How am I supposed to keep going?

[SailAwayWithMeHoney]

I was raped by my (now) ex-boyfriend. Many many times, it was just one of the many horrid aspects of the abusive relationship. We go to crown court trial literally in a matter of days for the rapes.
The other day I watched the video interview I did with the police. The one I did when I first reported him. It was the first and last time I've properly spoken about what he did. It was fucking horrible.
Legally I can't discuss the case and can't talk about what happened because it's evidence.

But I have ptsd. I'm reliving everything. I constantly feel sick. I feel so anxious. Slept nearly 12hours on and off last night and still feel exhausted. Everything tastes like shit and I can't stomach anything (I have an eating disorder aswell which flares up when the ptsd does) I have friends messaging me asking how I am but I just don't want to talk to them. I haven't got the words.

Tried to ring rapecrisis last night but couldn't get through. It just rang out 4 times before I gave up.

I need to talk about what happened, I need to process it before the trial. Watching the video interview has bought everything back. There are some bits (incidents) I barely remember and feel like my brain is blocking it. But at the same time I'm assaulted continuously by thoughts and images of other incidents. I can feel everything he did to me. I can feel everything I felt.

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Can't hit breakdown. I'm alone with my 4yo. My mother is coming later and staying the weekend but I can't talk to her. How am I supposed to hold it all together? :(

Not really

Surely there's someone supporting you ? I'm sure your friends will be there for you or is it that you just want to talk to someone who isn't close to the situation?

Oh no. Is the counsellor via your GP? I was offered a counsellor via my local rape crisis centre separately to my GP - is that something you could ask for?

No it's a private charity that offers counselling to victims of serious crime.
I only went back to them because I saw a counsellor from their company when I was living in refuge so had their number. Gp would take longer I fear x

Have you tried contacting rape crisis? I was advised to go to them. They probably have waiting lists too and it might be unnecessarily doubling up on what you've already got planned but it might be worth giving them a call anyway - sometimes you feel better just for trying something. I sympathise it's so tough and I find one of the hardest things is that no one around me really gets it - they all try and say the right things but it's not really helpful and while I'm really grateful for their efforts I also sometimes wish I'd just not bothered. At the risk of outing myself as a massive wanker ;) I find yoga and mindfulness and gratitude practise a lot of help. And biscuits. ;)

I tried ringing rape crisis before but couldn't get through. After a while I gave up, I admit that.

I might try again. Just to talk about it.

Isuppose that's exactly it. I don't think that makes you a wanker at all!
Sometime's it's easier to just deal with it alone than risk someone saying the wrong thing, however good their intentions are?

Think I'm at a point now where nothings changed so I don't see the point in talking about it? A friend could message me every day and ask how I am but I'm just shit. So I just don't bother replying because half the time I feel they don't want to know how shit I am all the time?
And then there are the friends I'm having to carry through this. That are so devastated by what's happened and leaning on me to support them and I'm like... sorry to be selfish but he didn't rape you. :(

The sun came out today and it's warmer here. So took my DS to the park with a friend and her DCs. That was nice. Decorating my bathroom too.
Might bake a cake. Still just trying to get through each day tbh

Sail please try and give them another call as it's clear you need to speak to someone who understands what you are currently going through. As for friends I'm sure they are devastated and shocked at what you've endured and how the justice system has failed you. Yet the will be proud of you at your courage and strength. If they are asking are you ok then tell them how you are they wouldn't be asking if they weren't prepared for the answer and if you don't want to talk about what's going on just change the subject to something your comfortable with. No doubt they are struggling to know what to say and don't want to upset you. I'm just a stranger online and I don't even know what to say, just remember they are your friends and true friends will always be there even if they don't know what to say or do

Yes I totally get you. How many times can you have the conversation that goes "How are you?" "Pretty crap really" "Oh I'm sorry..." of course they mean well and care but I dunno, I just come away thinking, well that didn't help anyone!

What are you doing to your bathroom? I was just thinking today that I'd love to change my bathroom, it's blue and white I just find it really cold. Funnily enough I also thought about making banana bread earlier until dd hauled some she'd made at nursery out of her bag - not a lot of bread going on there, mostly just bananas, by the look of it! It looked awful but she was pleased with it

I am so shocked at the jury's verdict. Horrified. Don't they realise how difficult it is to get a prosecution and how convinced the CPS has to be before they'll go ahead? And that woman he's with now... well, I hate to say it but she'll learn the hard way.

Is he the father of your DC?

Isuppose - it's nice to have someone who gets it too
Mine was mostly blue and white too...am doing it a mix of white, hot pink and lime green. Not as horrific as it sounds I promise! What do you want to do to yours?

ImperialBlether - thank you My prosecutor was so sure he'd be found guilty. So sure :(
He and his new partner painted this rosy picture of their wonderful new life, and marriage plans and new baby. No violence in their life. Got fuck all to do with what he did to me but I guess the jury didn't want to seperate a changed man from his new fiance and child for something he did a few years ago :(

Yes, he's the biological father :(

Tbh I just don't understand it. Still.

It doesn't matter if he's suddenly become the next pope. It doesn't fucking change what he did to me.

My friend was on a jury where a guy was accused of raping a woman on a date - he said it was consensual. Her friend works for the court and went mad with her when she said that they found him not guilty because he didn't look the type. She was saying how difficult it is to get the CPS to take a case to court - often not because they don't believe the victim but because they think there'll be a not guilty finding. She said if the CPS are prosecuting a man for rape, they are absolutely convinced he's done it.

How does it work with your children and their dad? Are they allowed to see him?

They all knew he did it. Police, cps, even the court ushers. Just not the jury. For whatever reason they couldn't be 100% sure. I don't even understand it.
He claimed some of the incidences were consensual and others he lied that they never happened.

He's never met my DC. Never even tried. He stalked me and tormented me after I left him. Claimed at trial I've made all this up to stop him seeing DC he's never even tried or wanted to see. He never even met my midwife or came to scans. He would beat and rape me whilst pregnant. At least he's right about one thing, I don't want him anywhere near my DC. :(

God, that's terrible. How on earth has he found someone to believe he's a complete innocent in all this? Awful man.

You've been incredibly strong and brave. People in the court did believe you. It only takes a couple of rape apologists in a jury to get the wrong result. Focus now on getting the best possible life for yourself and your son.

He's a very good liar :(

And thank you Determined

I beleive you. Im so sorry you didn't get the outcome you wanted and that things are so tough for you right now. I never reported my rapes, but I did have rape counselling and it was so helpful. I was referred to them by a domestic violence worker, could one of the professionals you are involved with do the referal rather than you having to self refer? It probably won't speed it up but it takes the pressure off of you needing to make the call. My local rape crisis centre has helpline evenings where you can call to just talk or you can email a dedicated address to just talk, it's not counselling but it's a volunteer listening service. Alternatively maybe samaritans? They have an email service too that I used when supporting a suicidal friend.

Thank you

I had an ISVA who supported me going to court, but now the trials over I don't think I have her anymore. I don't know when I'm next seeing my mental health worker either. But I think the health visitor is coming on Friday.
I've not phoned Samaritans in years, had a bad experience when I did phone them and never tried again. I might try Women's Aid tonight. But do they deal with sexual violence? I know it was part of the domestic abuse&violence on a whole but I dunno if they deal with this?

I'm sure WA can advise. Also try Rape Crisis again as sometimes it takes a few times to get through.
How are you feeling today generally?

I'm okay...I baked a cake and took my DC to see a friend who lives close. Got some fresh air. My body is so tired but I forgot to take my medication so my brain is still too wired to sleep. Really rely on the drowsy-effect from my meds to be able to sleep which worries me a bit because I don't want to become dependent on them?

DC back at preschool tomorrow. So back to normality which I hope does us all some good.

Hope you managed to get some sleep Sail. Great that you got out to see a friend - sounds like you've got a great support network.

I wouldn't worry too much about dependency on medication at the moment. As long as you are following your doctor's advice and using them in the short-term I'm sure you'll be fine.

Best of luck with pre-school today - normality is good

Yes, hope you're feeling rested this morning. Talk to your doctor about the effects of your meds if you're concerned, but hopefully the reliance on the drowsiness is a temporary thing given your stress levels must be through the roof at the moment. Do what you need to do to get through.

I'm off to a "stress and worry" workshop this afternoon and I am raging about it - really resentful of the demands on my time, the need to get dressed even though it's half term, etc etc. It just really fucks me off that I have to do all this shit to stay half sane when I'd much rather be mooching around at home irritating the dogs. Having a real "WHY ME YOU BASTARDS" kind of day! And it's all grey and miserable again here so not even a ray of sunshine to lift the spirits. Grump grump grump

I've read my leaflet in my meds box and it says they're used to treat "major depressive disorders". Well they have zero effect on my mood maybe I'm too fucked up, or on my ptsd symptoms. They just help me sleep because of the drowsy aspect. The drowsy is good which is why I've not asked to change them because when I get really bad I don't sleep. So sleep is good.
Woke up feeling like shit. That's not unusual. Always wake up feeling a bit sedated and groggy.

Good luck at the workshop isuppose. If it helps I understand! Who would actually wanna get dressed and leave the house when the other option is so appealing?

Dunno what I'm going to do today. Got a little bit of money saved up to treat myself but am way too lazy to go into town

Tried to go for a walk as the weather is nice here. Got as far as the end of the road, couldn't tune out the intrusive thoughts, got massively triggered, had a flashback and came home nearly in tears. Wtf is wrong with me 😩

Ahh mate. Here, I'll tell you what's wrong with you - some fucking prick violated and traumatised you to a point where you can't have a nice walk up the road without freaking out. It's all on him. None of this is your fault. Just take it slow and steady - you can get through this and you will get through and you'll be even stronger and more amazing than you already are (true story, don't argue, you are great, I know things, me )

I wonder about meds and that. I mean obviously for some people they clearly work and that's ace, but for people like you and me I wonder if they really do much? Cuz like, are we depressed as such? Or are we just completely justifiably fucked off and angry because of what's been done to us? Not the same is it, or maybe it is, I dunno. If they help you sleep you're getting some value out of them so that's something?

By the way your bathroom plans sound ace, I love the sound of the colour scheme, very cheering. Have you got anything in mind for a treat with your saved up money? I er, accidentally bought some more notebooks while I was out for my (faintly useless) workshop. They've got this gorgeous floral pattern. I am drowning in notebooks tbh. Oh and some cinnamon incense, it smells just like that dentyne chewing gum they used to sell.