I'm sorry.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I used to be a member here but I deleted when all the Jeffrey stuff happened. I'm so sorry for making a new account.

I don't know how to be okay with myself anymore. I despise everything about myself and I just want to be dead.

I have crippling anxiety - I can't use the phone, or leave the house on my own - and I have literally nothing in my life (no children so don't worry about anyone being dependent on me). I just want to die, my life is literally worthless.

Every day when I wake up, I wish that I hadn't. I don't want this anymore. I've emailed Samaritans in the past and it's not something that works for me. There is nothing out there for me. I don't know what else could help, my life is just empty and nothing and I want it over.

No idea why I am posting but people here have been so supportive in the past so I'm so sorry but I am asking for more of the same even though I am nothing and I don't deserve it.

Don't be sorry. I'm here for the same reason, and people have been kind to me too.
Sleep, rest. Listen to your body. Eat and drink too.
Update if you can. I'd love to talk to you if you would like to. Xx

How are you feeling this morning?.

I wish I read your message last night.

I need to tell you, you are NOT weak for needing your mum to go with you places. I have an app at the hospital in a months time and my mum has taken a day off work to come with me!.

Have you a car?. Maybe go for a drive. You're not having to interact with people but you're still getting out.

And today, open a curtain, even one side of it :). Cloud watch!

I have only had mild depression, so please forgive me if I say something tactless out of a lack of understanding.

For me, the biggest problem with depression is that it is a vicious downward cycle, so depression takes away the strength I have to do the things which would help me get better. When people say: "Exercise, eat great fresh food, ask for help, etc" the depression makes it impossible to do those things. Right now, I know I would feel so much better if I closed the computer and did some exercise, did some jobs, and tried to find someone to have a chat with later, but I don't feel up to doing any of those things.

Reading your post, I am thinking that you are probably low on sunshine and fresh food, which will affect your health in so many ways, but of course your depression will make it impossible to get outside. Can anyone think of a way to break one small part of this cycle?

Morning. Hoping you managed some sleep. There's some very wise words from aveiam.

Being ill is not being pathetic.

Thank you all so much for replying to me. I feel awful for posting here, I don't deserve anyone to be so kind to me.

Surro - I hope your appointment at the hospital goes well for you. I hope you didn't think I meant that other people were pathetic if they needed their mums there for support, I only ever apply these things to myself. I literally can't go outside my front door without someone there, which makes me feel utterly worthless. I haven't got a car, can't drive.

Clara - You're right, I am low on sunshine. Food is a huge messy story all of it's own - I have lots of issues with eating and am currently in a restricting cycle, so I'm probably malnourished. I do try to eat 'well' within my calorie limits though. I'm also a compulsive over-exerciser which I absolutely hate. I'm constantly exhausted, I've fallen off my treadmill more times than I care to remember, I pass out more than is probably normal. I hope you're doing okay, take care of yourself.

Runswick - I did sleep, thank you. I feel like I should be able to pull myself out of this, it's just gone on for so long and nothing ever gets any better. If anything, things just get worse. It's like my mind decides to create new phobias, new problems, constantly. I have a list of diagnoses the length of my arm. I feel like they're all I am, I haven't got a personality outside of them.

Thank you all again for responding. I feel like a total drama queen for being so whiny and self-obsessed. I'm really sorry.

No, I didn't think that at all. I just wanted you to know, you're not alone in needing your mum :). Mums are awesome :) xx

Most days I have to force myself to do one thing I really stress about doing. But making yourself do it, may make you feel like 'yeah, I can do this' or 'that wasn't so bad'.

Are you in the UK? I'm in lancs X

My mum is great, though she doesn't really know the extent of my MH issues. I'm very private, and I hate people knowing personal things about me, even my mum. She knows I have very bad anxiety obviously, because she takes me places, but she doesn't know about, well, pretty much anything else really.

I force myself to do some things though obviously I could do a lot more. I think it's partly anxiety that stops me, and partly just that I don't care about anything. There's nothing I really want out of life, so there's nothing that I want to work towards. I tried graded exposure therapy for a long time, and it made things worse. I don't know how to get past anything when nothing feels like it helps. I am in the UK but I'd prefer not to say where; I'm so paranoid about someone (no idea who!) recognising me. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude.

Thank you both.

Well I am glad you chose to post here for one. And your personality does shines through your emails no matter what your mind tries to tell you what sort of person you are. Can't understand why you would think you don't deserve us to be kind to you. You are no worse nor no better than anyone else - every human is of equal value (even if our minds tell us different).
If it was that easy to pull yourself out of it, we'd all be doing it. So there is nothing 'wrong' about you not being able to just magically make everything better all by yourself. It seems at every hands turn your mind has something to kick off about and complain to you about doing. And I think you did the right thing posting here, because it sounds like that wasn't easy for you, so I would chalk that up as a significant achievement. If I was your mum or a close friend who really knew what you are going through, I'd be very proud of you just for doing that.

Thank you.

I've never thought of myself as deserving of kindness. There's no real reason behind it, it's really just because I hate myself and I can't think of a single reason why anyone should be nice to someone so awful.

You're right that posting here wasn't easy. I used to use this forum a couple of years ago (I never stopped reading, just de-activated my account and stopped posting) and it was always so supportive, so last night when I was close to really hurting myself, it was the only place I could think to come where someone would talk to me. I don't have people IRL that I can turn to, so the internet is really the only place I can use. I'm really grateful for you all talking to me, but I am sorry for going on so much. I know there isn't anything anyone here can really do, but just not feeling totally alone is really helpful right now.

Afternoon. I agree that your personality shines through.
You seem really likeable, considerate of others, kind and warm. Its probably your illness that's stopping you seeing that.

Try to think what you might say to someone else in your shoes? Probably you'd use all that kindness to gently persuade them to see their gp asap.

I know it's not easy, but could you manage to talk to yourself like that? You deserve it.

When I've struggled with racing bad thoughts I've clung on to the fact that they don't make me me. It's neither your physical or mental state but your spirit. I visualise mine as in my chest. Your spirit shines through as a good one ( sorry if that's a bit woo but for me it helped to separate my thoughts from my self)

No need to say where from m

Grr sent too early!.

I was just curious as if you were close by I could try and help more that's all :).

Feeling that way sucks. Xx

How are you feeling today?

I have a long-term depressive condition called dysthymia which I've had sine late childhood. I sought help for it eventually & it managed to get a level of improvement at age 41, so I see your 16 yrs & raise it to 30plus! That's supposed to be black humour by the way but also to illustrate that there is every chance you will be able to feel better. I had the horrendous self-hatred & self-loathing illustrated by your early posts & had some sessions with a MH nurse where I felt utterly ridiculous trying to explain it; she would come up with all sorts of counter-arguments. It was almost comical. I felt like I had to give in & admit I did deserve help although she didn't 100% convince me, but I was at a stage where I didn't know how else I could keep going.

Have you had meds prescribed by a psychiatrist, not just a GP? The current situation with your GP is clearly rubbish so insist for referral to a psych. Put it into writing or email if you can't verbalise this in person. If you have truly exhausted the meds route there are other treatment approaches a psych could help you with. You say you had nothing to talk about at previous counselling but you have the self-worth issue you started with on here - which is major & a good counsellor will go through that with you. Ideally you should be stable on meds first though so you have a base to work on.

I'm sure your Mum wouldn't hesitate to get more involved if you let her. She must be a decent type as she already lends a hand with the appts. There is no shame or whatever in letting your Mum -of all people- help you. Folk always trot this out but there is truth in it: if you had a physical ailment like broken legs there would be no problem in accepting help for that & MH is no different.

Hi OP, I have nothing helpful to add but I just want to give you a hug & to tell you that you are not worthless :) xxx

Thinking of you OP xx

You are a human being.
Please try and distance yourself from your thoughts. I know its really hard. But try and observe your thoughts and say- ok that's a bad thought it's not me! It's just pain coming up.
Also try to stop saying on here that you're worthless. Don't repeat it or it becomes real. Try to say instead I FEEL worthless. It's just a thought.
Sending massive hugs x

Thank you all so much. I don't know what else to say, but I'm so grateful for how lovely you've all been.

My meds were originally prescribed by a psychiatrist, and now the GP does the repeat prescriptions. I've tried with therapy and counselling, and I just can't manage it. They always describe me as a 'closed book', which is fair. I am very private and I can't bear the idea of people knowing such personal things about me. I know that's really stupid and illogical, but it makes me feel totally unsafe and vulnerable. I can manage online to a degree because none of you actually know me, these posts aren't connected to a real person, if that makes sense? I have tried to just push past it, but I can't cope when people know private things about me, and it always leads to an escalation in SH/suicide attempts.

My mum is lovely, but she doesn't live particularly nearby so it's already a bit of an annoyance for her to take me to the GP. We don't have a very close relationship, and there is no way I would want her to know anything more personal about me than she already does. It would definitely upset her to know more, and like I said ^, I'm not okay with people knowing intimate details about me.

It's very hard to just say that I feel worthless because it's not just a feeling. I'm sorry to be so rude, but I am truly honestly worthless, in the very literal sense of the word. I will stop typing it, I didn't realise that it might be upsetting for other people to read.

I really appreciate you all giving up time on a Sunday to indulge my self-pitying rambles, I know that I go on too much. I have so many words in my head and when I type them out, they seem to take on a life of their own. I'm really sorry. I think I need to stop talking about this. Thank you all again.

You're not rambling and you're not worthless.

It does sound like you need a friend though. Someone to try and make you laugh :) or a shoulder to cry on.

I know you say you're private but with the right person in time, maybe you'll trust them enough to open up. Even a little.

You are NOT worthless. You're a decent human being who's brain doesn't realise it yet.

And here's some flowers and a glass of vino (or drink of your choice) !

Think you need to find something you like doing. Do you enjoy reading?

Hi. I agree you sound lovely but just unwell.

I have anxiety too. Not as bad though.

You say you never open your curtains and don't go out - do you take vitamin D? as this can really affect your mood not getting enough sunlight. Do you have any outdoor space?

This is a good website for someone to talk to www.7cups.com/member/

Please keep chatting

Scroll down and there's always a live listener around to chat to

Darling it doesn't upset me that you type it. But the more you even think it in your head will make it seem real. It's just a feeling honestly.
You are a human being and you are worthy. You are enough. But you are unwell. You will get better x

Bless you. Please seek help. X

IAmAHorriblePerson
I don't have much to add beyond what's here. You sound really caring even if you don't feel I right now.