How am I supposed to keep going?

[SailAwayWithMeHoney]

I was raped by my (now) ex-boyfriend. Many many times, it was just one of the many horrid aspects of the abusive relationship. We go to crown court trial literally in a matter of days for the rapes.
The other day I watched the video interview I did with the police. The one I did when I first reported him. It was the first and last time I've properly spoken about what he did. It was fucking horrible.
Legally I can't discuss the case and can't talk about what happened because it's evidence.

But I have ptsd. I'm reliving everything. I constantly feel sick. I feel so anxious. Slept nearly 12hours on and off last night and still feel exhausted. Everything tastes like shit and I can't stomach anything (I have an eating disorder aswell which flares up when the ptsd does) I have friends messaging me asking how I am but I just don't want to talk to them. I haven't got the words.

Tried to ring rapecrisis last night but couldn't get through. It just rang out 4 times before I gave up.

I need to talk about what happened, I need to process it before the trial. Watching the video interview has bought everything back. There are some bits (incidents) I barely remember and feel like my brain is blocking it. But at the same time I'm assaulted continuously by thoughts and images of other incidents. I can feel everything he did to me. I can feel everything I felt.

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Can't hit breakdown. I'm alone with my 4yo. My mother is coming later and staying the weekend but I can't talk to her. How am I supposed to hold it all together? :(

Just want to send a message of support. You did an amazing and incredibly brave thing, even if the outcome was disappointing to say the least. I hope you can take some solace from the fact that you did the right thing, you told the truth - and that you are a survivor.
Hugs to you and I really hope you get the support you need to start to process everything

Monday again. This has been the longest week.
Health visitor is coming, need to speak to social worker, ISVA and police. Get another safety plan sorted.
All before I go on holiday at 1pm

How did your day go? Hope you got through it ok

Didn't go on holiday. Have cancelled it.
Am getting help with applying for an injunction to keep him away from us. And referring myself back to trauma-focussed therapy.
Electrician came to look at the security system, he thinks it's been tampered with so is going to check the footage. May need a new light/camera thing. Worst possible timing really. If anything was to happen, I wouldn't have the proof of cctv footage.

Sounds like you're taking lots of pro-active steps, Sail. Reaching out to people who can help you. I hope you feel supported. You will get through this

Thank you bluejelly

I'm getting there slowly. Started the process for an injunction.
Have the counselling calling me today to do the referral for therapy. X

Good luck with the counselling. Have you got a good support network i.e. Friends and family to help you ?

I have some amazing friends, I'm very lucky in that respect, and my family are much more supportive now too but I still don't talk to them about how bad my mental health gets.
Hopefully the counselling people will ring me tonight.

Really hope they call you soon. Lean on those friends whilst they may or may not have been in the same boat I'm sure some of them will have suffered with their own mental health at some point. It's great that you've got support just remember it's there and use it as I'm guessing many of them have been on this journey with you they too will be hurting at what's happened. Have you got a date for the injunction? X

Really hope all goes well with the therapy

@sailawaywithmehoney

You are absolutely amazing!! It's times like this you know who your true friends are, I've been on your other thread and I'm so glad you're making the steps towards an injunction.

I've been through similar circumstances and you will get through it all. Plus karma is a massive bitch xx

Thank you all

Queenc you made me tear up a little bit. Not in a horrible way. x

I can only hope that I start getting everything in place and protect myself and my child. I can't get my head around any of what has happened and is going on. Feel heartbroken tbh which is a bit weird.

Won't get the call for therapy until tomorrow now. x

Morning sail sorry to hear you didn't get your phone call yesterday fingers crossed you get it today x

Suggest set up another camera .. very small and discrete.. pointing at the one that was tampered with.

Evidence in a bag is the scumbag is doing something.. Good luck and please keep posting

The electrician is looking at replacing that camera&light system, so hopefully that happens soon. From the footage it looks as though my neighbour may have tampered with it rolls eyes so the ss are getting onto my housing officer as the camera is legally ss property.

There is more that's happened today but am conscious about putting too much on such a public forum. x

Hope you are doing ok. And sorry to hear your neighbour is a prick

I'd hope that once it is replaced he just leaves it alone - especially as ss are onto the housing officer about it. It's not a cheap camera!

I'm coping I think. Was in court this morning, obtaining an injunction. Legally I can't talk much about it.

I missed the therapists call this evening (was on the phone to my bestie) so she's said she'll call in the morning.

My bestie says he wants to take more positive risks like I did with the trial, and be as brave as he thinks I am. That I inspire him to wanna be a better person. Bless him :)

Aw bless him
Sounds like you are coping incredibly well. Well done you

Thank you

Maybe I am made of tough stuff after all. (Don't wanna jinx that though ha!)

It's amazing what we can get through. Of course there are always good days and bad days, but by sharing your feelings and experiences - with your bestie, your therapist, others who you can trust - the good days will become more frequent, and you will get through this, you really will.

You are REALLY tough and brave - not only did you endure what you did but you survived and even did your best to bring that fucker to justice. Now you can thrive and be happy and have the wonderful life you and your child deserve. It will take time of course but it will happen. The worst is over now

Thank you. He'll be served the injunction today and then I hope that is the end of it. I hope he realises that the order has literally no impact on his life unless he breaches it, and just leaves me alone.

Still waiting for the therapy people to phone me...!

That's good news and will give you some comfort knowing that it's in place and with the camera fixed. I hope that ss and the housing officer come down hard on your twat of a neighbour!! Fingers crossed the counselling call comes through today x

Have to wait 2 weeks to get a call from the counsellor.

Really struggling today.

Do you have any friends you can talk to today ? It's shocking that you've got to wait that long