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Mental health

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Original poster

Feeling suicidal

82 replies

Neverletmego27 · 31/08/2015 20:30

I have ptsd, bpd and major depression. I post here sometimes for support etc. I am feeling suicidal and don't know what to do with myself. I keep having flashbacks and feelings from when I was abused and neglected when younger. I can't cope and have been self-harming and drinking more and more frequently. I have scratches all over my arms from self harming today. I am taking anti depressants and anti psychotics. My anti psychotics have made me gain weight and I have started to get uriniary incontience. My CPN is useless. The clinic messed up my last app. so now I'm stuck until the end of October in ever increasing rapid cycles with my BPD, drinking to stop it all getting on top of me and not coping. I have been feeling suicidal today and can't cope anymore. My dd is abroad with friends, due to come home on Saturday and I am scared I won't be around to see her come back. The rapid cycles are practically killing me and I just can't cope anymore.

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Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 02/09/2015 17:27

I hope it will help too. I have self harmed again today was trying to sort stuff for my MA and was going round in circles so I scratched my arms and called myself a fat ugly bitch . Everything is getting on top of me and I don't know what to do.

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moggiek · 02/09/2015 21:19

Never, can you phone the surgery first thing in the morning for an emergency appointment? Tell them that you are afraid, are having intrusive thoughts and are self harming. I don't think you can really wait until the 24th. You're in pain, and you need help.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 02/09/2015 21:32

I have wondered about what support I'd get or where I can go, since my cpn is on leave. I'm just not sure they'd see me as a priority or anything and I think they'd just view it as something I always do and say that I'm on the waiting list for therapy so I have to wait for that. If that makes any sense? They might just see me as a long term problem now, rather than some one who needs help.

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moggiek · 02/09/2015 22:06

You do have a long term problem, but at the moment you are having an acute episode, for which you need help. I'd phone in the morning, and tell them that you're afraid and feeling suicidal.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 03/09/2015 09:56

Thanks Moggie, that has helped to put things in perspective. I think I will try and call some one and get some advice as you are right, the 24th is a long time to wait when I'm feeling like this.

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UnbelievableBollocks · 03/09/2015 10:22

I sure you're right though Never. You are having the suicidal thoughts, but they are part of your longer term disorder.

Reading between the lines, you're actually functioning rather well at the moment. You're preparing for you MA, seeing your boyfriend, going to Yoga etc. All of these are really positive ways that you're managing your own condition and looking forward and planning positively. Your PD may make you feel in your own head that none of this is good enough, but it's actually showing someone with a lot of resilience.

Though the suicidal thoughts and impulses are vile and all consuming when they happen, you have already got some ways of dealing with it. Talking here, going out etc. etc. keep using these as much as you can and take pride when you get though each moment.

If you go to see a HCP and they don't offer anything other than your CPN or to wait, you'll feel worse as you'll feel let down. Keep going, keep working on your Masters prep, keep seeing friends and your boyfriend, keep talking on here instead.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 03/09/2015 10:54

You are all so supportive, thank you. I am only just getting used to the idea of having bpd and all it entails. I have had two suicide attempts in recent months, and when I first posted, it did feel as though I was going that way again. But things appear to be levelling out a little and I'm functioning better than I was two or three days ago, even if I am self harming to get there. I am seeing my boyfriend today and have to take my degree certificate in to uni to register for my masters and get my student log in etc. I panicked as I forgot to do it, but admissions were cool about it. hopefully I won't have any more problems on that score. I am still full of self loathing and urges to self harm though. It's very hard to live with.

Thank you for the support

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ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 03/09/2015 19:14

Glad to see that never :)

moggiek · 03/09/2015 21:49

So, so glad that you've had a better day

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 04/09/2015 18:04

Hello all. Today has been a day I may as well have written off. Felt awful, just in constant pain, have been crying nearly all day, feel depressed and horrible about everything. Is an awful, awful feeling, this not being able to stop things. I don't know what to do. I'm just in constant pain.

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ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 04/09/2015 18:45

What are you in pain with? Could you see OOHs? Sorry to see this

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 04/09/2015 18:55

It's just constant emotional pain. I am thinking of having my tea in a bit and seeing how I feel after and whether I should see the out of hours or wait until Monday and call my CPN

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UnbelievableBollocks · 04/09/2015 18:55

Have you taken any pain killers for the pain?

UnbelievableBollocks · 04/09/2015 18:57

OK, emotional pain. What would you like OOH to do?

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 04/09/2015 18:57

Hope maybe you feel a bit better after tea . If not , that the ooh goes ok. Here if you ever need a chat though I'm never very good on the advice front but have plenty of empathy

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 04/09/2015 19:04

I'm not sure there is anything OOH can do is there though. They will probably just send me away so this might be one of those try to get through it situations. I can't imagine them having much sympathy for some one who just has a bit of emotional pain and i'm not really a risk so that's not worth going to ooh for.

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ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 04/09/2015 19:10

That's true, is there anything you find normally helps? Even if it's something little?

UnbelievableBollocks · 04/09/2015 19:23

It's not about them not having sympathy, but the practicality of what they could do to help. It's the same difficulty services have with any chronic condition, mental or physical.

My good friend has a condition that causes chronic pain some days are agony and she just can't do anything. Other days are better and she gets through them no problem. She's in the same position on the bad days as I am in mine. OOH can't really help either.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 04/09/2015 19:33

I have fibromaylgia too, so I know what you mean about the chronic side of the condition, it is very hard to reconcile. Whilst I'm not in any danger though, mh services are unlikely to do anything. I am thinking of putting some hair dye on as I had my hair cut quite short (just for ease of doing it) today. Two youg girls were laughing at me in the hairdressers which set me off on a bit of a downward spiral today. I kept thinking I was too fat and ugly to be outside and that I didn't deserve to be outside or to cross the road. Then by the time I got on the bus, I was nearly in tears feeling low with it all. I seem to be going in phases with my mood, with each phase lasting a few hours. I'm a bit scared I'm heading for psychosis again as last time this happened my mood changes ended up minutes apart and I had voices and hallucinations. I'm very scared that I'm heading on a downward spiral.

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ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 04/09/2015 20:46

I feel your pain when it comes to chronic conditions - pain makes everything worse too.
Sorry to hear about the hairdressers appointment :( dyeing the hair will take your mind off a bit - love doing mine .

NanaNina · 05/09/2015 16:44

I think you're scaring yourself Never into thinking you are "heading for psychosis" - you need to remember that psychosis is a state of being "out of touch with reality" so people who suffer from psychosis don't realise there is anything wrong, because they are deluded - that's the nature of this particular mental illness. Likewise sufferers don't have any awareness that they are "heading for psychosis" - because their reality is that they are ok and can't understand why people are concerned about them. This is why many people suffering psychotic illnesses have to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act. They do get better with meds usually, but very often stop taking them because they feel ok and then relapse.

You can feel like you're on a downward spiral and heading for a bout of depression/anxiety as this is a mood disorder, and you are in touch with reality, and not a thinking disorder, which is the case with psychosis. I do wonder if you pick up issues from what you read about mental illness (maybe on here or elsewhere I don't know) and apply them to yourself, and that's really not going to help you.

When do you start your MA? In what direction is your MA taking you.....
Hopefully this will give you the opportunity to mix with others and feel more satisfaction with life.

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 06/09/2015 10:58

I do try and make sense of my own mental health nana. It frustrates me, the not knowing what is wrong with me but feeling like a total freak. At the minute, I'm suffering with wildly fluctuating moods, ranging from ok to low and suicidal. Usually without warning and generally very intensely. They are maybe hours apart and worse in the evening. There is an anniversary coming up, of my dd s dad's death and I do wonder if that's effecting me . I take anti physcotics after a psycho tic episode, but I hate them. They have lots of embarrassing side effects. My cpn says to keep taking them though . I had a couple of drinks yesterday and ended up acting very silly and was quite sick as I took my meds on top of the drink. Never again! I don't read much about mental health and no one really explains things, like my diagnosis, to me, so in honesty, I feel lost. I don't know whether these moods will just go by themselves or whether i need a bit of extra help. The Dr I saw last time suggested a mood stabilizer when I asked her, but said they come with the possibility of side effects and I'd need a blood test, so maybe not. I don't know, I just feel lost and alone and like I'm not listened to.

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Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 06/09/2015 11:20

My MA starts at the end of September / start of October. I'm having a few issues with registering and the admin side of things, so I'm really worried about that.

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onlyoranges · 06/09/2015 11:58

Which MA are you doing Never? I am doing one and having issues registering is an understatement. It's a total nightmare isn't it!!! I said to them on Fri I was getting very stressed with it all

Original poster

Neverletmego27 · 06/09/2015 12:10

I'm doing a taught MA in Creative Writing. I had some issue with proovibg I met the conditions of my offer, but that got sorted. Now I'm having issues getting a password and login to register for my modules etc. It sounds like a little thing but I feel as though there's a question mark over my MA and actually being on it until this is sorted...

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