How am I supposed to keep going?

[SailAwayWithMeHoney]

I was raped by my (now) ex-boyfriend. Many many times, it was just one of the many horrid aspects of the abusive relationship. We go to crown court trial literally in a matter of days for the rapes.
The other day I watched the video interview I did with the police. The one I did when I first reported him. It was the first and last time I've properly spoken about what he did. It was fucking horrible.
Legally I can't discuss the case and can't talk about what happened because it's evidence.

But I have ptsd. I'm reliving everything. I constantly feel sick. I feel so anxious. Slept nearly 12hours on and off last night and still feel exhausted. Everything tastes like shit and I can't stomach anything (I have an eating disorder aswell which flares up when the ptsd does) I have friends messaging me asking how I am but I just don't want to talk to them. I haven't got the words.

Tried to ring rapecrisis last night but couldn't get through. It just rang out 4 times before I gave up.

I need to talk about what happened, I need to process it before the trial. Watching the video interview has bought everything back. There are some bits (incidents) I barely remember and feel like my brain is blocking it. But at the same time I'm assaulted continuously by thoughts and images of other incidents. I can feel everything he did to me. I can feel everything I felt.

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Can't hit breakdown. I'm alone with my 4yo. My mother is coming later and staying the weekend but I can't talk to her. How am I supposed to hold it all together? :(

Christ alive I just reread the end of my first paragraph and it sounds a bit sinister like I secretly know you or something - I dont, sorry, it was just meant to be sort of jovial and know-it-all-y

Oh no it didn't at all your follow up made me smile though you reminded me of a friend a bit ha!

Sorry to hear the workshop was a bit shit but you can never have too many notebooks. Especially pretty ones. So at least it wasn't a totally wasted trip?

I'm pretty moderately tattooed so probably more ink and my nails need I fills if I can stretch that far! Feel a little better having picked up DC.

Totally agree regards to the meds. I think the meds don't help because my depressions isn't really a standalone depression, it's a byproduct of my ptsd? So nothing is gonna help until I deal with the root cause?

I read that ADs arnt particularly effective for PTSD (mine just took the edge of my anxiety and helped me sleep) the reason is that the low mood is often due to emotional numbing from the PTSD rather than depression but this is commonly mis diagnosed as it comes accross very similar. So you are not abnormal at all for not finding them especially helpful. Hope you get some trauma therapy soon.

Thank you AnxiousCarer that helps a bit actually.

Definitely helps to know that it's normal for the meds to not have any real affect on the ptsd or my mood. I only still take them because I get terrible insomnia aswell so I don't sleep, and if I do sleep then I just have nightmares. The meds help me sleep and mean I can go back to sleep when I wake in the night with a nightmare. So that's good.

Hi not sure if this will help but a friend has used these breathing exercises and he said that they have helped him so thought I'd share
www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1195

From what I read the emotional numbing is part of the brains protective mechanism. It tries to numb some of the difficult emotions like fear and pain, but also numbs the happyness and other nice emotions. Therefore is often misdiagnosed as depression, but is part of PTSD. For me once the PTSD was treated the mood started to improve. I also felt the longer it went on the more my mood dropped as I was so fed up with the anxiety flashbacks and not being able to lead a normal life. So once those were treated I felt better too. Still massively reccommend the Eye movement integration or EMDR if you can get it.

That makes total sense. I can relate to that a lot actually.

How are you doing Sail?

Still shit - no change there. Going to be a long day today x

Have you had your call yet from the counselling service ?

I have at least another week to wait.

Any joy with rape crisis ? It's shocking how long your having to wait

No. I gave up trying, have no minutes left to keep calling their answer machine

I think some have an email service you can use instead. Would it help you to write it down in an email though ? X

The return hearing for the injunction was this morning. No news yet as to whether he attended or contested the order.

Stressed.

Thinking of you

Sail got everything crossed that it goes through for you. Will you be told today ?

I probably won't hear tonight. Unlikely to hear until Monday at the earliest. Why is this shit always on a fucking Friday?

and thank you

It's shitty if they make you wait till Monday

Really hoping you've received some good news Sail x

Not heard anything.

Hopefully that means it's gone through is there anyone you can call tomorrow to find out ? X

What an incredibly brave remarkable woman you are ❤ you are what makes us women proud , you are still holding up after something so utterly horrible xxx you hold your head up high and show that piece of shit scum what you are made of xxx I soo wish I could be there with you just remember you can talk here anytime with no judgement and no stress to hide anything xx god bless you and keep strong we are all rooting for you 🌹🌹🌹 sending you roses for the love that's in your heart, you can nail this!! Xxx