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Original poster

Feeling suicidal

82 replies

Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:30

I have ptsd, bpd and major depression. I post here sometimes for support etc. I am feeling suicidal and don't know what to do with myself. I keep having flashbacks and feelings from when I was abused and neglected when younger. I can't cope and have been self-harming and drinking more and more frequently. I have scratches all over my arms from self harming today. I am taking anti depressants and anti psychotics. My anti psychotics have made me gain weight and I have started to get uriniary incontience. My CPN is useless. The clinic messed up my last app. so now I'm stuck until the end of October in ever increasing rapid cycles with my BPD, drinking to stop it all getting on top of me and not coping. I have been feeling suicidal today and can't cope anymore. My dd is abroad with friends, due to come home on Saturday and I am scared I won't be around to see her come back. The rapid cycles are practically killing me and I just can't cope anymore.

OP posts:
Madamscorp · 31/08/2015 20:36

I'm sorry I'm not good at knowing what to say. Please don't hurt yourself.
My sister did.
Can you access service by going to a and e?
I'm so sorry you feel like this

Sunflower1985 · 31/08/2015 20:39

Ignore if this is not what you're after, but Samaritans free phone number is 116 123, in case you want to talk it through.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:40

I think they'd probably tell me to go away and calm down or wait for it to pass, to be honest. I don't think they'd take me seriously because of the bpd diagnosis.

OP posts:
UnbelievableBollocks · 31/08/2015 20:40

If you are in imminent danger of harming yourself call either 111 to speak to NHS OOH, go to A&E or contact the Samaritans.

Have you had any form of therapy to deal with your borderline? Do you have any techniques you can try to use?

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:42

I am on the waiting list for psychology but I feel as though I make progress and then slip back again.

OP posts:
Madamscorp · 31/08/2015 20:43

Surely if you tell them how wretched you are feeling they would help.

ALittleBirdie · 31/08/2015 20:43

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this too. My dm committed suicide years ago and it has changed every family members life for the worse.

Please, please don't do that to your daughter, she'd be devastated.

Can you speak to the Samaritans? I was thinking a and e as well like pp said.

I'm so sorry you're distressed x

Madamscorp · 31/08/2015 20:44

Do you have anyone who could sit with you?

UnbelievableBollocks · 31/08/2015 20:45

I know you'll already know that the drink isn't helping. It's a depressant and its short lived good effects don't make up for the longer term effects of making you more depressed and impulsive.

Would you be able to get out and go for a walk to try and break the downward spiral?

ALittleBirdie · 31/08/2015 20:45

I've rung the Samaritans twice recently when I couldn't cope. They were amazing, just listened while I cried. Please ring them x

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 31/08/2015 20:45

I'm going to echo previous replies, please seek some help.
I'd go to A&E, let them know honestly how you are feeling.
Hugs Flowers

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:48

There's no one really and I don't want to bother anyone. I don't know what a n e could do for me. I was triggered by going to see my Dad yesterday- he abused and neglected me when I was younger. Ever since then, I've been feeling 'off', dealing with flashbacks and feeling like I did when I was younger. I scratched my arms today because I couldn't cope with the feelings.

Things are meant to be getting better. I'm going to do my Masters degree in September. But they feel stuck.

OP posts:
Madamscorp · 31/08/2015 20:52

People would want you to bother them if they knew how you were feeling.
Your daughter needs you.
You have a future .
You are going to do a masters degree fgs.
Obviously an intelligent woman.
Bad things have happened to you.

Madamscorp · 31/08/2015 20:53

I know that feeling
Trapped with the pain

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 31/08/2015 20:54

Where I'm from A&E is where people go when having a MH crisis, it's the first port of call where the next actions are decided. (Referrals to wards, crisis team etc)
Could be different in other areas of the UK though.
If you think your going to do something please seek help.
Wish there was more I could advise :(

educatingarti · 31/08/2015 20:56

Would it help at all to keep telling yourself "These feelings are about the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child, not about stuff that is going on now." ?

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:58

I am worried about causing a fuss when I'm meant to be over all of this. They were talking about putting me on a mood stabiliser last time I was at the clinic, but they messed up me seeing the DR (sent me to the wrong clinic) so I haven't been able to explore it further. It's my rapid cycles that send me like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:59

That is helpful educatingarti. I think they are but it's hard to see a way out of them.

OP posts:
MNHQ
EmmanuelleMumsnet · 31/08/2015 21:04

Hi there OP, we're so sorry you are having such a difficult time.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We're sending you all our very best from MNHQ Flowers.

moggiek · 31/08/2015 21:14

Never you know a lot about your condition, and you know that you're suffering from an idee fixe at the moment. It's a common, identifiable element of significant depressive illness, and you've probably been here many times before. You got through it then, and you're going to get through it again, but I think that you should go to A&E to get help. Waiting for an October appointment just isn't feasible.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 21:25

I have been here too many times before. Have attempted suicide twice in the past year. I just don't understand what happened to me yesterday when I was triggered and today. I feel so out of control and out of synch with my emotions. I have decided to get in to bed and wait for it to pass.

OP posts:
Madamscorp · 31/08/2015 21:32

Well done (sorry not meant to patronise)
Can you get a hot water bottle ( I find it comforting)
Snuggle in bed
Hope you find some sleep x

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 21:46

I have two cats to keep me warm.
Thank you for all of the replies. I have really struggled with these feelings the past two days. I have not even been able to do anything really, just very numb and incapable of moving etc.

OP posts:
Madamscorp · 31/08/2015 21:49

Aw cats better than a bottle Smile
You have coped amazingly then if that's the case.

Original poster
Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 22:00

I am thinking of phoning my cpn in the am and explaining what's been going on for me. I don't think it's fair to expect me to wait until October like this all of the time.

OP posts: