Keeping it real in the depersonalisation/derealization hang out thread

[JeepersMcoy]

Following a thread in Chat where a few people have said they suffer from depersonalisation and derealization issues I thought it would be nice to move the conversation to somewhere a bit safer and out of the Chat traffic. It has really helped me to just hear that there are other people out there who feel how I feel and I would love to be able to come and share good days and bad days with you all.

Biscuits, cakes and nibble are provided along with a selection of hot and cold, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (all dietary requirement catered for). Pull up a chair and and together we can attempt to hold onto some semblance of reality.

Bursar, I decompress by nesting up in comfy, soft clothing, lots of blankets, coffee, food.
Having certain belongings near me.
I feel safer this side of my front door, knowing my DC are home.
I definitely eat to feel safe.
I don't use alcohol or Class A's anymore but by God, I eat

I sleep a lot, our house is very quiet

Hopefully your mix-up is just a glitch Bursar and the chat with your GP gets it sorted.

Hello, how is everyone today? I had a pretty quiet weekend which was nice.

bursar have you got anywhere with your appointment mix up?

I saw my GP yesterday, and while I'm not any clearer as to what happened (although she didn't to doubt me luckily when I say I wasn't actually seen), she was going to refer me back again.

Room all of that sounds very familiar. Definitely better than alcohol and Class As! I'm despairing about my weight though from all this comfort eating. I also often take a shower when coming home. It's like washing the outside world off me, then putting comfy homey clothes on afterwards.

I'm feeling more or less okay. I've been doing a lot of escapist stuff the past few days. Reading some fantasy and playing some computer games. Trying to catch up with the previous season of Game of Thrones.

Sigh. It's Bursar here by the way. I forgot I NC'ed for a different thread.

I'm glad the gp appointment went OK bursar/just.

I'm tired today. Last night dh went out and I knew he would be back really late but I still woke in the middle of the night and went into full catastrophe mode when he wasn't there. By the time he got home I had almost convinced myself he was in a terrible accident and was trying to work out what I was going to tell his mum in the morning.

I decompress by writing in my journal. I also sleep a lot. If I have had a difficult day I'll curl up in bed and nap. My bed is my safe space and I often wish I could just go into hibernation for a while. I used to comfort eat but severe IBS has put a stop to that.

We are watching the first episode of the new GoT series tonight. I am so excited! :o

I also have a history with alcohol and drugs. Now I never drink alcohol or take any drugs. The strongest thing I have is a cup of coffee! I came to the decision my head was squiffy enough without encouraging it, plus I found I like being sober (which was quite a surprise I can tell you)

Glad the ball is rolling again with referral justnot

I too hate how big I've got. I look pregnant, I'm solid.
I can't muster the give a shit to do anything about it. I sit here shovelling it in.
I'm going away soon and I am worried people will think I look terrible. I know in reality, no one is looking but I wish I cared about myself more.
Finding clothes is a struggle (I have many sensory issues)

Other than that, all is ok.

Sobriety was a huge novelty to me too!!

Alcohol is like poison to me and my head often behaves like I still neck piles of MDMA.

I'm not great with TV (no attention span )
but I really enjoyed a show called Flowers on C4.
Looking forward to tonight's episode.

We've made it into May!

My attention span sucks too, Room. It's especially noticable if I'm trying to read something. Audio books are a blessing for me, although I can't seem to concentrate on just listening to a book, I need to do something with my hands while I'm at it.

We're having quite a nice, relaxed weekend. I seem to be feeling pretty good and optimistic. I'm even signing up for the low carb bootcamp in two week's time, hoping that'll help me control my binge eating!

My counsellor suggested I start keeping a notebook and pen by my bed, so I can get any disturbing thoughts or dreams "out of my head" at night. I'm quite liking it so far.

Whoop! Happy May! :)

That's really interesting what you say about not concentrating on reading bursar. I used to read loads constantly, but when I got pregnant and my mum's cancer returned I completely lost the ability to read. I just couldn't concentrate at all! It was really odd and very upsetting as reading was such a huge part of my identity (I have post-grad in literature). Dd is now 4 and I have just started to be able to finish a book again. It's sort of a relief to hear someone else who has the same thing. Everyone else I have mentioned it to has sort of looked at me like I was making it up or exaggerating the problem.

I went out on Friday to a leaving thing for someone at work. I lasted about half an hour before the fishbowl descended and I politely made my excuses and left. Still just getting myself there and making conversation for a whole half an hour is pretty good going for me. I have been a bit up and down for the rest of the weekend though. Sort of like having a hangover but without any actual drinking involved.

Jeepers Well done getting out on Friday, and I think it's only wise to only stay as long as it felt right.

Re. reading - yes it's upsetting when you suddenly can't do something you always used to enjoy. I'm glad to hear it's getting better for you. I used to read lots and lots as well, but it got suddenly hard for me ten years ago, when I had really bad insomnia and a bad patch with my mental health. I was actually in hospital for a little while, and DH brought me a book and magazines, and I'd just stare at them and not be able to take anything in.

It's got better since then though, but I still can't devour books like I used to. I read short chapters at a time and my attention wanders a lot. But I do love the audio books and my Audible subscription. :)

Yes, I am the same Bursars. I just can't seem to get lost in a book for hours like I used to. I'm glad it is improving for you even if it is a slow road.

I have been off work this week. I just had some leave I needed to use up so at home on my own. It has been nice to have a rest on the one hand but on the other I have found myself slipping back into disassociation a lot after a few days. I think it has made me realise how reliant I have become on work as a sort of crutch.

On the plus side I finally took the exercise advice posted earlier in the thread and have been running twice this week! I am not sure if it is helping, but figure its worth a shot.

Hi all.

I keep forgetting to post.
It's very easy to disconnect from a thread about disconnecting. The irony

I'm spending my days quietly.
I've no interest in much, but in a good way ITMS.

Have a meeting with HR next week to discuss my situation.
I'm hoping they offer to terminate my contract and I can slope off quietly but it's unlikely to be that simple.
I shall worry about it nearer the time.

Good to have a bit of downtime Jeepers, even if it means having to be without your routine. I hope you've managed to relax a bit. And well done about the exercise! I'm on week 6 of Couch to 10k and while I kind of hate the actual exercise, the feeling afterwards is very nice.

Room good luck with the meeting!

I had a tiring counselling yesterday, talking about sexual abuse etc. I binged on food as soon as I got home, and it all completely wiped me out. Still recovering today, I think. I made myself go out for a bit, but just ended up buying ice cream and comfort eating some more. Feeling very flat and battered now, somehow.

Talking emotionally is very draining.
It can make us feel raw.
Perfectly reasonable reaction to speaking about sexual abuse.
I hope you're ok Bursar
Feeling flat and battered will lessen and dilute.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today bursar. If it was easy than you would have done it ages ago. Talking about things you have hidden even from yourself for years is hard and exhausting, but just making a small step is an achievement. Give yourself some comfort and love if you need it

I think this is the sort of thread you can pick up and drop room. We are all experts at that sort of thing after all

Thanks Room and Jeepers. I've had a better day today. The weather was lovely and I've been feeling mellow.

The whole past abuse thing feels a bit like a scab I've discovered that I want to keep picking at right now. I don't know if it's a good thing really, or not. I don't really know how to pick at it! My memories are all very vague, fragmented and jumbled up, and I don't know how to remember more, or make more sense of them.

It sounds like you have opened the box bursar. We are here for you to talk if you need it. :)

We finally got to my absolute crippling fear of rejection and complete inability to trust anyone at my last therapy session (it has taken 8 sessions and I didn't half make him work for it). It's strange when you get to it and you have known it all the time but still saying it out loud takes for ever. It's both earth shattering and anticlimactic at the same time. I am glad that we have got closer to the actual issue now, but also scared as it means I will have to face all the blocks I have put in place to protect my self.

Bursar.... I like your scab analogy.
I think our instincts are amazing, they prepare us and strengthen us for when times are right for dealing with hard stuff.
We self protect, I find it quite lovely.
Thinking about you has made my own abuse meander through head a bit, and everytime it does, it hurts less, he matters less.
So thank you. Your ability to deal with yours has rippled out in a positive way

Jeepers, getting to the nitty gritty of a thing is great.
The saying it out loud etc.
Really helps me with perspective and definition.
So I know how big a thing is and I also know it is only that size. I understand the parameters and it makes coping with it doable.

I sound like a self help book today

Jeepers it's great that you've got to the big issues in therapy, even if it was the last session (for now?). It is scary, but luckily you don't have to solve it all at once, and you know you can look for help too, so you won't have to solve it alone.

Room I'm glad what I wrote caused some positive ripples your way! :) I think my brain rations out quite well just how much of the past I'm able to cope with at any one time. It's quite bizarre sometimes, but also admirable.

I'm seeing a nurse at my GP's surgery today for some routine checks, but somehow quite nervous about it. I know it'll be just fine - it's nothing triggering like a smear or anything like that. Sometimes just going to the surgery and/or seeing any HCP is oddly difficult.

At least it's sunny out, and all my washing is drying in the wind. :)

derealization is a bastard

Flowers
Sorry to hear that.
Do you want to talk?

Hi Room, I'm withdrawing from meds very slowly but have good days and bad days. The derealization is terrifying and just fucking awful. I've had it since I was 11 (25 now) and been on meds since I was 16. I just wish I knew how to stop it from happening.

It is scary, bless you!!

A med change will eventually level out, but I feel for you, it is awful.