Worried

[notfeelingsogood]

I'm not feeling very good. At all. I don't know what to do. I'm a bit worried. I thought if I came on here it might help distract me and make me feel calmer...

I know no-one can help me. I just can't talk to anyone in real life - no-one knows I feel like this. I don't know how to make this feeling go away.

Thanks, EmilyBronte (you weren't hogging the thread!), I'm so grateful for all the support. I've been thinking about the list but there is nothing I can put on it. I'll keep thinking though.

I didn't mean to worry anyone, I just felt I needed some 'company' & to be occupied. I'm sorry.

Just the right thing to come on here when its a bad spell. Having the chance to let it out with people who really get it can make the world of difference. You can't shake these feelings so don't think you can.

Nothing has a point when you are in the midst of this. I found when I could recognise I was in the middle of a bad bit (and sometimes I didn't realise for a few days) I could fight back by rolling out my coping strategy......as I said earlier by hibernating and doing as little as I could.

I would prepare meals for my then baby dd1, tidy, clean, do laundry etc in the mornings then in the afternoons, collapse and just sit near her, letting tears come whenever. I kind of did that over and over and over everytime I slid. In the beginning I felt everyday was like this and after months and months I would occassionally get a day I felt well enough to take her to see the ducks (and straight back so I didn't have to talk to anyone). Gradually the good bits lengthened.

If you can, think of ways to cope with the worst days. It might be hiding, it might be staying out all day, it might be ready meals, it might be not getting dressed or showered. Its an old line but really - be kind to yourself. Think of ways to make life easier on yourself at these times, every tiny bit makes a difference, however small.

I'm going to link you VVVs piece on this, its lovely........

this one first

and, just in case you haven't seen this, this one second , it had me in tears for all the good reasons. Stay strong and keep posting xxx.

Message withdrawn

How are you today? I meant to check this morning but the computer crashed and then dd woke up and somehow the day got away with me. Have been thinking about you, and wondering what things you could put on that list. Have you thanked someone in a shop today? That makes you a respectful person. Have you thought about a friend or relative today? That makes you a caring person? Has your dc laughed or smiled today? That's because of who you are. You can't write the list because you're in that hole in the meadow, but if you can find one thing to put on it you're a step to climbing out. And read that second thread. I'm still laughing now.

First of all, thank you again for your support and encouragement and for checking back to see how I am.

Today is better, I think, in that I feel less anxious. That may not be a good thing though - the thoughts are still there, now fuelled by lack of sleep and a night on google. I have had time to clarify my thoughts and feel less confused about things.

I have been trying to go out & keep busy as I usually do which does 2 things:

1. it keeps me occupied (and away from the computer)
2. makes me feel more alone, for some reason. However, being around other people means I can?t do anything to myself, which I suppose is a good thing for now, at least.

Thanks for the links Frumpygrumpy ? I haven?t yet read VVVQ?s piece but will put some time aside to do that in a bit. The second link did make me smile. I have been considering a list today, Emily and I guess there are a couple of things I can put down?

I made my friends laugh
DS kissed me for no reason
I made 2 other children giggle

None of that makes me feel any better ? there was one time when it would have done. I just feel empty now. I don?t have a purpose anymore.

All those things say a lot to me. They say that you're a funny person, that you have a connection with people and that there are people who care about you i.e. your friends and your ds. DS kissing you for no reason is just lovely - he just sees his wonderful mum, not someone who feels this terrible. The VVV thread might help. All I can say more is here's a very big hug, and add something else to the list: total strangers like me enough to want to help.

Maybe you're right, EB. I just don't feel it.

I'm so sick of this treadmill - getting up everyday and doing what I should do only because I have to. My heart isn't in it & I don't want to do it anymore. I haven't got the energy to keep pretending.

I haven't been around for a week. How's things? Any more sleep?

Oh frumpygrumpy, thank you so much for coming back to see how I am. I wish I could tell you that everything is ok now.

The truth is, I'm not great but am still here.

I can't sleep, I want to die and I can't.

Sweetheart......when I first felt really low (even now I can hardly bear to admit to myself I was depressed) I just wanted to hide from the world. I did. As much as I could and it was my way of coping. Can you find a way that gets you through? Would hiding be an option? For a little while? Would changing ADs be a good idea? Does your counsellor have any thoughts about how to get through spells like this?

How often to you see your counsellor?

I felt low for 2 years after the birth of my first child and then felt fine. Then I had my twins and it didn't hit me straightaway but about 5 months down the line and again, stayed a while. But I did come through the other end.

I don't forget the feelings though. And I understand how desperate and mundane life can feel.

I did read a good book called At Home No-One Hears You Scream, Cara Aitken. I'll try to link it to you later (I'm running out the door now). It was the first thing that made me realise other people out there felt exactly like I did.

Set yourself a small list of 3 simple things to achieve each day. Like, (1) shower and put on clean clothes and makeup, (2) make one room tidy (your bedroom is a good one as its one you can retreat to later) and if you feel like it, chuck in a vase of fresh flowers for yourself and a picture of you and your child in a happy moment, (3) eat one healthy meal...... and a pile of crap if you need it.

Stay strong. It is a lonely path but you will make it to the end xxx.

THINKING OF YOU : ) anyone who say's they have never felt like your feeling is a total bullxxxxer chick.
Life is a struggle day in day out. here's one for ya
" i met a guy after 6 years on my own, throught he was the one gave up my home and moved all the way to canada only to find he wasn't. now i'm back home with my parents for the first time in 15 years, kids in toe"
Every day i ask myself wot was i thinking, who am i, how the hell did i get here. But the fact is that life is just like that. wrongs and rights.

I'm not saying get use to it, but just get angry at it, if life deals you a hard hand don't worry, just stride on. i can asure you that everyone else thinks their life is shit to even if they don't say so. chin up chick. we're with ya.

hi notfeelingsogood,

i'm really sorry that things are so black and horrible for you.

but, i wanted to actually thank you for posting because your words and the words of others have given me an insight that i sorely needed.

my dh has been suffering major depression for 18 months and mostly lives at his mothers.

i have struggled to really understand what is happening to him. i try very hard to be supportive but it's very difficult sometimes.

your words of being on a treadmill, not wanting to feel like you do, having no alternative, the anxiety, not being able to find anything to feel good about, entertaining children etc but not finding any joy in that.........

this is the sort of thing my dh says. he says he's in a downward spiral, a pattern he is doomed to repeat, a cycle he can't break.

he's on his 2nd psychiatrist, 2nd cbt therapist and 2nd type of AD. it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I wish he had a resource like MumsNet so he could realise this is not his fault, that he is ill and that he's not alone. So that he could get the support that MN offers.

Sorry, I've hijacked your thread but I just wanted to say thanks for opening up this thread.

You will come thru this, it's baby steps but there are better times ahead for you and for my dh.

It's darkest just before the dawn.

big hugs
((((((x)))))

Hope you are feeling a little better today. I went on ADs 2 years ago and still on them. As everyone will say they take a while to make you feel better, but you will feel better, just keep on talking to others and you will never feel alone.

Thank you all for your messages.

I'm glad this helped you Paddlechick - can you show this thread to your DH to show him he's not alone? I really feel for him and know it must be awful for you. I'm so sorry.

Not really sure what to say now. I am very grateful for all the encouragement. I like the idea of flowers and a photo, frumpygrumpy - I must do that.

this is an easy read and amazon deliver quite quickly

You don't have to talk or update us, just know that your thread is open and when you need to, we'll listen.

Keep challenging your feelings, don't make it easy for them. Sometimes the thing you least want to do is the thing you need the most.

frumpygrumpy can i adopt you for a mum ?

every home need one of you

NOTFEELINGSOGOOD just popped in to see how you are ? stay linked we're thinking of you xxx

What a sweet thing to say! Thank you for that

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Sorry - thank you for checking on me - I kept away from this because I've been up and down - I thought that by focussing on other things I'd be ok. But I'm not.

I'm really not. I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't do this. I don't even want to do this. I want to sleep and never get up again. But I don't know how to. I can't go on like this.

Honey, I just read this and am so upset that you're back here again. Please know that the world needs people like you in it. Where would we all be if you did go to sleep and never woke up? For starters I wouldn't have someone to email and check up on now and again, and speak to when I'm feeling low. You're there for other people as well -I've seen it and experienced it, and they are the better for it. You're right - you can't go on like this. Is there anyone who can pick you up in person rather than virtually? Will email you xx

I'm so sorry to have worried you. I am ok. Sort of...

I will email you, but just wanted to let you know I am still here.

Thank you for caring.

x