I'm rotting.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I've been doing so well recently. I had a great work trip to the U.S. and felt like the bipolar was finally under control, but I think everything's falling apart again. The last week I've been feeling so drained, hopeless, helpless, just want to disappear. The instrusive sucidal thoughts are back. I can feel the badness is back inside me. My stomach hurts like I've been punched; I can feel the evil spreading and rotting inside of me. I'm so, so tired of all this.

How many times before you just give up? I feel like they wouldn't leave a dog to suffer like this.

There's never usually wifi and the signal for phones is generally non-existent. I was lucky before to be able to use my work login to get onto the university system, but that's disappeared. I must be in just the right spot to get an EE signal for the iPad.

I'm already regretting coming in. I want to go home.

You're in the right place now, dontrun, I'm so pleased that a bed came up for you in your local hospital. I know it might seem something to regret but it's not.

It's that feeling of being trapped. In prison.

I'm going to ask to go home tomorrow. I can't take it being here. I'd rather deal with the agitation than with the feeling of being entombed.

Glad you're somewhere safe, hope it passes quickly for you.

Thanks heaven. How are you?

And, my god, there are some really ill people in here. A woman is getting very wound up about the o2 advert, talking to herself, and laying into some poor unsuspecting woman who thought she was talking to her. I've been in here enough times to know you put your head down, don't make eye contact with anyone, drink your tea and get back to your room as fast as you can.

Blimey dontrun that sounds a stressful environment, hopefully you'll be well enough to return home soon. Thanks for asking, I'm ok, still can't take my meds because I don't deserve them/ want to feel again/ be in the presence of God. I'll start again if I get unwell again.
Have you got things to help pass the time? Did you get to see your children?

I can empathise a bit with what you've written regrading meds. It's so difficult.

Both DDs were too tired and wanted to go see the firework display so I didn't see them. Unfortunately, we are on completely the opposite side of the city from the hospital so it's a fight through traffic to get here. He's going to bring them through tomorrow. He is also going to come by after he's dropped them off at school.

I think you're doing the right thing don't run. Let yourself stabilise, and maybe they can adjust your meds whilst you're there.

Can you ask your DH to bring you some felt pens and an adult colouring book? It really helped me as a distraction when I was IP

Sending lots of love your way x

Thanks for posting FC and MS. I'm a bit mor settled now. DH should be along shortly with rations (the food is atrocious). I will try to be open with my pdoc when I see him today. I couldn't say much to the pdoc I saw yesterday--I don't know him and just clammed up.

The DDs will come trough after school and we can use a private room as I don't want them in the main dining room where most people have visitors. There's too much swearing and I think it's generally not an environment for 5&8 year olds. I previously refused to allow them in at all, but my oldest said that what upsets her most with me being in hospitwl is that they're not allowed even in the front door and she can't see me. I'm wanting to protect them from being in here, but I think her little imagination runs wild when she can't see where I am so hopefully a quiet, private room will work OK.

The idiot doctor last night completely messed up with my meds so didn't get my antidepressant, amongst other things.

Did you get any sleep at all last night?

That sounds like a good idea re your DD, and I'm sure it will be for the best.

Hope you're having a better day today: being an IP is crappy, though, isn't it :-/? Hopefully, though, you'll have the chance to see your DD today, and it will set their minds at rest- and hopefully too, you'll get your proper meds today and start to feel a little better.

So I nearly hot myself detained because I asked to go home and I'm on constant obs.

I'm off constant obs now, but still struggling at times. I've iust FaceTimes with DDs and read them their bed time story.

Are you on a section scissors or just constant obs. That's a real pain isn't it but it depends on the nurse (or assistant) who is observing. Some are nice but others are crap I found. Oh sorry just noticed your off constant obs, so that's a good thing. I think weekends can sometimes be quieter on the ward - and so glad you got to facetime with DDs and read them their bedtime story. Technology is useful at times like this.

Hope you can settle on the ward but they won't want to keep you any longer than necessary will they, so hopefully it will be a short stay.

Not a section and was only on obs overnight. I really needed help last night and the nurses were awful. They ignored me when I was clealry distressed and talking about suivide. They said to go have a cup of tea. When I asked to see a duty doc as nobody was listening to me, I was told they would detain me if I asked. It took a call to my husband--he spoke to them and they finally made a half hearted attempt to help.

I'm sorry they are not being helpful, dontrun. How was last night? Will you get to see a doctor today?

Oh scissors I know exactly what you mean. I found the nurses when I was an IP pretty useless and uncaring. The only time they talked to us was when we were feeling ok enough to chit chat with them, usually about their kids, weddings etc. I saw them ignore patients who were clearly distressed yet they didn't like other patients trying to help each other either.

After I was discharged I complained to the CQC about the lack of care but my CPN says nothing has changed. Good idea to get your DH to get them to help, but that shouldn't be necessary. I was even told to "pull myself together" by a nursing assistant but I did complain and the ward manager took it seriously and said she would deal with the person who made that comment.

Hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

Thanks for the posts. Things have calmed down a bit. I'm going home for 4 hours later today. I'll get to collect DDs from school, have tea and then DH will drop me back here. I'm going to push to be discharged in the next day or two. The quetiapine has done its usual miracle and the psychotic symptoms have gone. I'm still feeling the remnants of depression, but I'm not suivisal anymore and I'm sleeping like a log. As shitty as the depression is, I'm fortunate to respond very quickly to meds.

Fingers crossed as I've had enough of this place. I'm no longer a danger to myslef, but I've got a feeling that my doc will try to keep me in a bit longer. There doesn't seem to be anywhere near as much pressure on beds here.....

Oh glad things are a bit better scissors - am sure your DDs will be delighted that you are meeting them from school. I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to be discharged - and I don't think they'll want to keep you any longer than necessary. Do you usually take quetiapine? Just wondered if that would keep the psychotic symptoms at bay. Does it help with the depression?

I'm glad things have improved for you. Quetiapine worked wonders for me too, apart from the sedation. Enjoy your time at home.

That's wonderful news. I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. I agree with Nana not to rush things, if you can, but that's so good that you are being allowed out for a few hours today. Enjoy collecting your DDs.

I'm home a pass for the night. I've been taking quetiapine since 2010. While it works amazingly well for depression, I keep having to put the dose up to get the same effect. I've had to go from 350mg to 700ng in the last year. I've started to get heart palpitations since the dose went over 600mg so I'm waiting for a cardiology appointment. It's possible that I will have to stop taking it.

How are you doing this weekend, dontrun?