I flicked dd's nose and made her cry - why??? I am terrified of myself now

[evilcow]

I was so annoyed with her, and for some reason I flicked her little nose. She promptly burst into frantic tears and then bizarrely I did it again two or three times. Then it hit me what I'd done, and now I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that I am capable of hurting my baby and am bloody terrified that I might ever do it again.
I can't believe I did something so awful and hurt the most important thing in my life. I picked her up and cuddled her while she cried and cried, and eventually she did stop and was fine. What the f**k is the matter with me? I had some issues with breastfeeding which made me a bit depressed just after she was born, and I've always worried that we haven't really bonded properly, but I've never ever contemplated laying a hand on her or anyone. I just can't understand why it happened and so am completely terrified that it could happen again.
I feel just awful so hopefully I won't ever do it again, I can't imagine that I could, but then why did it happen in the first place? It was like, 'right, if you're gonna keep whinging I'll give you something to really cry about'. But that's ridiculous. I'm just not that sort of person. My period is due in a day or so and I do get really grumpy and irritable, but why this? Why? What the hell is wrong with me and how do I cure it?

I've just had a big talk with dh, although didn't mention the nose flicking thing. I don't know why that happened in the way it did. She was on my lap so she was right there in front of me. It's quite sad cos one of our little close gestures is to gently tap her nose in time to music, like the way you tap their belly or tickle their feet. I think I've spoilt that now.
Dh said he didn't realise how I'd been feeling, and I said to be honest neither did I. I'm glad he knows a little bit about how bad I feel, although he did go back to playing on the xbox straight afterwards...?
I think I've overcome something today. It's a shame it manifested itself in the way it did, but I kind of feel like things have reached some sort of head and it must get better from now on.
I always remember my mum saying once that she'd kill anyone who ever hurt her children. (I thought at the time it was a vague threat to my dad, he liked a bit of a drink.) I always assumed I'd be just as brilliant a mum as she was, but I don't think it's going to come naturally, I think it's going to take a bit of work.

Thanks so much for everyone's posts. I really appreciate it.

No hard feelings cod, I actually thought some of your comments were funny. apart from the freak one, obviously. That was pretty evil.

I rally don't want to go into my own story, but I do think it would be worth while having a chat to your GP.

Talking to your husband is a start though maybe you should have discussed some strategies so you never get to the point of harming your child again. I thought I wasn't coping very well as I was exhausted most of the time.I hid it very well and found it very difficult to talk about how I was feeling. I spoke to my HV and my DH. I get out of the house as much as I can, meet lots of other mums for support. I put DS in nursery one afternoon a week and he now goes to his grandparents one day aswell. I also hired a cleaner for a couple of hours to keep on top of the house. These small things have helped me a great deal. I hope you can get some help so it never happens again.

Its easy enough to get annoyed with babies and children when you have had it in the ear all day, but personally cant understand what you did.
Maybe nnext time you feel that annoyed with your DD, best plan is to put her down somewhere safe, even if she cries, take yourself inot the garden and take time out, maybe even a friend or family if you can.

Good Luck

And EC - do the gentle nose tapping, she won't remember anything different. It sounds sweet and loving.

IMO/IME people do things like that when they are hating themselves - it's a kind of i am shit so im going to make myself feel even shitter thing, like it sort of proves to yourself that you are shit. You could have PND but i think you also need to stop beating youself up about the other issues you mentioned. We all do things to our DC we regret sometimes. If you do feel you need help with depression then get it, if not then put it behind you and go on being the lovely mother you are to your DD, 99.99% of the time...

Just so you know, i have been mean to my DD1 on occasion to the extent of making her cry and then got a kind of sick pleasure out of it because it reinforced the negative way i already felt about myself. I havent done it since the PND went away tho...

EC, you seem a great person to ask for help, to ignore some harsh comments and then to forgive cod - good for you.

A lot of what you described is familiar to me. I had PND and was awful to my kids, mostly shouting, but also smacking It was so frightening for us all, I felt like I was drowning. I also had some self harming behaviours, to 'punish' myself for being so mean.

It took a while for me to speak up about it, but speaking to my HV was a turning point. She wasn't terribly well trained in helping with PND TBH, but just having someone to talk to and acknowledging the problem was a help. DH and I also made some changes and I take a bit more time for myself now.

I hope this encourages you...its 6 months on now I am really out of the woods. You will be too!

And Malaleche - thats for your (last) insightful post, that has really helped me understand my own behaviours a bit better

I mean thanks Malaleche!

Astrophe - my behaviour was similar to yours, i never got any help but fortunately the PND went away. i still lose it sometimes but am more and more aware of how short and precious their childhood is and how easy it is to make them, and as a result myself, happy.

Definitely get help as soon as you possibly can. Your baby is very vulnerable if you have crossed the line from feeling dreadful to harming her. I can't see how flicking the nose of a tiny baby can be anything other than painful and horrible for the child. I totally see that you never meant for this to happen and were/are feeling dreadful. I think anyone who's had tiny babies can relate to that on some level and I agree with the people who've said that you have been very brave to admit what happened. However, i think bravery is not enough here- you have to do whatever it takes to ensure that this, or something akin to it, never, ever happens again. So get some help, get yourself checked out for depression, carry on making sure your partner is listening to and supporting you. Good luck.

Malaleche, Astrophe, thanks so much for your kind words. At least I know I'm not alone on this and someone really understands.
I confessed all to hubby. He was fairly bewildered but totally supportive. He thinks I need to speak to the gp or hv though.
I so frightened myself. When I look at her now I can't believe I was so mean and childish. It was a wierd, freaky thing and I feel so ashamed. I was reading in the paper about those women who made their toddlers fight each other, and what the judge in court said about them, and I just thought 'that is NOT me!'

EC, pleeeease change your name, it is so negative and will just make you feel bad all the time. It's like me changing my name to "bigfatlardarse" when I'm trying to lose weight!

Really glad you spoke to your DH and he has been understanding. And of COURSE you are not like those women in the papers. You know that it was not a normal thing to do, and you are addressing it.

Of course its not you EC, anyone reading the thread properly can see you are worlds apart from those women

And you do need to change your name...lets see...E...C

Eclectic Circle
Eggy Cat
Ernie's Courgette
Eleven Centimetres
Empty Cauldron

Any take your fancy?

How are you today?

What about "emotionally challenged"? Certainly not the name you have chosen, that is NOT what you are.

EC I too lost my Mum when I was pregnant and I have to say that what should have been an absolutely fantastic time of life, (i.e. the birth and nurturing of my firstborn) was understandably something quite different. What you are facing is so difficult but you still have the rationale to see that what you did was wrong, and how brave to post about it.

If you would like to talk further please cat me. I didn't harm my baby but I realise several years on that I was very depressed and it took me ages and ages to truly bond with her. Please please see your GP and insist on some counselling and help to get you over this difficult time. You are still grieving for your mother and just have sooo much on your plate at the moment.
Big hugs to you.

evilcow is no more. Just wanted you all to know that I am fine and I have changed my name. My silver lining is beginning to shine.
Had another huge heart to heart with hubby. Told him everything that I have been feeling and everything that I have been worrying about since the birth of our daughter four months ago. How I was worried that I'd had a baby for other people and not for myself, and that I wasn't really bonding with her, and that I was blaming her for the huge disruption and culture shock in my life. I feel SO much better now, like I've unburdened a huge secret. I don't think he'll ever come home from work and say 'but you've had it easy all day!' again. He'll be asking me whether I've got through the day ok.
I love her to bits but I'm not sure that I'd really thought it through and was totally ready for a baby. I guess I didn't want to leave it too much longer cos I'm in my thirties, but perhaps another year would have been a bit more sensible, I don't know.
Not sure what the cause of all this really is, but I definitely feel a lot better for talking about it. And hubby understands me, he knows where I'm coming from. Once I'd started, it was easy talking to him. Prefer that to telling a stranger all my scary secrets.
Really glad I posted on here though. X X X

good for you Everycloud. Much better to talk to DH if he is prepared to listen, which he obviously is. Good luck.

So pleased for you all everycloud

everycloud-i have followed this thread although have not posted and am so pleased that you are feeling happier. I too love the new name xx

love the new name, glad you talked to DH, for me that was the hardest bit.

Everycloud - you sound lovely. Please don't stop tapping her nose in time to the music - that really would be sad.

I shouted at my baby when she wouldn't sleep for four hours in the night - she looked so shocked and confused...poor little thing.

I felt terrible about it afterwards. I hope I manage not to do it again (at least, not until she's a stroppy teenager refusing to go to bed).

Thats great everycloud. I've been following this thread.

Just wanted to add that there never is a right time when you are totally ready for a baby. So waiting a year may not have made any difference. Its a huge lifestyle change and takes alot of getting used to.

Have you spoken to a doctor yet?

I'm glad you've spoken to your dh, and I'm happy for you that he has been so responsive.

I still think, though, that you need to see the GP about the way you've been feeling, too. Have you rung for an appointment yet?

I think it's great that you've talked to your dh and are feeling happier and more together.

I feel very strongly that you still need to talk to your GP or community psychiatric nurse about getting some proper professional help. A chat with your husband isn't going to make PND just disappear. You feel better now - but what about the next time your baby has a bad day or is ill or fretful, and you lose the plot again?

I don't mean to rain on your parade, I'm very glad you are feeling better, but really, do think about getting proper help to stop this from happening again.