I'm sorry.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I used to be a member here but I deleted when all the Jeffrey stuff happened. I'm so sorry for making a new account.

I don't know how to be okay with myself anymore. I despise everything about myself and I just want to be dead.

I have crippling anxiety - I can't use the phone, or leave the house on my own - and I have literally nothing in my life (no children so don't worry about anyone being dependent on me). I just want to die, my life is literally worthless.

Every day when I wake up, I wish that I hadn't. I don't want this anymore. I've emailed Samaritans in the past and it's not something that works for me. There is nothing out there for me. I don't know what else could help, my life is just empty and nothing and I want it over.

No idea why I am posting but people here have been so supportive in the past so I'm so sorry but I am asking for more of the same even though I am nothing and I don't deserve it.

Thank you both.

I'm so sorry to be rude AuntyElle, but I can't agree that my thinking isn't accurate. These aren't new thoughts and to be honest, I feel like it would be lying to try to convince myself otherwise. I am sorry, I don't mean that you're wrong at all but I think I'm giving out a completely different impression on here than is actually true.

I hadn't heard of Elefriends Soap, thank you for telling me about it.

I honestly don't think that how I feel about myself is related to depression. I've never liked myself. I've never thought I was particularly worth anything, but at least when I was at school, I thought I had potential. I don't know. I feel like I'd be trying to say that what I've thought my entire life is wrong and that feels huge and I just don't think I can do it. I hate literally everything about myself and I don't feel like I can change that. I can't explain it properly. I'm really sorry.

What you write makes sense, but you are not all that unusual in thinking like that. I have argued the toss with therapists that my negative view of myself and the world is right, however painful and limiting it is. But on some level I can accept that I am not being objective, I am depressed - this is how depressed people think and talk. Rigid thinking is also characteristic of depression.
I agree that to begin to accept that your view of yourself is perhaps not accurate is challenging! But it can also be very freeing.
That you've felt like this for a long time just suggests longterm depression/self-esteem issues. Over time we can become very fused with our symptoms so that they feel like our character rather than an illness.
If you see this self-hatred and these thoughts as separate to yourself ie a MH issue, and not part of your character then improvement is possible. That also might be scary at first...

I can vouch for what others saying: it is depression causing these thoughts. I was convinced I was broken/rotten/whatever. My psychiatrist explained it quite convincingly to me about how thought patterns are changed & you become so used to it you can't see it any other way. I have a scientific background so I was very cynical but she went into the brain chemistry aspects of it & evidence of how treatment works. To be honest though, I still believe a lot of the negative stuff but now I am not so consumed by it & it doesn't fill my thoughts constantly so that I can get on with things most of time, albeit in a much reduced capacity to what I think a "normal" person does, eg I can't work.

As mentioned you should definitely get your meds reviewed by a psych. Also, have you broached the privacy issue with a psych before? That seems to be the sticking point as it is blocking you from accessing therapy that - along with meds - is the conventional approach to MH issues, as it does provide improvement to the vast majority who try it so could well work for you, if a psych can work out a suitable approach. I had been avoiding meds for decades but had got to the point where it was try that or somehow continue in a living hell that I was too cowardly & incompetent to get myself out of.

The suggestions of doing things you enjoy on here are well-meaning but it sounds like you are too depressed for that sort of thing, as I was: I couldn't enjoy anything, couldn't remember ever having had fun &certainly couldn't imagine ever doing so in future. I recall that the relief of going to the loo after bursting for a wee was the only thing close to pleasure I felt You don't want to be as tragic as that!

Thank you all so much. You've all been so lovely to me, and it's really so kind.

I'm so sorry that so many of you have been struggling so much as well, but very glad that you've found things that are helping, even if only a little.

I will ask my GP about having a psych review my meds the next time that I'm there. I've told therapists in the past that I'm not comfortable talking about personal things, and the response is usually "Well, I can't really do much to help you then" which is obviously fair. They can't work with a closed book, especially when there are lists of people waiting to access therapy. I feel horrible about taking up a space when someone else could be benefiting from it. I don't want to ever be anyone's priority.

I'm really sorry for not replying to everyone individually, especially when you've all spent so much time talking to me. I've read everything and I appreciate it very much. I don't know what else to say, but thank you.

Hello sweet pea, how are you doing?

Also, you deserve to be someone's priority!

Thank you Pirate, that's a really lovely thing to say.

Today is not great. Fell off my treadmill in the night and my ankle is being a total drama queen over it, and has swollen up. I've iced it and had it elevated, but I have to get back on it now especially as I have time to make back up.

Everything is such a huge effort. I do the things that I have to do, because otherwise the anxiety is overwhelming, but all I want to do is lie in bed. I want to sleep but every time I lie down, I'm wide awake again. I could cry over it, that's how pathetic it is.

Hi IAm, sorry about your ankle. Your mind certainly has you on the go in a relentless fashion, from the sounds of it. You are a trier.
Sorry to hear that therapists gave you the 'oh well nothing I can do then' answer. I once got kicked out of state services by a speech therapist and a psychologist after some months because they said I had other problems they didn't have solutions for. I am a person who stutters (ouch, over-disclosure alert!) and hid and was in denial about that from people for many years since I was a small child.
I am bloody fine now two fingers to those ladies.
That sort of thing can set you back years, because the people who are supposed to help you, tell you they can't help you...unless you do what they say. And if you find you can't do what they say, they have no solution for that. Then you feel unhelpable.
However, I have a book suggestion for you. Acceptance & Commitment Therapy is a type of therapy that helped me enormously and changed my life. You could be a closed book AND hold on to your ideas about yourself, AND still move forward in your life. It just looks at human suffering in a different way, that a person can work with.
You may not feel up to reading a book at the minute but maybe you might at some point in the future you might come across it. Or it might be useful to someone else reading this forum.
Someone else I suggested it to gave it up half way through. Another person I know found is extremely useful also. So maybe it’s not for everyone. You sound in a fairly stuck place and I would like to try to help.
I don't usually suggest this book because its a fairly hefty book and quite academic. However as you said you had already done some graded exposure, which showed you had been willing to try stuff in the past.
What I found is that because I was so used to feeling ashamed of myself, when I started to choose to do stuff and bring the feelings with me instead of trying to get rid of them first, that it wasn't as bad as I thought. Because I couldn't really feel any worse. Then I realised there is only so shit you can feel.
So a person may as well do useful stuff or move towards people they care about while feeling shit rather than trying to make the shit feeling go away first.
And ACT helps to undo the iron clad bond we sometimes have with negative evaluations of ourselves. It is a form of cognitive therapy but there are unique and refreshing differences to CBT.
It's based on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy or 'ACT' as it's called - it's a workbook.
www.bookdepository.com/Get-Out-Your-Mind-into-Your-Life-Steven-C-Hayes/9781572244252
Maybe there is a small part of you that would like to continue to find a solution.
I did ordinary counselling and taught myself this at the same time. When trying to find a solution it is helpful to have several avenues of support on the go at once and try to leverage between them yourself because you are the expert on you at the end of the day. If you can come closer to a point where you can viewing yourself objectively from a flexible viewpoint and not just from a very limited from the inside out.
So you could have a self help book, then also be contributing to online forums - not just the 'trying to be a good person/I need to fix myself' stuff but also light hearted online forums that might discuss TV programmes, music etc. Because that's important too. To have a connection with people in some form and just for fun too. Coronation St and a cup of tea, there is a lot to be said for that - it is a support system in itself for example. And our minds loves a pattern, so it does.
I admire you because I know how hard it can be to be in a stuck place. And to feel that you are doing it 'to' yourself is even harder. Because then it seems logical to expect that you should be able to change things ourselves however that is not the case. Support of all kinds are helpful, at least for me anyway.
Sorry for the offload, hope I haven't put further pressure on you. It's just a suggestion of what helped me.

Are you sure you've not done more damage to it than a sprain?.

It's frustrating not being able to sleep when you want to, but good on you for not staying in bed, you're fighting back. I know it's exhausting (just been put back on antidepressants myself) but you have people who care about you.

I know I'm hoping you get well :)

Thank you both for replying.

Sadie - It's definitely set me back having therapists tell me they can't help me. I mean, I never expected miracles but it felt like I was just being ditched and it was really tough to deal with. I don't trust people and this really compounded that.

Thank you for the book recommendation, I'm really glad that you found something that worked for you. I'm not really in a place at the minute where I feel like I could try it, but I will save the link and have a look at it when things feel a bit easier. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that for me.

Pirate - No idea what I've done to the ankle, it's still swollen but it's made it through all my runs so far today so I can't have done too much damage. I know I can't just stay in bed, I absolutely have to stick to a certain exercise routine, and I have cleaning that has to be done everyday. I can't let myself relax, because then I overthink, and the anxiety just ramps up. Thank you for being so kind to me.

Of course. How was your day?

It's been ok, nothing different to the usual really. I have a daily routine and tbh, so long as I don't deviate from it, things are manageable. I'm very glad my ankle's held up all day, and now it only has one more run to go and it can stop it's whining and rest until the morning.

I hope your day has been good, thank you for asking after me.

My day has been good. Going to take the little one out for a few hours today :).

How's your ankle?

Have a great time with your DC, I hope the weather stays nice for you both.

The ankle has got a bit worse overnight but I think that's just because it's seized up from being rested. It's still swollen and painful but I can walk on it without it giving way, and if I can walk then I can run so there's not a problem.

I'm going to stop posting, because I know I'm being a burden and a nuisance now. Everyone has been so kind giving up so much time talking to me, and I am now going to stop taking advantage of people's good natures.

I will ask about seeing a psychiatrist for a meds review the next time I'm at the GP, thank you to everyone who suggested that.

I'm really sorry for taking up so much of everyone's time, and being so bloody useless. You're all lovely. Thank you.

You're not a burden! I enjoy talking to you.

We ended up just going to the park for 20 mins but both now have sunburn. I've got a parcel coming so wanna be around for it!.

I admire your work out ethic, wish I had your get up and go! But you be careful on that ankle!! Xx

Yes Iam please go easy on the ankle - go slow now to go faster later. I enjoy creating answers and posting here to people so it is definitely not a burden - I can tend to unburden myself also so it works both ways! It is swings and roundabouts. Hope the day shapes up okay for you...

Hello, how are you doing today? Xx

I think some people who respond on the MH topic have experienced similar and you can become a bit evangelical once you've undergone an improvement. After being so polarised & convinced you can't be helped it's like seeing the light! I wished I'd pushed myself further & much earlier on to get some relief & not wasted so much time.

In my case it was the pysch that oversaw the treatment programme so when you get your meds review appt could you discuss the opening-up issue & possible approaches? It's really not on for therapists to let this dead-end kind of situation persist. The conventional idea is of course that the right meds will make you feel able to tolerate therapy.

Other than that maybe you could come round to the idea of therapy because the alternative is to keep struggling on so unhappily & if nothing changes, nothing changes, as they say.

You are certainly not a burden, I enjoy reading your thread- you have a lovely conversational style to your writing. I haven't posted more because my stupid phone is incredibly frustrating and makes me want to smash it. I'm studying intentional peer support at the moment and a key principle is the reciprocal and mutual nature of the relationship. Traditional psychiatry is based around a very different relationship with a huge power imbalance. Not only can this be unhelpful but also retraumatising for people. Peer work recognises that everyone has something to give, that in partnership people can move forward together and that the very notion of giving help is healing. You posting here does not feel like a burden, not one little bit. The idea of connecting with someone who has similar experiences to me is really important. I hope you do keep posting. X

I don't know if you're still reading this but I hope you do respond. You seem like a lovely person and we do like talking to you.

You are all so kind. Too kind really.

I wasn't going to post again (since I said I wouldn't), but I got an e-mail notification of a post on here, and I felt so rude not at least acknowledging that you'd all taken the time to post.

I don't really think I have anything else to say though. I've bleated on, and since nothing ever really changes for me, I don't really have anything new to say now. I feel really guilty for posting at all. I'm not comfortable having 'normal' conversations, I just don't know how to do it and it makes me feel really awkward.

Thank you all so much for thinking of me, and I am truly sorry for going on so much, and for coming back when I said I wouldn't and still whinging on about nothing. I'm really sorry.

Don't be sorry. You sound like a lovely person :). Why do you think we keep coming back?.