I'm rotting.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I've been doing so well recently. I had a great work trip to the U.S. and felt like the bipolar was finally under control, but I think everything's falling apart again. The last week I've been feeling so drained, hopeless, helpless, just want to disappear. The instrusive sucidal thoughts are back. I can feel the badness is back inside me. My stomach hurts like I've been punched; I can feel the evil spreading and rotting inside of me. I'm so, so tired of all this.

How many times before you just give up? I feel like they wouldn't leave a dog to suffer like this.

Phone in sick and call cmht, I really think you need to get some support. It's easier to treat at the beginning of an episode before it really takes hold.

Thanks HIW. I can't phone in sick; it will screw up the whole module that my colleague is running with 300 students on. But I think I will try ringing the CMHT. It hurts too much. Last time I felt like this, I took an overdose in an attempt to numb the pain.

I think you need to be brave and call the crisis team scissors. You sound quite unwell at the moment, it is okay to call in sick

You can call in sick tomorrow scissors and tbh you aren't fit for work and if you go and cave in that will only make you feel worse. YES do call the CMHT - especially as you said the last time you were like this you overdosed. I know it seems real to you but that's the nature of delusions isn't it. Why have you been trying not to eat?

Hi Sparkle how are you?

The students aren't nearly as important as your wellbeing dontrun. Call in sick and take care of yourself. The module can be jiggled around, it will all work out.

Thank you. I'll manage the lecture. It's only an hour. TBH, it's easiest to be in work. I can hide in my office--I have a yoga mat I can nap on. Nobody will bother me. It's easier than being at home and dealing with all the kid stuff and noise (DH is a SAHP and I will inevitably get drawn into everything. I really don't have the energy to cope right now.)

If I call crisis, all they can do at this time of night is tell me to go down for an assessment. That means yanking the kids out of bed to go and wait around for a few hours to be given some diazepam, which I already have. There's also no way I'm going down there because it's basically the psych ward and no chance am I going in.

I'll call the CMHT tomorrow. I don't know who I'll speak to but guess I'll figure it out. I just need to get through tonight without doing anything impulsive. I'm going to try to get myself in pyjamas so that I don't fall into the temptation of going out and buying any tablets.

Good plan for tonight don't run. I know what you mean about work being easier than being at home. Stay safe and get some rest.

Day just stopped me from going out and buying paracetamol

I'm glad you've got someone to keep you safe tonight.

Oh sweetie, I'm glad your DH stopped you and is there to look after you tonight. I know how you feel about work - I find it easier to be in work than at home. Are you in your pjs? If you can, take your dose of PRN and try and get some sleep. Please call the CMHT tomorrow. If you'd rather speak to the CPN that you will see later on the week then ask to speak to them, otherwise duty will be able to speak to anyone that's under the CMHT that calls. Nobody will tell you off, they will be pleased that you have managed to call them x

I'm in my PJs. Just had to walk off from DH. He just doesn't get how I feel. I can't get the desparataion and sadness over to him.

I will go into work tomorrow and try to summon up the courage to speak to someone at CMHT. I feel like I'm slowly marching toward doing something and I can't stop myself.
I'm so, so bored of going round in circles. When I'm well, I think j can never, ever feel like this again. It seems like a different world. Then it pulls me back under, regardless of what I do. What's the point?

The point is to get through this and get well again. Which you can do.

My DP doesn't really understand how I feel when I'm unwell either. He tries to, and he watches put for me, but I can empathise with not being able to communicate how desolate you are feeling. Those feelings will pass, but you need to accept help in getting there.

I'm going to sleep now, but I'll check in tomorrow. Can you try and get some shut-eye too. I hope your lecture goes okay, and please call somebody from the CMHT. You're doing all of the right things.

Thanks MS. I appreciate you helping when (I think?) you're not having a great time either.

I'm just coming out of the other side of a major relapse. A month ago I was feeling similar to how you are now. (Obviously different circumstances but you know what I mean) people on here were a great support to me and now I've come out of the other side I'm paying that forward. I still have bad days, but I'm feeling so much more positive now. A month ago I feel there was no hope, but today I feel like the old me again. Things will get better.

I hope you manage to get some sleep today. Old luck with your lecture. Go into work, hide from everyone, get what you need to done but don't feel you have to do any extra. And please call the CMHT

Thanks FC. You're right about that horrible time a few years ago.

MS, glad you're feeling a bit better.

I've managed to get dressed and into work. It's pretty much empty--think lots of people are working from home.

I can really feel the rotting. I've already been to the local chemists and I know I need some help. I'm just trying to summon up the energy to ring and try to explain. I'm worried that they will just dismiss me, which seems worse than just carrying on.

Do you need to get rid of anything you bought in the chemists?

If you tell them how you are feeling they won't dismiss you. And if they try to, tell them that you need support. They will listen. Make them listen.

Bet your work wasn't as empty as mine. I was off before half term and completely forgot today was a staff not in school inset day - didn't realise til I'd got there and the car park was empty! Oops!

Well done for going into work dontrun and mummy sparkle. How did you get on with cmht? I've just got up out of bed, lazy huh? I'm off sick and have no motivation. But I'm up and dressed, that's a start.

Thanks for posting. I'm in the cmht now. Waiting for them to discuss what to do. Really don't want to be admitted.

That's good you're getting support, you've done really well keeping going. Can you ask to be treated at home, if you feel you would be safe?

Thanks MS. They've referred me to the crisis team. They're coming round at 6pm. Not sure whether it's a good thing or not, but I know most of the people on the CT from earlier episodes.

This feels physically painful. I just want to crounch down and hold my stomach. I feel vile and desperate. I don't want to be in hospital but being at home and having to fulfil the smiley mummy role is killing me. I wish I couldn't just curl up on my own somewhere.

Crisis team is due soon but even that is exhausting--trying to put everything into words when I don't know how to.

Oh dontrun it sounds so difficult for you right now. I understand about it being physically painful, I find it like that too. Don't worry about not having the words for the crisis team, that's their job. I'm glad you're forgetting some support. Is your partner around this evening?

The crisis people have left. I find them very good, which I know isn't true in many parts of the country. DH was made redundant a few months ago and has become a SAHP. I will have to ring in sick in the morning. I managed to eek out all my energy to give my lecture, but I can't do any more.

Have to try to force my meds down my neck once the DDs are in bed. I swear the tablets double in size and grow thorns at times like this.

Should have said CT are back at 10am. They asked about whether I wanted to be in hospital--I considered it for a millisecond. I'm just really tired. I don't know whether I can do this yet again.