I dont know what to do and its all getting worse

[elementofsurprise]

I dont think i'm supposed to need help, I mean, I can't expect people to care or be there for me. But I'm not coping alone so I'm unsure what to do now. I keep trying to tell myself it'll all be ok and just keep pressing on, but in reality im spending more and more time just weeping and barely leaving flat and my world is so restricted and everyting just seems harder and harder. I feel like im completely spearate from others, like we speak a different language or something. I dont know how to ask for help or who to ask. My local MH services are very very overstretched and don't offer longterm therapy etc, im not an imminent danger to myself or others which is all they cover. Yet my problems are complex and disabling so the primary care team wont see me either as also dont meet their remit.

For years I've not had proper friends, just people I know, well maybe proper friends in some ways but all misfits like me. That sounds nasty, its not meant to, I just mean not people I can rely on or massively similar etc. And mainly just people I hung out with rather than proper friends. Bit of a studently feel to it, if that makes sense - I felt quite dfferent because i'd mastered stuff like housework . I have loads of aqauintances who are more simiar to me in other ways but because i'm unemployed and perceived as 'mental' I don't fit in. My marginalisation and lonliness has made me weirder, too. I barely see anyone now, the odd social event but apart from that just one person who pops in to see me. I can do socialising, i'm good at parties and things at chatting to people, I just cant seem to make proper friends and as get older is harder. But that is not the point of my post, just explaining why I cant turn to anyone. Although I shouldn anyway.

I want to give up. Im so frightened. Im not suicidal exactly but Im scred im going to go properly mad, or already starting. Im doing Open Uni and focussing on that but finding concentration so hard. Getting more anxious and shaky. Keep just crying. I just do not know what to do after trying so hard with evetything for so long. Open uni seemed like a good idea but it means i go out even less as getting the work done. Anything I try to do to make things better just seems another mountin to climb and means i have to give up something else. I'm less capable by the day. I feel completely overhlemed with the horror and pain that has been my life, I feel sick with the mess of it all despite always trying so hard. I dont even know how to ask for help anymore because if I see anyone I automatically cover it all up. Not completely sucessfully, I tend to just seem a bit dozy instead of sad.

I have a GP appt tomorrow but its to discuss referral to CMHT he made. They have asked him not to refer me again, so I expect they've rejected it. Even if they havent they are convinced I have BPD. If I do, I dont present with it typically. All their focus is on getting me to act the part and not ask for any help (I dont self harm or anything). They see me not being in touch as a success, the pressure to just keep quiet and please them is immense. I cant tell anyone how it feels inside and if I do they dont listen, or think it's attention seeking or something. I just can't get them to take any notice of or help with the problems I actually have.

Im so sorry, I just dont know what to do. I dont know what I'm supposed to think, whether Im suppsoed to need help or what to do either way. Im so sorry.

There is a middle ground. I totally understand the frustration. But element is clearly struggling to cope and I don't actually think it's that helpful that a service rejects her referral because she will be disappointed.

I think pp were trying to help op see other alternatives to referral/disappointment as what op wants isn't what they provide. Nobody wants anyone to be distressed- we are all human beings. I have been reading this board on and off for a couple of years now so have read many of elements posts and to be honest, I've not read anything from pp's suggesting at a change of viewpoint that isn't realistic, and given some of elements replies, have been mildly and considerately worded. No-one wants anyone to be stuck in a cycle of miserableness. Maybe newer people can't see it, but the comments suggesting getting out of the victim/abuser mindset, supporting other people etc, are coming from the right place.

I dont understand the accusations on here. I havent lied about anything. When I was younger, ys the GP saw BPD on my notes and immediately changed her tone and told me to get out and she couldnt help me. I was begging for help, saying please help me stop the pain inside. She said if I didnt leave she'd press the panic button, which she duly did (I assume) as a load of people came rushing in. I was struck off GP list and later found out they claimed i'd been violent and had to be restrained. I hadn't been, I hadn't even shouted or anything, just been crying. Its this sort of horrific thing that makes me feel so scared and like people hate me and im not human or deserving of being treated nicely. Im so frightened because something like that, well I would struggle to believe it if it hadnt happened to me. BTW there was someone with me at the time and if I'd known about the accusations of violence at the time and been well enough to fight the lies I would have done. But I was unwell and only 19/20 and shy and no good at standing up to authority. Its so frightening to be so powerless and truth doesnt matter, the lies of the powerful are taken as truth. I have nightmares about these things, where everyone is angry with me for stuff I havent done and they hurt me and I have no voice.

I have been criminalised in seriously dubious circumstances. That also makes me feel frightened and trapped and wish someone could have listened and helped when i asked for hep isntead of leaving me trapped with a violent man and no homelessness help or any help at all. I knew I was affected by my upbrinign and asked for help but got treated like scum instead.

As for the private therapy, things DID go weird fr several mots beofre it ended. Ive written this before. I kept telling myself it must be me, not wanting to rock the boat or anything, I felt a bit protective of the therapist like it was mean of me to say, this isnt working, like it must be my fault. The same feelings/thought that have had me trapped in abusive relationships in the past, incidentally. Then she accused me of refusing help from services, given she knew my history and the trauma i struggle from that relates to the appalling treatment from services in the past and now the lack of any help after cutbacks, this was a huge thing. She might as wel have said "i dont believe you were raped" or something. She sided with my abusers - services. When people are trying to make somethig work becaus it is thier only hope, they overlook the warning signs. Therapy was helpful at first - its why im replying here not od'ing right now frankly. But the last few months she stopped listening, misunderstood everything, got me mixed up with other clients (i think), and kept going on that i needed support from services. As wll as sayig about her experience of CSA which I didnt know what to do with - cos normally youd talk to/comfort the person but she expected me to carry on as if nothing happened? And I was paying her £40 a time.

I dont understand. My post yesterday very frightened was talking about life in general, the horrible memories. I just used the example of the deleted posts on here because it was a good example. Keema wrote nasty, bullying, factually incorrect stuff about me. Yet it was assumed i was overreacting. This frightend me i am in so much pain but i end up as peoplesc scapegoats, i want to die because people are allowed to be nasty to me and hurt me and im not believed. im not as good as everyone else and i dont know why cos i try to be. I wouldnt urt people or be malicious like people are to me, i try to be kind and help people yet i am somehow worth less than them.

Also on other threads people have ignored wht ive written - its not accusing them its true! Eg. people keep on telling me to go back to services when ive explained they just wont see me.

Also I dont understand when people (not on my posts) say things like "Insist on help" or "dont leave until youve got some help" or whatever, cos insisting you deserve help is what makes them confirm BPD - very bad move. I once had a appt cancelled without telling me, I was in a right state before the appt. but managed to mke it there, only to find out ti was cancelled. I said i needed to see someone and couldnt leave until i did, well they called police on me. Police were lovely but didnt know where to take me, knew i needed help.

im so frightened and confused, why is keema and others so keen to pick on me, to blame me and try to make out im lying when i know im not

BrokenGirl's comment is very true - people feel entitled to you suddenly magically being ok. I dont understand this, surely i wont get better overnight? So why do people expect that? I have noticed this in life to - its like you get one chance. You can be depressed/ill, maybe even survice a suicide attempt - once. Then you are expected to gradually get better with no relapse, no ongoing support needs, etc. And have a positive inspiring story at the end of it.

You have to pretend the nightmares and memories and fear isnt there. The sad thing is if i'd got help straight away... in my tweens/early teens, when it was just the arguments at home that overwhelmed me... then I'd probably have got better. But I kept it all inside until I was an adult and had left home, then when I asked for help I was basicllly told I was a bad person

ps. thank you for the nice supportive postson here, means a lot, really struggling, im sorry, but the posts help, thank you xx

Whilst I acknowledge the reasons behind some of the posts are clearly from a good and supportive place, I urge you to reread them and think how that would come across if you were feeling utterly desperate and despairing. Some of them read as pretty aggressive.

It is a huge simplification and quite patronising to say just get out of the victim triangle. Element obviously has good insight into some of her interpersonal difficulties. The victim triangle is often deeply engrained and comes about when someone is doing their best to get their needs met in the only way they can. To suggest someone just stops is not recognizing the complexity of some of these dynamics.

I haven't read elements previous posts but to be honest I don't care if she has posted the same thing every day for a year. She is in distress and deserves compassion. I cant understand the aggressive and accusatory tones. If you feel worn down and out of empathy why post at all? I wouldn't be surprised if element doesn't come back to this thread. Some of the comments no doubt mirror the way she has been treated by services and I imagine leave her feeling powerless and oppressed?

Maybe newer people can't see it, but the comments suggesting getting out of the victim/abuser mindset, supporting other people etc

Erm i used to always be looking after other people. got taken advantage of, went out of my way supporting others then they disppear withut a backwards glance. I have written on here, when it is bad i just want to suggest suicide pacts or something, im scared i cnt help people. I still always tyr to help people irl life given th chance though. I believe people should live more communally than tey do. But people have for years been telling me i need to put myself first, cnt help others til you are ok, etc etc. I am so confused at the advice. I cant help but help people normally, i have to curb my instinct to when it will drain me and mean i cant look after myself. I have been udnrstanding to tohers to the point of several abusive relatioships because i kept trying to understand. I try my est to support others whe i can actually think stright. However i tend to support hose others overlook - if someone has a crowd of supporters, they dont need me. Maybe thts why it doesnt count.

And victim/abuser mindset? wtf? I have been abused and i am not going to pretend its my fault somehow. perhaps you dont realis that i am still learning its not my fault? i have random memories and realise i didnt deserve what happened. i am struggling a lot with these memories. I am allowed to feel hurt and angry and not have my feeligns supressed - that is what started all this in the first place. Im so confused whyits wrong to recognise abuse?

howcani thank you. The victim triangle is often deeply engrained and comes about when someone is doing their best to get their needs met in the only way they can. To suggest someone just stops is not recognizing the complexity of some of these dynamics.

This bit is really confusing me. I thoght i was doing well to recognise i didnt deserve certain things and to sort of comfort myself/inner child and so on. Do people think i shoud be in some next stage by now? Cos im still learning this bit. (I've only recently properly escped another abusive relationship - emotional abuse only, we split up a year ago but remained friends but he has carried on with the emotional abuse and I have struggled to alk away due to lonliness).

Thing is, when I was growing up I was scapegoated in my family bigtime. I didnt realise until recently. My older brother has what looks very like undiagnosed ASD which caused a lot of issues growing up - he needed separate food cooked, would get very upset/wound up at things etc. But my parents jst skimmed over it and made out i was the difficut child! But i was obedient (through fear), kind to oter children, nice to visitors, did well in school etc. But I was never good enough.

So I didnt ask for help whn it got bad, I blamed myself for fealing bad, assumed iwas just a shit person. For years and years. Until aged 17 a teacher took me aside and suggested I may have depression, she'd noticed. didnt make proper attempt to get help until 19 when i realised I needed to learn to at least cover it up so i coud hold down a job.

Sorry, have got rambly. What I mean is, im not an attention seeker type, or an entrenched victim mindset (whatever that is - should victims blame themsleves? ) It is very recent i will stand my ground and say "i did not deserve this". I am trying to do the right thing always, but I cant even find out what is right or not. Is it ok to ask for support, for example? I jst try to hide everyting and please everyone hence posting on here for outlet.

ps.no offence intended to anyone with an ASD. Obviously my brother needed support, what I meant was, as he was undiagnosed he did appear to just be a difficult child. I suspect i may be ont he spectrum myself but nowhere near as obviously.

I have been having memeoires recently of my mum hissing suspiciously at me. God, i feel guilty just writing it, she is nice really. But when I was growing up, from a small child until I left home, she was convince i was some horrible delinquent. As a child (under 10) she told me I'd better not get pregnant or i'd be chucked out at 16. Anothet ime she said it was good she was around during the day as she would see me if i bunked off school (i'd never have dreamed of bunking off!) And randomly accusing me of being a drug addict througout my teens (never even had a drink or a fag until I was 17.) She just seemed convinced I ws this awful person who would take advanatge given half a chance. Yet I used to babysit my much younger sibling, give him his bath, read him stories etc. And look after my mum when she was unwell (chronic condition with flare ups.)

Also, can i jst say please, i am really struggling. I struggle to get out of bed at all at the moment. every waking moment when i am actually able to think half straight, goes into doing coursework (have had to ask for extension already) or going to the shops/cooking something healthy etc. I am literally really struggling t do the very basics. I'd love to spend my days helping others and so on, and i feel shit that i cant, but i am struggling so much. I feel pshycically exhausted and confused from unrefreshing sleep (i assume - blood tests were fine, although I have endometriosis which apparently can come with chronic fatigue).

Sorry, I didn't mean you specifically element,was more just a general comment to try to illuminate that it is not just as simple as stepping out of that triangle. I find myself desperately reaching out to be rescued but in the context of my history that makes sense. Understanding the patterns is one thing but learning to do things differently is quite another.

I'm so sorry you went through that experience with your gp, but not surprised. People in the health service are woefully ignorant about mh distress. My GP seems scared of me which always makes my husband laugh, I'm only ever a danger to myself! I find the police much kinder and just treat me as a human rather than pathologising my behaviour and seeing everything through the lens of pd.

exWife just as an aside, there are almost as many men in my BPD support group as women. I don't feel as if I'm the new Hysterical.

I'm really glad you dont feel like that. I know that myself and others do. I have noticed a change in attitues over the last decade though - before 2007 it was awful, pure stigma and discrimination. However I have read a lot about BPD, and in the context of history it really does seem to fit the same position as 'hysteria' once did. Women who have been abused or repressed expected to pipe down, seen as overreacting, and the 'treatment' involved getting them to stop being obviously troubled and fit neatly back into their expetced social role compliantly.

Intrigued about support groups i've yet to find one - there used to be one in next town run by MIND but no longer.

howcani Yes, isnt it odd how the police are much more human? I know someone who's just about to complete psych nurse training and they've really changed. They were really quizzing me about my MH last time I saw them, and I mentioned a conversation with my parents that has been significant in making sense of things/my childhood, and he was really dismissive of it! Going on that it was in the past, saying he remembered hard things about being a kid too and so what, not to dwell on it. Completely missed the point that it was a key to understanding, and a step forward in moving on, not something i was randomly raking up to feel sorry for myself.

Sorry - it wasnt supposed to come across as annoyed at your reply! I just meant Idont understand the 'victim triangle' thing or how im supposed to get out of it if i'm in it. Also, what if you're in different stages simultaneously? So eg. although when I broke down a few years ago (when life seemed to be good) I was very aware I was truamatised and didnt deserve things i remembered, I have since found myself in an abusive relationship, so in that scenario I didnt even realise I was a victim.

Also stuff just really, really hurts. Isnt it ok to say im having memories of these painful times and it hurts? Because keeping it all inside makes it seem more painful and shameful. Its so confusing.

it feels like i've gone full circle and im bck in my childhood where im not allowed to let on if im struggling, or cry, or anything... and im bad for sturggling, for not being able to work etc. Why is the official line with depressed people different from the reality? Why is it okand not shameful and youre just ill/traumatised blah blah, yet in reality its shut up, go away, just fucking BE FINE.

I think you want therapy to be able to deal with the past events, in the hope that you can leave them behind you and live a 'normal' life. The difficult bit is that to live a 'normal' life, you have to accept that the past happened and affected you, but not allow it to define you. No therapy will allow you to forget it ever happened. It's with you forever, but you can work towards loosening the power it has over your life now.

It can be very overwhelming to be told about someone's abusive past. It's very difficult because people can't know what you're going to say before you say it and can't be protected from the emotions it brings up in them. I've known people in the past to be so familiar with their abusive past that they bring it in to normal conversation without warning and share far more detail than their listener is prepared for.

I've said it before but I'll say it again, I think you need to join a church or other community group which has supportive networks, get involved in helping other people and build connections with people who are good for you. It will be so hard to do, but you'll get absolutely nowhere in hoping that some professional is going to come along and take you under their wing.

Thing is I literally feel exhausted, struggle to concentrate, overwhelmd, hopeless, tearful etc day to day. I assume this is due to the things I have experienced, but I dont know for sure.... it doesn't seem to go away.

Im not expecting a professional to take me under their wing... I think I should be able to get therapy from the NHS but accept that I cant (which is why its frustrating when people, online or irl, keep pointing me back to them.)

Im also careful about what I share, although it can get awkward, like if people think I should just be able to magically be happy, or think having intrusive memories and nightmares is purposely 'dweling on it' . Incidentally why the fuck did my therapist tell me she'd been abused? How was I supposed to handle that in the middle of a therapy session? Why are the rules different for me?

I just feel like giving up. Im still in bed. I might achevegetting out of bed today. Im worhtless, im not even good enough to be depressed prperly and able to make it beter all myself like expected.

And sorry but church is not ok. I grew up in an evangelical church and it has instiled a deep fear/guilt of being fundamentally worthless and bound for hell. Im trying to get over it cos I would like to go to a vague pleasant church, but its really getting to me.

Ok, so church is out. In reference to 'oversharing', it's not that you have to pretend to be fine, but people will generally feel overwhelmed if someone has a very complicated and traumatic background and want to unload.

What therapy do you think you should be given on the NHS? Counselling has left you feeling worse than before. DBT made you feel that you had to minimise and mask distress. Have you identified a therapy that you think will help?

Tbh, if you don't work, don't have people who you see day to day and don't engage with any community groups it's little wonder that you feel 'othered' by society and isolated. It's because you are isolated. Do you get ESA of some sort, or JSA? Could you volunteer for an hour or two per week at a charity shop or similar?

Element, when you say 'Why are the rules different for me?' I think that's an example of a belief that you might truly hold - and I can to an extent see why - but it is not definitively true, and it is not helpful to you.

It's an unhelpful belief because it makes you feel more isolated and encourages you to look for reasons why you are treated differently, leading to more self-blame. And it's not wholly true. For example, I've also had therapists disclose personal stuff in therapy and found it disconcerting and upsetting.

You've described your particularly awful experiences of MH provision. I know it doesn't help to have people just say others have had it worse. But in reality it's a continuum: of positive experiences through to hellish experiences. You are one person on that continuum. So am I. I've read some accounts of hideous multiple drug withdrawals on locked wards (not suggesting you do that). At the time they just upset me more, but hearing others' experiences can sometimes give perspective. I crave getting more perspective on my situation. It's when I lose it that I end up stuck in my own head and in the most pain.

When I can get a bit of perspective I find it really calming, I feel more connected and less isolated, even if I'm actually on my own.

(I'm waffling and sounding a twat but it's so hard to write this stuff down.)

I have never written nasty, bullying and factually incorrect things about you element. I have a copy of the post of mine that was deleted as I always write posts in notes before posting in case my Internet effs up.

You may not have liked what I posted, but painting me as a nasty bully somewhat proves my point about your re-writing history to be the victim.

I was foolish to post again. I won't make that mistake again.

the support group I go to is run by MIND. we just got funding for another year. it's cheaper to support us by funding a peer group than treating us all in secondary services. each and every one of us has been discharged from services after joining the group.

so, I take a great deal of heavy medication. I attend a support group for 3 hours a week. at some point I need to address my childhood trauma - the professionals are well aware of my background and don't advise therapy until I've been stable on my meds change for about a year.

I still don't have access to secondary services. I don't have a CPN, or a psychiatrist, or access to any therapy on the NHS. I can't call the crisis team.

you aren't being singled out as undeserving of treatment. there is no money, and there are no beds. I do understand how you feel but we just have to keep on keeping on.

I'm sorry but I don't think swearing at me is very helpful- I don't accept people being rude to me in real life and I won't here either, so I won't post on your threads again.

But, to clarify. Speaking of 'victim/abuser' mentality, I'd hazard a guess that well over half of the posters on here have suffered abuse (myself included) as many of those with MH problems have them as a result as of abuse. We are speaking from actual lived experience when we say that getting out of the mindset is useful. Yes it's awful, yes it happened, but as a pp said don't let it define you Also, the victim/abuser mindset can't be useful if you are accusing services of abuse whilst at the same time wanting them to help you…it's one or the other- you have to decide! You can get treated badly, or have an unpleasant experience without it being classified as abuse. Ok you have suffered abuse in the past, but it doesn't mean that every other unfair experience is abuse. As someone who has worked in 'services' to be honest if someone kept accusing people of abuse no one would want to work with them! Getting accusations/complaints/solicitors etc when you work in the 'caring' professions- you don't get into that sort of job because you expect thanks but at the same time being investigated is extremely crappy. Abuse is a very specific term in services and the consequences of being accused of 'abuse' rather than 'unfair treatment' etc are huge- involving safeguarding teams, possible suspension, criminal investigations and potentially losing your job/getting struck off.

I'll probably get ripped to shreds for saying that but this is exactly what I would say to anyone in real life who was behaving in that way…call a spade a spade etc.

ex wife I just wish people would stop trying to send me back to servics or convinced I must be making it up that I cant get help from them.

Keema you did write factualy incorrect things, eg. you wrote that I'd had the chance of a therapeutic community, which is simply not true and has never been on the cards. There were other thigs too Yo also twisted what I wrote and added bits to make it sound completely different I just dont understand the mindset of wanting to kick someone when they're already down. Your psts were deleted so its not just me who thinks they were bullying and nasty. So please fuck off.

AuntyElle yes I read blogs and things and it helps to hear othes experiences, others who are criticial of the system. But on here peple seem to be really supportive of the system and dont seem to understand some people cant get help . And rather than understand, some posters are being really nasty and making ot im lying about my experiences, rather than understand i'm one of many who have been treated like shit.

I've read loads of stuff about psychology, about BPD, about psychiatry. I have perspective. But it doesn't make the nightmares and intrusive memores go away, nor the grinding hopeless exhaustion, the feeling of dragging myself through the day. So when it's overwhelming, a bit of mutual commisearation is great, but instead I get encouraged to 'seek help' or not think about it or criticised. Im never allowed to just have a cry and reach out for someone to say "i hear you, i understand". Instead i'm forced to hide how I feel and it just makes it all worse, makes it all seem shameful and wrong and like i am supposed to support and comfort others but have to keep my own pain inside. And i literally cant not cry, not let it show, so i have to hide. I grew up being taught to hide emotions, it seems wrong to have to keep doing that .

And yes, this thing is so weird... I try to tell myself its a core belief that is wrong but i really do seem to be a scapegoat for a lot of people. I'm not the only one in the world, sure - but still its just a few people who are treated badly by others and like all the rules are different for them. Its frightening and i feel i have to be vigilant all the time in case i accidentlly expect to be treated like others and get hurt. Whenever I have 'forgotton mysef' and felt im the same as everyone else, this happens. I feel like im always trying to make sense of things to avoid getting hurt, to avoid the horrible things happening again. I cant get my head around tis because logically, we are all worth the same. But humans dont use logic, they have weird loyalties they care about above fairness and truth.

lougle What therapy do you think you should be given on the NHS? Counselling has left you feeling worse than before. DBT made you feel that you had to minimise and mask distress.

Er - what? I haven't had counselling. I aso haven't had DBT - i'm just interested in psychology and have read loads of others perspectives on it, plus gong through the DBT workbook myself, and talking to a couple of people who know a bit about how DBT is delivered round here. The services mentioned DBT but never actually signed me up to a course.

I found private therapy helpful until the last few months, now I am scared and dont know how i'd find another therapist who I could trust/would be ethical. Cos this organisation was recommeded, they match you to a therapist and supervise each other etc. (For the record, I was encouraged to make a formal complaint after what happened.) Also because she kept going on that I needed support and the services should be helping me, it makes me think another therapist wouldnt take me on without that support. (At the start of therapy she asked about support and I was temprarily on books of CMHT and had close friend I could talk to.)

Tbh, if you don't work, don't have people who you see day to day and don't engage with any community groups it's little wonder that you feel 'othered' by society and isolated. It's because you are isolated. Do you get ESA of some sort, or JSA? Could you volunteer for an hour or two per week at a charity shop or similar?
I felt different when I worked - I tend to get on with everyone on a basic level but never made friends at work really. (But most of my jobs I was early 20s whilst working with women who were older with children or almost retirement age - we were so different). I know a lot of people, we used to always be in each others houses, eating togther, just spending time together, lots of us in insecure or low paid work or intermittently on benefits, so no much money for socialising but time and community spirit. But things change. I was somewhat 'othered' by people for being mentally ill (though certain people were really vicious and nasty). But also a lot of people had known each other years and I was a relative newbie, so although it appeared very communal actually it was just chance of various friendship groups coming togther at a point in time. Whereas I was an 'extra' , on the fringes, so as community dissolved, people moved away, had children, got serious steady work, they still see their close friends but the sense of community has gone. I still see these people around, have a natter in the supermarket or the occasional party (for some of them). But it's been like that all my adult life, in two different locations - loads of aquaintances, few friends.

I haven't made myself isolated, that has come as a result of not fitting in. I felt just as freaky a few years ago when I was seeing people all the time. I still try to socialise where possible.

The only reason feeling alone with it all is a problem is not about how many people i know or see - its about whether i can actually be open with any of them, or have to hide how i feel. It's isolating to be alone in a crowd.

My main problem is feeling overwhelmed, hoepeless, exhausted, struggling to conentrate, and having instruive disturbing memoriesand nightmares. Every other problem follows on from these. Of course Icant go out and see pope if im unable to stop crying. I cant cope with things being at a set time, and am struggling to get my uni work done. I literally dont have TIME to volunteer right now. I tried before i started the course and had to keep cancelling because I was too unwell on the day, it just made me feel worse.

This is what i dont understand - i have kept on trying for years and years. I havent isolated myself, stopped trying or anything. I have kept on doing the right things, it just doesnt seem to be paying off.

dangrmouse being kicked by a psyhiatrtist and called a watse of space when youre vulnerable IS abuse