Just wondered if anyone with PTSD/Complex PTSD fancied a chat?

[pepsiandshirley]

I've accepted I'min this for the longish haul, have a great therapist, get out and do plenty of exercise, spend time in green spaces, stay positive etc etc.

But I'd just love to speak to someone/anyone else who understands what a bitch trauma is (any kind, whatever the cause - trauma is trauma!)

Thanks doodle I'll check that out

Pepsi I would love some info on your ELCS, I've had a really difficult time getting anybody to listen to me other than writing 'history of depression' on my notes. I'm almost 30 weeks now and I'm going to have to really push at my next midwife appointment for a conversation about my options. I was angry at first that I may need to consider an elective c section because it felt like another thing that was being taken away from me, but the closer it gets the more sure I am that I won't be able to get through labour and birth without further trauma.

I'll PM you thumbsup..

Hi thanks for the welcome and sorry for the late reply....I haven't had the time to get online.
In answer to the couple of questions, no I don't have therapy anymore, for me personally it wasn't terribly helpful, discussing things over and I couldn't reprogram my thinking that aspect didn't work for me at all but the breathing exercises I was taught help a lot and it helped me understand In more detail what my brain was doing if that makes sense?
So I could accept and understand myself better, which again helped.
Generally I'm doing ok these days, but I actually flashed back today for the first time in ages, totally typical chat with some friends about childbirth. And one of them started talking about a particular sensation and suddenly I was there again, I could feel the blood, that sensation. Cue panic and vomiting, I'm so embarrassed my friends didn't have a clue what was happening it's not something I share unless I have to, I feel so exposed it's horrible.

Mama, I've been told by a couple of therapists that talking therapies are not good for trauma and can make PTSD worse. Was your therapy trauma specific? The nice guidlines for PTSD state that only trauma focused therapy (either EMDR or cbt) is appropriate. Personally Ive found a less mainstream therapy called IEMT fantastic (shares some similarities with EMDR )

Hi, Yes it was trauma specific, I tried many things but TBH I've found in general leaving well alone (definitely not talking about it) has helped more. Not today and not always but in general.

Hello mama

kaffkooks I had my 4th session of emdr yesterday, although it was the second where we started tackling incidents from my past.

I've found it astonishingly powerful and transformative. It's really reaching parts of my brain, my thinking and being in an amazing way. Stuff that was buried deep for different reasons.

We have mainly looked at two very early experiences of mine when I was a small child and my mother was being deliberately cruel and a recurring nightmare I had all through my growing up years concerned with a certain family dynamic.

When we've been doing the EMDR I have been able to access ( but not exactly re-experience, thank god) my terror and perception of my parent as some kind of all powerful monster. But also it's like connections are being made in my mind, zipping about at high speed, seeing how thats why this happened. How I've recreated that same dynamic again and again and how my STBXH, who I'm sure is a disordered man, reinforced and deepened the damage done by my mother.

Some years ago I realised that he'd swept away all the progress I'd made in recovering from my foo, but I'd forgotten as things had got worse. I've seen it again.

So I can see a way forward, a path I can take. I feel a lightening after a session, like some knots have been undone or loosened in my mind. Day to day has its stresses due to the CPTSD but there are green shoots. Little tiny ones, but there.

I see both my mother and ex as powerful monsters in part of my mind while at the same time knowing they were both damaged by their childhoods. WW1 & WW2 did a lot of damage to my grandparents and parents. As Philip Larkin said "Man hands on misery to man, it deepens like a coastal shelf".

Hope this doesn't sound fanciful or extreme. Because mostly my life is an internal, exhausting battle just to be.

lost that sounds fantastic. Sounds a lot how I feel after IEMT. Really glad is working so well for you.

Thanks Nolonger. I have found that between sessions change is taking place too. Like I'm un-freezing and parts of the real me are surfacing. I've done a couple of creative things in the last week that I didn't seem to be able to do before. Nothing major, one was just a bit of house re-arranging. My ex left over 2 years ago and very little has changed in the home since he left, I hadn't the mental energy to do it.

Did you find anything like that? It feels significant to me, like I'm daring to act after being frozen with fear for so long. My ex is very controlling and eventually I was never spontaneous, I always carefully considered the most minor action. In case I accidentally triggered his screaming rage and violence.

Lostgarden I keep thinking of exactly the same line from that Philip Larkin poem! The psychologists who do EMDR where I'm going are more expensive and I'm getting along fairly well with the one I've met so far so I think I'll keep going with her for the moment. I'm glad you are starting to feel a bit better. I too feel I am unfreezing and parts are resurfacing. I have coped well this week at work, despite how busy it has been and I've started listening to and playing music again.

It is expensive, but I'll just have to make economies to afford it. Luckily for me I can.

This feels like the most progress I've made in recovering from all the bad things. It's taken huge efforts to keep doing the minimum necessary for so long. Like a pp said, ptsd sufferers don't really live. It takes all our strength to survive.

kaffkooks - what a coincidence about that particular line from the poem!

Hi lost definately know what you mean about feeling things shift and unblock afterwards. The first session this lasted for at least a month after, it was like I could finally process the trauma. This time we have worked on being able to move forward. It was like time had been frozen by the trauma, but now I can see a future again.

Hi MrsDV 😊 how are you?

I am fine thanks Mama.

I wanted to share an example of catastrophizing that happened a couple of years ago.
You might recognise it.
I had recently got a rescue puppy.
We were getting ready to go to our caravan for a few days.
This would make me very stressed because of all the potential disasters, accidents, burglaries and judgements on my parenting etc.
So I was quite anxious already.
I woke up to find my puppy collapsed. Clearly very ill.
I took him to the vets and he was given pain relief and I was allowed to bring him home to monitor him (ex vet nurse).

Of course I was upset. I didn't want him to die but of course I was sure that he would and it was all my fault and everyone would blame me and this would bring greater scrutiny to my door and eventually everyone would realise what a truly awful person I was. (but wait, that isn't even the catastrophizing bit)

Over the next few hours I began to convince myself that the dog had rabies. This morphed into everyone in the house (particularly children) having contracted rabies.
This led to everyone in the house dying (apart from me because I would have to be alive to take the blame).
I got to a point where I was unable to speak or eat or drink.

There was no shaking this feeling of inevitability.
My children were going to die and it was my fault.

The only thing that could stop me screaming was watching re-runs of Sherlock.
ALL of this was going on inside my head. On the outside I was calm if tense. I swear to God no-one could tell how I was feeling.

I woke the next day and dog was fine. We all went to the caravan.
FFS it was over in 24 hours.

The real story is
Puppy ate something
Puppy got sick
Puppy was better the next day.

Yet this sodding PTSD created 24 hours of hell in my stupid head. It took me weeks to get over that ridiculous episode.

Plus the embarrassment of appearing like a loon at the vets

That is some truly top class catastrophizing! It must have been absolute hell to live through. I think that when something like that is happening your body and mind is experiencing all the stress hormones as if it were real.

Maybe that's why it takes weeks to recover from. All that silent suffering, you really were being stoical. I wonder if it is this kind of thing that stops PTSD sufferers from truly living? Getting a rescue pup brings its stresses for anyone but PTSD people have to factor in the 24 hours of causing a rabies outbreak. Or whatever your example is.

And yes, I expect others thought "Mrs DV" is tense, must be worrying about holiday logistics" rather than the catastrophe which was unrolling in your head.

Sometimes it helps me to share with others what particular catastrophic thoughts I might be having. Depends on the person. Because sometimes they'll say "Why would you think that?".

I'm thinking "Why wouldn't you?"

It's fucking horrible when it has you in its grip.

I hope I am beyond that but I know that I am still very susceptible if health (mine or others) is involved.

Does anyone else find it increasingly difficult to open their mouth when PTSD strikes? I have to force words out and force food in. In fact I usually just stop eating. Food taste like wood.

I had a recent health scare. It took me back years. I lost it completely (on the inside). That was awful awful awful.

I think part of the awfulness is that I have lost all perspective on what level of panic/distress is normal and therefore what I am allowed to feel.

So any amount of upset has to be fought against because it is proof of what an idiot I am.

I think that may be part of why we tend to look so 'sorted' most of the time and good in a crisis.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

at first class catastrophising.

I feel I should have certificate or something

Catastrophising; I really try not to these days. I do my best to talk myself down from the spiral of thoughts that gets out of hand. If I can I do a meditation, which helps but you have my sympathies MrsDV I've done similar.

Does anyone else get physical symptoms?
As it's bank holiday weekend I've got a few days off and I get mild flu-like symptoms for the first few days of any break.
Today I'm in bed as we're going out tonight we have tickets so I can't cancel but I feel physically rough.
The only thing that seems to help is staying in bed for the day.

I also find that my nightmares/flashbacks get worse when I stop for a few days.
Trouble is, no-one can be busy and working all the time but stopping causes the symptoms to ooze back in.

As I said further up the thread, I feel like I'm in a suspended state.
I can function fairly normally, albeit with medication although I can't take antidepressants so that hampers things and although I'm no longer suicidal I'm not getting any better than I am now and I desperately want to.

I get very tired. I often feel like I am coming down with something and it doesn't develop.

I can't take Anti ds either.

Tiredness here too. Also feeling like I'm coming down with something.

Tiredness, chest pain, nausea and shortness of breath for physical symptoms. I think though its often when we relax that things hit us, physically and mentally. It's such a common complaint at work that as soonas people have time off they feel ill, so I dont think thats just us, thoiugh PTSD probably doesn't help.

Sorry to hear everyone's ill. I've been coming down with a cold all week. My boys had it last week so I was expecting it! Seeing my mum and sister tomorrow. Unfortunately, since starting counselling a few weeks ago I have been more uneasy around my family. My sister is currently well so there is no risk to me or the boys but I think realising what an impact everything had on me is making me annoyed at her and my mum as neither of them acknowledge it. Maybe continuing on in my previous "oh it wan't a big deal and it's not a problem now" state would be better.