I'm sorry.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I used to be a member here but I deleted when all the Jeffrey stuff happened. I'm so sorry for making a new account.

I don't know how to be okay with myself anymore. I despise everything about myself and I just want to be dead.

I have crippling anxiety - I can't use the phone, or leave the house on my own - and I have literally nothing in my life (no children so don't worry about anyone being dependent on me). I just want to die, my life is literally worthless.

Every day when I wake up, I wish that I hadn't. I don't want this anymore. I've emailed Samaritans in the past and it's not something that works for me. There is nothing out there for me. I don't know what else could help, my life is just empty and nothing and I want it over.

No idea why I am posting but people here have been so supportive in the past so I'm so sorry but I am asking for more of the same even though I am nothing and I don't deserve it.

Just wanted to see how you're doing. Hope you're ok

Thank you all so much, I don't know why anyone would think I was caring when I'm so self-obsessed but it's very kind of you to say.

Pirate - I used to like reading but I struggle now to really engage with it. I forget what I've read, or I just can't be bothered to care about the characters. It just seems like an uphill struggle for something that should have been enjoyable. I know that most people like having friendships, but I just don't enjoy being around people. I find it really draining, and honestly, I'm kind of glad that I don't have friends anymore.

Lisa - I do take Vitamin D, I take quite a few supplements since my diet isn't really the best. I have a small yard, but I can't go into it because I'm too scared of neighbours seeing me.

Nights are always so hard. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to talk to me, though I think I've run out of things to say. Everything I say is so pathetic and self-pitying and I know I need to do something about it, but it seems impossible. I just want out. I'm sorry for going on so much.

Please don't apologise, there really is no need. Your distress is palpable in what you write and you really do deserve nothing but kindness and compassion. I know the pain feels overwhelming and you sound so desperate but it can pass and it will. My life has been dominated by psychiatric services but I have hope that it can get better. Has therapy helped in anyway? Do you have a sense of why you feel the way you do? When I began to understand my difficulties in the context of my past it has really helped me to move forward. I hope you are able to find some peace tonight and get some sleep. I am listening if you want to talk.

Just had a thought, would you like a pet? Maybe you don't love yourself but caring for an animal and showing an unloved animal can it can be loved may also make you feel better about yourself.

You'll have someone else to care for, who if you treat them right, will show you love :) xx

Can you ring the samaritans? That wouldn't require you to tell anyone who you were.

You are caring and considerate. Even in this bad time you've asked others how they are. I think that says a lot about you.

Please call samaritans or a crisis number if you can manage that.

God this is going to sound so trite but have you considered getting a pet? Something to take your mind off hating yourself?

You are not worthless and you sound like you would have alot to offer.You are clearly intelligent and compassionate.

please ignore this if it sounds awful but i just want to help. x

spectacular cross posts with pirate

Thank you all again, so much, for posting.

Howcan - I'm sorry you've felt so awful too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Therapy has never helped me, it makes me feel paranoid and unsafe. I've never had long courses of it though because I find it so impossible to open up that the therapist/counsellor has to move on to another client who IS able to talk. I'm really glad that it's helped you though; I know that the problem is me, not the therapists. I can think of a trigger point for the anxiety starting, but it's snowballed for no reason. I'd already had MH problems for 5 years prior to that too, with no trigger.

Pirate - I'm conflicted on pets. On one hand, I love animals and would love to look after one. On the other, having pets in the past has really added to my anxiety - I worry that I'm not looking after them properly, that they're ill, that they're going to get hurt, that the house will catch fire and they'll die. I also struggle massively when they die. At the minute, I don't think I could cope with adding to my current level of anxiety, plus I don't really have the funds or space for anything larger than a hamster and I'm not a huge fan of them. It's a really nice idea though, thank you for thinking of it.

Runswick - I can't use the phone at all, except to call my mum. I've emailed the Samaritans in the past and found it really frustrating because they just kept repeating back to me what I'd said. I think I was explaining things poorly but I couldn't think how else to word it. I don't have access to a crisis team or anything like that, I'm sorry for being so useless. Thank you for the suggestions.

I don't really know what else to say. Everything feels really grey and bleak this morning.

Sorry LEM, I cross-posted with you. Thank you very much for replying, it doesn't sound awful at all. Pets are wonderful but just not something that I think I could manage to cope with, I know how being responsible for something affects my anxiety. I'm sorry for rubbishing everyone's suggestions, I really don't mean to.

Soap - I have telephobia, I can't use the phone. I'm really sorry, I know this sounds rude, but I genuinely can't do it. I freeze when I'm typing the number in, and I can't breathe or speak into the receiver. I haven't made a phone call other than to my mum in years, and I sometimes have panic attacks trying to call her (usually we text) because the phone just terrifies me.

I know it makes me sound really stupid and useless, and I am sorry. The telephone is just this huge, huge anxiety thing for me and I don't even know why. Just thinking about it right now is making me panic, which is so fucking ridiculous. I am ridiculous.

OP, you don't sound useless and pathetic. I rarely use the telephone either. My husband doesn't get it at all but it's something that I've never been comfortable with. I don't like that I can't see the other person to gauge their reactions.

I think, if you are able to, that a referral back to a psychiatrist would be a really good idea. I know your meds were originally decided under psychiatric care but I'm wondering if a review would be helpful. Some of the things you describe could be side effects of the meds rather than your illness and a change might help with that - enough for you to be able to make some small improvements. Things like lack of concentration and sleepiness? It might not be that but I think as you are really feeling so rubbish that it's worth a go. Maybe write a letter to take with you to the GPs rather than relying on being brave enough to say it all at the appointment. Hand the letter over and let the GP read it.

By the way, I think you are brave. It takes courage to come on here and ask for people to listen to you. This thread is about you but that doesn't make you selfish or self centred - you don't seem either of those things to me.

OP, have you looked into online therapy? It could be one-to-one or a CBT program. I don't know what would be appropriate for you. But you might find it easier to engage via a screen. You could start any appt with what you have written above. There is loads there for any good therapist to work with.
I've shut down/gone blank in face to face therapy sessions, and sometimes had a not very helpful response.

Soap - You haven't made anything worse, I'm so sorry I made you think that. I'm really grateful that everyone has replied and I feel like a total dick for being so awkward. I couldn't ask my mum to do that for me, there is no way I would want her to know about any of this. Thank you for the suggestion. I'm really sorry, I don't think things through before I type.

Misnomer - I definitely need to see other people's reactions when I talk to them, I need to be able to predict what they're thinking about me and on the phone, I just have to assume that they're thinking terrible things because I have nothing to go on. I'm sorry you struggle with phones too, and that your husband doesn't understand. I know my mum just thinks I'm being purposely difficult with it too.

I can ask about seeing a psychiatrist again when I'm next at the GP, I hadn't thought about it. I hate feeling like I'm using up people's time so I try to be as quick as I can in my GP appointments. I think some of the concentration/sleep issues are because of my eating and exercising issues but I can see if the meds are affecting it too. Thank you for thinking of it for me.

Sorry AuntyElle, I take forever to type replies and I missed yours.

I can't afford to pay for therapy, and every time I've looked into online things, I've only been able to find private therapists who obviously need to be paid. I was referred to the NHS' IAPT (I think) online CBT program years ago, but I was told I was 'too ill' to be able to do it.

It would definitely be easier to engage via a screen, but I think since they'd still be able to connect my words to me, the person (since they'd have my name, address etc), that would make me uncomfortable. I'll have to look into seeing if there are more anonymous online things I could use. Thank you for the suggestion, I really appreciate it.

OP, truly no need to apologise!
If I come across anything online and free I'll post it here.
for you.

Hi OP, question for you, if you feel like answering it. If you had a magic wand, what is the thing or things you would most like to be able to be free to do, that currently you cannot do?
I had a massive fear of phones and a generally interaction and avoidance issues too so I get it, I really do. The whole invisible audience watching me thing.

Thank you both.

AuntyElle - That's really kind of you, thank you very much.

Sadie - Do you want the completely honest answer? I want to be able to successfully kill myself. I've tried unsuccessfully many times and I want to know that I would get it right. I know that isn't the answer you meant though, so in terms of anxiety I would want to be able to go outside on my own and get a job.

Sorry for the pathetic answer. Today is not a good day.

If I'm really properly honest, the going out on my own and getting a job are things that I feel like I should want, but I don't really. I know I must, but I have no real desire, no real drive. I have no ambition. I really just want to die. I'm so sorry for being so useless.

You're not useless, that's depression spreaking. You're unwell

I understand not wanting the things you're "supposed" to want! Although sometimes I think it's the world out of line rather than me - why should I want to rejoin the rat race? type thing.

I don't know if it's a helpful suggestion, but have you looked into studying online? I am currently studying with the Open University. There were I think 5 face-to-face tutorials in the year and a few online ones. I haven't been to any of the ones in person, but have been to a couple of online ones. They have disability support services and "reasonable adjustments" written up at the start, so eg. you could have someone with you at tutorials, or make sure the tutor knows not to randomly ask for your input in a discussion online...

Here's an experiment, if you can, humour me. For 24 hrs, try to notice when you say/write/think negative things about yourself. Eg. above you've posted "Sorry for the pathetic answer" and described yourslef as "useless". These things are not true, and you wouldn't talk to some else like that. You're just unwell and struggling, and that's not a reflection on you personally.

Like this post from Once ^^
OP, I feel similar to what you have described a lot of the time. But it is depressive thinking. It can change.
You are clearly intelligent, what interests you? (even if not right now). L x
What is a little comfort to you?

Thank you both so much for replying.

Once - I used to think about studying online but if I'm honest, there's nothing that really interests me. I'm not very intelligent, and I think I would struggle a lot to try to get back into learning. I really don't think I'd be able to attend tutorials either. I hope you're enjoying your course with them, good luck with it.
I don't tend to think of the words that I apply to myself as being 'negative', I see them just as accurate, if that makes sense? I can keep track of words that have an inherent negativity to them though, but even though I would think of them as cruel to apply to another person, I just see myself as deserving of them. Thank you very much for the suggestions.

AuntyElle - I've tried to think of things that interest me, and I'm struggling. I used to like reading, and movies, and nutrition/recipes (though I think that was linked to a previous ED diagnosis). I watch a few TV programmes, but the list of things I keep up to date with is getting shorter.
You're very kind to say I'm intelligent, though I would disagree. I'm sorry for tricking you into thinking that when it's a lie.
I don't really know what I find comforting any more. I don't feel like I deserve to be comfortable, so I don't really go out of my way to find things. I'm sorry, what a weak answer.

I'm sorry for tricking you into thinking that when it's a lie.

Oh Iam, you are so far into depressive thinking, sweetie! Would you try to keep in mind the thought that much of your thinking at the moment is not accurate? (I have to do this myself a lot.) It feels accurate, I know, but objectively, it is classic for what a depressed brain spouts out.
I am basing my impression that you are intelligent on your insight and writing style. I stand by my judgement