I've really messed up.

[Criminy]

I've really messed up. Oh god DH is going to be so upset/angry/stressed. He's going to leave me/kick me out. Saw CPN for first time in many months today. For some reason I just let it all out - that I've been SHing again (some needing medical attention), that I can't shake the suicidal urges...I've been going to the train tracks and the woods again. Why did I? So stupid.

CPN has called crisis team, they're going to come tomorrow. She said she had to call DH to tell him about suicidal urges. He said a couple of months ago that he couldn't cope if I got bad again, like I was last year (4 months inpatient). The stress would end him. So I've been trying to not show how bad things have been.

But then one of his biggest issues in our marriage is that I don't talk to him about stuff. So I really did feel like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

A couple of weeks ago I SHd badly, it needed treatment, then it developed cellulitis. I hid it from him. Last night I finally said that a couple of weeks ago I hurt my leg. He just said "and you're telling me this now, why?", I said I just thought he should know, and it was infected but it seems to be doing ok now. He just changed the subject. I don't know how to take that/how to read it. I'm shit at emotions and reading people anyway.

Really struggling with urges now, can't cope with this, totally panicking.

[Imnotaslimjim]

You really are in the right place, and they'll help you get right again. LEt them help you

[willowcatkin111]

Glad you are OK and safe. Hope it works out for you.

[FarrowandBallAche]

Silverine08 thank you for your eloquent post.

OP thinking of you.

[Criminy]

Thank you for your post.

Silverine that is what I've been worried with DH. The effect that me being like this has on him. He just will not do counselling or talk to anyone. Wouldn't even do couples counselling.

But then my friend who called the ambulance yesterday said that DH was a despicable person because when she told him I'd ODd he just didn't care. But then he texted me last night and was fairly pleasant.

DH is very concerned with appearances, and I don't think a wife in hospital matches up to his aspirations.

I try to talk to him, but I just don't know what to say. And it's not just him, it's anybody. They keep asking me what's wrong, what's led to this, what's triggered this, what's bothering me. But I don't know. I just don't have an answer for that. But I don't think they believe me. A couple of people have said I must've had a traumatic past, but I havent. My parents are still together and I had an idyllic childhood. That in itself makes me feel like a fraud.

I'm in a fair bit of pain with my back and leg at the moment because they haven't written up my pain meds, they want to check with my GP surgery. Also on yet more antibiotics for my leg, it's still a mess. Am supposed to be having a med review at some point, but don't know when.

Some of the nursing staff remembered me from last time I was in, which is quite nice.

Just very bored now. I have a book, but can't concentrate enough to read it. I have a tapestry project, but don't feel like sitting in communal areas. So I'm just sat on my bed on my phone. Really wish my phone had better battery life, getting it charged up is a right faff.

[Criminy]

I can't stand this any more. I don't know what are my thoughts and what are the shadows' thoughts. DH wants to know all sorts of stuff but I dont have an answer. I don't know what I think, I'm not sure I'm a whole person, maybe I don't have any thoughts at all.

The compulsion to SH is so strong. I have a lighter which I probably shouldn't have. My legs are that bad that the nurses and doctor looked disgusted, and I've got to see the tissue viability nurse.

DH is going to take the kids from me anyway, I just want to die. Why won't they let me die?!

[Marchate]

Because dying isn't the best choice. Even if it seems like it tonight

Please take any help the staff can offer. And follow up care if available

[NanaNina]

Of course you can't explain why you are mentally ill any more than you could give reasons for why you have pneumonia. Your DH has no understanding whatsoever of mental illness and the way that it makes some people SH as a way of feeling physical pain, rather than emotional pain. You ARE a whole person and of course you have thoughts, you're just in a lot of emotional pain at present. Medics are supposed to understand about SH and I was reading something recently while I was waiting to see the psychiatrist how it was now essential that people who SH should NOT be treated badly by medics in A & E and in other parts of the hospital. It was from the Care Quality Commission that inspect hospitals, so if anyone looks down on you for SHing tell them that.

Please give the lighter to the staff. No you shouldn't have it and they will get into bother if you SH with it - not that that matters, but you matter.

DH can't just take the kids from you. Once you are better you will have to come to some agreement - maybe some kind of shared care.

Psych wards can be bloody boring and in my experience the nurses weren't much bothered about the patients, only dishing out meds. But that's where you need to be just now.

Take care

[Criminy]

Had review with doctor yesterday.
He said that it's well known that BPD doesn't respond to any medication, so he's stopping everything. Including my amitriptyline, which I take for nerve pain/to help me sleep through pain. Apparently because I Overdosed I can't be trusted with it. I have back problems- a couple of herniated discs, facet joint disease and sacroiliac joint dysfunction. He's also stopping my naproxen (anti-inflammatories) because you're not supposed to take them long term, and my dihydrocodeine because the pain is probably all in my head anyway. I had to fight to stay on lamotrigine for my epilepsy! Apparently my seizures are probably stress-related. He said the thing that has triggered me off is relationship problems, so I'll be in here for 1-2 weeks, then make up with my husband and go home.

I then saw my therapist, who works half the week in a personality disorder unit, and she said that actually recent research shows that medication can really help BPD, depending on the patient. So somebody who has huge mood swings can benefit from mood stabilisers, somebody with intrusive thoughts/voices etc can benefit from antipsychotics. It's all patient-dependent, you treat the patient not the diagnosis.

Plus taking me off my pain meds is not the psychiatrist's decision to make as I am under a pain management consultant.

Therapist said that I am hearing voices, not my thoughts. It's like there's a general hubbub like in the background of a cafe or similar, and every now and again I hear actual words. It's people talking about me. Then there's the voice that criticises everything I do - if I pick a cup up in my right hand I should've picked it up in my left. Put milk in my tea? Shouldn't have done that. Then there's the ones inciting me to hurt myself or kill myself. They block everything else out, they get so insistent and loud.

But the psychiatrist said its just that my head is full of thoughts and they're only thoughts, I don't need to act on them. I just want some bloody peace! I spend my days curled up on my bed with my headphones in - playing music can help drown it out. Until the voice starts saying that I need to punish myself for trying to block it out. I have the odd visitor, and I can just about manage to keep it together while they're here, but it's exhausting.

[elementofsurprise]

Oh Criminy... it sounds so awful. I wish I could say something helpful, but I don't know what, but wanted you to know someone has read your post and cares.
Your psychiatrist sounds like a right twonk. Your H sounds even worse.
Therapist sounds good though.
Do you have to "keep it together" for visitors? If it's your DM could you be honest and she could be supportive? The earlier idea of moving in with her sounds great by the way - but only if you are SURE your childhood was "idyllic" and there's not some weird family dynamic there (sorry, just it's unusual to come across BPD without chidhood trauma - although in many ways it doesn't sound like you have BPD, imo.)
I'm sorry things are so awful, , x

[willowcatkin111]

It's pants isn't it. One step forward and more back at the whim of a doctor.

[Criminy]

Thankyou for your posts.
Right now the need to SH is overwhelming. I finally plucked up the courage to speak to a nurse, she just gave me Diazepam and an elastic band to flick. I don't care about the pain, I want to do damage.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Please don't. Talk to us. I had some devastating news today and it has taken the edge off talking to mil. Nothing has changed. Just for a bit of time I've stopped wanting to do bad stuff.

[Criminy]

DH has been really lovely over the past few days. Turns out he didn't think we had any problems in our relationship, he thought it was great. And he didn't know how badly downhill I had gone. He's texted me lots, asking me how I am and what I'm up to. He brought the DC to see me yesterday, which was amazing. My head's even more messed up now though. I don't know what to think any more.

The voices are getting bad this evening. I had a huge cry and chat with a nurse about them, she was really lovely but ultimately couldn't do anything other than pat me on the arm, give me tissues and tell me that I'm not alone, they're here to help. Unfortunately I'd hit my arm several times beforehand just where she was patting! Ow.

Oh, I've now had 4 courses of antibiotics for my leg, it seems to be improving but now I've got thrush just to make things even better.

The man voice keeps telling me the thrush is a sign that I'm a horrible, diseased person who just needs to leave everyone else alone before I damage them too. Its trying to get me to run to the train tracks. I can't cope with much more of this.

[Broken1Girl]

((((Criminy))))

[Criminy]

Thanks BG, I really appreciate it.

Can't sleep despite taking a zopiclone, there's too much chatter in my head. Just sat on bed listening to music. Taking me ages to write this as man voice is trying to get me to hurt myself to punish myself for being diseased. Don't feel safe in my bed space, but if I go out to nurses' station they'll tell me off and to get back to bed.

Talked to some of the other patients today, the doctor seems just as odd with them - stopped all their medications too. How is he actually practicing psychiatry? When are we going to actually get some help?

[Broken1Girl]

Welcome, lovely. I am at the state of MH services.
This is why I don't want to end up admitted tbh, it's not as if it helps, it's a holding pen. The nurses don't talk to you.
Yup, had one of those psychiatrists - stopped another patient's heart meds, allowed nurses to withhold my thyroid meds to mess with me. Why ARE they such twats? Has he still stopped your pain meds? If so I will come and slap him for you You need to get onto PALS in the morning, if no joy get on their social media. Get H to help you with that.
You are not diseased honey, please try not to think like that am hypocritical
I hope you're asleep, am around if not.

[Criminy]

Still awake. The nasty man who keeps trying to make me hurt myself basically thinks it's really funny to keep me awake.

I really need my pain meds, I don't think the pain is helping with the sleeping any. I've decided I'm going to request a call-back from my GP tomorrow, tell him I'm in hospital and they won't give me my proper pain meds. Hopefully he call the ward and soea

[Criminy]

Oh, didn't mean to post that yet.
So yes, hopefully my GP will be able to help. Failing that, I could try the pain management clinic that I'm under too.

Being admitted helped from the point of view that it kept me safer. It's not as easy to SH in here (although plenty manage to), and its not as easy to commit suicide either (I've tried!) . But most doctors have an awful stereotype for BPD people, and always say that an acute setting is not the right place for someone with BPD.

[notasgreenasimcabbagelooking]

I'm awake too OP...insomniac tendencies!! But I'm a teacher, so no school tomorrow! My dd, who is now 21, has mental health issues. She has self harmed from 14 and took an overdose at 19. When she finally told me about the sh....how I missed it, I don't know....she had cut herself to ribbons!!...we worked out a strategy that involved her thinking of cutting me....in the sense that we were once "one" if you know what I mean? I wrote my name, her brother's name the dog's name etc all over her!!! It didn't always work, but it did sometimes make the damage less as she didn't want to "hurt us" by hurting our names?? Whatever worked....we went for it!! I taped stories for her too....so that my voice filled her head. Her favourite was a set of children's stories...I'm an early years teacher so she associates them with me! Take care.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry things are still so hard but pleased your DH is stepping up.

[Criminy]

Had a surprise ward round this afternoon. They told me 20 minutes beforehand.

Doctor is pushing ahead with stopping all my meds - clomipramine, amitriptyline, naproxen, aripiprazole (which I've only been on a low dose of only for a month anyway, so no idea if it could be working or not) . I take amitriptyline for nerve pain (I have meralgia paraesthetica).
He said he will call pain clinic about my dihydrocodeine/morphine but I have to stop taking naproxen (I have herniated disc and facet joint syndrome). He said because I've overdosed in the past I'm high risk for doing it again, and amitriptyline is a very dangerous med. He said coming off of all of these will be pretty awful.

He said I could start another antidepressant, either fluoxetine (I got severe urinary retention), citalopram (did nothing), Sertraline (did nothing except make me feel even crappier) or Mirtazapine (which I've been told in the past I shouldn't have because I'm already overweight).

He asked how I felt about the kids, did I feel I could cope with looking after them, and have social care ever been involved (they haven't). So that's gotten me really scared too.

He asked me why I overdosed, I said I just wanted the chatter in my head to quieten down and the voices to go away, to get a bit of peace for a bit. But he said that's not the reason, the reason is whatever is causing those voices - which must be some sort of trauma in my personal life.

He told me the voices are just a symptom of the BPD, and guidelines for treating BPD are no medication, therefore he's giving me no medication.

I'm in so much pain already because I've not been getting my usual pain meds, I'm terrified of coming off of the amitriptyline too.

I can't stop crying.

[Imnotaslimjim]

You poor love, you must be utterly terrified of what is to come. Have you anyone that can come and talk to the Dr with you and advocate for you? Being in fear can cause us to be a little less chatty than we normally would be so having someone that can talk for you would help. Either way, make sure that they reduce your meds slowly, you can't just stop them, the come down is terrible. Have you been offered talking therapy to help with the past trauma?

Just keep on keeping on though Criminy. You're in the right place and hopefully you'll start to feel better soon.

[Broken1Girl]

What a wanker. As pp said, can you get an advocate? Would H talk to him now?
I wish I had something useful to say (((Criminy)))

[elementofsurprise]

Hearing voices is NOT a sympton of BPD.
I second the need for an advocate.
Sorry can't be more helpful

[Goingtobeawesome]

Ask them if they will,take responsibility if you have a bad reaction to coming off the tablets. When they say they can't tell them they can't take you off the tablets. This is not right.