Can I please ask for your experiences of BPD

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi everyone.
Just that really...I’m 29 and have just been diagnosed. I have suffered from lengthy periods of depression and emptiness for about 8 years (since the pregnancy of my first son, i have two children, 7 and 3). This current episode is the worst I have suffered, even though I was previously hospitalised. I feel as though I have no personality left, all that’s there is emptiness, loneliness, with small moments of okayness, when I can be alone or have the space to do something I like. I just want to know it gets better...I’d like to be fun to be around again.

Coffee- deep down you know he's not right for you. I know it's easier said than done, but don't let him back in.He can't even accept what he's done. He's just flipping it around and turning it back to you. You made him upset but what about what he did to you? None of that was okay. There's no point in trying to explain things to him. There's this maya Angelou quote that goes "when people show you who they are believe them". He already has. If you had a daughter would you be okay with this for her? Abuse always escalates. Going no contact even for a few days will give you space and time to clear your head.

Maybe you could order the books online from amazon?

Try to go easy on yourself. Hoping you have a better day today and I'm glad you've got your grandmother to help.

Coffee the morning routine with kids in the morning is always a fucker, BPD symptoms are worse in the morning, apparently it's something to do with the hormone cortisol being higher in the morning is so your definitely not alone there, I always feel my lowest in the morning and tea time.
With the stress of uni too, no wonder you feel a mess, I hope you feel a little peace at some point of today.

I have DS who does not sleep through yet

That's amazing about the physical and emotional pain receptors. I had heard that paracetamol can help with a shitty day emotionally but hadn't put two and two together as to why it works.

I did go on prozac for a while, in my darkest days. I think about 6 months in the end. I had always resisted medication despite "self medicating" with cannabis, alcohol, sugar and caffeine. After a time the cannabis stopped helping and became the cause of psychotic episodes, so I was forced to stop. No one knew by the way, I lied and lied my way out of everything. Coming off cannabis was the worst experience of my life. The psychosis was terrifying and I had nothing to medicate the pain away (alcohol had never worked for me just made things 10x worse). At this point I had dropped out of uni and was back living at my mum's. She got me signed on and took me to the gp. They prescribed me the prozac and I thought well what's the worst that could happen?

Despite it all I do credit Prozac as helping my recovery. It gave me those months where the noise in my head and the agony in my chest was lessened. It was like the volume was turned down on it all. It was very strange and I felt "not myself" but by that point I'd had the "who is this myself that I can't live with" revelation anyway so I didn't much care that I wasn't "myself", I didn't want to be that person any more. Having come across the concept of self medicating I'd also recognised that's what I'd been doing with other substances anyway, so why not take something designed for it.

Those months were a real experience that I could draw upon in terms of what life could be like without the constant emotional pain.

Have you ever tried any anti depressants or similar Coffee?

How are you doing Coffee?

Hi everyone, how are you all?
Remain do you work night shift 😂?! You’ve really been through a lot, you should be so proud about getting through it all.
Thank you so much all of you, reading your posts has really helped me feel less lonely.
Do any of you suffer from a slightly warped perception of reality ? Or it can at least feel that way?
Bf and I have fallen out last three nights. Last night was because he gets very frustrated, says he loves and fancies me so much that he really prefers to “sort himself out” with me talking to him and being involved...this is ongoing, nearly every night of our relationship, but last few months I’ve tried to avoid it BecUse I’ve run out of things to say! And I end up being on the phone for up to three hours ! Anyway, he says he wants all the normal and fun stuff, but he needs to relive himself first before we can talk about other things BecUse it helps him relax and de stress...I got off the phone feeling shit, as though it’s my fault and my negative perception on sex now.
Does anybody else take a long time to process or beat yourselves up because you think you’ve got something wrong and now you’re bad ?

Coffee do you mean a warped sense of reality as if your not really in the moment it's like out of touch with reality, I always get an out of body experience, mine is mainly due to anxiety when I go out of the house,
Do you feel comfortable with doing all that stuff over the phone to him? Can't he just want and watch porn before you have a phone call so you can talk about normal things.
I take a long time to process everything it just keeps playing over and over in my head, I also tend to hold grudges for very long time like years.

What are you beating yourself up about??

Hi Cm , how are you today?
I get moments like you described, out of touch, when my anxiety is overwhelming I also suffer paranoia. But I also meant day to day functioning, seeing situations for what they are? Erm, for example, my bf, I genuinely feel today as if I’ve got everything all wrong, I’ve seen things from totally the wrong angle, and all the tension and animosity is my fault, whereas a few days ago, I recognised how his behaviour could affect anyone in a bad way??? Erm, I suppose I can verge between feeling victimised, to then feeling completely at fault ??

Sounds like the sort of thing my selfish abusive shit of a boyfriend used to say so he got sex, whilst I cried and said I needed to sleep. He always wanted me to tell him some porn fantasy instead of just being with me. Really, leave him. He won't change. It's not good for you, you won't get better by having someone fuck with your head. I've been there, I know it's hard, it took me two years to leave and that was only when he physically attacked me - I needed Mumsnet then but it was many years ago.

Wearegerbil - I know it sounds bad...but sometimes I think it’s just me, I turn into a victim because I can’t handle too much feeling or happiness ? No, that can’t be true. Have relationships often triggered you? How are you today?
I bought the chimp paradox today, have you read it ?

Ah I have two jobs, caring for DS and my day job

I'm sorry you're being treated so badly by your BF. I can tell you that it's not normal or healthy for one partner to be responsible for the other's sexual gratification. In my thinking about a healthy relationship, sex or anything sex related is something that both partners enthusiastically consent to every time it happens. There is a negotiation process where both partners needs are of equal importance and saying no at any time for any reason is accepted by the other partner. I realise that probably sounds a bit crazy to you right now. I'm not going to detail the sexual abuse I went through but I'm happy to talk about how my thinking has changed around sex and consent etc.

I think part of BPD is the thinking that a person is valued for what they do. I used to worry that if I didn't do enough for my partner they would leave me for someone else. I would act as the perfect servant to their every need constantly without any sense that I had needs too and without realising how one sided it all was. I still fall into this old habit when I'm stressed or feeling insecure, but I'm quicker to notice what I'm doing and get back on an even keel.

I mean if you follow the logic through then you are equal partners and deserve the same amount of commitment to pleasing you as you give to your partner. And yet somehow you're not receiving it and don't feel worthy of receiving it.

Not sure if that makes any sense, very tired tonight.

Have you heard the phrase "I'm a human being not a human doing" ?

Hi coffee, I'm okay, have a day off today, yesterday was a bit hectic.

I know about the chimp paradox but I haven't read it. My favourite book is The Body Keeps the Score because it really helped me to understand what was happening physiologically to me when I was triggered, or when I drank or self harmed, and explained why I couldn't just think my way out of it, which then took away a lot of guilt that it was all my fault that I behaved badly. Although ironically in some ways it set me back because I started to think about it all again.

Whatever's going on with your BF, even if your behaviour is contributing to the dysfunctional relationship, he is still being abusive and disrespecting you. When I look back at mine he clearly also had mental health problems, bipolar at a guess, so the dynamics were generally fucked between us but I also think as someone else said we are keen to please and adapt ourselves to our environment to stay out of trouble (this was definitely the story of my childhood, avoiding my dad's wrath) that we forget our own needs.

Let us know how you get on with the book!

Hi guys, how are today? Gerbil I will look into that book tonight. Chimp paradox isn’t specifically aimed at those with mental health issues, but so far so good...states that the chimp In us is the emotional brain, not using reasoning or logic instead basing decisions on ever changing emotions: whereas the human brain, which is us,me and you, uses logic and facts and reasoning...it basically states that there are two separate brains inside us which very often come into conflict.
I told me counsellor my bf did on Saturday and she is also aware of past incidents...she said “you’re meant to be doing a masters” and said if I did not remedy the situation she would be forced to repost me as a process of care and duty...so I have finished with my bf.
I blocked him on everything...he emailed me twice...I’m so sorry I know I’ve been a twat you deserve the world I want the best for you I love you I’ve been to see someone as I’ve not been feeling well and I knew I wasn’t treating you right I was going to take you to dinner tomorrow night I’ve been looking at holidays and so it went on ...
I don’t feel great, I’m trying to remain numb, I know I’ll feel worse in the morning, I feel as though I’m at risk to myself a little...but I just need to get through this.

Well done Coffee you've made a brave step, think of all the opportunities your masters will open up for you, your ex sounds like he's shutting these opportunities for you, just remember we can all say things people want to hear when we want something but it's manipulation at its highest, you can be brave, we all have Faith in you.
I too have read half the chimp book but stopped when I realised I lived my whole life as a chimp.
Thinking of you

Hi CM - thank you. I too have lived as a chimp, but I think a lot of people have...I will persevere for now.
Bf just sent me a big email saying that he always asked me what was acceptable at all times ... and I now feel horrendous

Very proud of you! Well done.

Well done coffee, you've absolutely done the right thing. Don't let him blame you or make out like he's not done anything wrong - he's a dangerous arsehole. Send his emails to junk and don't read them. You are way better than him.

I’m falling apart now...I’ve taken diazepam. I have that horrible crawling desperate feeling, as though I’m a terrible person, that I’m missing out on the biggest adventure of my life because of my stupid brain

Well done coffee. Can you add bf email address to the junk or spam senders list in your email account? Then anything he sends will be deleted before you even see it.

Self care - what would help right now? You can get through this even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Splash cold water on your face, curl up with a film or book, drink a hot chocolate? What works well for you?

Hey...I’m too anxious to watch a film, I think I will try and sleep soon. He said earlier I could come through tomorrow night, and now he doesn’t want to see me. He said that he agrees, that if I can act okay then dump him then that’s a very dangerous situation. I’m really hurting. And scared that I’ll fall back down the rabbit hole

Can you do small nice things for yourself- get into bed with a good book after a hot bath? Take it slow if you have to one day at a time.You will get through this.

Hi have any of you been violent to your partner. My son is 18 and in a relationship with someone who has BPD .She has assaulted him twice and I can't get him to see that the relationship is toxic

When I was 18 I use to provoke my partner so we ended up fighting and I did hit him.
She's probably battling a lot of demons but that's absolutely no reason to assult your son, as a mum to a son myself I feel this must be devastating for you, has he said why she's done it?

She gets stressed kicks off and hits him . The first time she got triggered and kicked out splitting his lip

How are you @Coffeeplease88 ?

@Scaredformyson have they tried being proactive when she gets stressed such as hitting a pillow or holding an ice cube. Is she receiving treatment? What does your son say about it?