I dont know what to do and its all getting worse

[elementofsurprise]

I dont think i'm supposed to need help, I mean, I can't expect people to care or be there for me. But I'm not coping alone so I'm unsure what to do now. I keep trying to tell myself it'll all be ok and just keep pressing on, but in reality im spending more and more time just weeping and barely leaving flat and my world is so restricted and everyting just seems harder and harder. I feel like im completely spearate from others, like we speak a different language or something. I dont know how to ask for help or who to ask. My local MH services are very very overstretched and don't offer longterm therapy etc, im not an imminent danger to myself or others which is all they cover. Yet my problems are complex and disabling so the primary care team wont see me either as also dont meet their remit.

For years I've not had proper friends, just people I know, well maybe proper friends in some ways but all misfits like me. That sounds nasty, its not meant to, I just mean not people I can rely on or massively similar etc. And mainly just people I hung out with rather than proper friends. Bit of a studently feel to it, if that makes sense - I felt quite dfferent because i'd mastered stuff like housework . I have loads of aqauintances who are more simiar to me in other ways but because i'm unemployed and perceived as 'mental' I don't fit in. My marginalisation and lonliness has made me weirder, too. I barely see anyone now, the odd social event but apart from that just one person who pops in to see me. I can do socialising, i'm good at parties and things at chatting to people, I just cant seem to make proper friends and as get older is harder. But that is not the point of my post, just explaining why I cant turn to anyone. Although I shouldn anyway.

I want to give up. Im so frightened. Im not suicidal exactly but Im scred im going to go properly mad, or already starting. Im doing Open Uni and focussing on that but finding concentration so hard. Getting more anxious and shaky. Keep just crying. I just do not know what to do after trying so hard with evetything for so long. Open uni seemed like a good idea but it means i go out even less as getting the work done. Anything I try to do to make things better just seems another mountin to climb and means i have to give up something else. I'm less capable by the day. I feel completely overhlemed with the horror and pain that has been my life, I feel sick with the mess of it all despite always trying so hard. I dont even know how to ask for help anymore because if I see anyone I automatically cover it all up. Not completely sucessfully, I tend to just seem a bit dozy instead of sad.

I have a GP appt tomorrow but its to discuss referral to CMHT he made. They have asked him not to refer me again, so I expect they've rejected it. Even if they havent they are convinced I have BPD. If I do, I dont present with it typically. All their focus is on getting me to act the part and not ask for any help (I dont self harm or anything). They see me not being in touch as a success, the pressure to just keep quiet and please them is immense. I cant tell anyone how it feels inside and if I do they dont listen, or think it's attention seeking or something. I just can't get them to take any notice of or help with the problems I actually have.

Im so sorry, I just dont know what to do. I dont know what I'm supposed to think, whether Im suppsoed to need help or what to do either way. Im so sorry.

Wanting solely non-critical responses is unrealistic. Especially on mumsnet. And when at times you react quite aggressively yourself to criticism - I can see why you do, but it does play a part in setting up the dynamic on your threads.

Re-read the supportive posts, element. There are people really trying to help. It's so easy to react and respond more to the criticism.

People are always going to say 'get real life support'. I've learnt lots on here about how truly awful and lacking MH services are and actually that's been helpful for me. I now know not to chase some non-existent NHS help. And I know it's not my fault I haven't found it. I found exwife's description of her provision helpful. It's appalling that the help is not there for many people, but I'm glad I can stop banging my head against that wall because all those assessments that weren't going anywhere were making me feel worse.
People who are trying to be helpful but have no in-depth experience of MH services (or who have been lucky enough to have good experiences) will say 'get help'. Not maliciously, they simply don't know it's often not that simple. And it's always spouted in the media: reach out yadda yadda. I agree it ends up feeling like a brush off, but it's said in good faith, on the whole. People naturally want to believe that there is help available for very distressed people.

What do you get out of posting on here, element? Sounds like you get some comfort at times? Do you also get some insight?

keema nana Genuinely why are you still reading Element's threads and posting on them?
She's vulnerable. Can you not just leave her alone?

keema but it did really happen. i get why you dont believe me, but it did. although tbh look at shipman - if that can happen for years, surely you can believe a psychitrists who was happily refusing me all help and telling me to go away kicked me? when i was on my knees begging fr help, saying please just help me make the pain go away.
they werent risking anyting at all - who would believe me?

i know i've not lied or anything, so i know my posts must add up. the only thing i can think of that could be dfferent is i kept telling myself to persevere with private therapy because i couldnt face the hopelessness of having nothing. only afterwads i admittd to myself i should have ended it ealier, when it started going weird. But i kept telling mysef it was my fault somehow and just to try harder. Like i have done in abusive relationships, actually.

If element says she was kicked by a psychiatrist then I believe it happened. They have a lot of power. They are put in very stressful situations and sometimes react badly. I have been on the end of control and restraint enough times to know that staff in psychiatry do use unnecessary force.

Even if this was not the case and element had suggested that her gp had kicked her or I don't know a fucking nun had kicked her so what? What is there to gain by challenging her and calling her a liar. She is not naming an individual. If you don't believe her fine but calling her a liar obviously causes a lot of pain and for what possible good. Genuinely interested, what can possibly be achieved by not believing what she says?

Everyone's narrative changes over time, this is particularly so with people working through mh difficulties. My story now is very different to how it was five years ago, I have learned about recovery and myself. What I once saw as symptoms I now see as strengths, my resilience and ways of coping. If elements narrative changes, maybe that just reflects where she is and how she feels. Who are we to question it?

I have always found mn so supportive and consider myself lucky that some of the people who have posted here have helped me. I really cant believe how this thread has gone. I hope you are ok element.

elle I know NHS help is nonexistent. I gave up trying with them years ago. but others end up pushing me bck towards the system, and convince me itll be different this time. (Btw I live in a difffeent area now than where the really bad stuff happened.) So irl that is one thing that made me more isolated, people getting cross saying theyd be supportive if i tried to get some help from services. They just wouldnt believe i couldnt get any. And on here, i have to keep explaining. I dont understand why youre explaining to me they wont help and to walk away. I already know that. Im only having to keep explaining i cant get help because people keep telling me to get some!

And I dont feel like its a brush off if someone tells me to seek help. i just feel frustrated and like im in a parallel universe cos Im sure I just explained i couldnt get any help...
Also if posters make suggetsions, like "get help", when i've already explained i can't, then whe i point that out to them they get annoyed and say m rejecting their suggestions. Thats upsetting too cos i've spelt it out from the start and if theyd read the post proprly theyd not have made that suggestion.

I hope you are ok too.
It's so bloody hard.

thank you howcani
you explain much better than i can. my MH has had different narratives - i wrote a book about it all once, when i thought it was in the past. Looking back i cant see the self blame and so on, playing into the abusive dynamic etc, stuffing all the feelings away. I broke down when life seemed good shortly after writing it.

Im also really bad for trying to hold everyting togtehr and putting up with crap in relationships (including friendships) rather than standing my ground or ending the realtionship. It was like that with the therapist. I didnt want to fail by ending the therapy. Also if i had people would have been cross with me for ending it...

I feel sofrustrated, like those dreams where you shout but no-one can hear... I seem to keep explaining stuff and people dont understand and I feel like i must be speaking a different language or in a paralell universe or something.

It is believable, as howcani says. Plenty of people have experienced unnecessary force. Yes, disbelieving someone who is vulnerable and struggling is really nasty tbh. I am not going to respond to Keema or Nana any more but I hope they have the decency to stop posting.

^keema nana Genuinely why are you still reading Element's threads and posting on them?
She's vulnerable. Can you not just leave her alone?^ < That.

Do you have any positive relationships element? Any that you would describe as being normal or ok? Anyone you have ever felt really close to? Like you could be totally honest with? Its a hard question to reflect on so don't feel like you have to.

I hear you about the feeling you are shouting into a void or speaking a different language, element lovely, I get that too. Hope you're OK.

Good to 'see' you broken1girl. Was really worried when your thread disappeared.

Element, I was just posting my own experience of realising how inadequate NHS help is. I wasn't attempting to explain it to you. I know you know! It's just that others' experiences can be helpful. Like I found exwife's post helpful.
I was trying to explain why people might keep saying 'get RL help' as you've said how posters repeating that is really hard for you.

I get the impression that in your distress you are reading posts and anything that looks like a negative jumps out at you. I get why as you have been criticised on here. But may be you can read all the more supportive posts later when it has quietened down?

elle sorry - wasnt annoyed by your post, just wound up by the whole situation. Meant to say thanks at the beginning and forgot x
Ex-wiifes post was helpful as further proof of how services operate. But am frustrated I cant find any support groups round here.

Brokengirl didnt realise you'd had a thread zapped - sorry havenot bee paying attention as much recently. SOrry you're struggling and thanks for posting here.

howcani What a question! I dont think i totally know what a normal friendship looks like. I do have people i can be open with but we are in contact intermittently. Its just the way it works with those people. There is someone I guess is sort of parental role model to me (known since I was a child) and we have a good chat every few months or so... mutually... he is the age of my parents though and married so this probably sounds wrong (is it just me being paranoid?)... its just he's one of the few people who 'gets' how my mind works and I dont think i can trust anyone else not to hurt me, but I do trust him. Im mentioning this cos it only occurred to me recently. We know lots of the same people but they are now distant friends in touch on fb living in differet places. I had a brainwave recently that in future any male partners I should imagine what he'd think of them or how they compare to how he treats me, cos it would raise my standards somewhat... I think people ubconsciously have that thought process in relation to how their real parents treated them, but perhaps it is bonkers!

Its complicated. I have another friend who we dont understand each other really but do agree on a lot of things and can sort of hang out together even if we're both sad and not speaking. I think he has an ASD, there is definitely something different about him, I dont like to ask though (I know he's had at least a brush with the syste and he said something cryptic that I think means ASD). He's the person I see most of.

I have a female friends I can be open with and doesnt completely understand but is kind; I dont always understand her either but try to be supportive too. Encouraged her (with others) to leave an abuser and shes off traveling now :) but that does mean not much contact for now.

I know a lot of decent people I see at social gatherings and loosely stay in touch with but I guess im keeping distance a bit (or at least not throwing myself in trying t make new friends) in the same way i am with romantic relationships... im not ready; theres too much i dont understand and I'm too fragile atm.

Thanks x

I ask because its something i really struggle with. I have hundreds of acquaintances/friends, people who I have met through school/uni/jobs/hobbies but no one I could pick up the phone to. I have a big family and a family of my own and yet feel completely alone. The only people who understand me are paid to do so. I have been reading about how important connectedness is to recovery and its something I am tying to work on. I have been trying to think of positive relationships in the past and trying to work out what makes it different. Its so hard, its not like you can just magic up some friends and it is scary trying to make new connections.

It sounds like there are a few people in your life who maybe get you? Is it worth investing in those relationships right now to help in this difficult time. One thing I have learned is how valuable it can make me feel to give something to another person rather than always being the needy one. I'm not suggesting that is how it is for you. You have been through a lot though and the fact you are still here makes me think you have lots to give.

Thank you howcan what a lovely post.
I'm sorry you also feel alone. Do you think lots of people feel like that - all disconnected from each other? Or do you think it's just a few of us, who'd benefit from a different sort of society with more connections and community?

For me the people i can on occasion open up to and who understand, are all fairly distant for good reason, we have separate lives or live miles apart, and diffferent things going on but when paths cross or whatever, its very nice. One of them in particular is like trying to nail fog to actually meet up by proir arrangement (drifty thoughtful artist) - but we see each other now and then at short notice or at social things. I could make more of an effort with some people just to be around people though I guess. So bogged down with coursework when i can think straight atm, but it finishes in a month or so... I'd better do a bit more now actually...

No probs. Nanight element

thinks not think's

hi howcani, you too! I'm sorry you were worried.

Good luck with your uni work element, good for you

Did you come back just to be unpleasant nana? How lovely.

Element - are you on any meds?

Fair enough to delete my post. I've posted several times element - what I thought were helpful posts so no I didn't come back to be unpleasant and to say that many of us are struggling with mental health issues, not just you. I was also annoyed at BrokenGirl telling me what I can and can't do.

I know why my post was deleted - but I still don't believe psychiatrists kick people.

Nana I'm really sorry that this thread has become unpleasant, I know you are hurting too and provide lots of good support for many here.

I have met many people in mh services who have suffered trauma and not have it believed or have it seen as a symptom or delusion. This is extremely damaging. But I think its even more damaging to be disbelieved my someone who you regard as a peer. I just wonder why you feel the need to challenge what element says she has experienced. What good can come from that? Imagine how invalidated it would make you feel?

Perhaps the reason perfectly nice and sensible and kind Mumsnet members keep coming back to post on this thread is because they feel invalidated and feel that the advice they have given time and time again has been twisted around and turned against them.

Perhaps they should also be allowed some 'narrative truth'. This is after all 'peer' support and I would imagine that some posters feel 'invalidated' themselves. I know I have felt like that on previous threads here.