I've really messed up.

[Criminy]

I've really messed up. Oh god DH is going to be so upset/angry/stressed. He's going to leave me/kick me out. Saw CPN for first time in many months today. For some reason I just let it all out - that I've been SHing again (some needing medical attention), that I can't shake the suicidal urges...I've been going to the train tracks and the woods again. Why did I? So stupid.

CPN has called crisis team, they're going to come tomorrow. She said she had to call DH to tell him about suicidal urges. He said a couple of months ago that he couldn't cope if I got bad again, like I was last year (4 months inpatient). The stress would end him. So I've been trying to not show how bad things have been.

But then one of his biggest issues in our marriage is that I don't talk to him about stuff. So I really did feel like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

A couple of weeks ago I SHd badly, it needed treatment, then it developed cellulitis. I hid it from him. Last night I finally said that a couple of weeks ago I hurt my leg. He just said "and you're telling me this now, why?", I said I just thought he should know, and it was infected but it seems to be doing ok now. He just changed the subject. I don't know how to take that/how to read it. I'm shit at emotions and reading people anyway.

Really struggling with urges now, can't cope with this, totally panicking.

[willowcatkin111]

Catching up after a day out. Hope you are safe now. Definitely speak to your parents to help with the dc whilst you are in hospital. Agree with the others - sounds like all 3 of you are better away from your selfish tw*t of a husband long term

[Criminy]

Fell asleep on the sofa sometime around 11, guess the zopiclone works! Woke up about 3, went to bed but struggled to stay asleep.

Just dropped DS off at school. Haven't told DCs about hospital yet, didn't want to in case it didn't happen. I really hope they're going to be ok, I'm just not sure, they reallt struggled last time.

My mum is coming this morning, she's bringing an overnight bag. Going to get her to call MIL and try to sort kids out.

I think I know deep down that I have to leave him. All my friends and family have said it, even MIL. But I'm basically a SAHM. At the moment my DC don't want for anything, I can't do that if we split up. I've struggled and scrimped and saved before, and I don't really want to go back there again. We've come close to splitting before, DH made it clear that it wouldn't be amicable. He would quit his well-paying job so he wouldn't have to pay me lots of child support. He would see the kids on his terms only, if he wanted to at all, he wouldn't have me dumping them on him, treating him like a babysitter. After all, he says he never wanted them anyway. Although another time he said he'd fight for sole custody because I wasn't stable enough to look after them. I suspect he would do that purely on principle and then palm them off on grandparents etc. And the house is nowhere near saleable, needs quite a bit of work doing/finishing.


My head is just so busy and noisy and insistent, I just want some peace. I can't help but think that the only way that's going to happen is if I SH or do a runner and end it. I keep thinking there's a shadow following me. I don't understand how my shadow is in those places. I'm just very confused. Maybe it's a voice following me, maybe I keep catching glimpses of a voice. Nothing makes sense, logic is broken.

[Criminy]

Still no bed. Crisis team lady came this afternoon, tried calling hospital while she was here twice, but no answer. She was annoyed that is not called the crisis team last night instead of SH. But I really hate talking on the phone.

She said that just because I have thoughts of something, doesn't mean I have to act on them. And when the thoughts get bad I need to watch telly or read a book to distract myself. I just said ok. But really, if i try to distract it just gets louder and louder and more insistent. Then I need to punish for not listening as well. I can't do this. It's too much. I can't distract. I can't ignore.

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

Oh Criminy This is just heartbreaking

Please call the crisis team and talk to someone.

[MistressChalk]

The crisis team are the last people to be getting frustrated at you, although it might just be because she realises how bad you are and she can't actually do anything about it.

I know it's not exactly helpful to say read or book or watch tv because as you say it isn't easy to just get rid of those thoughts by distracting yourself. You really need to try and hold on though, it's probably not great advice but when I was SH I used to take quetiapine before I did anything because it knocked me out cold. Easier to knock myself out than SH. I hated taking it every day because I just turned into a zombie so just took it as and when, my psychologists were fine with that if it helped as a short term solution. Quetiapine is different with everyone but if you have another drug that sends you to sleep you could try that?

With regards to your DH and the issue with the kids I have no words. Other than you have to rid your life of him but I think you already know that and it's easier said than done. Especially in the situation you're in. I can't believe how cruel and heartless he is being to you and your children. You must see that he is a huge catalyst for how you are now? So you can see it isn't actually you. Don't punish yourself because you are being beaten down by another person. Don't hurt yourself, or run away or anything else you're thinking because it isn't you that's 'wrong'!

I don't have any advice to give since I don't have kids and no idea on divorce or custody but hopefully there will be plenty of people on MN that can give you advice on that. You can have a happy and content life Criminy with your children, it's waiting for you when you get through this xxxxxx

[Criminy]

I'm really worried that I'm going to mess up in the woods. I mess up everything else, why wouldn't I mess this up?

I actually have some quetiapine hanging around, like you I hated it because it knocked me out. I have a dose of zopiclone left too. I've just done an inventory of my med cupboard, I have a lot of different meds, but really mad with myself that I have no more lorazepam, that would've sealed it.

I just don't know about DH, I just can't get past the thoughts that I've been horribly unfair and ungrateful to him about everything. Plus I've been with him since I was 17 (married at 19).

I can't even contemplate a future. My body is ready to run, my muscles feel packed with energy, there's electricity everywhere. My heart is racing. DH is out, my mum is here. I will take the dog for a walk.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Dear Criminy

Please stay and talk here
You are so much more than your illness.

I hope you will be back soon to tell us how you are doing

[Criminy]

My mum won't let me leave the house. Said if I tried she'd call the police. But I just can't do this any more. It's not going to get better, there's nothing good here, there's only bad.

[Broken1Girl]

I'm glad your mum is looking after you.
Hang on. Things can get better.

[willowcatkin111]

Can your mum call the crisis team for you and tell them how you feel?

[Criminy]

Mums just given me a big lecture about how I need to work out what my problem is. I must know what it is, I just need to start telling the truth. Also the kids are going to be very upset if I go into hospital again, they really struggled last year and they're older now. Then she went on about how the kids and I should go and stay with her while we sort separation etc out. She's been trying to get me to leave him for a long time.

[willowcatkin111]

Would that work? Could you and the dc move in with her? Could be a good short term solution to help you over the current issues and give you a springboard to move forwards. ....

[Sijeunessesavait]

Dear Criminy

Would it help just to sit quietly and stroke the dog? Try to calm your racing heart? There are so many things going round in your head - you can't deal with them all at once. Bite-sized chunks: the priority is to look after yourself and get well; then everything else will start to fall into place.

As much as your mum cares about you, and wants to help, her lecture isn't helping you right at this minute, so try to find some space to be calm and take some deep breaths.

There are lots of good things in your life - you are clearly a good and devoted mother who cares about her DC and puts them first.

Please do hang on

[Criminy]

It's tricky because she's about 70 miles away and DC1 is at school. So would have to move him schools. But then would be moving away from friends.

[Marchate]

It might be sad to change schools, but lots of children do

A happier mum and a supportive grandmother mean more than any attachment to a place

Please take your mum up on her offer. Leaving that nasty man won't cure your health problems, but it will reduce your anxiety level hugely. Which again is more important than a school in a child's life

He is grinding you down when you need to be lifted up x

[Criminy]

Shit. I took some pills last night. For some stupid reason I told friend this morning, now she's calling a bloody ambulance. I feel fine now, heart rate back down, breathing ok, no dizziness or nausea. Think I'm going to have to run.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Stay, Criminy, please don't run away. You can get the help you need and live the life you deserve

[Imnotaslimjim]

Criminy, do not run away!! If you didn't want help you wouldn't have told your friend. Even as ill as you're feeling, your subconscious wants you to live. Stay strong, fight the urges, this too shall pass. I promise

[FarrowandBallAche]

I'm really sorry things are so bad for you OP.
It sounds like your DH has shut down.
Is there any support for him? It sounds like he needs help to help you..

[Thurlow]

Please don't run. One minute at a time, wait for the ambulance to come.

and hand holding here for you. You deserve better than both your illness and your twat of a DH, and it will happen for you.

[FarrowandBallAche]

I think it's unfair to call him a twat.
He's living through this too. As horrendous as it is for the OP the H is struggling.
This affects him and the children too.

[Criminy]

Paramedics came, a few of my obs weren't great and the ecg wasn't too good either. So I'm now in the ambulance going to A&E. Feel like a right time waster though!

Thankyou all for your kind words

[Silverine08]

Hi Criminy, as a fellow sufferer (bipolar, BPD) and with a DH who struggles with it, I totally get where you are coming from. Before I say anything else let me say you have NOT messed up and you deserve huge credit for reaching out for help - I know I still find asking for help almost impossible. Without question your main priority needs to be getting the support you need.

How to manage your DH is almost as hard. In my experience, my DH loves me and wants to be supportive but the unpredictability of my illness takes its toll. Essentially he wants to trust that I am on the road to recovery (however long it takes) but each breakdown makes that harder. DH (and others) are also hypersensitive to any of my moods (almost to the point where I don't feel I can have even normal feelings of sadness, worry etc) so sometimes hide how I am feeling, certainly the SHing, give an image that on the whole it's all ok and lean on my therapist to talk through the stuff that is definitely not. Honestly, at this point in time I don't really know how else to handle it.

Thing is I have a lot of sympathy with anyone trying to support someone suffering from a mental health illness as there are some factors that make it a different challenge than if the person suffered from a primarily physical, life altering illness. This is in no way to underplay how difficult it is to support anyone with an enduring and/or terminal illness and fully understanding that the impact can be as much on the mind as the body.

Firstly, as a society, we are still in the process of accepting mental health as a real illness and there is still a hell of a lot of ignorance just on this alone.
Secondly, even among those who do accept it, the level of knowledge in relation to basic diagnoses and their differences is very low usually unless they are suffers themselves. Thirdly, mental health services (even private) make very little provision for anyone supporting. Finally, the illness itself is so unpredictable and can be very harmful to those around the sufferer.

So taking me as an example - Over the last 18 months, I have gone through periods of severe depression, three suicide attempts and 2 separate inpatient periods of 4 weeks each. Over this time I have had consultants, therapists, support groups coming out of my ears at every step and everyone (rightly) attributing my behaviour to my illness and generally treating me a bit like glass. Part of my condition also means that I effectively erase or dissociate from anything most traumatic or really unpleasant events so on the whole the last 18 months are pretty sketchy.

What did DH get? Months of a wife who was totally fine to go to work and show enthusiasm for anything work related but in the evenings and at the weekends would either sleep all weekend or cry about how she hated everything, lost all interest in him and the kids apart from snapping or shouting at them culminating in trying to kill herself. he's then told that wife has an illness he doesn't understand but that he should immediately forgive and forget all past behaviour, there would be years of therapy and medication (no medication wasn't enough, it was about 20%) and he could expect relapses in recovery at any time. At no point did any professional ask him how he was feeling, acknowledge that he had also had gone through trauma and may continue to do so or offer any suggestions as to what he should do if he needed support (and this was at one of the best private hospitals in the country....) So he couldn't talk to me, he didn't feel confident in talking to his friends and his parents refused (and still do) to believe that I was actually ill - he had no one. And all this time he is expected to be unconditionally supportive and that if he walked out he would be judged for leaving an ill wife.

I don't know about you but I feel it's as bad for my DH as it is for me. Thankfully things have been really good for a few months now and we talk about it as much as we need. Fear of abandonment is one of my core issues but I don't want to be responsible for DH being unhappy so I told him that if he got to the point where he was miserable and wanted to leave, I would be OK with that (eventually). The effect of that was amazing, it seems as though as he doesn't feel trapped, he's 100% recommitted to staying.

I'm sorry that at the end of this essay (!!) I don't really have any advice for how to deal with your DH but if you haven't already, it might help a bit if you show that you understand how crazy difficult this is for him too and if you are seeing a professional, ask that you spend a session with DH as well to talk about how you manage your illness as a couple thinking about both your needs.

I really wish you all the best - you are absolutely not alone on this journey❤️

[Criminy]

Have very little phone battery so will reply properly later.

I'm being admitted to the mental health unit, I went straight over from A&E. Physically I'm not 100% but they were happy to release me to ward. Not sure how I feel about being back here.

[Broken1Girl]

You're in the right place x