AIBU to ask if you are a SAHM what time your DH gets home?

[SoMuchPain]

My DH generally leaves the house at 730-8am and is home at 7pm. due to an internal restructure he has to move to a new team. There will be a salary increase that comes with it .

however although it's not totally out of his comfort zone he will have to work longer hours and will also have to visit various sites. Therefore he will have to catch up on other projects in any remaining office time and at home. It does mean he will see the kids less. The weekends are usually ok. We generally get most our laundry done over the weekend but other than that the rest of the house work gets done by me during the week. He's really hands on with the kids when he's around.

I have one school age child and one toddler we keep busy with activities. I sometimes maybe once a month see my friend to visit the cinema. DH family live nearby PILs and SIL. We see very little of them. Maybe a coffee at the weekend. I feel very distant from my DH. When he's home he's tired and sits on the sofa playing games on his phone. We watch the telly sitting on separate sofas. We sleep in separate rooms due to the kids waking in the night. Although we generally have 4 nights of neither waking. If they do wake it's due to illness.

I guess this isn't even about his working hours. I'm feeling increasingly isolated. My family live 150 miles away. I see them once a month. Usually I visit during school holidays. Leaving DH at home. I'm then exhausted because I've taken the kids away and he's essentially getting a holiday and I'm still looking after the kids. AIBU then to feel resentful and isolated? When I return home from my family I hate it- I dread it- mainly because at my family's there are a lot of people to see and it's fun. Here I feel alone. Sorry I'm probably am BU to feel this way.

I'm often angry and frustrated with the children. I feel sad and lonely. I feel I shouldn't dislike my life but I do and I'm sad I'm not enjoying this precious time with my babies.

I would like to go back to my job. But it was long hours and pressurised. I would have to work round my husband which would mean both kids in childcare 5 days a week 730- 630 to accommodate me working. There was no real part-time in my career. I would still have to do everything I do now and work. It doesn't seem possible.

I do not know a solution at the moment.

somuchpain you sound very low and understandably as you have identified that you had two difficult pregnancies and births and have very little help to manage everything at home.

Think of an action plan, small things that will help improve your day. I have felt like you, and sometimes still do, but I find exercise makes me feel better (for me it's swimming) what works for you.

It is robotic, childcare, school runs, meal prep go to bed and repeat.

Try to find something every day that makes you feel you!

A trip to the GP may helpful, personally I have tried to heal myself. I too have a husband who works long hours,
I have felt like you not understanding why
I am here. You feel lost and have no identity. Because SAHP are not valued this makes us feel worse.
Pause, breath and be selfish. If you do not look after yourself and fill yourself up you cannot share with others.

Be kind to yourself, you are valued and loved I promise. Xxx

SueGeneris that is me. Totally. I just gave my DH a snap shot of how I feel. He said he isn't happy with his life either but we have to make it work and make changes if necessary. It's all gone quiet now. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by saying that to him. He said he will look into the childcare voucher scheme at work and work out what we can afford for me to get some respite. He said he'll give me his healthcare providers details for me to book some counselling. Thanks so much everyone I feel like I am taking steps in just a few hours

I've been on antidepressants twice for PND (two children). I found them easy to come off, as I did it gradually under medical supervision. Do you have IAPT in your area (Google it to see) as that's an NHS scheme that gives you access to CBT without going through the GP. It helped me massively, and the antidepressants took the edge off things whilst I did the counselling.

Even if you can't afford gym membership could you do something else that gives you me time? Country walk or something? Exercise also helps when you are low, though I appreciate it's hard to find the motivation to start.

I hope you find some peace Op. Give me a shout if you're near West Cumbria and want to go for a coffee x

I will use what you have all said I think to compose a letter to my DH. I can write it tomorrow. That way he will hopefully read it and we can work something out. He could look to work for a smaller organisation but he comes from a successful and competitive family. I don't know if he would want to take a step back and in reality if he did work for a smaller organisation with smaller projects the pressures are likely to just change but remain

It is useful to know that anti depressants can help. SueGeneris totally summed up how I feel

My husband leaves before the children are up in the morning - so about 6.30am and gets home about 7.30pm. Our youngest is asleep by then and our eldest is sometimes. He also works Saturdays but my eldest stays up late so sees him for a bit. Sundays are our only day together and that sometimes includes his parents who want to see him too. It's hard but needs must. Are you able to start sleeping in the same bed again? Be together in the evening?

I was on them for the recommended 12 months and started to reduce after 9 months. There was a short period of time when I felt a little shaky (approx 4 days) when I had completely stopped but I don't think I could have carried on the way I was if I hadn't taken them as I just wanted to go to sleep on not wake up as I was just so tired and thought the kids would be better off without me. I was also against taking them before I found myself in this situation so understand your hesitance. Just speak to your doctor and see what options you have.

I'm lucky if my DH gets home at all during the week!.The DC are 11 and 8 now so it's not such a problem now but I remember feeling very low when they were younger.

The job pays extremely well and has given us a very comfortable life but there was a point when I felt I couldn't take anymore of him working until midnight every other night and being out entertaining clients a couple of times a week. It did all come to a head one day and he had to have a quiet word with his boss about his work life balance ( the boss was actually quite understanding )

It does get easier to cope with as the kids get older but I still can't have much of a social life on week day evenings and often I have to cancel nights out with friends at short notice because something has come up at DH's office.

When he is home we always make sure we are doing something together - usually just listening to music or watching a film.

I hope you can find a way to improve things

My DH said he sleeps better in a separate bed. He stresses a lot about work. Sometimes he snaps at me if I talk in bed as he sees it as a place of sleep. I do wonder how compatible we are. I'm a chatty outgoing person. I feel his job has changed him. These things that bother him now never used to. He's a kind man. Just I feel maybe I am looking to others when the faults are my own

Great post, SueGeneris.
OP, good progress already.
Don't make any big relationship decisions while you're still feeling like this.

Do talk to your GP about your concerns about medication. They will answer any questions you have about what's addictive and what's not.

I've been on ssri antidepressants for pmdd ( intense pms😥) for five years. I am defo not a zombie. Initially while getting used to them, I had to take them at night as they made me very sleepy and nauseous but if I did take them at night there were no effects left over in the morning on waking. And that is short lived anyway. I now take them in the morning as that's just a better fit with my routine and I can't tell any difference. Old fashioned ad's were brutal and zombifiying but not modern ones. Good luck darling.

I don't think they are addictive, things like Prozac anyway (a while since I have taken them). Some people take them for a long time because they eventually relapse into depression without them - but a relative of mine is on a very low dose and it's so successful for them that their doctor has suggested taking them long term. Don't get them confused with things like Valium which are addictive (any medics do feel free to weigh in and correct me ). When I took antidepressants I didn't feel they altered me, more that they returned me to my normal state, whereas the depression had really distorted life for me.

If you are normally a very outgoing person that had a great career then of course you are going to find the isolation of being at home very hard. You need people and work to keep you thriving. After all, as a pp said would your dh stay at home for 90 hours a week on his own with two small children and no support? My DH says he couldn't, it's too hard, and he supports me by paying for some childcare so I can start my own small business and not minding when I leave him to look after the kids to go out and have dinner and get a bit pissed and have FUN with my friends.

Can you get him to take a Friday off and then go and see your family on your own for the weekend? And tell someone about how you're feeling because they can support you a bit?

Please, please don't feel bad or guilty or like you shouldn't be sharing this with us! Do share! Sure why would we all be jumping on the thread to empathise with you and tell you to get well-deserved help from your GP if we didn't think that where you are right now is very hard and you should be helped to make it better, more bearable and enjoyable for yourself?!

Eye spy dreams what a lovely and genuine post. I can't believe how supportive people are being. We are making steps. I already feel brighter at the thought of speaking with someone and I'll will definitely contact my husbands healthcare scheme and look into counselling. I will call my practice tomorrow and book a double appointment with a good GP. Thank you everyone for your kindness. I am completely overwhelmed and the reassurance and also genuine time strangers are taking to be so so caring.

am glad you feel a teeny bit more positive op

you aren't alone, you are still the person you were before the kids came along, and hopefully with the gp listening to you then you will get better

mine are teens now, but I remember the long groundhog days sooo well, its bloody hard going

please let us know how you get on

oh and we slept in separate beds for years too, it became a habit after a while

Separate beds is definitely a habit. It needs to be broken. I know we have so much love for each other and I am pushing him away.

Anti D's will not turn you in to a zombie - the right ones will make you still feel like you - but you'll sleep better and they will just take the edge off of the depression and give you an improved appetite for life - please see your GP.
Please make an appt asap and feel so so so much better x

Oops clearly couldn't be bothered reading past the title, because anyone with an ounce of decency or humanity would feel nothing but concern for the OP.

Hope you get the treatment and help you require soon.

i understand completely how you feel OP, my DH works 7-7.30, so I basically do it all, my kids are young enough that he comes home as theyre going to bed. (Hes an excellent dad though and loves being with them at the weekend)

i feel like i now NEED to go back to work, but my industry (finance) doesnt have much in the way of part time jobs etc, my husband travels too, so realistically, i cant go back. but i feel like such a drudge. I started prozac few days ago and already feel so much better

OP, just wanted to add my voice to this thread to say that there is no question that your life can get more enjoyable and it's possibly weeks away from that!

I was feeling the same as you a month or so ago. I felt ridiculous going to the GP and mentioning depression but had started having very dark thoughts about whether anyone would actually care if I wasn't here anymore. The only reason I spoke to my partner was because I felt it would be unfair on my child to grow up thinking I hadn't loved him enough to stay alive and not because I recognised that this wasn't a normal way to feel.

It's early days but I've been taking a low dose of anti depressants for a few weeks and I haven't had those dark thoughts again. It's not a magic wand - I still have a long way to go and need to arrange talking therapy as a long term fix as I don't want to be on these pills for the rest of my life but I needed help to feel like myself again.

I'm so happy you posted here and looking forward to your update once you've been to the GP. Please keep posting here in the meantime and let us know how you're getting on.

Thanks everyone. I can't believe I'm not a lone. That others have felt and do feel like me. I felt so desperate to post and felt so ridiculous that I should feel I have it all but I don't. Another day. The sun is out. I'm going to make a real effort to get out today. I will phone my GP and get an appointment. Probably missed today's appointments. My DH stayed home this morning and helped with the children. Thanks everyone. So glad it's sunny

My dh leaves the house around 7.45 and is back by 5 most days

However with Mother's Day on the way he will be working 7-7 for 2 weeks.

They will be a long two weeks

I would not want to leave my DC without a mother. But I know that even if the thought is fleeting in my mind then that is a worry. Even if I don't mean to do anything I shouldn't even think leaving them is a way out

you wont leave them without a mother op, dont worry about that.

you've been having some dark days and dark thoughts, but hopefully anti depressants and some counselling will help

FWIW, coming from an older mum who has been where you are, a small part time job would help you enormously. I know you said it would be hard to get back into your previous career, but sometimes, with kids and a dh working crazy hours, you just have to accept you cant get back in for a while. But working gets you out the house, away from the kids and the never ending chores and its a bonus if you can get a bit of chit chat thrown in. If I was you I'd investigate local childcare, see whats available. Then look at local jobs, they will probably be menial jobs, but maybe 8 hours a week would get you out the house and have an excuse to put on some lippy and brush your hair (I'm talking from experience here..). I know your wage will be swallowed up with paying a childminder, but dont see it as a money thing, see it as a sanity thing (again, that was my experience).
You need out the house, a bit of company, taken out of yourself, just for a wee while. And as the kids grow and get older your life changes again and you can re think that career you gave up and start to make small steps towards getting back in.

Your dh doesnt sound like a bad man, just obsessed with work and he has no idea how mundane being at home all the time with kids can be. Your sil and mil, well forget them, they dont sound great but each to their own.

just to give you a laugh, I did what I said above, got myself a job but it was in town, in a really nice ladies clothes shop, where you had to go in made up to the nines or else you looked a mess....well I have 2 kids like you and a dh who worked shifts and every bloody thing was a rush and a torment.....well one day I went to work after arranging everything at home and leaving a whirlwind behind....so anyway I'm stood in this posh shop, at about 11.30am, and I suddenly realised as I stood there...I had forgot to shower, brush my teeth, wash my face or comb my hair that morning, never mind do anything about make up!! I was mortified, I must have looked like I'd just got out of bed, instead of being up from 6.30am with kids, like you do when they are small....well I just kept smiling and chatting to the customers like it was normal to come to work looking like I'd been put through a hedge backwards.....

I hope this makes you smile, we're all human, none of us are perfect or doing the mothering thing so well we need to sneer at others or pretend its so easy...most of us that have to manage without any helpful family at the end of the road, do so with great difficulty and its all trial and error most of the time...