I flicked dd's nose and made her cry - why??? I am terrified of myself now

[evilcow]

I was so annoyed with her, and for some reason I flicked her little nose. She promptly burst into frantic tears and then bizarrely I did it again two or three times. Then it hit me what I'd done, and now I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that I am capable of hurting my baby and am bloody terrified that I might ever do it again.
I can't believe I did something so awful and hurt the most important thing in my life. I picked her up and cuddled her while she cried and cried, and eventually she did stop and was fine. What the f**k is the matter with me? I had some issues with breastfeeding which made me a bit depressed just after she was born, and I've always worried that we haven't really bonded properly, but I've never ever contemplated laying a hand on her or anyone. I just can't understand why it happened and so am completely terrified that it could happen again.
I feel just awful so hopefully I won't ever do it again, I can't imagine that I could, but then why did it happen in the first place? It was like, 'right, if you're gonna keep whinging I'll give you something to really cry about'. But that's ridiculous. I'm just not that sort of person. My period is due in a day or so and I do get really grumpy and irritable, but why this? Why? What the hell is wrong with me and how do I cure it?

X-posted WWB

So glad you changed you're name and even happier that you have taken the first step in dealing with your worries {{hugs}}
Definitely go to the docs you don't have to have to struggle on, look how much better you felt talking to your hubby imagine how positive you could feel xx

adn cod tell me she apologises deeply.
Sorry i wil look carefully at the thread topic next time.

So glad you feel better.

I've been following this thread with a huge sense of recognition and empathy EC - and I think you are incredibly brave to be so honest about what happened.

I had PND (I think I still do actually) and sometimes I have days where I frighten myself with my behaviour/feelings towards my beautiful ds. I am taking AD's again and have started counselling and really talking to DH about how I feel when things are bad.

I really advise you go to GP. In addition to AD's it is worth pushing for some counselling. I did group CBT for women and it was fantastic.

It sounds like you have forgiven yourself and moved on. That is what your dd needs you to do. Keep working on it.

You're a star

Well done everycloud . I am pleased you are feeling optimistic. PND is a real bugger.

I did wounder cod if you had not looked before you leaped.
You're not a bad fish and I don't want to batter you, ever.

everycloud - it took me at least 4 months to bond with my (adopted) DS and that bond is still growing. I was amazed when I admitted this to people how many birth mothers said "oh yes me too, but no-one admits it when its your birth child"!

I was also not ready for a baby - and I had three years of adoption preparation beforehand. Sometimes the only way to be ready is just go for it, there is no perfect time.

This bonding thing is a very strange buisness. I bonded immediately with DS1. I would have kiiled anyone who tried to harm a hair on his head. With DD it took 9 months. I cared for her well, and I breast fed succesfully, but due to pnd the love thing just didn't happen.

am still grovelling...

RE COD
I have joined this site but will NOT be back again due to your digusting badly spelt insults.
Do not abuse people who need help.

Evilcow, I hope you've found the help you need. The other girls were great.

Oh, I agree. Quite, quite digusting.

Bye.

i am soooo sorry, but really pmsl at "digusting badly spelt insults"

Yay, Everycloud, what a fab new name. I hope things are looking up...do press on with getting help and don't be complacent now, you have already come far, but keep going!

But do go to your doctor EC and be honest about what happened....they have heard far worse,( I am a doctor...), and will want to help you avoid further situations where your daughter could be harmed.

Hmm yeah 'digusting' not so good when trying to make a point! I was shaking with anger so i'm not surprised.

Has anyone else shouted at their little one and then felt guilty? I feel so so so bad.
I have twin girls - aged 2 and today one had an almighty strop and tantrum cos I took off her shoes to put her down for her nap - and she wanted her shoes on.
I said no shoes in bed... and we all went upstairs - but she cried and screamed and ranted all the way - lots of tears and snot.
Anyway - the other twin went to bed fine, but the crying one wouldn't stop - so after much cajoling and trying to explain and distract, and cuddling and telling her to calm down - but with absolutely NO change in her - I shouted at her (just shouted her name and said STOP IT) - and then she cried more and said "Scared mummy"
that is the bit that made me feel so so terrible.
I know I am not a terrible parent - but I do totally feel like one at the moment. Am I the only one who has done this?
I have read some other posts re PND and have never considered that I could have it - they are 2 for goodness sake - BUT I think that I do have tendencies around period time - which is now. hormones are a terrible thing.
please someone tell me that you have done the same thing????