I've really messed up.

[Criminy]

I've really messed up. Oh god DH is going to be so upset/angry/stressed. He's going to leave me/kick me out. Saw CPN for first time in many months today. For some reason I just let it all out - that I've been SHing again (some needing medical attention), that I can't shake the suicidal urges...I've been going to the train tracks and the woods again. Why did I? So stupid.

CPN has called crisis team, they're going to come tomorrow. She said she had to call DH to tell him about suicidal urges. He said a couple of months ago that he couldn't cope if I got bad again, like I was last year (4 months inpatient). The stress would end him. So I've been trying to not show how bad things have been.

But then one of his biggest issues in our marriage is that I don't talk to him about stuff. So I really did feel like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

A couple of weeks ago I SHd badly, it needed treatment, then it developed cellulitis. I hid it from him. Last night I finally said that a couple of weeks ago I hurt my leg. He just said "and you're telling me this now, why?", I said I just thought he should know, and it was infected but it seems to be doing ok now. He just changed the subject. I don't know how to take that/how to read it. I'm shit at emotions and reading people anyway.

Really struggling with urges now, can't cope with this, totally panicking.

Please don't take on any of his blame or shame. You are not well and in need of help, he had every opportunity to ask you and talk to you but chose not to.

He says he didn't ask me because he didn't want me to feel under pressure or defensive. I've fucked this right up.

Oh shit, I'm sorry lovely.

Sounds like 'd'h is being a twat atm - neither of you can really be rational right now. When you're better you can talk it through, get couples counselling if necessary...just don't think about it right now. Concentrate on getting better.
Professionals have decided hospital is the right place for you atm. I'm glad you will be safe.
Here if you need to talk.

After an hour of how awful I am I went to bed. DH stayed downstairs on the sofa. About another half hour later DH came up and said that he's really sorry for shouting and having a go. He's not promising that the marriage will survive this though.

I feel wracked with guilt for putting DH and DC through this again. DC struggled last year, and they've been very clingy ever since, petrified that I'm going to leave them.

DH has always refused couples counselling, although he spoke to one of the nurses a bit with me when I was in hospital last time.

We're supposed to be going on holiday in a few weeks. First holiday in 7 years, so first one with the DC.

Jesus would he act this way if you had any other illness? I doubt it. What if you had to go into hospital for any other reason, would he threaten a marriage breakdown or insist he has to change his job? Sounds like he doesn't understand mental health at all and he can't be bothered to learn.

He is not some sort of Saint that has dedicated his life to giving you everything and you do not owe him anything. He could have asked a thousand times but he couldn't be bothered, And you were scared to talk to him because of his previous behaviour and these little hinted threats he's dropped everywhere, so what does he expect? It sounds like he's made the situation 1000x worse and he only has himself to blame.

Hospital will be a good, safe place where you can get the help you actually need, try and focus on you getting better for your sake and no one else's. You're incredibly strong to have got this far! You should be proud of that.
Do you have any family or friends nearby that can help support you through this?

I'm not really sure how he acts to other illnesses. I have epilepsy, he just got annoyed when I couldn't drive for a couple of years. I have back and leg problems - bulging discs, asymmetrical pelvis, arthritis, trapped nerves. He just pretty much ignored that too. Sometimes complains that I moan too much. Isn't very interested in what's going on with it or anything.

But then I say things like that and it makes him sound really horrible, so I feel bad for saying that.

I have a couple of friends that I talk to a bit , one lives about 1.5 hours away though and has a newborn. The other has her own mental health issues and I don't want to drag her down with me.

We are all conscious of selling people in a bad light when we moan about them because we are giving one side of them.
But the thing is, the good points of a person don't outweigh or balance the bad points, it just doesn't work like that. If a person has really bad points and can be outright nasty or uncaring they don't get a free pass because they are sometimes nice. It sounds like you have quite a few problems and he can't bring himself to give a shit about any of them or seeks to blame you for them in some way and that's just not on and a shitty attitude.
You can't help having health problems that you can't control, he has complete control over the way he behaves.

I understand not wanting to talk to people about your problems when they have similar problems. But if she is your friend I think she would want to know, I would definitely want to know. Plus people that have their own experience of mental health issues will be able to understand more,

How are you feeling today? Have you got any plans or just trying to relax?

You raise some very good points, there's a lot of stuff there I can mull over. I guess one of the other issues I have with DH is how he treats DD, he can be quite nasty to her sometimes. But then he works hard and provides for us all, the kids want for nothing. I can't help but think that he works really hard but I feel really lazy and that I'm taking advantage of him. And doesn't everybody have things they don't 100% like about their partners, its a compromise?

Today DH is putting up new fence panels with a neighbour, so I'm looking after DC. I want to just go so badly, but can't. Crisis team lady called at 9:15 saying she was just leaving the office on her way here, but she's still not here.

Well yes and no, but not supporting you through health problems and being outright nasty to you and your daughter is a big black mark in my opinion.

Also just because someone earns money doesn't mean they can make you miserable. You presumably look after your children? It's a marriage, there are different roles but the earner doesn't trump the carer and vice versa.

Do you have the crisis woman's mobile number? I'm sure she'll be there soon, she probably got caught by a colleague leaving the office or stuck in some traffic, don't worry xxx
If it gets to 12:30 and still nothing give them a call back

Yes, I look after the children. A couple of months ago DH was on about me getting a job, it's very awkward though as as far as I know I'm still technically employed in my last job. DH would just argue that he never wanted kids anyway. He's said that in arguments several times before, never said it while we were ttc though.

Crisis team lady finally came about 1:30. She gave me diazepam and zopiclone, I had to fight a bit to be allowed to be in charge of my own meds. But, as I pointed out, I have no history of overdose, really struggle to swallow tablets anyway and it's not worth risking more seizures from my epilepsy when it's well-controlled at the moment. That seemed to satisfy her though.

We're supposed to be going to the park with the kids this afternoon, but I don't have the energy after taking that diazepam (she made me take one while she was here).

I'm currently torn between doing a runner and SHing. I just need to destroy myself.

Don't do either, go to the park with the kids. The fresh air will clear your head. Either that or let the diazepam knock you out so you sleep instead of SH. You won't benefit anything by SH and you could make things worse with your 'D'H which you don't need right now.
Could you exercise somewhere (god I hate myself for suggesting that because it's so cliche!)? I used to run or do aerobics until my lungs burned and my muscles couldn't hold me up, it gave the same relief feeling as SH but without the wounds.
Don't run. Don't SH. You've done so, so well the past few days getting a support system in place for yourself and it's all about to work out for you, just hold on a little bit longer

DS has just broken his spare pair of glasses after having broken his usual pair a few days ago. So I'm going to have to take him to the optician to see what they can do. I think both frames will need replacing, not convinced they're fixable. We're supposed to be going to a birthday party tomorrow so I need to pick up a card and present anyway I guess.

If i go out with DS by ourselves then I can't run or SH. That makes me feel a bit panicky. Just have to hold on til we get back. You're right though, it would cause even more trouble with DH if he found out.
Although part of me thinks that now he knows I've been doing it that sort of gives me free reign to go nuts with it. And another part thinks that's it's expected of me, if that makes any sense?

I know quite a few people who love running. I can't really run as I'm far, far too overweight. I play badminton once a week though, at a club.

Kids are starting to suss something's up, they've been behaving a bit oddly.

Normal, day to day tasks are good for keeping you ticking over for now so that's a good thing to be doing.

There's no need to go nuts on the self harming, in fact using your logic about your DH already knowing you'd just be playing right into his expectations of you. You're more than that. It won't fix anything or even make you feel better, you know that deep down but you just have that demon in your head right now.

Oh and I am far too overweight as well! It makes it easier to get to the burning/hurting stage! My fitness levels were excellent this time last year although I did get told off in the gym for being too 'vigorous' with the machinery. Even things like downloading an app for squats/push ups/sit ups means you can do it in private in your bedroom quietly but still feel the pain.

If not exercise then how about picking up a colouring book? That tip was shared on mumsnet a few years ago and I think a lot of us really found it therapeutic, they even do adult ones now! The repetition and completion sensations are great for clearing your mind and keeping calm xx

You're right about a demon in my head. I don't even know who's voice is in my head, crisis team asked me if it was my voice or a different voice and I just don't know who's it is. I'm not convinced it's me.

Glasses frames aren't fixable, luckily they had one spare pair of frames, got to order the other in. So at least he's got one pair of glasses.

I might try and find my headphones so I can play piano for a bit. Not played for a long time. I've got some adult colouring books upstairs, last time I freaked out because I couldn't decide what colour to use where, but will try them again.

I put on over 3 stone last year when I was in hospital and on quetiapine, not managed to lose much since though. I was already pretty big before that too.

Thank you for posting, I really appreciate it

Oh wow you play piano?? Have you always played or picked it up later in life?

You don't need to worry about weight, I've struggled with mine due to depression, comfort eating/eating issues and crash dieting. Now I just don't care, I don't even know what I weigh. It makes life easier to lose that one extra obsession!

No problem about posting I know what it's like and mumsnet posters have helped me get through tough times in the past. There's something about talking to strangers with similar experiences that can be really comforting xxx

I taught myself piano, started when I was about 16. I used to play flute and drums too. Utterly hopeless at it all now though.

We don't have scales in the house, but my mum does so every now and then I weigh myself there and get a horrid shock.

You're right, talking to strangers who can relate is very comforting, especially as I'm struggling to talk irl so much. Its a lot easier to type than talk.

Your husband sounds like an arse. I have been thro similar and dh is totally supportive and even defends me to people who do not understand all the issues. OK he gets upset at times but never takes it out on me or the dc.
Sort yourself out and don't let him blame you for his shit - if he is stressed he needs to deal with it. Do you have IAPT in your area? I booked dh on a 'boost your mood' course and it does seem to have helped plus he has counselling which he organised so he can vent; it is hard living with bpd but he doesn't blame me for that!

DH is about to go in the shower and other grooming things. My legs are full of electricity ready to go. My heart is beating so fast.

How are you doing??

Just keep fighting those urges to run, you know it's not really you it's the fear and anxiety talking so don't let them take hold of you.

Are you still at home? Has your DH talked to you anymore about what's going on?

I'm at home. Just SHed. DH went to bed about an hour ago. Overwhelming urge to just run. My brain just gets so noisy, at least it's quietened down a bit now though.

DH hasn't really talked about anything this evening, just a bit of general chit-chat.

Do you mind me asking what you did? Was it a big or small SH? How are you feeling today, did you sleep ok?

Oh OP I'm so sorry youre going through this at the moment. Just hold on today and tomorrow you'll be somewhere safe and people will take care of you and you will get better I promise

Criminy. I'm sorry you feel so utterly crap.
I hope you're safe lovely. Let us know how you are

Burnt leg, looks a mess.
Eventually went to bed about 2:30 - originally tried for about 1 but DD kept getting up. Then DS was up at 6:30.

DH has just had a go at me. I'd just gotten out of the shower, he walked into the bathroom (door lock is rubbish). So I hid behind the door and my towel. He said "so are you going to show me what you're hiding from me?" No, I'm not. Then because I wouldn't I'm just proving his point that I never let him in, that I'm always shut away from him. I said I don't want anybody to see, it's not about him. But he said that he's not anybody, he's my husband so I should show him. Went on in a similar vein for a while. Just feel even shittier now. Ffs in the past he's been absolutely disgusted by it, why would I want that again? I don't even like looking at them, they never seem bad enough.

I hate anybody seeing my SH, even my DP. There's something about them that represents your pain, they aren't a burn or a cut they become a physical manifestation of the pain you're in and it's scary to let other people really see that.
Maybe you should go and talk to him now? Explain that you hate people seeing because they are a very private and intense thing that belong to you and you can't show them to other people, not even him.

My DP saw mine twice, once when he playfully grabbed my wrist and I screamed in pain because he'd pulled the cuts open and once when I went to town on my legs, for some reason legs are harder to hide (especially when they're as big as mine). He looked disgusted by them too, but then they were disgusting to look at, he wasn't disgusted by me. They did scare the daylights out if him though.

He doesn't need to SEE them to know they are there and that you inflicted them on yourself because you need help. Help he should be providing. Do you feel strong enough to talk to him today? Xxx

Does your leg need treatment, honey? Please get it checked out.