I've really messed up.

[Criminy]

I've really messed up. Oh god DH is going to be so upset/angry/stressed. He's going to leave me/kick me out. Saw CPN for first time in many months today. For some reason I just let it all out - that I've been SHing again (some needing medical attention), that I can't shake the suicidal urges...I've been going to the train tracks and the woods again. Why did I? So stupid.

CPN has called crisis team, they're going to come tomorrow. She said she had to call DH to tell him about suicidal urges. He said a couple of months ago that he couldn't cope if I got bad again, like I was last year (4 months inpatient). The stress would end him. So I've been trying to not show how bad things have been.

But then one of his biggest issues in our marriage is that I don't talk to him about stuff. So I really did feel like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

A couple of weeks ago I SHd badly, it needed treatment, then it developed cellulitis. I hid it from him. Last night I finally said that a couple of weeks ago I hurt my leg. He just said "and you're telling me this now, why?", I said I just thought he should know, and it was infected but it seems to be doing ok now. He just changed the subject. I don't know how to take that/how to read it. I'm shit at emotions and reading people anyway.

Really struggling with urges now, can't cope with this, totally panicking.

DH has just gone. I asked him where/when he'll be back, he said he doesn't know, he just has to get out of the house. I don't know if he's ever coming back.

I think leg will be ok, thanks, although DD just jumped on my lap and damaged it a bit. Will keep an eye out for infection like the other week.

He will come back, please stop worrying about him. Hopefully he goes somewhere to think about how HE can help this situation and how he can step up. It's tough for everyone and I'm sympathetic of that, but my sympathy runs out when they start up with the 'poor me, it's so hard for me' crap. Try being the one with the illness. Show them the burn tomorrow when you go to hospital and they can dress it and make sure it's ok.

What are you and the kids up to today? How old are they? (If you don't mind me asking!) x

Think that depends on what ward I end up on - first ward I was on didn't dress self-harm, no matter what it is. Second ward were horrified by that and looked after wounds really nicely.

DS is 5 and DD is 3. They're currently arguing about what to do this afternoon - DD wants to go to the park, DS wants to watch a Star Wars film. I guess DS wins because crisis team haven't even been in touch yet today, and not sure I can cope with the park. We're going to a birthday party this evening, so watching a film probably a good idea, don't want them too tired.

Glad we did wills last year, children will be looked after at least.

Hey stop talking about wills because you aren't going anywhere ok? That demon we talked about is all you're hearing when you think those things. One day soon you'll get to kick him up his big demony arse and tell him to piss off out of your life for good.

I would definitely side with your DS on the Star Wars film! Although down here it's a lovely day and I should probably go for a walk, I've settled for cleaning the whole house and opening up the windows for a good airing. Is a family or friends party? Xx

It's a lovely day here too. Almost makes it worse.

It's a friend's party, so lots of kids running round for DC to play with, which will be good for them.

I just wish I knew where DH has gone. He said he didn't know where he was going, but he set off in his car, so he must have some idea. What if he doesn't come back? What do I do?

My head is exploding. There's too much noise. I can't look after DC. They need someone better. Need to SH. Need to run away to the woods.

Can you call him and say you really need him back here now to help you?
He could have just gone for a drive around or just somewhere like a big car park to go and sit and think.

SH or running away is not going to make this any better. Don't hurt yourself, you don't deserve to be hurt. You are not a bad person or a useless person you are just lost at the moment, there are thousands of good things about you. I can say that for certain and I'm a stranger on the Internet! But I know you taught yourself to play piano and you played lots of instruments, which tells me you're creative and dedicated and sensitive. You have two beautiful children who you look after and play with even when you're sick which tells me your family means everything to you and that you have an awful lot of love to give. Even the way you defend your DH's actions and are so concerned about him shows me how loyal you are and how you still have a bit of fight in you to keep things together. So I know you are not a person that deserves to be hurt and you don't deserve this pain you're in right now but the only way you can make it go away is to just keep going.

Stick the kids in front of a film and go and sit in the garden with a cup of tea, it always feels noisier inside. Call your DH and just be blunt and say you need him back for support. Then take another diazepam and try to rest so your brain turns off for a bit xxxx we can get through today Criminy just keep going xxxx

Oh gawd, crisis team will be here any minute, they phoned a few mins ago. DS has just somehow kicked a radiator and pulled off 75% of a toenail, blood everywhere and he's hysterical.

I want you to know that I really, really appreciate every response.

Typed that last post a little while ago but didn't actually post it at the time.

Crisis team were here, I was in full-on panic mode. Took some diazepam, still feel really agitated. Lady thought I wasn't safe to drive, so maybe no party later after all. Still waiting for a bed.

Oh I'm glad they are coming! Thanks for updating Criminy Did you call them or did they call to check in with you?

Your poor DS! I hope it's nothing too bad with his foot and he feels better soon.

You're being really brave, well done!

I wish someone in the team would talk to your husband. Mostly to tell him how important it is for him to step up and be supportive but also to actually talk to him and give him support so he can help you!

The birthday party did seem really ambitious to me, but then I can't even leave my bedroom let alone get downstairs when I'm really bad (I don't have kids so no 'need' to be up) so I'm impressed at how well you're carrying on and doing things. Maybe just spend the night in with the kids watching tv?

If your DH does come back and could take the kids, would you feel safer being out around people or more relaxed home alone? I'm worried about you being alone tonight that's all. Xx

DH is back. He's being monosyllabic and not really talking. Won't say where he went, I asked him if it helped, he just said "well yeah, because I wasn't here for a few hours."
I asked him "what's up?", he said "nothing." Asked him how he was doing, he said "fine. You?" So I said "I'm still here,", he replied that he could see that.

I really wish somebody would talk to him too, but I'm not sure he'd listen. When I had the joint assessment they asked him about support for himself, would he like them to organise something. He just told them that when I was bad last year he'd been to see his gp and he still had all the numbers and details from then, so he'd be fine.

The kids and I are going to the party, DH doesn't want to go. Half and hour til we have to leave, hoping I'll be calm enough to drive, it's a 35 minute drive away.

Do you really think you should? I mean are you able to 100% and do you think it will be good for you?

I think you really need to sit down with your husband tonight and tell him how you feel. I know that's really hard to do but I think you both need it.
Start the conversation with a simple 'can we talk about this?' And explain you have SH and why ie. That its your release at the moment and it's the only way of coping. He might not understand it but there are a million reasons people self harm, it's not a good thing to do but it's part of our illness. As I said it's a way of physical manifesting your pain. Explain that you find it hard to talk to him and that you're scared of being in a lose/lose situation because if you tell him your scared of him leaving and if you don't tell him it gets worse and affects your marriage.

Ask him how he is coping and what he would like from you. He can expect you to get better because he wants it because it doesn't work like that. But maybe he'd like t come to a few sessions with you or talk to someone on his own. Show him you are trying your best to keep it together and do worry about him.

Don't apologise for anything, you have nothing to apologise for. But you need to talk. Please at least try. If he gets angry or starts insulting you then walk away and do NOT leave the house or hurt yourself. Do not let him make you hurt yourself.

Can't expect you*

sorry loads of typos in that.

Did party. Really don't think I should have, but didn't want to deny DC when they'd been looking forward to it. Luckily it was party of a good friend's son, so friend was there and was lovely.

Think I need to stop driving for a while, but I have to get DS to school tomorrow at least.

I will try and talk to DH. I'm useless at talking at the best of times, and DH's general demeanour is not making it any easier. He's barely spoken to me since I got back from party, still just short snappy answers.

Some men really do need to try thinking of other people's feelings. You need support - even a smallish amount - to help you recover your health

I'm glad you went and it was all ok. Did you speak to your friend about how you're feeling at all?

I hope you get to speak to your DH tonight, and I hope he listens. Whatever the outcome, remember you don't need to run or hurt yourself because of anything anyone says to you. It's a sign of their weakness if they can't comprehend mental illness, not yours. Good luck

I am thinking of you

DH has been really odd. Just sitting on the sofa doing nothing. Doesn't want to do anything, doesn't want the telly on. Doesn't want any dinner. Apparently by the time we got kids to bed it was too late (8:45ish) and "some of us have to get up and go to work in the morning so won't be staying up very late." Most he's said to me since we got home though. I ask him what's up, he says "nothing". I ask him what can I do to help, he says "nothing". I ask him if he wants to talk he says "not particularly".

After a while he asked if the plan is still to go in to hospital tomorrow. I said I think so, he said I'd better call his parents so they can come look after DD and pick up DS from school. I asked him what he's planning on doing with DC, he said put them into care. He can't work any other way. When I had that big assessment the other day they asked him if he would need support for the kids, morning and after school clubs extenuating circumstances to waive waiting list etc. He said No, he could sort it out. Well clearly he bloody can't if he wants to put them into care. Lying little shit. I thought it was sorted. He's going to call up and cancel DCs extracurricular activities tomorrow, they'll be heartbroken.

He says he's assuming I'll be in for at least 4 months as that's how long I was in last time for. I said I have no idea, the doctors did say hopefully nowhere near that long.

He's just gone to bed, leaving with "Goodnight. If I don't see you in the morning, I'll see you when you're out of hospital."

I think I'm going to get my mum here tomorrow. Hoping she can liaise with in-laws and try to work something out for the DC. Otherwise, if they're going into care then at least there's nothing at all to stop me killing myself. Proof I'm just fucking up the lives of the people I love and care about.

I really think he hates me. Actually, full-on, hates me.

Ok. He's had his chance. Literally fuck him. How fucking dare he even say he'd put his own kids into care??

He sounds like a petulant child, he clearly puts himself over everyone and yet makes you feel like your selfish?!?!

You won't be in hospital for four months, it won't be that long. Can you talk to your PIL and your mum tomorrow and get a plan together completely excluding your DH seeing as he can't be arsed anyway.

Argh, trust me if this guy does leave it sounds like the best thing he could ever do for you. He sounds like a prize twat. You can get better and have a great life with your kids, he will always be a self involved with a shitty attitude.

Are you ok? It must have been really rough hearing that but please don't let him hurt you xxx

I think I hate him. What an unhelpful, uncaring, selfish person. I can't believe a father would think he was more important than his children

Criminy.
I'm sorry you're feeling this bad. It's not your fault and I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.

I really think that you need to talk to someone about not leaving hospital to go home to this man. I know you have problems but seriously this guy is making you feel worse. It's a constant pressure on you being around him.

Your children will not go into care. But that he say that to punish you (that's what it is) is the height of cruelty.

I wish you all the best and I hope you feel better soon.

Thinking of you tonight Criminy, I really hope you're ok xxxxx

Will be thinking of you tomorrow as well, I hope it all goes well and you get settled in quickly in a decent ward. Let us know how it goes if you can

I'm sorry.
The kids won't go into care.
Agree with others, he's a twat and I would be reconsidering whether I wanted to be with him.
Hang on in there. You will be safe tomorrow.