AIBU to ask if you are a SAHM what time your DH gets home?

[SoMuchPain]

My DH generally leaves the house at 730-8am and is home at 7pm. due to an internal restructure he has to move to a new team. There will be a salary increase that comes with it .

however although it's not totally out of his comfort zone he will have to work longer hours and will also have to visit various sites. Therefore he will have to catch up on other projects in any remaining office time and at home. It does mean he will see the kids less. The weekends are usually ok. We generally get most our laundry done over the weekend but other than that the rest of the house work gets done by me during the week. He's really hands on with the kids when he's around.

I have one school age child and one toddler we keep busy with activities. I sometimes maybe once a month see my friend to visit the cinema. DH family live nearby PILs and SIL. We see very little of them. Maybe a coffee at the weekend. I feel very distant from my DH. When he's home he's tired and sits on the sofa playing games on his phone. We watch the telly sitting on separate sofas. We sleep in separate rooms due to the kids waking in the night. Although we generally have 4 nights of neither waking. If they do wake it's due to illness.

I guess this isn't even about his working hours. I'm feeling increasingly isolated. My family live 150 miles away. I see them once a month. Usually I visit during school holidays. Leaving DH at home. I'm then exhausted because I've taken the kids away and he's essentially getting a holiday and I'm still looking after the kids. AIBU then to feel resentful and isolated? When I return home from my family I hate it- I dread it- mainly because at my family's there are a lot of people to see and it's fun. Here I feel alone. Sorry I'm probably am BU to feel this way.

I'm often angry and frustrated with the children. I feel sad and lonely. I feel I shouldn't dislike my life but I do and I'm sad I'm not enjoying this precious time with my babies.

I would like to go back to my job. But it was long hours and pressurised. I would have to work round my husband which would mean both kids in childcare 5 days a week 730- 630 to accommodate me working. There was no real part-time in my career. I would still have to do everything I do now and work. It doesn't seem possible.

I do not know a solution at the moment.

Anyway I'm sorry to bother you all. I'm sure there is a solution somewhere. I'm just sorry really for feeling like this when really I shouldn't. I feel so so stupid. People are in a worse place financially, physically and emotionally. It feel ridiculous to me to feel like this and for me to post online about this. I'm so stupid.

I'm a SAHM living in the UK and my husband does landline clearance (obviously not in the Uk) so he spends anything from a couple of weeks to a couple of months away (Afghanistan, Somalia, Cambodia etc), home for a few days or a couple of weeks if we're lucky then away again. When child number four was a month old he went to Afghanistan for three months. That was hard. No4 doesn't like to sleep even now so I can be zombie like some days. Family are 400 miles away so it's just me and the kiddies. It can be tough. I feel for you OP

You are not stupid. You are not bothering anyone. Reaching out for help is the most sensible and positive thing you can do.

I think DH is well and truly caught up in the rat race ... he's in a good career (I was too in an amazing career) but my time out has set me back, sometimes I crave who I was before. Sassy, independent, successful. I had confidence and was bloody good at what I did - my pregnancies were horrific. My births even more so. Kids in SCBU and NICU. I don't know what I want from life and at the same time I feel a fool not not being happy. It is absolutely ridiculous of me not to be positive - to be 'woe is me' when so many would say I have it all. What is wrong with me... it's so bad that I feel so so ridiculous. I feel selfish to even ask for help.

I agree with others that you sound as if you have depression and need support. Honestly unless they were a very outgoing person who made good friends easily, your situation would be depressing for lots of people.I don't know what job your DH has but is it possible to reduce his hours? Do you have any interest in returning to some kind of work - even if it was just part time and even if it only covered nursery fees. Is there anything locally you could go to without your younger child - a gym with a creche? I also think you should do something just for you at the weekend. An exercise class, art class, just go for a run, meet a friend for coffee. Something out of the house and without the kids in tow.

Yes there is a gym with a crèche. Very expensive though. £60 membership then you have to pay for your child to be a member and then pay for their crèche each time you go.

Me time - that's missing. I need to do something about that. Maybe we do find the money for the gym membership.

He can't reduce his hours. He chooses to work those hours to be successful. He's not doing anything out of the ordinary.

Ironically I am out-going. I try really hard. But I think because of my situation I can come across as needy. Maybe that puts people off me. I start friendships lots and unless I keep in touch they fizzle out. I like to think it's because people are busy but I think it's because of me. I'm exhausted with my life. I'm so so so fed up it's painful how fed up I am. It actually physically hurts in my chest.

oh op, God love you, you aren't stupid and you aren't bothering anyone, you have as much right as any of us to post here

please please go to your gp and print this thread out and take it with you, you can get help with these feelings

and Oopsdearyme, what an ignorant f**r you are, the op has poured her heart out and all you can come up with is a snidey comment, really is that the best you can do???

Being a sahm suits some people, and others it does not.

Living a long way away from family suits some people, and others it does not.

Living rurally suits some people, and others it does not.

There is no shame in finding that the situation you are in does not suit you (and is causing you to feel down).

Talk to your husband about this and ask him to tell you honestly how he would feel if the roles were reversed. He might feel he is stressed by the pressures of his job and the requirement to provide for you all. But ask him if he would swap?

Oops that's what you took from this post seriously ??

Iv been a single mum most my dp life and still don't have a d"h" . Literally didn't cross my mind to read anything into the title other than op looking for people that might relate to her .

Op I don't have much to add but you do sound like you could be a bit depressed . It sounds like a lot of stuff falls on your shoulders and you don't really get any time out !

Dc life not dp life

Hey OP, it does sound like you have it tough and just because you "should" be happy doesn't mean that you will be. You are not alone there. It sounds like you have a hard time flying solo and having to dig deep each day so I echo what others have said and would recommend seeing the GP and potentially booking a baysitter and going out with your DH to tell him how you are feeling. You need to know he cares and you need some changes that will help you turn the tide of slogging on your own. X

Thank you everyone for your thoughtfulness and kindness to a stranger.

OP. I really feel for you. Please do make a GP appointment without delay. You sound depressed and there is plenty that can be done to help work things out for you, you just need to take that first step. You will get through this. Depression can creep up on any of us. You are isolated with young children, it's no wonder things are tough for you. Many many suffer similar. Please make the first move to seek help. You don't have to take meds from GP, go and talk to them in the first instance. Also try and get out for a walk and fresh air each day. Winter can make things so much worse. Take care.

Goodness me, Oops wasn't that offensive. Talk about over-reaction all you who have done the face at Oops! She made a point, which was fair enough (if possibly a bit untimely) but a valid point nonetheless.

she was offensive, bloody offensive if you ask me

Mon - Thurs DH worksy 6am-2.20pm and Fri 8am-12pm, he always collects kids from School

Why don't you sit your DH down and talk to him about this. Life is short, don't waste what little time you have here being unhappy.

Oh OP - my heart goes out to you. If I was in your position I would feel very isolated and resentful too.

My DH is very hands on with DS and is home by 5pm every day but on the days I'm home alone with DS (4 days a week) I still feel stifled because the drudge of being a parent is not for everyone. My DH is currently abroad for 8 days and he's only been gone for two days and already I'm feeling a bit meh about lone parenting for all that time.

I have family close by, I have lots of friends, I have a job and colleagues yet I still feel a bit isolated at times when it comes to parenting a 3 year old so I can't imagine how difficult things must feel for you when you have nobody to turn to.

I think you need to tell your husband how bad you feel, tell him the truth, tell him you feel like running away and make him see how much your struggling and that you need help. His job shouldn't be his priority as he is a husband and father foremost and he needs to realise that. Your current set-up is not working and you beee to sit down and find a solution and he has to be prepared to make changes in orde to make your life a better one.

Can you afford a cleaner once a week? An hour even for a tenner? Might just take some of the pressure off cleaning/tidying up wise. Antidepressants need not be a permanent thing but just might help you cope for the time being as well as counselling.

Hi OP
I am a SAHM in the U.K.
My Husband works ridiculously long hours. He leaves home between 7.30am-8.00am and gets home anywhere from 8.00pm-1.00am
Both our families live over 5 hours drive away. I have zero support.
It's really tough. Like you I feel like I can't go to work due to his hours.
Recently I have put my daughter into childcare two afternoons per week and oh my gosh - it has helped me hugely. I can get some exercise or paint my nails etc just makes me feel like I am worth something again.
Really recommend doing this if you can.

Is it hard to come off anti depressants? I will look into the nursery or childcare option and see what we can afford (if anything). I am concerned about becoming addicted to anti depressants. I am so frightened to speak to my DH because I come across as I can keep it together that I am a capable mother.

I dont have any experience but a friend takes them and they are helping her enormously

sorry meant to add, shes just back to being herself now (and she felt like she shouldnt be depressed, she has a wonderful life but was still needing anti depressants)

I really feel for you. I've been where you are too. The crushing lack of joy and the unbearable stretch of hours of child caring and no real companionship. Friendships slowly eroding as your confidence and personality wane. Beginning to wonder who you are. Feeling that you should be enjoying your children but just not being able to. It being an unbearable effort to think what to cook for them.

I hate that this happens to so many of us. Many of our other halfs are simply in careers where they have to go the extra mile continually to keep their position /climb the ladder and then it becomes impossible for the home-based partner to do much work wise. And that lack of meaningful regular contact and status in the big wide world certainly for me almost destroyed my confidence.

What's clear is that you are totally at breaking point and something must change. Well, a fair few things. It seems so 'unfair' (for want of a better word) that we should end up having to take antidepressants when the cause is circumstantial and you wouldn't feel this way if things were different. However, I think they do help get you back on a more even keel to help you see a way to change things. So I would look at that. Then I'd think, what could I cope with? Forexample, would it be better if DH worked 9-5 and we had less money, moved house? Is it even likely that even if your DH totally understood and sympathised withyou, that he could stick to those sorts of hours in a lower level job? If not, would you be happier if he did a similar job to the one he does now but close to your family so you have your family around and see them a few times a week? I think you need to explain to him just how at breaking point you are and that you need to make real physical changes to how you live your lives so that you can be happy. I have no idea how you make him understand (my DH never really got it, was upset that I wasn't enjoying the dcs when he felt hewas missingout on lots of their growing up - however he was happy to move to try and improve things for me) but ask him 'if you can't understand or see my point of view please accept that this is how things are for me, this is my daily life, I need things to change so I cankeep going'.

Long term I'd look at part time work if possible, something that's relevant to you and enjoyable ideally! I know it's not easy. I think re friendships it's pretty hard as an adult to make friends the way we did when we were younger, at uni, work, when you spend loads of time with those people. I know lots of people locally from school that I like and chat to, am on fb with etc, but it's not the same as friendship. Don't have any advice there! I feel pretty lacking on that front.

Sorry for a long and probably jumbled post from my phone. Lots of us are in/have been in your shoes and understand. I hope you can take some steps to change things.

Please don't give yourself a hard time for feeling low, OP. That's actually the depression talking. You know people talk about seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses? Depression is the complete opposite. It sneaks in and colours how you see everything in your life, including yourself and everything around you. It steals your energy and brings you to a halt. It affects the basics like your sleep and your appetite, which in turn makes you feel worse. You can feel better if you get some help with it. GP is a great place to start. If others have said they felt like zombies on anti- depressants, they must have been on the wrong medication. What works for one person may not work for another. The important thing is to start a dialogue with your GP. You didn't get into this situation overnight, you won't get out of it overnight. Different things might work at different times. If you can get some help via DHs work through an Employee Assistance Programme or health insurance, do look into that because support can be set up quite quickly.
Take good care of yourself and I hope things look better soon.