AIBU to ask if you are a SAHM what time your DH gets home?

[SoMuchPain]

My DH generally leaves the house at 730-8am and is home at 7pm. due to an internal restructure he has to move to a new team. There will be a salary increase that comes with it .

however although it's not totally out of his comfort zone he will have to work longer hours and will also have to visit various sites. Therefore he will have to catch up on other projects in any remaining office time and at home. It does mean he will see the kids less. The weekends are usually ok. We generally get most our laundry done over the weekend but other than that the rest of the house work gets done by me during the week. He's really hands on with the kids when he's around.

I have one school age child and one toddler we keep busy with activities. I sometimes maybe once a month see my friend to visit the cinema. DH family live nearby PILs and SIL. We see very little of them. Maybe a coffee at the weekend. I feel very distant from my DH. When he's home he's tired and sits on the sofa playing games on his phone. We watch the telly sitting on separate sofas. We sleep in separate rooms due to the kids waking in the night. Although we generally have 4 nights of neither waking. If they do wake it's due to illness.

I guess this isn't even about his working hours. I'm feeling increasingly isolated. My family live 150 miles away. I see them once a month. Usually I visit during school holidays. Leaving DH at home. I'm then exhausted because I've taken the kids away and he's essentially getting a holiday and I'm still looking after the kids. AIBU then to feel resentful and isolated? When I return home from my family I hate it- I dread it- mainly because at my family's there are a lot of people to see and it's fun. Here I feel alone. Sorry I'm probably am BU to feel this way.

I'm often angry and frustrated with the children. I feel sad and lonely. I feel I shouldn't dislike my life but I do and I'm sad I'm not enjoying this precious time with my babies.

I would like to go back to my job. But it was long hours and pressurised. I would have to work round my husband which would mean both kids in childcare 5 days a week 730- 630 to accommodate me working. There was no real part-time in my career. I would still have to do everything I do now and work. It doesn't seem possible.

I do not know a solution at the moment.

I feel ur pain, my dp starts at 5am ( up at 3.30am) to goes to bed by 8.30pm, and home most nights 8pm, sumtimes doesn't even come home if caught out (lorry driver).
I feel like a single parent

My friend said her mum felt worse on anti depressants and slept a lot. I don't want to feel like that. I'm so frightened to go to the GP but I feel this fog has to go

I will ask this thread moved to mental
Health board - apologies

Hi I've had my post moved to MH board I hope that's ok. I've started my journey to getting better. I feel a bit out on a limb. I feel quite exposed after my counselling. Doubting myself and who I am.

I think at first antidepressants make you feel a bit crap for a week or too, then they start slowly kicking in and you slowly start to feel a bit more like yourself and a bit more that the whole world isn't on top of you and you can do a little bit more every day. Everyone knows someone who didn't like them but in your situation op I'd definitely try them and give them time to work, they aren't magic pills and it all takes a few months to notice a change, in fact you won't notice it, your dh might notice it first. Hopefully! Men aren't the best at noticing things IME!

anyway, talk to the gp and keep going to counselling

if you have moved this thread, why not ask MN to rename it for you to something a bit more appropriate for where you are now, "Scared to try antidepressants but feel so alone" or something like that, sorry to but in but your thread title now doesnt really affect what you want to discuss

ssd thanks I've requested a change. I feel horrible today. Head hurts. Feel so exhausted after a full nights sleep. Feel like I can't get on top of anything and toddler is so demanding. Feeling so so overwhelmed

MNHQ said they won't change the title - apologies

I wonder why, I know they've edited titles before?

anyway have you phoned the gp yet?

Hi there,

Thanks so much for the report.

In this case, we're afraid we wouldn't be able to edit the title.

As the thread is so far in (lots of posters have joined the discussion) and the opening post is so different from the title you have suggested, we do think that this would cause a bit of confusion and it is best to leave as is.

We're very sorry about this and we really hope you see where we're coming from.

If you need anything else, please do give us a shout.

Best wishes,
Lorna
MNHQ

Not yet ssd I'm meeting some friends to talk through stuff.

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling so low and hope your GP helps.

There are good threads on this board about anti depressant medication.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Only read the first few posts, but they've really resonated with me. I, too, am very lonely and isolated. All of my dc are in school, but I don't work and my dh doesn't want me to.

I often think it'd be nice to work as I'd be able to socialise and maybe have a bit of independence (especially financially), instead of having to rely fully on my dh and his goodwill.

I'm in the same position regarding doing all the childcare and housework, but it's understandable really as I should be contributing something, and I don't really have much else to offer as I'm pretty useless (no up-to-date qualifications).

I get resentful, but he works really hard, and he's too tired to talk to me when he gets home, which is understandable.

I will now read the rest, obviously!

Shameful secrets I feel my DH and I are heading in that direction. But I hope to go back to my old job one day. I am currently not in a good place but want I would say is that in current position my self worth and self esteem are pretty low. Probably like yours?

I'm putting steps in place - although I feel really fuzzy like I'm kind of existing in another world. I also feel like I can understand why people harm themselves due to mental health issues - I can see why people are tormented as I feel trapped in my mind at times. Physically I kind of hold my head and want to squeeze things out of it. My counselling has left me doubting myself at the moment.

I've spoken with 2-3 good friends of mine who I'm going to meet up with.

My daily mentor my mother has gone away for 2 weeks and isn't contactable so that's going to be tough for me.

I don't see why you can't go out and get a job shamefulsecrets? What about volunteering in a local charity shop and you could do like 10-2 or something?

Reading through further (still not finished, but had some thoughts I wanted to get down), we sound more and more alike somuch. I've suffered depression previously, and I'm pretty sure I've got it again, but there's no way I'm going to the doctor. There's too much stigma attached and it can be used against you at a later date (or rather could stop you being able to do something). I spend most of my time indoors on my own. I don't have many friends, and I can't be bothered anyway. I'm not even being a good wife atm, as I'm struggling to do the housework, etc.

Shamefulsecrets you mustn't isolate yourself. The only reason I haven't gone to the GP as I don't want the side affects of the ADs especially the weight gain. I've decided I'm going to see my counsellor we have been gifted a small amount of cash we will use to put my toddler in nursery 2 short days and then I'll go the gym.

I'm absolutely exhausted and I need to tackle this head on - I feel so so so isolated even with friends so I can't imagine how you feel. Please do get out of the house there must be things you can do outside the house?

TBH girls, I know loads of women who have taken or are taking antidepressants, I think these days with the way we live, its more unusual to find mums who havent been on them, at some stage.

Eh, what stigma? Used against you how? I had clinical depression as a teenager and young twenty something and have never as far as I know suffered from a stigma. Anyway, I am so strong and resilient from my now great mental health that I would find it hard to give a fuck! What nonsense! I also have kids and from us both having stellar careers I have given mine up temporarily, but I am just now going back to work part time as frankly it's too difficult and isolating and disrespected to be home full time any more (by society, irritatingly, not by my DH). I also am setting up my own business. You have to be able to say 'what about MY needs? What about MY ambitions? What about MY career?' To yourself, to your DH and to the world in general.

OP as pp say you'd ve hard pressed these days to find a woman who hasn't been on anti depressants at some stage, go to your gp and get help.

PS I lost weight on anti depressants. Please don't say you'd rather be thin than happy!

Thanks eye spy my toddler is so demanding. I am putting in steps now. It's getting that self worth that you deserve something. I've not put my needs in place for a long long time always putting others ahead of me im drained. I think also people know that of me and a couple of people take advantage of that.

I've read the whole thread and identify with so much of what you've written. I've been a SAHM for four years now and it's hard work. I live in a different country from my friends and family, we're rural with not much help (other grandchildren, hobbies and volunteering keep grandparents too busy to help out). Dh just finished junior doctor years and has worked ridiculous hours. We've got three little ones that don't sleep and after four years at home I'm often bored to tears and then feel guilty about it. We've resolved it by me starting full-time work and dh dropping down to two days so that he can look after the kids. I'm hoping we'll both be happier this way. I'd love to work part-time but it isn't really an option while I'm still a junior.

I've been depressed lots of times so identify with a lot of your worries. But I'm also a medic and have seen how much antidepressants have helped people. They are easy to come off and you might find if they help you there might not be a need to comfort eat and you might even lose weight. I'm definitely going on antidepressants if my mood dips again although in the past I've found counselling alone helpful too.

Another thing I've found a massively helpful thing is other mums. I find it quite easy to go and talk to mums in playgroups but then get severe anxiety for days afterwards thinking other mums find me a bit intense and annoying. But I try to just put up with that anxiety and have made some lovely friends as a result. If you do dare to approach people and invite them round for playdates etc you might find like I have that actually quite a lot of SAHMs struggle with similar thoughts and feeling down and lonely. Really hope you'll start getting more of those happy feelings like you did after the counselling. It's certainly not a sign of you being bipolar.

Wow thanks stormy today has been a great day. Which makes me wonder what these freak ups and downs are. I'm still totally exhausted but I've done a fair few things today. Playgroup this morning lunch with a friend and going out this evening with another friend. My toddler has been a bit difficult today. But my DH came home early - I do think he's worried about me. He messaged me today to say he loved me and he's been acting much more loving towards me. I think bit by bit I'm communicating better and coming out of myself. I have another counselling session next week. Perhaps I do need anti-d but I'm feeling much happier but still in the background there is an over riding feeling of sadness.

There's no need to rush into taking antidepressants especially if you're feeling a bit better. I came out of my last depressive episode just with the help of counselling. Your ups and downs could be part of first steps of recovery. Or I'm not always that sure if our feelings always need to be labeled as depression. Tbh I feel like being a SAHM is such hard work that without help it's easy to start feeling fed up. I've had periods where I've felt so down.. dh has hardly been home and when he had he's been tired and stressed out. I've been trying to cope with no sleep, we've all been poorly, it's felt like someone is constantly crying or arguing, everyone has complained about the food I've spent ages making etc. And I think it's pretty normal to feel depressed when it's hard like that. And then there can be weeks where I'm meeting friends loads and at home kids are being happy and playing together, the sun is shining and I'm sipping a cup of tea watching the kids giggling together in their playhouse. And then dh comes home with flowers and says I'm looking beautiful. Again it's quite normal then to feel full of joy. I think staying at home is so intense and emotionally draining. You can have both massive ups and massive downs in one day. One minute you feel like the best mum and you love the kids and then suddenly bang, the terrible guilt is there wagging it's finger telling you what a failure you are as a mother and you are counting the hours to their bedtime. It's just madness isn't it. And at the same time so lovely. But I think us mums do need something else apart from just looking after our families if we want to keep our sanity. I'm so happy to read youve had a better day. Just trust that there will be many more of them.