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Original poster

I flicked dd's nose and made her cry - why??? I am terrified of myself now

119 replies

evilcow · 21/04/2007 18:01

I was so annoyed with her, and for some reason I flicked her little nose. She promptly burst into frantic tears and then bizarrely I did it again two or three times. Then it hit me what I'd done, and now I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that I am capable of hurting my baby and am bloody terrified that I might ever do it again.
I can't believe I did something so awful and hurt the most important thing in my life. I picked her up and cuddled her while she cried and cried, and eventually she did stop and was fine. What the f**k is the matter with me? I had some issues with breastfeeding which made me a bit depressed just after she was born, and I've always worried that we haven't really bonded properly, but I've never ever contemplated laying a hand on her or anyone. I just can't understand why it happened and so am completely terrified that it could happen again.
I feel just awful so hopefully I won't ever do it again, I can't imagine that I could, but then why did it happen in the first place? It was like, 'right, if you're gonna keep whinging I'll give you something to really cry about'. But that's ridiculous. I'm just not that sort of person. My period is due in a day or so and I do get really grumpy and irritable, but why this? Why? What the hell is wrong with me and how do I cure it?

OP posts:
colditz · 21/04/2007 18:05

You need to go to the doctor and you need to ask for some antidepressents and some councelling NOW. This is not a road you want to be travelling alone. This way lies misery, and you sound like you desperatly need some help-.

Wotzsaname · 21/04/2007 18:07

agree with colditz. Take some time out, if this was today, get some time alone and ask for someone to come over or help for a hour or so.
You know its wrong. Just don't do it. If you flick you own nose you will see how much it hurts!

WigWamBam · 21/04/2007 18:12

Yes - see the GP before this escalates. You haven't done her any lasting damage, but it needs stopping before you do. Self-control isn't easy when you feel rough but she's tiny and she needs to be able to trust you.

Ask the HV for some support, too.

Original poster
evilcow · 21/04/2007 18:15

I went out and went over to see my sister. Acted perfectly normal. Came home, saw my dh, was perfectly normal with him. Can't even look at dd. Feel so awful. Feel like she might be afraid of me or might hate me, although she smiled and giggled when I quickly said hi. And yes, it does hurt. Everytime I've been alone all day I've been flicking my own nose, like to punish myself or something. I'm definitely not right in the head at the moment. I just don't understand why it happened. I've never done anything like that before or even had it occur to me that I could do it.

OP posts:
Budababe · 21/04/2007 18:18

You need help hon. You are not an "evilcow". How old is your DD? It does sound like poss PND. You should also speak to your DH - hard as it may be.

WigWamBam · 21/04/2007 18:20

OK - you can forget any thoughts that she's frightened of you or that she hates you. She doesn't; she won't even remember that you did it. She loves you, you are her world. Don't punish yourself any more, and stop trying to hurt yourself - it will make things worse.

It happened because, from the sound of your post, you are depressed. You can get help for that, and that's why you should go to the GP. He won't judge, he won't criticise, he will have seen many people in just the same boat and he will help you.

Don't beat yourself up. You are ill, but you can get better. Please see the GP. And if your HV is nice, speak to her as well. She will be able to come out and spend time with you, talking things through with her could be very helpful to you.

Overrun · 21/04/2007 18:21

Poor you, I agree with the other posters that you probably need some help, maybe in the form of ADS, if you are depressed.
I think the best way to avoid this happening, is to not be secret about it, talk it through with your dh. You may need some extra support from family and friends atm, if things are hard.
Maybe some counselling? There are lots of things that might help, but you need to ask for them.

Wotzsaname · 21/04/2007 18:25

PND wil make you do things that are completely out of character. And stop flicking yourself on the nose as punishment. That won't help.

iCod · 21/04/2007 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DANCESwithaFewExtraPounds · 21/04/2007 18:27

COD

LucyJones · 21/04/2007 18:27

How old is she? I agree with the others, you need to get somehelp

FluffyMummy123 · 21/04/2007 18:28

Message withdrawn

Wotzsaname · 21/04/2007 18:28

stop talking about yourself icod. And if anyone says I am cod bashing feck off.

LucyJones · 21/04/2007 18:29

what else can we say though except get some help and don't do it again Cod? What is your advice then? Phone social services and report yourself?

Overrun · 21/04/2007 18:29

Cod don't try and provoke a fight on a thread that seems like a genuine plea for understanding, please

DANCESwithaFewExtraPounds · 21/04/2007 18:29

Have you ever suffered from depression Cod? I have. It makes you very different from your normal self.

shonaspurtle · 21/04/2007 18:29

You know what you did was wrong and not a normal response - that's got to be good? Be kind to yourself and get some help as has been suggested below.

Your little girl loves you and needs you to be happy and well .

hertsnessex · 21/04/2007 18:29

here we go.......

some constructive suggestions and then the normal witch hunt begins.......

evilcow, talk to your Dh, and Dr. Dont hate yourself, just try and find a remedy to whatever it is thats making you feel and act like this.

cx

FluffyMummy123 · 21/04/2007 18:30

Message withdrawn

LucyJones · 21/04/2007 18:31

yes Cod but what's YOUR advice???

Overrun · 21/04/2007 18:31

what a shocker, Evilcow, hasn't posted again. Could it be because her thread has degenerated into an argument?

FluffyMummy123 · 21/04/2007 18:32

Message withdrawn

nogoes · 21/04/2007 18:32

Cod, the difference is she recognises she has a problem. She doesn't need warm fluffy hugs but she doesn't need your unhelpful condemnation either.

Evilcow - Talk to your Dh tonight and get to the Doctors on Monday. You need to tell someone how you are feeling.

Original poster
evilcow · 21/04/2007 18:33

I know it won't help but it made me feel better.... didn't monks used to wear belts with nails in as a punishment for their sins? I always thought they were mad.
I can't tell my dh, he definitely wouldn't understand. I thought I was fine. I've never been depressed. Although looking back on it now, worrying about bonding, hating breastfeeding, automatically feeling stressed when she cried (although she hardly ever does, that's the stupid part, she's such a good baby on the whole, apart from the colic occasionally) I guess could all be symtoms of depression.
I also lost my mum just before I found out I was pregnant and I've always thought I never really grieved properly cos the pregnancy kind of took over. I feel like a ticking bomb now. Perhaps I ought to stop talking, I'm depressing myself now. Perhaps I'll go and watch Doctor Who, might cheer me up a bit!

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 21/04/2007 18:33

Of course it's not OK, cod. No-one's said it is. That's why we've all told her to get help - before she ends up really hurting her dd.

I remember being a total fruit-loop when dd was born, it's frightening and confusing.