I'm sorry.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I used to be a member here but I deleted when all the Jeffrey stuff happened. I'm so sorry for making a new account.

I don't know how to be okay with myself anymore. I despise everything about myself and I just want to be dead.

I have crippling anxiety - I can't use the phone, or leave the house on my own - and I have literally nothing in my life (no children so don't worry about anyone being dependent on me). I just want to die, my life is literally worthless.

Every day when I wake up, I wish that I hadn't. I don't want this anymore. I've emailed Samaritans in the past and it's not something that works for me. There is nothing out there for me. I don't know what else could help, my life is just empty and nothing and I want it over.

No idea why I am posting but people here have been so supportive in the past so I'm so sorry but I am asking for more of the same even though I am nothing and I don't deserve it.

I'm really not lovely, but thank you for saying that.

I think you keep coming back for a few potential reasons:

• You feel obligated to now that you've started.
• You feel sorry for me.
• You're kind, lovely people and you genuinely care even though I am a worthless waste of space.

I appreciate it but I don't deserve it.

None f those things, I promise.

How's your ankle?

OP I apologise if I'm being intrusive, or if it's already been asked, but has there been a significant event in your life that triggered the start of those feelings?

It's so hard to pull yourself out of a place if you can't understand why you're there to begin with. I have some knowledge of mental health issues, albeit somewhat limited.

I really genuinely hope you get the happiness you deserve, because I skimmed through this thread with such a heavy heart that someone could feel this way and I'm unable to reach out and help

The ankle is a little better, slightly less swollen and not that painful. It's managed every scheduled run so I'm classing it as healed now. I've damaged both ankles and my knees lots of times (mostly from passing out on the treadmill, ha) and they always sort themselves out.

Flower - No initial trigger that I know of for the depression/self harm. There were a couple of things that I think contributed to the anxiety developing but that was years later, so obviously wasn't what started everything off.

Thank you both for replying, and for the kind words. I feel like a huge liar when people are nice to me, because I just don't deserve it at all.

It makes me very sad to read this. My sister has been in and out of a mental health unit. Tried to take her own life several times (the last was the most serious, in a coma for a week). Diagnosed as bi-polar which was later changed to borderline personality disorder.

I really think you should open up to your mum, from being on the other side of this, I can guarantee you that she'd do everything in her power to help you. Hell, I don't even know you and I wish there was more that I could do!

And don't ever say that you don't deserve kindness, everyone deserves kindness! Especially if they're feeling like this, it's needed more than ever!

I'm sorry about your sister, I really hope she's doing better now and is getting the help she needs.

I completely understand why people would think that talking to my mum is a good idea, but we just don't have that type of relationship (nor do I want to). I love her, we get on well for the most part and she is invaluable with helping me do things that the anxiety would otherwise prevent. I cannot bear the thought of her knowing anything more personal than she already knows though. Literally, the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

Thank you for saying that I deserve kindness. I can't agree but thank you very much for saying it anyway.

Have you maybe thought about the ASD spectrum...? I know it seems like a strange suggestion, but I noted down this thread that you mentioned not deviating away from routine as it causes anxiety.. And anxiety and depression can also go hand in hand with being on the spectrum?

I've thought about it a little, but the routines thing only really started in the last couple of years, I was nothing like this as a child. As the anxiety and OCD have worsened, so has the need for routine, so I think it's more symptomatic of anxiety than anything else. I could be completely wrong obviously, but I would have thought that I would have had ASD signs in childhood?

The exercising routine is probably more of an ED relapse than anything else. I'm not really ready to admit to it though, so let's not class it as that.

I would agree with IAm on this one. When I was having my issues (for many years) my mother would have been the last person I would have shared my feelings with.
And this difficulty caused me considerable pain and a feeling of separation. I'd plenty of times go to explain how I felt to my mother or my sister, but then like a big chasm would open up and it would be impossible. And then I'd feel worse.
Because our family and friends are the ones we care about most, so in some ways it makes sense to our brains to not appear vulnerable in front of them/to them.
From evolutionary theory, animals that appear vulnerable in the herd can get eaten or they can attract predators to their social group. That's my analysis of why it is so difficult. It's because we care so much. But of course, humans just feel vulnerable or we can feel we are different, but this doesn't mean we actually are a danger to anyone. We just get this instinct to withdraw and not disclose how we are feeling. Because we are loving people who have an instinct to protect those we love. However, then the withdrawing makes us more isolated and then that doesn't feel nice and our minds create a meaning about that.
So it is in fact easiest at first (I found) to open up to others who have the same issues as yourself (if it is a safe to do so of course). And slowly widen the circle.
Sometimes our close family just want us 'fixed' and they keep offering advice on how to 'fix' ourselves...'why don't you do this' or 'do you know what you need to do' etc. Their desire to protect us from emotional pain sometimes means they can't offer objective advice or accept us as we are. And of course the apples don't fall far from the trees. If our parents were serial emotional avoiders then chances are their offspring will be like that too. That's my 2 cents worth for a Friday evening.

Sadie I think you've summed it up fantastically.

OP I don't agree with your UN because honestly I think you're the total opposite!

Glad your ankle is feeling better! I so wish I had your get up and go in regards to fitness, even half of it. Although the thought of you fainting because of it is very worrying.

Thank you both.

Sadie - You're so right, it would definitely make me feel vulnerable to disclose so much to my mum. It's partly to protect her, but partly to protect myself as well. Once I'd told her, I could never 'un-tell' her. I would always be thinking "What does she really think of me?" I just don't feel safe letting people really know me. I much prefer feeling separate to people, I don't really get lonely and I'm happier not having friendships/close relationships.

Pirate - The fainting isn't a big deal, it's just too much exercise on too little food. I'd be very surprised if there was a medical issue behind it. The get up and go is because I can't cope with how much I hate myself I don't do it. In a way, it's kind of a form of self harm. It's just something I have to do, and not doing it isn't an option.

Sorry for going on still. I don't feel okay tonight.

Really sorry I wasn't there for you last night Hun. I was fast asleep.

Hope you're feeling better this morning.

So how much distance wise, do you run per day?.

And I'm also wondering what on earth you've done wrong to make you punish yourself so! Xx

You don't need to apologise for being asleep! I'm sorry for being pathetic. Nights are always harder than the day time, I think it's because it's so much quieter and my mind just has the opportunity to run away with itself.

I don't really go by distance when I run, because I don't trust the calculator on the treadmill (it's ancient). I do 4 hours a day running, split up into 4 one-hour segments.

I don't really know what I've done wrong. I just know that I hate myself, and I always have done. Thank you so much for replying to me again, I hope you're enjoying your Saturday.

Have you ever been to church? God totally love you- he loves everyone, Whatever we feel about ourselves, he looks at our heart and knows exactly how we are feeling.
Find God- he brings the most amazing peace to life.
You are Loved.

Soap - It is very tiring. I do strength training/pilates type things as well, but it's the running which wears me out. I don't feel like I can reduce it though, and to be honest, it stops me thinking so much. I'm focused on running, and on keeping my feet on the treadmill (well, mostly, as I do get jelly legs sometimes and come off it!), and on keeping breathing, that there's no space in my head for anything else. I have to have a certain calorie deficit and the running helps hit that. Thank you for replying to me again.

Cheeky - Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. I'm atheist, so church/God isn't for me, but thank you anyway.

You're not pathetic, believe me!.

I know what you mean by nights are worse. Your mind seems to run away with itself because it's all quiet. Have you tried listening to the radio?.

I'm getting rid of my cycle/walking machine thing as its sat there collecting dust. Honestly don't know where you find the energy! Especially since you're a bad sleeper!

Will you take my word that I like you? You seem nice :).

Hello IAmAHorriblePerson, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you all the very very best OP, sending much love and unMNetty hugs your way.

I hope the post from mnhq hasn't worried you.

Hope your run has been ok. I'm off to bed soon as I've got a headache but will send a message here in the morning :).

And I hope you don't spend too long in your head, thinking. Good night X

I'm so embarrassed that HQ had to post here. I'm so sorry. I feel like a total dick.

Thank you all so much for all your support, I am really so sorry.

Don't be, they are just doing what they think is right.

Anyway, how are you today X

Please don't be sorry, and you're not a dick X

OP, I can't 'help' but I just wanted to say you're not a dick, not worthless or any of the hateful things you say. Your mum loves you. That means there's a love to love about you. You can't see it but there is.

You are not stupid. You write a damn sight better than a lot of posters. You are engaging.

My best friend of 20 years has had depression all his life. In the time be known him he's attempted suicide twice. He has periods in his life that he can feel hopeful, but they last 6 months or so then a bout of severe depression follows. Like you, he's been on every med going and itching helps. He never even been offered proper counselling. Well, he did see a CBT therapist fit one session once who seemed to be asking him to find the positive in everything. He came out thinking "well, if I could go that I wouldn't be here!". He's currently going through the worst period of depression I've ever seen - 18 months and counting. I was so worried the other day because he didn't answer his texts, mobile or email for 2 days that I went round with my spare key!! Luckily he was ok.

Not sure why I'm telling you this. I think I can feel your despair. I love my friend, totally. I think he's amazing. I'm sure there's amazing things in you too. One day you may see one or find one. Here's hoping x