How am I supposed to keep going?

[SailAwayWithMeHoney]

I was raped by my (now) ex-boyfriend. Many many times, it was just one of the many horrid aspects of the abusive relationship. We go to crown court trial literally in a matter of days for the rapes.
The other day I watched the video interview I did with the police. The one I did when I first reported him. It was the first and last time I've properly spoken about what he did. It was fucking horrible.
Legally I can't discuss the case and can't talk about what happened because it's evidence.

But I have ptsd. I'm reliving everything. I constantly feel sick. I feel so anxious. Slept nearly 12hours on and off last night and still feel exhausted. Everything tastes like shit and I can't stomach anything (I have an eating disorder aswell which flares up when the ptsd does) I have friends messaging me asking how I am but I just don't want to talk to them. I haven't got the words.

Tried to ring rapecrisis last night but couldn't get through. It just rang out 4 times before I gave up.

I need to talk about what happened, I need to process it before the trial. Watching the video interview has bought everything back. There are some bits (incidents) I barely remember and feel like my brain is blocking it. But at the same time I'm assaulted continuously by thoughts and images of other incidents. I can feel everything he did to me. I can feel everything I felt.

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Can't hit breakdown. I'm alone with my 4yo. My mother is coming later and staying the weekend but I can't talk to her. How am I supposed to hold it all together? :(

Today I got the news - my abuser didn't attend court and the order has not been contested. It's finally over

That's great news ! Must be a huge relief. Hopefully you'll hear from the counselling service. X

Massive relief.

You have answered your OP...
You carry on by taking one day at a time.

Now take a mirror and look at the person you see. That person is someone can look the world in the face with pride.

Itsnoteasybeingdifferent thank you 😥

Hoping the therapy service ring me back this week. X

Well I'm at work and not even supposed to have my phone on shop floor let alone make forum posts so a quick one from me today - so, so glad you got your injunction and sending speedy vibes to therapy services for you - don't be afraid to chase them if they're taking ages. Also I'd like to echo itsnoteasy's statement that you are a person to be proud of being (me write english wel gud) - lesser people have been broken by less than you've been through, you're bloody amazing

Great news about the injunction- wonderful. How are you feeling today?

Yesterday was a bad day... didn't sleep very well night before so was just shit (and the flat is a shithole which just makes it so much worse). Keep having flashbacks of the trial and nightmares. Most notable nightmare I dreamt he stood at the end of my front garden and shot me through the hall window (he had a gun when we were together which he used to torture me and terrify me with). My poor brain can't cope with all this.

Feel a little better today. Slept better last night so feel more motivated today. See how I feel when dc goes to preschool this afternoon x

Sail you still not been contacted by the counselling service ? Maybe try and chase them up I think it's ridiculous that you've been left to just crack on by yourself after the trial glad last night was better for you and hope you have a restful night tonight

I can't read your thread due to personal triggers but I want to give you and let you know Samaritans are on 116123 x

Considering abandoning this thread because I'm more sure than not that someone from RL has been reading and/or commenting.

But here goes - an update.
Nothing from counsellors. Massive triggers everywhere for my ptsd - anything relating to a trial or a jury is a trigger now, my neighbours blaring out loud music, just happens to be one of the songs my ex used to rape me too. Always helpful.
Am trying to get back to living a somewhat normal life -
Have gone back on social media. Reconnected with an old friend. Gotten in touch with one of my dcs siblings mothers to get the DCs together. Am going back to doing some voluntary work (one off) for the first time since before the trial.
I've had no issues from him. The injunction is definitely worth its paper. Touch wood.

Christ what a nightmare for you - I promise it's not me. I will even pm you a picture of my gormless face with id to prove if you like. (Can you tell I am haunted by previous stupid remark?) I'm sorry this avenue of support may have been busted for you.

Aw I get you a little bit on the trigger front - people talking about court cases and trials can set me off on a downward spiral of fear and panic too. Is burning down the neighbour's house an option? I'm glad he's staying away, and well done for taking steps to get back to "normal". It might be worth ringing the therapy people to chase it up, I don't know, but I'm a great believer in pester power! Have you heard of emdr and eft? They are trauma processing something-or-others that work by tapping (!) but apparently enable one to leave trauma behind without revisiting it which sounds rather excellent to me. It might be of some use to you. My mum is a counsellor and she was talking about them recently, apparently it's really effective. I wish there was useful stuff I could say that would actually help you.

I hope you'll get a black laugh out of this - I went to my workshop yesterday and we did "worry" - hurrah thought I, this is the section that's going to be good for me. We started out by categorising worries into "practical" and "hypothetical", so far, so good, I can correctly categorise mine as hypothetical (What if they don't believe me, what if he isn't convicted, etc etc). So on then to solutions, and for practical worries we have two nice diagrams of worry trees to help us problem solve and fix the worries so we don't have to worry about them anymore. Mint, very clever, and what about hypotheticals then? Oh, well those you have to 'just let go'. Mindfulness can help, she added. See you next week for sleep! Fucking hell Sail, I thought I might explode with rage. I've got mindfulness coming out of my fucking ears, I'm here because it's NOT HELPING ANYMORE. Cor. Just let go. I tell you. If I had any life savings, I'd bet you them that next week in sleep she's going to tell us to forswear caffeine and electronics for a couple of hours before bed, and go to sleep at the same time every night. You have to laugh, really, I guess?

Oh I know exactly who it is...and no, it's not you isuppose Though a pic of you would be amusing

I'm glad it's not just me...can't even watch Law & Order anymore because it just sets me off. On a proper avoidance now! Can add it back to my list of symptoms. Avoidance.
I live above the neighbour so probably not ;) I just let him crack on - this is the same one that tampered with my camera so I try not to piss him off too much. I've rang the police on him before because he was trying to kick my door in (long while ago now), he's not very nice so again I avoid! Don't do angry confrontational men

I've done tapping before (to tackle the feelings of shame about being raped and dehumanised) and it worked for a little while but then it all came back after he was charged and we went to trial. And now I'm just loopy again. I can't even chase them up...might get the GP or MHSW to do it though! Got the form to anonymously sign the electoral roll, but need to get the police to write me a letter to prove I've fled abuse. Have a laugh. The council housed me from fucking refuge, they already know I fled abuse.

Your workshop sounds akin to hell!! Wtaf?! Just let go?! Well bugger me backwards you're cured I'd take that bet though Isuppose, I really would. I bet you a mumsnet bouquet that's exactly what she's gonna say next week...lay off the caffeine (yeah like right), no techytechy and go to bed at the same time every night. I like my way...mirtazapine an hour before bed and a fuck load of coffee during the day to clear the sedation fog ;)

Ah mate it's all backwards innit. Like you'd go to all that effort just for an anonymous entry on the electoral roll I know there have to be procedures but come on! A little compassion for us traumatised types!

Man I totally feel you on the feeling loopy front. I've been to the docs and been signed off for a couple of weeks because my heads just a mess and I don't have the mental and emotional resources to go to work and be nice to people. Trying to access effective therapy on a tight budget has to be one of the most difficult things you can try and do. I've cracked out the tarot in place of effective therapy

I confess I do lay off the caffeine from about six, it does help me, but give up mumsnetting on my phone at bedtime? To borrow a phrase from the ever-eloquent Scots, she can get tae fuck!

I really wish the sun would come out as well, that'd cheer me up a bit. How's your bathroom plans coming along? Looks like mine has been too excessively tiled to change without major hassle which is a blow so I've turned my attentions to the bedroom instead which is currently a fetching magnolia. I'm thinking red or purple, or maybe a tres 80s pink and grey kind of theme? I have literally no sense of style whatsoever

It certainly is. I'm hoping I can send a copy of my injunction with it instead, much easier for me. Still waiting on therapy ffs.

Was away this weekend, was lovely! Went back to my hometown and caught up with old friends I've not seen since I fled :) bathroom is all done...am tackling the kitchen now!

Ah if you're stuck with tiles check out tile stickers on ebay - cheap and cheerful way to vamp up a room.

Pink and grey look fab together ;) pinterest some ideas lol. Hope you're doing okay. x

Aw thanks I'm alright I'm plodding on as we do x Sounds like a lovely weekend, I'm so pleased you're getting some joy from life.

We were right about caffeine and electronics she also suggested journaling to "put the day to bed" honestly I think it was a fab group for people who are suffering an overload of "normal" stress but they misjudged its suitability for me! I'm being referred on to another group specifically for survivors of csa so I'm hoping that will be more useful. Have you had any news about your therapy starting? I hope it comes through soon. I guess I had this mental picture that once you're done in court they almost immediately hustle you off for intensive trauma repair therapy... guess I was a little naive there!!

Sun's peeping out here today so might get out in the garden which always makes me happy. I want to put in some flowerbeds so might start working towards that - bit less full on than decorating!

Ha how did we know Am glad they're referrring you elsewhere to something hoppefully better suited for you.

I had the same vision tbh, and was promised I'd be processed as an urgent case Am still waiting.
Not doing well today :( reading the local online newspaper for my county and it come up that my prosecutor who lost my case just won a case for someone else. Sounds stupid but I wanna cry.

Oh that sucks I can totally see why. I bet your prosecutor was mad as hell he got off too. Its so frustrating after all the work that goes into getting as far as prosecuting. I wish people had more awareness of how hard it is to get a case like these to court in the first place, I can't help thinking it would help conviction rates.

I really hope they come through soon for you. It's madness that it's not ready to go as soon as trial is over when it takes so bloody long to get to trial in the first place. I was told I'd be called Monday or Tuesday about the next course but naturally, not heard anything yet! Hopefully they'll get in touch reasonably soon because it looks to be inside my working hours so that's going to take some organisation.

I am now in the process of writing my victim statement. What a slog! It's all so unfair isn't it. I'm pre menstrual as well so the anger is coming out too. I managed to get shampoo in my eyes in the shower so having a right old pity party this morning! I'm back in bed while o decide whether to go back to sleep for an hour and hope I wake up in a better mood, or go for a walk and stomp it out a bit. Hope your today is an improvement on yesterday.

MH services are shit.Like properly shit. Looks like we'll both just have to wait...

Ah the victim statement. I feel for you there I know how hard they are to write.

Thinking back I wish I'd said all the things in my victim statement whilst I was on the stand, maybe they'd have understood then. :(
Realised the other day just how damaged I am from the sexual abuse, very much still programmed the way my abuser programmed me. Given up with rape crisis, found the number for a helpline a bit more local to me, might try that tonight.

Hope you're having a better day! x

Still waiting for therapy.

And my neighbour is still kicking off over the light&camera and housing saying it needs to be moved... one of these days I'm gonna roll my eyes so hard they're gonna get stuck.

I dunno if anyone's even still reading this but here goes.

Feel like I'm falling apart. There've been entries on my cctv system showing there's been middle of the night activities on my doorstep, but the files are corrupt and I can't see what's been going on. It could very very easily be a cat, or a moth or something but I'm feeling very on edge about it.
I'm literally waiting for my ex to pop up. Waiting for it. Expecting it.

And my cunt neighbour has kicked off so much that my cctv system may have to come down! Fucking unhappy. And pissed off.