I dont know what to do and its all getting worse

[elementofsurprise]

I dont think i'm supposed to need help, I mean, I can't expect people to care or be there for me. But I'm not coping alone so I'm unsure what to do now. I keep trying to tell myself it'll all be ok and just keep pressing on, but in reality im spending more and more time just weeping and barely leaving flat and my world is so restricted and everyting just seems harder and harder. I feel like im completely spearate from others, like we speak a different language or something. I dont know how to ask for help or who to ask. My local MH services are very very overstretched and don't offer longterm therapy etc, im not an imminent danger to myself or others which is all they cover. Yet my problems are complex and disabling so the primary care team wont see me either as also dont meet their remit.

For years I've not had proper friends, just people I know, well maybe proper friends in some ways but all misfits like me. That sounds nasty, its not meant to, I just mean not people I can rely on or massively similar etc. And mainly just people I hung out with rather than proper friends. Bit of a studently feel to it, if that makes sense - I felt quite dfferent because i'd mastered stuff like housework . I have loads of aqauintances who are more simiar to me in other ways but because i'm unemployed and perceived as 'mental' I don't fit in. My marginalisation and lonliness has made me weirder, too. I barely see anyone now, the odd social event but apart from that just one person who pops in to see me. I can do socialising, i'm good at parties and things at chatting to people, I just cant seem to make proper friends and as get older is harder. But that is not the point of my post, just explaining why I cant turn to anyone. Although I shouldn anyway.

I want to give up. Im so frightened. Im not suicidal exactly but Im scred im going to go properly mad, or already starting. Im doing Open Uni and focussing on that but finding concentration so hard. Getting more anxious and shaky. Keep just crying. I just do not know what to do after trying so hard with evetything for so long. Open uni seemed like a good idea but it means i go out even less as getting the work done. Anything I try to do to make things better just seems another mountin to climb and means i have to give up something else. I'm less capable by the day. I feel completely overhlemed with the horror and pain that has been my life, I feel sick with the mess of it all despite always trying so hard. I dont even know how to ask for help anymore because if I see anyone I automatically cover it all up. Not completely sucessfully, I tend to just seem a bit dozy instead of sad.

I have a GP appt tomorrow but its to discuss referral to CMHT he made. They have asked him not to refer me again, so I expect they've rejected it. Even if they havent they are convinced I have BPD. If I do, I dont present with it typically. All their focus is on getting me to act the part and not ask for any help (I dont self harm or anything). They see me not being in touch as a success, the pressure to just keep quiet and please them is immense. I cant tell anyone how it feels inside and if I do they dont listen, or think it's attention seeking or something. I just can't get them to take any notice of or help with the problems I actually have.

Im so sorry, I just dont know what to do. I dont know what I'm supposed to think, whether Im suppsoed to need help or what to do either way. Im so sorry.

And i dont understand these acustaions of victim mentality. I have been treated like shit, am i supposed to just let them, or am i allowed to feel outraged about it?

ive spent my life feeling i deserved bad treatment, now iam standing up to it.

should i berate myself for having nightmares? or comfort myself? You seem towant me to hate myself and blame myself for being treated like shit.

how the fuck do i make the memories and nightres stop coming? how do i cope with breaking down in tears and feeing overhwlmed and exhausted and hopeless everyday? the only thing that helps is reminding myself i didnt deseve the shit

also, what services did to me reallt affected me. its integrl tomy problems. Icant pretend it didnt happen in order to get help from them now. the stuff iwent through, that shouldnt have happened., because of what they did is what gives me nightmares/

yeh im just shit and should die. i should smashmyself to pieces to save you lot the bother.

the nurses who have done this to me ARE EVIL. they are not like nurse should be. they are orrible bullies.. I KNOW WHAT HEPEND EVEN IF YOUDOT BELIEVE ME
i must destroy myself thats what they ay FUCK you

I have only ever had one post deleted element, your accusations are simply untrue.

I'd also recommend that you go back and read your threads, as you desire so many other people to do. It may assist you in keeping what you say now factual.

I have posted on a few of your threads before OP but gave up in the end. I have followed this thread from the beginning. I'm sorry you're still struggling but I have to say that I read Keema's post and you are seriously misconstruing what (s)he said. It was not as you are depicting.

keema said stuff that is factually untrue. I have never been offered, or stayed in a therapeutic communty. There were other factual errors too, i cant rememebr now as i dont have the post. But i wrote a long reply correcting all the errors and twisted bits. Keema seems to have no idea hw to talk to someoe whosupset and feels like shit. i didnt deserve the shit thathappened to me, i dont know hpw to make the pain go away. apart from self injury which ive had to turn to again n lieu of anythig else. great. there is no point seeking help here or anywhere else

I have had no posts on this thread deleted. I have never twisted facts, just relayed information you yourself have provided on other threads. I believe you are confusing me with another poster, who again got their information from your own threads.

Kindly take back what you have said about me element as it is simply not true.

While I can't post what I wrote on here as it would be deleted. Would it be helpful for you if I sent a screen shot to remind you of what I said via PM? Or would you then relate it as me sending you abusive messages?

also what i dot understand is if i posted just how i felt people would be supportive, yet when i try to remind mysef i didnt deserve the crap that happened, people seem to want to tell me i did, or to bottle it up. i bttled it up for years which is why i broke down.

I asked for help as a teen, services wouldnt help and made it a lot worse, so i ended up going throuhg other crap i now have horrible memeories and nightmares about. Its this stuff that is the worst. i didnt know how to escape abusive realtionships because i was just told it was all my falt and no one wanted me and i was an awful person.

now i know thats not true but every dayis so hard, i keep trying my best bt its all i can do to kee going at a very basic level. im only just managing to have a shower every day and eat something. Tryingto get course work done and concentration shot to pieces. now on top of it all i keep getting gruesome images in my mind and getting anxious if things arent even numbers. thats just started last couple of days, has happened before.

Im exhausted, frightened,i dont understand things and i just want to give up now. if you cant help or be kind then please stop giving me more to deal with. i reached out fr some support and clearly souldnt have.

Element, I do hear you are in a hell of a lot of pain.

Some things jump out at me from your posts. Only cos I've done similar myself. It's so much easier to see it in someone else though!

I noticed some very black and white thinking. Which I do too, and it makes me feel worse and panicked:

'Im never allowed to just have a cry and reach out for someone to say "i hear you, i understand."'
[my bold]

People on here have heard and acknowledged your pain - but not everyone has. So 'never' is not true, and the more you repeat that, the worse you are likely to feel. Can you acknowledge that some, such as HowDoI, have offered unconditional validation and empathy?

'Instead i'm forced to hide how I feel and it just makes it all worse, makes it all seem shameful and wrong and like i am supposed to support and comfort others but have to keep my own pain inside.'

You are expressing yourself on here, very strongly! Some people react negatively to that, but you are not being silenced.
Some, including me, suggested that you get involved with others' threads. You explained that when you have and do help others a lot. Fine - you clarified it. You aren't 'supposed' to do anything, you don't 'have to' do anything - it was just suggestions. (They might get repeated but that's the nature of threads on here - happens all the time.)

But it's like you are - unwittingly -giving others too much power, to make a final judgement of your conduct and come up with a solution. I want that sometimes too, I think it comes from separation and a wobbly sense of self. But it just ain't gonna happen!

I love this quote: "We all have our own subjective realities"
ie there are not many absolutes in judging another person (apart from if they are harming others).

I haven't experienced nightmares and intrusive thoughts only briefly, but I can imagine they set you up for finding it very hard to challenge your habitual thoughts. Nevertheless the rigid style of thinking you show in your posts, and I see in myself, does keep us in pain.

But you are not being ignored.

ok where did say anything about a therpeutic community?

Honestly, element, ongoing conversations with people who are frustrated and criticising you really won't help you. I can see you're feeling like you need to defend yourself, but you could just disengage - as could they. We're all coming to this with our own baggage.

*desperation not separation

elle People on here have heard and acknowledged your pain - but not everyone has. So 'never' is not true...
I was parphrasing - ok then, i can never just have a cry and reach out without someone criticising me. If it was just the nice posts here that wuld be fine. i dont expect anyone to solve the problems just im in so much pain and when ts so bad i cnt think straight i post and just need someone to hear, ithink.

And i am forced to keep it inside - if reaching out makes it worse becaus people are nasty or just dont understand or try to make me get help that isnt there (like calling services and i end up spending night in A&E which really isnt hepful) then i am forcedto keep it inside because there is literally no outlet that wont make it worse.

I find it very difficult to believe that you were kicked by a psychiatrist. Keema is offering to send you a screen shot to prove she is not lying but you seem to have lost interest in that.

Do you acknowledge that many of us struggle with mental illness with limited help from mental health services as their budgets are severely depleted. It's not just you...........the threads are for us to support each other - I mentioned before that you don't "reach out" to others and you posted to say you didn't understand to whom you should be reaching out! People on the thread of course. Try it.

Keema
In this early thread her Therapist is good, but therapy was grinding to a halt in her own words as element wasn't coping. She shouted at the therapist down the phone for the first time. The therapist - again in elements own words on a later thread - stopped the sessions when element again shouted at or threatened her again. She has since been rebranded by element as someone who was crap and unprofessional and the people who don't know the whole story, buy into it.

This is one example of how the narrative has changed. I've also seen in the OPs own words that she was forcibly removed from the GP surgery after the GP pressed the panic button - but the OP couldn't understand why as she'd done nothing wrong. This makes no sense. How professionals were able to say one thing to the OPs friends, for them to drop her completely. This makes no sense. Short of "she's a murdering paedophile" which would be a ridiculous thing to say, I can't think of anything that someone could say to my friends to make them all drop me just like that.

I suggest you reread your own posts. The above is vicious and nasty. You are accusing element of lying and you know it.

It has been made clear to you that you are not helping element. I'm sorry you are not doing well at the moment but that doesn't make it OK to take things out on her.

Element, I have had a long and difficult day so struggling to compose a reply. I'm still here listening though and hoping you can get through this tough time and be a bit kinder to yourself.

Wow Nana. Accusing element of lying about being kicked by a psychiatrist? Did you really mean to be so vicious and nasty?

She didn't say she didn't know who you were referring to her reaching out to. And she does post on others' threads - she has done on mine!

keema's deleted post was similar to the above iirc. MN considered it deletable. Keema oughth to think about that.

People - if you think element is making stuff up, that's trolling and feel free to report it. Otherwise, like I said, if you can't be helpful and are picking on a distressed poster who is just as vulnerable as others on here, probably more than some right now, take a look at yourselves.

I think we cross posted. I see you don't want to reach out to others as they might be "nasty" and make you feel worse, or call an ambulance, which we couldn't do as we don't know where you live or are in need of an ambulance.

You say that you are "forced to keep it inside because there is literally no outlet that won't make it worse" and there we have it................

nana I was kicked by a psychiatrist. you not believeing itdoesnt make it untrue. But its fucking horrible to be disbelieved over this stuff. Would you say that to someone struglging with somethig else? Someone in an absive realtionship - "well he seems a nice bloke to me"? This is how they get away with it ! people woldnt believe the stuf dodgy staff do.

I know others dont get help. Why do you think i dont know that? Its other people always telling me to seek help - even mumsnet's little messge they put on tells posters to seek help. I have to keep explaining i cant get any because people seem to think i can just "go and seek help" and encouraging me to! I wish i could just say "i cant get help from services" but peopl always want to point me back in their direction.

I dont understand the last bit of your post at all. my op here was reaching out. When sick and cofused and overhwlmed and trying not to hurt myself.

im too frihtened to post anymore in case i get hurt anymore becasue i am not in a good state right now

Broken1Girl - If you think it's vicious and nasty to try and highlight how the narrative changes and doesn't make sense then I can live with that as it doesn't.

If you believe that someone with the 13 years of training that it takes to become and consultant psychiatrist would risk it all by randomly kicking a patient, then I'm out.

Can I suggest element, that, if you are self harming, that you call the police and ask them to take you to a place of safety.

It's obvious that you are presently very unwell and you need to be seen as a matter of urgency.