AIBU to ask if you are a SAHM what time your DH gets home?

[SoMuchPain]

My DH generally leaves the house at 730-8am and is home at 7pm. due to an internal restructure he has to move to a new team. There will be a salary increase that comes with it .

however although it's not totally out of his comfort zone he will have to work longer hours and will also have to visit various sites. Therefore he will have to catch up on other projects in any remaining office time and at home. It does mean he will see the kids less. The weekends are usually ok. We generally get most our laundry done over the weekend but other than that the rest of the house work gets done by me during the week. He's really hands on with the kids when he's around.

I have one school age child and one toddler we keep busy with activities. I sometimes maybe once a month see my friend to visit the cinema. DH family live nearby PILs and SIL. We see very little of them. Maybe a coffee at the weekend. I feel very distant from my DH. When he's home he's tired and sits on the sofa playing games on his phone. We watch the telly sitting on separate sofas. We sleep in separate rooms due to the kids waking in the night. Although we generally have 4 nights of neither waking. If they do wake it's due to illness.

I guess this isn't even about his working hours. I'm feeling increasingly isolated. My family live 150 miles away. I see them once a month. Usually I visit during school holidays. Leaving DH at home. I'm then exhausted because I've taken the kids away and he's essentially getting a holiday and I'm still looking after the kids. AIBU then to feel resentful and isolated? When I return home from my family I hate it- I dread it- mainly because at my family's there are a lot of people to see and it's fun. Here I feel alone. Sorry I'm probably am BU to feel this way.

I'm often angry and frustrated with the children. I feel sad and lonely. I feel I shouldn't dislike my life but I do and I'm sad I'm not enjoying this precious time with my babies.

I would like to go back to my job. But it was long hours and pressurised. I would have to work round my husband which would mean both kids in childcare 5 days a week 730- 630 to accommodate me working. There was no real part-time in my career. I would still have to do everything I do now and work. It doesn't seem possible.

I do not know a solution at the moment.

Thanks ssd neither are my SIL and MIL bad just everyone is caught up in their own lives. Even if I could volunteer I would happily do that. I'm absolutely frightened at the prospect! I don't think my DH understands but in some ways I know he 'gets' how tough things are because he knows how successful I was. Just a bit of a change will do me good. I have phoned the healthcare scheme and I have an assessment booked in - I could have counselling as early as this week as long as I can sort some childcare!!! That's the other thing isn't it - sorting childcare but if I can get little one into some sort of childcare then that would give me time to sort my life out. Get to the gym have some physio I have a terrible back - the pain of that gets me down. Just a few things to help me get me and my life back on track, I need to lose weight.

OP, I think its daunting for anybody to get back to work, but its so neccessary i think. I really want to get a job.

GO EASY ON YOURSELF, IT'S REALLY JUST BABY STEPS (oops sorry caps on), everything takes time but when you're in a hole you can't see the way out just now. Have you tried to get a gp appointment yet? The counselling would be great, maybe phone your local council and ask if they have a list of childcare providers or if they can point you in the right direction, or maybe ask a mum at school if they know any childminders. It's hard getting childcare, that's the thing that always stumped me. So easy for people who have their mums/mils/sisters to hand, I can't even imagine a life like that. Anyway, good luck op it does sound like you're moving in the right direction.

don't know if you could afford it but I think many gyms have private creches attached, that would be a good way of helping your back and getting an hour and a coffee to yourself

Thanks ssd. I've started ringing round places this morning regarding childcare. Not called my GP yet. Big step I know and I'm trying to work out who I would feel the most comfortable speaking with- I guess I'm scared I'll end up on anti-d. I have a family member who is a GP and they've said to me (in a general way) that's it's best not to get onto anti-d. I've not let on my feelings as I'm worried about being judged. Yes there are gyms with crèches nearby. They're pretty extortionate so I need to do some maths to see what we can or can't afford.

I'm sure if your relative knew all you'd written here they'd say antidepressants are the way to go for you. Don't get too worried about what the gp will think, if they are anyway decent they will have A.heard it before and B. understand and want to help you. I've sat in counselling and with a gp and absolutely broke my heart crying. I'm not embarrassed now, I realise I needed it, though of course I was embarrassed then. But with hindsight, I can see that's what I needed to do. Depression takes so many forms, it's not just for the downtrodden out there, it also strikes successful people who seem to have it all and are embarrassed at how low they feel. I read once that "Depression is for the strong" and it sort of sounds right, strong people take too much on and soldier on until they snap, and often no one notices they have snapped.

More good progress, OP. If you're arranging counselling through the health care scheme you will probably be asked your preferences and you can ask for an evening or weekend appointment and maybe DH could look after the DCs? Don't let childcare be a barrier to you accessing counselling.

I see a counsellor tomorrow morning. It's an early appointment I don't know how productive that will be. My assessment said i suffer from anxiety. Didn't quite label me as depressed but I guess the counsellor will let me know after an assessment tomorrow. I'm going to try the GP later - I promise I will. I just going to take a bit more strength to do that I'm worried - I don't know why. Anxious I guess about being told I have depression

OP, please try not to worry about being "labelled". It doesn't define you - it's just something you need to acknowledge, get help with (however that looks for you) and then manage.

I completely understand that you don't want to be put into anti depressants and I had always said the same thing but by the time
I'd got into my GPs room and the flood gates had opened I realised I needed something to just bring me
Back in control. That is how I feel now - not like a new person, not like I'm "on happy pills" - I just feel like old me, like I'm in control of my emotions and thoughts but more importantly I feel in control of the day to day things that were so unbelievably overwhelming. Like I've said before, I don't want to be on medication for any longer than I have to be so my next step is to arrange CBT but there is no way I'd have got to this point without anti depressants. They are not an addictive, dangerous drug - they're something with can help level the imbalance out enough to make you feel that you have some control over your life.

Also, depression and anxiety, or the way they manifest themselves, are very much intertwined. Try not to worry too much about what you are or aren't - just speak to the GP about how you are feeling and go from there. Including concerns about anti-ds.

Great that you have self referred for counsellor already. You're a step ahead of me in that respect

Julju I really hope you get someone to talk to too. What about weight gain? Have anti depressants made you gain weight? Lose weight? I don't have a good relationship with food- real control issues.

I do feel like I'm a failure having to put my toddler in daycare but I feel like I just need a few months of respite. That's ok isn't it? This is hard. I have so many expectations of myself. I really am a survivor I've been through some serious crap in my life. And I don't know why this has all come crumbling down.

somuchpain - I'm off work this week and I'm still sending DS to nursery three days a week so I can get some time alone. Sometimes I arrange my shifts purposefully to allow me time at home without him whilst he's in nursery. My DH is a teacher and during the school holidays we still send DS to nursery because sometimes as his parents we need a break.

Looking after young children is hard work and parents needing/wanting a break from it (especially SAHPs) doesn't make them failures, it makes them normal.

I haven't noticed any weight gain but then I have found I've been more active just because I haven't been in the house as much. But I haven't had more of an appetite if that's what you mean. I had some side effects, like feeling exhausted and a bit nauseous for a few days but now my body has got used to them it was completely worth it.

There is nothing to feel guilty about re: children and child care. You need to weigh up what does and doesn't work for you and them. It's said a lot but "you can't pour from an empty cup" and being a SAHP can be so isolating and I think it's easy to lose a sense of your own identity. If it's carrying on as you are vs. children in nursery/at childminders/etc. and coming home to an increasingly happy mum then it's no contest, is it? How can you feel guilty about making very sensible changes so you all have a happier life? You will still be their mother and they'll learn from watching you adapt to life and overcome the things that it throws at us!

I feel a massive success for putting my children into day care so I could work full time. It is a positive thing.

I think your solution is going back to full time work and leaving your husband to sort out childcare and pay his half, even if you don't have much of your salary left over. It is time you had a bit more equality in the relationship and he saw you as someone who just stays a home and deals with house stuff.

You don't needto go back full time. Unless you want to of course. But full time daycare for little ones is a bit unfair in my opinion but everyone's circumstances are different i suppose

Good luck with the appointment tomorrow, SoMuch. I don't know if you've been for counselling before. The counsellor won't diagnose you but should help you decide what you want to work on. Different counsellors suit different people so if you really don't feel comfortable talking to the person you see tomorrow, don't feel obliged to make another appointment with them, just go back to the healthcare people and ask them to send you elsewhere. Try to be as honest as you can about how you're feeling about things (including the counselling), to allow the counsellor to help.
Hope it goes well

Emerelda thank you I wasn't sure if we really connected on the phone. But she was available and local. We shall see. Thanks everyone so so so much

I don't want to say too much about the session this morning I guess due to confidentiality and being respectful of the process. Except that I did find it useful. I've been doing my own research into depression and found it does have a strong hereditary element to it and there is a lot of depression in my family which has me concerned for my own children. Especially my eldest who is quite an anxious child

OP I'm a CPN and I've also suffered from severe depression. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Anyone can become depressed, even people with 'perfect' lives and your life sounds really hard. It's an illness and you are allowed to feel the way you do. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. I have taken ADs for the majority of my adult life and they certainly haven't turned me into a zombie. They simply correct a chemical imbalance in your brain - it's no different to taking meds for an overactive thyroid. If someone who isn't depressed takes them, they won't have any effect. Hopefully they will get you to a place where your mood improves sufficiently to let you make changes in your life which will allow you to be happy in the long term. You sound like a lovely person. Good luck.

Thank you MsHooliesCardigan . That's an incredibly useful insight. just been in supermarket and saw my GP. Obviously we only glanced in each other's direction as an acknowledgement but it's like a reminder to me that I need to book an appointment! She probably sees half her patients in there!

When I was a SAHM Dh would be out 7.30-7/7.30. Pretty much the same now that I work full time

phone her soon op, dont over think it too much

So glad you found the session useful. Hope it's the start of something positive.

Things that came out from the initial assessment were interesting and she really dug around to get me to explore myself. Not sure how I felt leaving the session but I definitely had more of a smile on my face and felt brighter during the day. However now I'm thinking could I have a manic or bipolar depression as I was in such a dark place 2 days ago - so dark and hazy like a fog was over me and then today after one session I've been smiling and acting a bit delirious. However I am still permanently exhausted and irritable. It's all such a worry I wish I could find a solution. Tomorrow I'm phoning my GP definitely I don't know what to say. I hope I can see her - if not her then someone experienced