I flicked dd's nose and made her cry - why??? I am terrified of myself now

[evilcow]

I was so annoyed with her, and for some reason I flicked her little nose. She promptly burst into frantic tears and then bizarrely I did it again two or three times. Then it hit me what I'd done, and now I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that I am capable of hurting my baby and am bloody terrified that I might ever do it again.
I can't believe I did something so awful and hurt the most important thing in my life. I picked her up and cuddled her while she cried and cried, and eventually she did stop and was fine. What the f**k is the matter with me? I had some issues with breastfeeding which made me a bit depressed just after she was born, and I've always worried that we haven't really bonded properly, but I've never ever contemplated laying a hand on her or anyone. I just can't understand why it happened and so am completely terrified that it could happen again.
I feel just awful so hopefully I won't ever do it again, I can't imagine that I could, but then why did it happen in the first place? It was like, 'right, if you're gonna keep whinging I'll give you something to really cry about'. But that's ridiculous. I'm just not that sort of person. My period is due in a day or so and I do get really grumpy and irritable, but why this? Why? What the hell is wrong with me and how do I cure it?

yes that is good advice, I agree!

very helpful cod.

EC, stop trying to analyse it. Just get help, yes?

Evilcow, I am going to watch that too hope it cheers you up like you hope. And remember, no hair shirts okay I will try and catch up with you after the Doctor

you need to talk to your DH, even if you dont mention this to him right now, let him know how you are feeling etc.

Cod, you get smacking and what? Your typing is dreadful.

You need some support - don't carry on beating yourself up about what you did. You know it wasn't right and you are asking for help - there is a world of difference between this and hidden abuse. Whatever any one on here may say.

how old is your dd?

EC - Your dh probably won't understand exactly how you are feeling, they don't but you MUST tell him you are depressed and not coping.

And to be honest, I don't think I could ever do it again simply because I frightened myself so much. But then if I'm a raving lunatic, what do I know?

Just re-read cod's posts and am suddenly depressed. I take it Cod has never reached the end of her tether with her children. Enjoy your perfect life Cod - oh and perhaps learn to spell!

I just love some of the old die hards on MN - unless you meet their perfect criteria they go in for the kill.

Am flouncing off in disgust now - must be better forums than this.

EC: you are not a raving lunatic. You realised what you did. Do get help from your GP, partner, family - you need the support.

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we all do things that we regret sometimes that does not make us a raving lunatic, just remember how you felt after you did it and remember it whenever you are tempted to do something in the future, also don't be afraid to share with people you are close to, they may be more understanding than you think, they also know you and will be able to tell you if they think that your mood had been low of late and support you in getting help.

and most of us I bet have lost it with crying babies - think there was a thread a while back about shouting at your baby. I've certainly been there

Oh for crying out loud, let's not make this an "old diehards" bashing thread. And since when did MN normally go in for witchhunts when someone is genuinely asking for help?

Cod - you were definitely out of order

evilcow (sorry, but that is a TERRIBLE nickname, you are not evil)- just listen to the good advice you've been given, ignore negatives. Talk to your DH, talk to your doctor. You know something is wrong - it's not as though you are merrily thumping her without thinking anything of it.

Good luck

Cod has apologised

a bit

let's move on

It sounds horrifying to find yourself doing this, ec

Are you going to get some help?

What a shame you had that nasty, childish comment thrown at you evilc. You've done the right thing and ignored it though! I do agree that you should talk to your HV or GP about how you're feeling. I'm sure you're right that the loss of your mum and now the baby may well contribute to how you are.

And you anxiousness around the baby is common and normal and can be helped - just ask for the help.

I think you are right to take what you did seriously though. You don't want to allow yourself to do that again.

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Evil cow I'm a lunatic as I am sitting here flicking MY nose. It hurts. You realised what you did was not right so as others have urged go and speak to your GP about how you are feeling.

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been drinking cod???

Sweetheart, yes, get help. You haven't damanged her for life. But you do need help, I think, because you sound massively unhappy in a way that should be tackled.