I've really messed up.

[Criminy]

I've really messed up. Oh god DH is going to be so upset/angry/stressed. He's going to leave me/kick me out. Saw CPN for first time in many months today. For some reason I just let it all out - that I've been SHing again (some needing medical attention), that I can't shake the suicidal urges...I've been going to the train tracks and the woods again. Why did I? So stupid.

CPN has called crisis team, they're going to come tomorrow. She said she had to call DH to tell him about suicidal urges. He said a couple of months ago that he couldn't cope if I got bad again, like I was last year (4 months inpatient). The stress would end him. So I've been trying to not show how bad things have been.

But then one of his biggest issues in our marriage is that I don't talk to him about stuff. So I really did feel like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

A couple of weeks ago I SHd badly, it needed treatment, then it developed cellulitis. I hid it from him. Last night I finally said that a couple of weeks ago I hurt my leg. He just said "and you're telling me this now, why?", I said I just thought he should know, and it was infected but it seems to be doing ok now. He just changed the subject. I don't know how to take that/how to read it. I'm shit at emotions and reading people anyway.

Really struggling with urges now, can't cope with this, totally panicking.

A couple of the nurses think that my pain meds situation is ridiculous. They've both spoken to the doctor, so hopefully something will be done. I'm not holding my breath though.
I have my therapist (private) who I guess may be able to at least talk to the team here, as she's spent a lot more time with me. Not sure if she would or not. I next see her on Thursday.

Yesterday evening was awful. A woman tried to slit her throat with a piece of broken glass (no idea what or how she got hold of it). She didn't cut very deep, she didn't have to go to A&E or anything, but there was a lot of blood. A bank nurse tried to take the glass off of her and cut her hand badly, she had to go to A&E. I hope she's ok, she was really lovely.

Last year a friend of mine slit her throat and killed herself. This just brought it all back, and the voices wouldn't stop blaming me and going on and on about it from every angle. I couldn't stop crying and having panic attacks. Didn't sleep til gone 3am again.

I'm so messed up. And I have 2 weeks to get better - we are going on holiday, our first holiday in 7 years, so first with the kids, on 8th April. The time pressure is crushing me.

I have a new plan and I'm really struggling to stay here on the ward and not go and do it. But if I say anything to the nurses they'll move me back to level 3 obs. I'm currently on level 4 obs, which means checked every hour and can come and go as I want, within reason. That means I can go out for a cigarette whenever I want, 8am-8pm. Level 3 obs mean checking every 15 mins, cigarette breaks at 8:45am and then 8pm. Can go out of the ward if accompanied by a visitor only. So I really don't want to go back to level 3. Plus I'll be in here even longer then.

Just been catching up. So sorry to read all of this, your doctor sounds mad altho I do understand about the od but you can't in hospital and they can give you weekly prescription's so no need to stop surely! I am on weekly prescriptions and at one point was on daily so it can be managed better.
Did you get chance to phone the gp to enlist his help?
Please tell the nurses how you feel - think of your dc and try not to leave the ward for your plan. Level 3 obs are for your safety - I have been on them (always am when in hospital as I abscond given any chance) and it is a pain but if you can bear to be in the communal area it's less obvious.
The more you talk to the nurses and tell them about the voices urging you to do things the more they can help.
Hope you can hang on. I imagine you can cancel the holiday and be covered on the insurance - would it be worth investigating to take the time pressure off you?

Well yesterday was shit. And so far today's been shit too.

Yesterday one of the women disappeared. She was messaging me though, but saying cryptic things, and just answering questions "yes" or "no". Wouldn't tell me where she was, but was saying some very worrying things, she was going away, she'd hurt herself etc. So I told staff. I was very aware of being dragged into some kind of BPD drama (& told staff that) but I was worried about her. I had no contact with her for a while, then she eventually messaged me saying she was scared and out the front of the unit. I went to go and get her, she'd cut her arms and legs moderately badly. Took her back to ward and to nurse, who patched her up.

Then about half an hour later I was sat on a seat and the woman next to me turned to me and said that she was going to put her head through the internal window nearby. I said no, please don't etc. She sat there for a few mins then got up and walked to the other side of the window. She looked right at me and I was shaking my head no and saying no, but then hit her head on the window. Several times. Luckily the window didn't break. I screamed for staff and they came running.

The voices were so bad last night. That I'm hurting everyone around me. Night nurse gave me my morphine and a zopiclone to try and knock me out but it didn't work, had a bit of a chat with her and she gave me diazepam too. She was very lovely.

A lot of people here complain all the time, saying the nurses don't give a shit. But I think it's because they're being disruptive, swearing a lot, demanding things. I just speak to them very politely and quietly and I think they're great.

The nurse suggested going home for an hour this weekend to see DH & the kids, I could pop up to M&S in main hospital and get them some Easter eggs. DH said no, he and the kids weren't going to spend all a day in the car, they were going to do something fun. Then he went on a bit about how low he is, how he can only see the negatives in everything, how he just wants to survive the weekend. (This was all on whatsapp) I started crying. Found a nurse to tell her no point going to get Easter eggs, DH wouldn't come to me. She took me aside and we had a good chat about it, she's going to call DH to talk about ways of supporting him. I'm really glad about that, I'm really worried about him.

So it's been a very tumultuous 24 hours. Voices are worse now too. The man in my head is pushing me out. I'm so emotional, I cry at anything, and I'm very up and down. Usually I struggle to show any emotion. I feel like the man is pushing me out of my brain, and I'm all squeezed into just the emotional bit. I don't feel like a whole person.

Wow that was quite long. I think it's probably good to get it out though?

Glad the nurses are supporting you and hopefully can help dh too. Can they help with the man in your head?