just how much he has manipulated me and controlled me for the past 20years ( been together since I was 16) . He however constantly tells me it's me that's crazy but he is starting to trip himself up . For example - tonight he told me I was not to use my phone to watch a tv programme as apparently it's anti social and I spend to much time on my phone . So I watch his boring shitty programme and he is fast asleep in sofa ten mins in ? He hates me using my phone and has banned me from all social media and he has now started saying mumsnet is a cult ? I'm waiting for the day he tells me I'm no longer to use mumsnet . Basically he hates me being around people who question his behaviour . It's so funny how he tells me I should watch to with him rather than use my phone but yet he sees it ok to fall asleep ten mins into a programme he has forces me to watch ? I mean wtf ??

Go easy on yourself coffee no body is a saint and I'm sorry your struggling so much right now.

Him being annoyed is not your fault. How are you feeling right now?

Someone very helpfully said to me when I said I was surprised my DD has turned out so well bearing in mind I was such a fuck up that it was because despite things being a bit stormy at times I had made a strong bond with her and helped her manage her emotions and understood her and been there for her. A big turning point for me was reading the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and that massively changed how I parented. Basically it's clearly not great for kids to have a parent with a mental health problem, but if you can manage to give them a secure attachment to you then they can weather other things - after all life is never going to be plain sailing. You might also want to think about who else they can develop strong relationships with too as that will also help them. I've always made sure if I've lost my temper or got upset that I apologise to DD and make sure she knows it's not her fault.

Sorry about all the other stuff. I know the feeling of being stressed out and pushing people away, it's hard.

One of the things that has helped me stop self harming is the recognition that I'm having a flashback and it's a feeling from the past and not really a reaction to what's happening now. I know that probably sounds really simplistic, but it's been really powerful for me to be able to feel the trigger but draw a line and not to react in the way I'm conditioned.

@cmblue- Your diagnosis isn't your fault and that comment would have upset me. I only really just have my therapist at this point. My parent's only want to see me when I'm happy and even then it's just to talk about stupidly superficial stuff like what I had for lunch. My mum doesn't understand therapy and thinks I'm just wasting money and like not something that I need. I've dropped from 2 sessions a week to one due to my schedule and that's been hard enough- comments like "I should go once a month" ," I should stop you know what like I'm buying crack from a drug dealer irritates me. They weren't really there for me so I don't expect them to be there now.

My mood was very up and down yesterday. In the morning I reached a intense crazy happy peak and everything was beautiful. I get like that sometimes. I sent my therapist an email which included the fact that that I loved him and other stupid ramblings. The peak gradually vanished after an hour and I was crying and just so very tired by the end of 4pm. I couldn't study and just collapsed in bed and stayed there for the rest of the night.

Orange that sounds really hard, especially as therapy is suppose to be the main point of call for BPD, do you think your relationship with your parents has contributed to your BPD??

Coffee how are you feeling today?? We all feel the same or act that way with our children but you are not fucking them up, our diagnosis just means we beat ourselves up constantly about everything, That's my worse fear is my son picks up on my mood swings and doesn't love.... which as a result leaves me thinking about suicide because I don't want to mess him up.

Farmers wife your situation also sounds like you have no support!!!how are you today? Do you think he's controlling over everything?

My dh does support me where he can but he finds it hard dealing with my mood changes and often will say " just smile and be happy " , "come on you need to help yourself " etc etc it's really unhelpful stuff he says but we have a relate counsellor now and I'm going to address this in our next session . How is everyone ? I'm going out now to look for a new mattress and get 2/4 kids school shoes . I'm painting on a smile and pretending to be happy and up beat around dh but really I can't be arsed to go . Not going will only result in an argument so il have to just pretend I'm ok . How's everyone else ?

@Farmerswife- i'm sorry things are tough with your husband. The comments about controlling and manipulation would raise flags for me. How old are your children?

@cm- I personally know the way I grew up definitely contributed to the development of my bpd. In therapy we've worked with the concepts of fragments which might sound strange- but I feel as if there are 3 versions of me 2 of which are children aged 4 and 7. Our mother would beat us- and I can still remember the shock of being slapped for the first time because it was so unexpected. We grew up watching my father beat my mother whilst my brother and I cried begging him to stop over and over again, but she would never leave. She stayed for us. I had bad anxiety from the age of 7 and would cry daily in school at lunch times and had my first panic attack from the age of 9. Whilst my brother and I are relatively highly functioning and look good academically on paper our inner worlds are chaotic. He has an eating disorder and severe depression too.

I guess I just never really felt safe at home- everything could trigger our dad and we walked on egg shells consistently. I learnt to suppress my feelings whilst I was called a bitch, a whore or a prostitute. I was told that I was no good so many times I believed it. It just makes me angry because I feel like all of this pain we went through could have been avoided if they only just loved us properly.

Going through a break up right now. Struggling doesn't even cover it. I don't think people understand how much worse it is when you have attachment issues and overinvest. I feel like I'm piling all the need to my friends and while at first they were giving and understanding they're all pulling away again. I get it, they have their own lives. I need to learn to regulate my own happiness.

Orange that's pretty much my own story too. I was self harming probably as a five or six year old, and I had problems controlling my emotions, which my abusive father caused then was contemptuous of me for. He was abused as well. I do blame my mum a bit as well for not protecting us and leaving. I felt very alone, whereas one of the things that can protect children from the effects of trauma is a strong relationship with another adult. Although I've mostly got it under control now I had many years of self harm and substance misuse and stormy relationships and I am starting to get health problems that I think are linked. I'm a good parent and I have friends but I feel isolated and I feel the life I could have had has been stolen from me, and now I can no longer rely on good health. I had counselling for a bit but I can't afford to carry on, and what's in the NHS is inadequate. I'm nervous about low cost counselling just because of previous experience with misconceptions and lack of knowledge about BPD. It's a lot to come to terms with though. I'm sorry there are others going through it

Appella how are you feeling this morning ? I started this thread being able to listen and contribute and now my heads a big jumble.
Dp came to visit me last night for the first time in months, I usually go to him.
The night before I had s/h over a negative conversation we had, I only told him about this because he wanted to know, else I wouldn’t have.
His thing is me sleeping with other guys, be that on my own or is together. He registered on a swinging site. He wanted a guy to come to mine last night...firstly I said that’d be hot, playing along to try and be spunky whilst panicking! Then I messaged him saying no, no way whilst my son is at home,I’d got carried away and momentarily forgotten...then my son said he felt sick so I told dp not to come round...then I put son to bed and phoned dp and he was nearly at mine. So already a jumbled mess.
He’s messaging tree other guys talking about sex with me when he arrives. He wanted to video phone one, and he wanted him round. He gave this stranger my postcode and house number and he en route. I can play along to these things, but I told him I didn’t like that and to cancel him coming and I wasn’t happy about this man having my postcode. We were “making love” whilst all this was happening. There is something else, but I don’t think I should mention in case of triggers. I felt totally disrespected...but really I have no right because I kind of play along, although if you were watching I think you could tell I was upset. Then we sat and ate food. And he took the piss out of my mood swings. I feel I can’t speak up because I discredit myself

Coffee why are you with this man? Sounds like a relationship I had in my 20s. I think it's easy to blame ourselves because our behaviour feels fucked up too, but now looking back I clearly see he was sexually and emotionally abusive and when I left him it sent me spiralling to a very low place. Like you I used to go along with things that I hated, sometimes whilst actually crying. But you have the right to say no - this can't be good for you. It can feel scary being on your own but it's much much worse to be with someone who oversteps your boundaries and makes you feel like shit.

Hi gerbil... I’ve gone to leave several times,he is sexually and emotionally abusing me. He’s put ads up of me when I told him not to, he gave this guy my postcode when I told him not to, he registered on swinging sites without talking to me about it. But I’m afraid to leave because of the downward spiral you metioned...how did you get through it?
And yes, I always blame myself, and he always tells me “I always been consistent” and even that makes me feel shit. I go along with it because I want to please him, but I feel a bit shit, so often end up saying the wrong thing, then he gets annoyed...was that similar ?

I won’t go into detail because as I said I’m wary of triggering ... but I said no repeadtly to something last night, and he did it anyway, I think he must have thought that I was just playing

Coffee, what's he's doing and done to you sounds like it was illegal. I get that you may not want to go to the police but the fact that you have BPD gives him absolutely no right to treat you like this. I've been in similar situations and I can honestly say that my BPD was a lot easier to manage without it. It can be scary being on your own but I took a year off from all kinds of relationships just to get my head straight (and contrary to what I thought, it wasn't as hard as I was expecting. There were a few rough moment but nothing more than that) and that made such a difference to my behaviour and enabled me to have a happy and functional relationship for the first time in my life. Take care of yourself and, if you can, get out of this situation. You are worth so much more than this.