I was raped by my (now) ex-boyfriend. Many many times, it was just one of the many horrid aspects of the abusive relationship. We go to crown court trial literally in a matter of days for the rapes.
The other day I watched the video interview I did with the police. The one I did when I first reported him. It was the first and last time I've properly spoken about what he did. It was fucking horrible.
Legally I can't discuss the case and can't talk about what happened because it's evidence.
But I have ptsd. I'm reliving everything. I constantly feel sick. I feel so anxious. Slept nearly 12hours on and off last night and still feel exhausted. Everything tastes like shit and I can't stomach anything (I have an eating disorder aswell which flares up when the ptsd does) I have friends messaging me asking how I am but I just don't want to talk to them. I haven't got the words.
Tried to ring rapecrisis last night but couldn't get through. It just rang out 4 times before I gave up.
I need to talk about what happened, I need to process it before the trial. Watching the video interview has bought everything back. There are some bits (incidents) I barely remember and feel like my brain is blocking it. But at the same time I'm assaulted continuously by thoughts and images of other incidents. I can feel everything he did to me. I can feel everything I felt.
Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Can't hit breakdown. I'm alone with my 4yo. My mother is coming later and staying the weekend but I can't talk to her. How am I supposed to hold it all together? :(