I'm rotting.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I've been doing so well recently. I had a great work trip to the U.S. and felt like the bipolar was finally under control, but I think everything's falling apart again. The last week I've been feeling so drained, hopeless, helpless, just want to disappear. The instrusive sucidal thoughts are back. I can feel the badness is back inside me. My stomach hurts like I've been punched; I can feel the evil spreading and rotting inside of me. I'm so, so tired of all this.

How many times before you just give up? I feel like they wouldn't leave a dog to suffer like this.

Sorry, that wasn't very clear--it's the main cardiology appointment that they've moved from December 11 to January 8. My pdoc write to the consultant to ask them to make it an urgent appointment and move it forward. Huh. What a joke.

Don't think about those future appointments now. You have more important things to focus on - those will fall into place when they need to, so don't stress about them now.

Can your DH go with you to collect the portable monitor? Or someone from your CT?

Thanks thurlow. I can't face the monitor appointment. DH can take me, but it means talking to people and having to be 'normal' when it's taking me all my time to not rock in a corner. I just can't cope with it. I know that's shit--god, I'm used to lecturing to hundreds of people at a time, but just the thought of having to talk to anyone other than DH and the MH professionals is impossible.

Sorry, need to waffle. Things are getting worse. I feel like someone is watching me. I can feel constant adrenaline running. DH has gone out to collect the kids from school, the crisis team are coming at 4pm.

Not sure what to do with myself. An hour feels like a lifetime.

It's ok. The CT are coming very soon. Minute by minute, it's fine. Keep posting if it helps, I should be here for the next hour to reply if that helps you.

If you feel like it is getting worse, do you feel like considering hospital?

Thanks thurlow. Got some Imagine Dragons blaring out, which is helping. DH should be back with the kids in the next 15 minutes. Think I'm going to have to hide in bed as I just can't face the kids right now.

I don't know about hospital. Don't know what would be the best thing.

Didn't want to read and run, but wanted to send some good thoughts your way.

I don't know whether this would work, but when you're getting those intrusive thoughts, is there any way you could redirect them towards your research: just yank them back over? (I try to do this with mine, except mine are about my research and how crap etc it is and I am - so I acknowledge these, and then go back to seeing how many characters I can count from book series or something, just to get the quiet. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it derails the nonsense) It sounds an amazing and fascinating project, and something it's really important that we get a better understanding of: you've inspired me, and I've only been sitting ehre reading your posts!

Hope tomorrow goes OK with the trace.

Do you feel able to let someone else make a decision for you?

We're with you, dontrun, just deal with each minute or second as it comes. Have you spoken to the crisis team about your feelings about tomorrow's appointment?

Thanks. My head's just too messed up at the moment.

I've told the Crsiis team that I won't be going for the trace appointment tomorrow. If my CPN was around, I would maybe let her make the decision about hospital or not, but she's on annual leave and there's nobody else who knows me well enough to make that call.

The crisis team are due back again at 4pm. I'm hoping it's not the guy who speaks too quickly. My jumbled brain couldn't make sense of his really strong accent.

It's a bit of a tipping point when I can't cope with being around the kids. That's what keeps me going--keeping a routine and everything normal. I'm due another diazepam at about 4.30 so that might just let me pull the night time routine together.

Oh scissors so sorry you're having such a shit time. What do you think your CPN's advice would be about hospital? I often have to hide away under the duvet in case anyone knocks the door. CT should have been by now.....have you taken the diazepam. If so you could cuddle under your duvet until the kids have gone to bed.

dontrun, I'm sorry things are getting worse again. Could you trust your DH to make the hospital decision for you?

Have the CT been?

I agree with others. If you trust your CPN and/or your DH, could you think what their decision would be?

There aren't any beds in the local ward, only option was a hospital elsewhere, which I didn't want. Otherwise I think I would have agreed to go in. I've managed to have a shower. Got to get to CMHT for an ECG tomorrow.

The only bed available is at Strathacro hospital in Brechin. I've never been there before so didn't want to go.

Does it matter so much that you haven't been there before? Is it far away?
The priority is to get you better. Please stay safe.

Yes, it's far away. I'm afraid to say that not all psych wards are safe places....it's not that unusual for people to be attacked. I feel safe with my local ward, but wouldn't agree to go somewhere without knowing someone who'd been there.

Sorry, didn't mean for that to sound snappy.

It didn't sound snappy.

It's understandable that you don't want to go there.

Sending love scissors. I thought I'd replied sooner but it can't have posted. I can understand your reservations about going to a different ward. Are the CT able to let you know when there's a bed available on your local ward? You're in my thoughts

Morning dontrun, how are you doing today?

Do they have any idea when there might be a bed free locally?

Hope you had an ok night.

I've been admitted to my local hospital. A bed came up today. I'd forgotten how much I hate it. In the past I could access my work wifi (as its a university hospital), but its not available any more. Thankfully I can get a signal on my phone.

Nurses have been rather abrupt, especially one guy built like a brick shit house who speaks to patients like they're dirt (remember him from earlier admissions).

Why the hell am I here?

DD1 will be upset, but DH has said he'll bring the girls in and we can use a small private room.

Oh glad you got a bed in your local hospital scissors - I don't understand why nurses on a psych ward are so insensitive and don't seem to care about the patients. This was certainly my experience both times I've been an IP. There was also a really big bloke with tattoos all up his arms and I really disliked him. BUT having said all that you are safe and you will soon adjust to "life on the ward" - some nurses are better than others, so with luck the night ones will be better.

It's really good that your DH can bring the girls in and you can have a small private room. Why is there no wifi - but at least you can use your phone. It's boring in hospital isn't it and in my experience the food was grim. Can DH bring you something nice to eat - you might not be able to concentrate to read at the moment but you will soon enough.

Keep in touch and sending you warm wishes through cyberspace x