I'm rotting.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I've been doing so well recently. I had a great work trip to the U.S. and felt like the bipolar was finally under control, but I think everything's falling apart again. The last week I've been feeling so drained, hopeless, helpless, just want to disappear. The instrusive sucidal thoughts are back. I can feel the badness is back inside me. My stomach hurts like I've been punched; I can feel the evil spreading and rotting inside of me. I'm so, so tired of all this.

How many times before you just give up? I feel like they wouldn't leave a dog to suffer like this.

It's that fear of the unknown, isn't it? You only have to look at the Daily Mail vilification of some people with mental illnesses. I have to read the Mail every day for work, god it makes you livid before you've even finished your first coffee of the day...

I can see how care in the community seemed a great idea when it was first introduced. Because of course the institutionalisation of anyone is not the ideal way to deal with any situation or illness. But do you think it does allow more people to slip through the gaps?

Did the US introduce care in the community around the same time as the UK did? I suppose I think of the US as having more institutions than we do - they might be nice and dressed up as rehab. Or that could just be a Louis Theroux inspired image

Hi dontrun, I've just seen your thread. I suffer depression and anxiety, and the intrusive thoughts you describe, particularly around feeling toxic and as though there is something or someone else in control and being unable or afraid to fight back, are very familiar to me. It really is the shittiest thing to feel that way, but it is your illness, it is not you. I'm glad your DH is supportive, it does make such a difference, but please don't try to slog on through it. If you had a chronic physical condition that necessitated stays in hospital every now and again you would not hesitate, although the thought of it would obviously be unpleasant. Mental illness is as real and as serious, as I have no doubt you know. If you need extra help to stay safe and get well again please take it.

Your research sounds fascinating

Thanks. I hate hospital. I was only in there this June. I'll see.

The US was a good way ahead of the U.K. JFK really started the process in 1961his sister had been committed to an asylum by their father so it was a personal issue for him. US (state) institutions are and always have been horrificpsych wards are bad out there. I was in an American hospital (for physical stuff--collapsed with heart palpitations) for two nights in my last trip and it was worse than any NHS hospital I've been in.

Really? I always imagine American healthcare to be the land of plenty - too much House, no doubt

Was it JFK's sister who had a lobotomy?

As Error says, if it was a physical symptom you would consider going to hospital without thinking twice. This is just the same. Though of course it's so much easier for us to say it than for you to think it, I know. But will you consider talking to the CT about it?

That's them gone. They mentioned hospital but left it to me so I'm still home. They are back st 10 tomorrow. They're going to look at increasing the quetiapine, but I was having heart palpitations and my brother died of cardiac arrhythmia--which is a possible sid effect of quetiapine is they're having to be very careful. I was referred to a cardiologist to get their advice on whether I should come off the quetiapine back in April. My appointment isn't until 11 December, which happens to be my 40th birthday. TBH, I'm on the verge of just cancelling it all. I just don't care.

Your research is fascinating dontrun. Do you lecture undergraduates?

I wonder if there is any way they can try and get an earlier appointment with the cardiologist?

Hi loiterer I do lecture to UGs, although I haven't introduced the psychiatric stuff yet. I'm going to add it in to my '60s module this year. I love teaching that module--most of our students are from the local area and are often the first generation to go to universities. They have an appreciation of problems regarding welfare rights, access to healthcare, poverty, housing etc so we have some fantastic debates that inevitably end up comparing what happened in the USA to the current situation in the UK. I never have the problem of students staring down at their notes and saying nothing!

thurlow my pdoc has been trying to get my cardiologist appointment moved forward for months. I actually had an appointment next week, but they cancelled it and moved it to December. He's written to them again pointing out that I had heart pain and palpitations on my flight over to the USA (there was a doctor on board and they came close to diverting the flight), then I collapsed with chest pain again in the USA, which was why I spent the two nights in hopsital. Bizarrely, I haven't had any problems since then!

Spending time in a US hospital was an eye opener. They made me sign on an iPad agreeing to pay for the ambulance ride before they took me into the hospital. They then made me sign twice more before they would admit me for treatment. It was cold and clinical. The hospital itself was dirty-the nurses kept warning me to not walk in my bare feet as 'the floor is filthy'. I had just the clothes I arrived inI didn't even get the blue pyjamas the NHS give you. There as barely any food; the aunt of the 18 year old in the bed next to me took me under her wing and brought me food and drink. The nurses never answered the buzzer. The 18 year old next to me had developed an incredibly rare blood disorder. She's been in intensive care with a 10% chance of survival. She was facing months of specialist treatment. I heard her mum and aunt talking about whether they would get medicare and how they were going to afford to pay the hospital bills.

I have always appreciated the NHS, but hearing that conversation was heartbreaking. No parent should ever have to worry about money when they're child is close to dying.

Sorry for the crappy typing. Waffling on here is helping to distract me.

I've said that if I'm still getting such powerful urges/ messages in the morning, I will consider admission.

I'm so pleased to hear that the idea of hospital is at least in your mind. Take the evening one step at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. Please keep talking to us. I'd love to hear about some of the other courses you teach.

That is shocking about the US hospital. You're right, we don't value our NHS enough sometimes
sometimes.

That sounds very rewarding. The health service is something everyone has an interest in. will you be able to incorporate your new research into your modules next year?

I'm also glad you consider hospital an option. If you are still in the same frame of mind tomorrow I'd consider it the only safe way to go forward.

Hope you have a good night.

Thoughts and energy building. I can feel the rot growing inside of me. Nights are always the worst

I'm trying to stay safe--to not follow the urges to walk out the house. I know I can ring the crisis team 24/7 if it gets too much.

Nights are tough going aren't they. I'm plagued with intrusive thoughts on the nights I can't sleep and nightmares on the ones when I can sleep.

Yes, nights can be torture. So difficult, while still very quiet and lonely. I hope you sleep peacefully tonight, MS.

Sorry, meant heaven

Thanks, you too. Call the ct if you need to.

Thinking if you tonight. You can do this.

How was your night dontrun? Really hoping things are brighter for you this morning.

Morning dontrun, how was your night?

I think that's very good advice, Fartic. I try to let the inner monologue rant away, and notice the disconnect between what it's saying and what's actually happening at that moment. It can help, although when I'm feeling very low I don't have the energy to dissociate myself from it like that. It's a good skill to build though.

How are things this morning, dontrun?

Morning thurlow, FC, heaven and error, thank you for being so kind and posting.

I'm pretty much the same. Crisis came at 10am and it helped a bit to talk to them. Still at home. You're right about trying to let them come/go, FC.

They want to put the quetiapine dose up, but they need to do an ECG beforehand. I'm waiting for them to tell me when they can do it. I've got a hospital appointment tomorrow for a 24 hour trace (heart monitor that's fitted for a day), but I just can't face it. I can't get out of the house for a walk, never mind fight my way through a busy hospital.

Can anyone come with you for the ECG, at least to get you into the hospital and settled onto the machine?

Glad to hear you had an ok night.

Thanks thurlow. The ECG is OK, that will be at the psych hospital by one of the crisis nurses. I can manage that. It doesn't matter if i act mad and will be in/out in 20 mins.

But then there's an appointment tomorrow in the main hospital to get a portable monitor fitted that I wear for 24 hours and then return it on Friday. I can't cope with that. And I've just got a letter saying that they have changed my appointment from 11 December to 2 December. Of course, I can't make 2 December. I've just rung them and the next appointment is 8 January. I

I give up. I find it hard to see me still being around in 2 months. I can't cope with much more than 10 minutes at a time. Heart stuff is just gonna have to wait.