AIBU to ask if you are a SAHM what time your DH gets home?

[SoMuchPain]

My DH generally leaves the house at 730-8am and is home at 7pm. due to an internal restructure he has to move to a new team. There will be a salary increase that comes with it .

however although it's not totally out of his comfort zone he will have to work longer hours and will also have to visit various sites. Therefore he will have to catch up on other projects in any remaining office time and at home. It does mean he will see the kids less. The weekends are usually ok. We generally get most our laundry done over the weekend but other than that the rest of the house work gets done by me during the week. He's really hands on with the kids when he's around.

I have one school age child and one toddler we keep busy with activities. I sometimes maybe once a month see my friend to visit the cinema. DH family live nearby PILs and SIL. We see very little of them. Maybe a coffee at the weekend. I feel very distant from my DH. When he's home he's tired and sits on the sofa playing games on his phone. We watch the telly sitting on separate sofas. We sleep in separate rooms due to the kids waking in the night. Although we generally have 4 nights of neither waking. If they do wake it's due to illness.

I guess this isn't even about his working hours. I'm feeling increasingly isolated. My family live 150 miles away. I see them once a month. Usually I visit during school holidays. Leaving DH at home. I'm then exhausted because I've taken the kids away and he's essentially getting a holiday and I'm still looking after the kids. AIBU then to feel resentful and isolated? When I return home from my family I hate it- I dread it- mainly because at my family's there are a lot of people to see and it's fun. Here I feel alone. Sorry I'm probably am BU to feel this way.

I'm often angry and frustrated with the children. I feel sad and lonely. I feel I shouldn't dislike my life but I do and I'm sad I'm not enjoying this precious time with my babies.

I would like to go back to my job. But it was long hours and pressurised. I would have to work round my husband which would mean both kids in childcare 5 days a week 730- 630 to accommodate me working. There was no real part-time in my career. I would still have to do everything I do now and work. It doesn't seem possible.

I do not know a solution at the moment.

Stormy omg!!! That is my life to a T. I love your rationalisation ... except I think at those hard times my past comes to haunt me. A tough child hood various things that I can't go into detail on too outy. But there has been a lot and I get caught in those moments thinking of those times

great post stormy, I second what you say exactly!

So much,
I am being a bit lighthearted here, but..
Babies don't come with an instruction manual. There is a good reason for that. Because if people actually understood in advance just what hard work it is to be a mother, the human race would probably die out!

Who in their right mind volunteers for years of sleep deprivation, isolation, ruined figure and career, fatigue, depression and all the other issues people post about being a mum? What you are posting about is pretty much par for the course of being a mum for a lot of mums. Yes there are some who sail through on a gentle breeze, but for everyone who does, someone else has to beat hard to the wind against the tide..(I am a sailor and if you know anything about sailing,you know what that means).

Remember the old Chinese saying, "this to will pass". You are a woman and you have a woman's strenght. You are a good mother. You have a husband who is doing his best for the family. Together you will both come through this very difficult patch.

Thanks itsnotsoeasy indeed I've taken on board what you've said. I've been a mother now for 5.5 years and have two children. I've been through worse times than now but I believe for whatever reason I have reached a breaking point. I've gone to work with children and been a SAHM so I know the pressures of both and I've just hit a very low low point - a place I've struggled to get myself out of. I think to myself every day I'm in a good place I'm a strong woman etc I've tried various mantras.

I try really hard but the fog won't lift. This is why I know this occasion is different and we will see how I pull through. But pull through is exactly what I will do. I've been overwhelmed by the support given on this forum and will stick with you all through my journey to better mental health

I totally get the bit about childhood coming to haunt you. I definitely think we all relive our childhood experiences a bit when we have children. I can only imagine how hard it must be if you've had traumatic experiences as a child. I had a very idyllic childhood but I've struggled with depression and eating disorders all my life. It's so complicated isn't it.

I blamed my parents for a lot of my problems but when I became a parent I realised how amazing they'd been and how the stuff I'd blamed them for was just pretty normal. But then that's come to haunt me in a different way. When I get sick of playing and feel like I need a break I feel so guilty because my parents always say how they never felt like it was hard work playing with us. They never felt like they needed a break because we were so lovely and all they wanted was to spend time with us. My dh again had a good childhood with no massive trauma but an absent and controlling dad. Now he really struggles with control issues and basically just because of what his dad has been like we struggle at times massively. So if you've had traumatic experiences as a child I can only imagine it must be super hard having them coming back to you need affecting your day to day life and who you are and how you parent.

I wanted to just add that I never meant to belittle how you feel and say it's normal, get over it. Even though it is normal having massive ups and downs as a SAHM I think you will know what's just that and what is that having gone a lot further than just being a bit fed up of the daily struggles. When you wake up in the morning and think you wouldn't bother getting up if it didn't affect the kids. Or when everything just feels totally flat and foggy and pointless.. I've been there so I know what it feels like. I'm feeling much better now that I'm about to start working and I feel like I've got my identity back but it doesn't guarantee it'll last and I know I might still dip even when I'm working. Life just never seem to be that straight forward. But I think counselling is amazing if you get a good counsellor and enough time. It might just give you the keys to finding out again who you are and what you need to do to find that happiness again. Sorry these long rambling posts..

Dh gets home between 6 and 6.15 to help with bath/bed most nights. He usually carries on working most evenings once kids are asleep. About once a week he has an international call to make so will stay at work and get home 9ish.

stormyisland, I've heard so many people with grown up kids say "oh I loved it when they were small"..."my kids never fought they played together so well"...."I loved being home all the time"..."I loved playing and doing crafts with them"

well I dont believe them, I think they are remembering the good bits and forgetting the monotonous days when nothing changes, well the monotonous years actually! and them now being honest makes you feel worse

I always feel there's a lot to be gained in saying it how it really is..my kids are teens now and its a lot easier, well in some ways, teens have their own issues, but I'm not exhausted, in ALL the time with them, at the school gates EVERY DAY, I can take a break or a bath without them falling down the stairs

not being honest I meant

I'm hoping this counsellor is good. We had a good start. I did doubt myself walking out** I questioned myself a lot.

I also think DH is so stressed with work. He's not being the best mood wise but at the same time I think he keeps pulling himself back when he's been a bit arsey.

I need to fully read your post stormy it's been a hectic day and respond thoughtfully

Sorry about those bolds!

So Much,
Have your children tried to help you by getting all your makeup out the dresser and rubbing it into the carpet?
Or warming dads shirts up by sprinkling hot ashes from the fire all over them?

I only ask because that is what I did to my poor mum.

stormy I agree with everything you say! And ssd agree with you re people rewriting history - my parents definitely do that! It's all idyllic now, looking back!